Just a Lyttle Lit-bit!

[the midnight watch baboon]

!Friend! Only 1, 673 hours [nb] (or until midday Pacificier Time 15th April)[/nb]to toss off submissions for the 2011 Lyttle Lytton Fiction Contest (A shorter sentence version of the Bulwer-Lytton contest) and there you are, idling away the day, seeking salvation, salivation, ejaculation or a pleasingly gloopy cocktail of all three. Well don't! Dream up a whimsical opening line to a novel instead and post it on this thread and let's enter the best ones into the competition proper... here's Cerys's thread from yesteryear, which incorporates Lookalike Mark Chapman's Lyttle Lytton week from his very beautiful Friday Fun Thread!!!

Here're some alumnus sentences from the school of LL:

For centuries, man had watched the clouds; now, they were watching him.

The air hung heavy with the perfume of the circus — elephants, greasepaint and hot buttered chimps.

"The hero has cancer," thought the doctor grimly.

"I can't!" screamed Jake to whomever was outside the airplane's single lavatory.

In 3010, the potatoes triumphed.

I am pleased to announce that, although attitudes have improved immensely, the beatings will continue.

PEWPEW — Lasers! — PEWPEWPEW!


Your go, I can't think of any right now xxx

[Jemble Fred]

Fortuitously, I was born with just the right amount of limbs and digits to be able to pick up numerous objects and use them effectively – had this not been the case, little of what I am about to relate would have come to pass (Or if it did, it would have happened far more clumsily).

[the midnight watch baboon]

Blancmangé- not just a colour and a pudding and a mountain.

Ten bounced the ball "slowly, slowly" along the haunted, sticky corridor and waited for the blood or something.

In accordance with the Russian's blackmailing demands, the sun had disappeared behind a tree.

[Cerys]

Fortunately, it wasn't the same Tuesday.

[Phil_A]

Krondar, the Chosen One, emerged from his tent into the glorious light of the morning, his massive cock and balls swaying gently from side to side like a proud elephant.

"Who's there!" I screamed, welcomingly, into the Prime Minister's enormous face.

The woman leaned back seductively, a malevolent smile scampering across her lips, as she lit a cigarette with one hand and, with the other, updated her facebook status about something funny her cat had done.

[Cerys]

'Tag!' yelled the small child, hurling the severed head at me.

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

^ In what way is that a bad start to a novel?!

[Phil_A]

On that fateful day, I looked upon the accursed place that had been my torment, my scourge, my nemesis, these long ages past, and swore a terrible, bloody vengeance - Before this day is out, Hitchin, thou shalt know my wrath.

[Jemble Fred]

"I don't know who's been killing all these people," I harrumphed, "But it looks like old Muggins here will have to sort this whole pickle out once and for all!"

[Phil_A]

"Watch out!" I barked desperately, forgetting for a moment I was a dog.

[Queneau]

'And that's why you done it,' said the detective to the figure covered in blood who was looking back at him from the mirror.

[Mr_Simnock]

"Why are the gods always against me" she screamed knowing that from now life would never be the same, her life forever in the grip of satan, she hadn't made the it in time, Pound Land had shut.

[Crabwalk]

"But if you won't have sex with me, how can I make love to you?" screamed Derek Parmentor at his second wife Liz.

-----------------

If there was one thing above all others that made the pretty young tennis player Mary Costarosa angry as hell, it was a daydreaming ballboy not concentrating on the tennis.

------------------

As he slowly emerged from his 11-year coma, a memory formed of a...a....was it a large black wolf or an average-size brown bear?

------------------

I am writing this book because if I do not, then your reality will become 100 times worse than my fiction.

------------------

Why did all modern cities feel like this; with their jostling umbrellas under cracked skies, and me, lonely, with my wet beard and trousers?

[Phil_A]

"Don't stop, I beg you," I begged, as his firm tongue caressed my tender buttocks and his sturdy ape-like hands massaged my breasts into the shape of a wobbly pink mountain.

[Ginyard]

'And so began the Age of the Lizard' snarled Zippy to George as they cut up a Wizard.

[Neville Chamberlain]

My poo lay there in the pan, staring back at me forlornly, as if to say "Why did you eject me so casually?". I told it to fuck off and facilitated its onward journey from my bowels into the bowels of my tenement's sanitation system through the simple expedient of using my toilet's integrated flushing system. I'd forgotten to wipe my bot, which I promptly did so with a flourish, before going about my business. Which was to sell shredders to local businesses.

[Jumble Cashback]

Dynamite has many known applications, but it was only when we broke it down and stirred into Perry Como's coffee, that we discovered a new one.

Gamma rays are not something you normally find on the back of a plastic carousel horse and today was no exception.

It was only after all the coconuts in the world had been blown up by guns, that we discoved they cured murder.

"If I beat up every moustached man I can find", I reasoned, "Eventually I'll get to Stalin."

My mother was an unusual man.

[Jemble Fred]

"CHAOS REIGNS!" said Fantastic Mr Fox, and Boggis, Bunce and Bean knew they were headed for true despair.

It was the thirteenth of July 2013 – I knew this for sure, as I had a calendar tatooed on my cheek.

The spaceship landed, and out came a spaceman – in dire need of a wee and a poo and a coffee!

There's never been a better time to read the next 300 pages.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Well!, thought Pope Monica, "Christ!" she added, and angrily at that!

[Cerys]

'Who would paint that many stars on their VW Beetle?' I wondered, as my rectum deposited its contents over the lower foliage of Mrs Arbuthnot's latest shrub.

[Queneau]

It all started on the day I moved to the moon; that satellite of dreams, that big cheese in the night time sky, that base of the fake sun landings.

[the midnight watch baboon]

It was a family holiday to Yellowstone National Park, USA that finally made me see the futility of ignoring the coming of the bears and also why you shouldn't picnic away from clearly designated areas.

[Ginyard]

The captain had ordered me to turn the ship 180 degrees, which, it turns out, I'd mistakenly assumed meant 'capsize'.

[Cerys]

It was a beautiful, blue-skied day right up until the point at which the crashing spaceship made everything go all gloomy.

[Ginyard]

It was the age of gold, it was the age of flint, it was the smell of roses, it was the smell of sprouts, it was the spring of a fine mattress, it was the boiiing of a bad mattress, in short I'm not sure what it was.

[the midnight watch baboon]

There once was a dude from Alabama,
Who loved to stove heads with his hammer,
If he forgot that tool,
He felt quite a fool,
But It helped keep him out of the slammer... whispered the wind, announcing to the few bothering to listen that amongst them walked the Limerick Killer.

[Jemble Fred]

"Kiss me!" I cried demurely – and probably too quietly, as they then immediately kissed someone else.

[Queneau]

'Hello, I'm Brian Monroe,' announced Brian Monroe as he stepped on stage to greet the cheering crowd of An Audience with Brian Monroe.

[madhair60]

Baffled, I turned the Game Gear over in my hand, the bloodstain obscuring my round of Columns.

[Ginyard]

When I were't lad, there were nought such things as cars, and that's because I burst forth from an alien vagina somewhere in deep space.