Top 1000 Simpsons jokes of all time.

[CaledonianGonzo]

#958 - Homie the Clown

Homer: But wait. You can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him. I'm Homer Simpson.
Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?
Homer: Uh... actually my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumble.
Legs: The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?
Homer: Uh... actually my real name is uh... think Krusty, think... Joe Valachi!
Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime?
Homer: Benedict Arnold!
Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?

[doppelkorn]

#957

"You don't have a son"

from Boy scouts and the hood

#956
from Burns' Heir (I think)

Martin (singing): Clang ,clang, clang went the trolley!
Ding, ding, ding went the bell!
Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings as we-OOF!

Nelson punches him in the gut.

[Treguard of Dunshelm]

#955  Can't find a clip, but this is one of my faves, even though it's from one of the later series (episode is C.E. D'oh):

Burns: Good lord! That canary was supposed to be my pigeon! I need to find a patsy, quick!
Homer: Hello!
Burns: Yes, yes, hello. Now, I need to find a patsy.
Homer: Hello!
Burns: You're quite the friendly fellow but, right now, I'm looking for a patsy!
Homer: Hello!
Burns: You bumbling fool! I keep telling you I'm looking for a patsy!
Homer: Hello!
Burns: This moon-faced simpleton is continuously interrupting my search for a patsy, why do.... Hello!
Homer: Why are you looking at me like that?

Homer's repeated, expectant "Hello!" each time, followed by his deep suspicion when Burns finally gives him the attention he wants is hilarious, as is Burns' inability to break out of his patronising/curmudgeonly mindset and see what he's looking for is right in front of him.

[holyzombiejesus]

954   I like the scene in 'Bart's Girlfriend' when Bart's on his way to church and hears some beautiful singing. Thinking it's his new girlfriend, luring him in with her 'siren song', he dashed into the builiding, only to discover Ned wailing away at the front. A lot funnier 'in the flesh' but I can't find a clip, so this one will have to do.

953

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tb8t25ePTlg&playnext=1&list=PLCA9ACAC8E7F71883

[Ignatius_S]

Not enough Burns.

# 953 from Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish

INSPECTOR: Okay, men. Geiger counters on.

(The Geiger counters go crazy.)

BURNS: Ah, I suppose that's normal background radiation? The kind you'd find at any well-maintained nuclear facility, or for that matter, playgrounds and hospitals.

INSPECTOR: Sorry.

(They begin the inspection. The inspector notes down details.)

INSPECTOR: Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.

BURNS: D'oh. I'm as shocked as you are.

INSPECTOR: Plutonium rod used as paperweight.

BURNS: D'oh. Now that shouldn't be.

(A drop of glowing green goo burns a hole through the inspector's clipboard.)

BURNS: Yeah, well, that's always been like that.

(They visit Homer's workstation. Homer is sleeping, and wakes with a start.)

HOMER: Aah! (starts pulling levers wildly) Uh, just resting my eyes!

BURNS: Ah, well done. A rested employee is a vigilant employee.

INSPECTOR: (sighs) Monitoring station unmanned.

(The inspectors stand in knee-deep glowing green water.)

BURNS: Look here, inspector, could I speak to you privately, in my office?

(The chief inspector is taken to Burns' office.)
INSPECTOR: Mr. Burns, in twenty years, I have never seen such a shoddy, deplorable--

BURNS: Oh, look! Some careless person has left thousands and thousands of dollars just lying here on my coffee table. Uh, Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we return, the pile of money will be gone. (leaves then returns a few moments later) D'oh, look Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are still here.

INSPECTOR: Burns, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to bribe me.

BURNS: Is there some confusion about this? (stuff money into his pockets) Take it! Take it! Take it, you poor schmo!

_____
ADVISOR: Now, here's the problem as I see it. While Governor Bailey is beloved by all, ninety-eight percent of the voters rate you as despicable or worse. That's why we've assembled the finest campaign team money can buy. (indicating his team) This is your speech writer, your joke writer, your spin doctor, make-up man and personal trainer. Their job, to turn this Mr. Burns... (shows a normal portrait of Burns) into this... (shows a picture of Burns in a heroic position).

BURNS: Why are my teeth showing like that?

ADVISOR: Because you're smiling!

BURNS: Ah, excellent! This is exactly the kind of trickery I'm paying you for.

Which leads into:

(The advisors prepare Burns for his campaign advertisement)

SMITHERS: Thirty seconds to air, Mr. Burns.

ADVISOR: Now remember to smile.

BURNS: I am smiling.

ADVISOR: You'll have to do better than that.

BURNS: (grunts) How's this?

ADVISOR: There you go!

BURNS: Oh, I'm going to be sore tomorrow!

_____
BURNS: But don't take my word for it. Let's ask an actor portraying Charles Darwin what he thinks. (actor enters)
____
BURNS: Ironic, isn't it, Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.

SMITHERS: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

[Steve Williams]

My favourite ever episode. As you said, it's just full of fantastic moments. Written by Conan O'Brien.

Mine too.

MARGE: Here are the replies from the colleges you applied to!
HOMER: D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Woo-hoo, flyer for a hardware store! D'oh! D'oh!

I love the way he pushes his dinner plate away, and the way he delightedly waves around the flyer. We haven't even got to the squirrel!

[Ignatius_S]

#952 from Das Bus

Probably my favourite Milhouse bit, when Lisa, Bart and him are pursued by the feral kids on the island, Milhouse swings across the ravine but when they tell him to throw back the vine, he just runs off shouting 'There's no time!'

YES! Ahahahaha it's so perfect. The eyebrow raise is what gets me most I think.

Yup, it's just so beautifully done.

[benjula]

It isn't going to work written down but I'm sure everyone will recognise this one, presumably from the same episode SimonJT mentioned above.

Lisa asks Millhouse to tell Nelson she likes him. Millhouse writes a secret note in class, folds it up and passes it down the room to Nelson. Nelson opens it up to reveal the words "someone likes you", and looks back at Millhouse, who raises his eyebrows with a sly grin. Immediately cut to loud ambulance siren and Millhouse being carried out of the school on a trolley. Absolutely fucking fantastic.

I can tell that is my dad's favourite bit from the show ever, he laughed like a drain at that, it is fantastic.

[2 Light Ales Please]

#951 The Secret War of Lisa Simpson

Can't believe I forgot the bit where Bart lines up all the megaphones.

I especially love Bart's thought process and Homer's anguished squeals as his beer bottles shatter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=np1rvwDuN-c

Also, having read all the posts on this thread, I'm beginning to think that Milhouse is my favourite character. He just has so many fantastic moments.

[padougy]

#950 from The Lemon of Troy

BART: Oh, it's no use. I'm never gonna find that tree - this whole raid was as useless as that yellow lemon-shaped rock over there.
          Wait a minute... there's a lemon behind that rock!

I remember thinking that was the funniest joke in the world when I first saw that episode. It's still one of my faves.

[mr. logic]

"You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the orphange...when pigs fly!"
(Laughter interuppted by pig flying by window)
"Will you be donating the money, sir?"
"No, I'd still rather not"

I love how they immediately undercut the ridiculousness of the timing by having Burns blankly state he won't be giving away any of his money in any case.

[Serge]

Lisa asks Millhouse to tell Nelson she likes him. Millhouse writes a secret note in class, folds it up and passes it down the room to Nelson. Nelson opens it up to reveal the words "someone likes you", and looks back at Millhouse, who raises his eyebrows with a sly grin. Immediately cut to loud ambulance siren and Millhouse being carried out of the school on a trolley. Absolutely fucking fantastic.

Also, ah, paid homage to by 'Father Ted' in 'The Mainland'.

[benjula]

#950 from The Lemon of Troy

BART: Oh, it's no use. I'm never gonna find that tree - this whole raid was as useless as that yellow lemon-shaped rock over there.
          Wait a minute... there's a lemon behind that rock!

I remember thinking that was the funniest joke in the world when I first saw that episode. It's still one of my faves.

from the same episode, when springfield take off with the tree. The father and son shaking their fists. "shake harder boy"

[Ignatius_S]

A couple from Rainer Wolfcastle

Wolfcastle: (Explaining his new film to Kent Brockman) My teenage son returns from a fancy East Coast college, and I'm horrified to discover he's a nerd.

Brockman: (laughing) I'm laughing already.

Wolfcastle: It's not a comedy!

From A Star is Burns:

Rainer Wolfcastle: The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million.

Sherman: [contemptuous] How do you sleep at night?

Wolfcastle: On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.

...I love how they immediately undercut the ridiculousness of the timing by having Burns blankly state he won't be giving away any of his money in any case.

Yes, that's a super element to it.

I suspect more than a few writers would have just cut to something else when they see the pig or get Smithers to say something like 'I'll get your chequebook', but where they took the scene, I think is just lovely.

[SimonJT]

947, from the episode where Lisa is a babysitter. Todd prays (in earshot of Lisa), for a story about two robots

Lisa:     [tucking in Rod] Once there was a robot named Todd.
Todd:     Did he have a brother?
Lisa:     Yes, he had a brother named Rod, who was two space years older than him.
Todd:     [frightened, pulling up his blanket] I don't like this story!

Rod and Todd are underrated, their patheticness provides a lot of humour.

[benjula]

947, from the episode where Lisa is a babysitter. Todd prays (in earshot of Lisa), for a story about two robots

Lisa:     [tucking in Rod] Once there was a robot named Todd.
Todd:     Did he have a brother?
Lisa:     Yes, he had a brother named Rod, who was two space years older than him.
Todd:     [frightened, pulling up his blanket] I don't like this story!

Rod and Todd are underrated, their patheticness provides a lot of humour.

definitely. Trying to find a clip of them singing "i've got that joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart..."

[SimonJT]

There's a joke thet've done about 10 variations on which goes:

Ned: "Looks like it'll be an imaginary Christmas this year!"
Rodd + Todd "Yay!"

Never fails to amuse.

[spanky]

946

Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment



(Visual jokes count, right?)

945

Homie The Clown



"I'm seeing double. Four Krustys!"

[CaledonianGonzo]

#944

Homer: It'll be great to see the old gang again. Potsie, Ralph Malph, the Fonz.

Marge: That wasn't you, that was "Happy Days"!

Homer: No, they weren't all happy days. Like the time Pinky Tuscadero crashed her motorcycle, or the night I lost all my money to those card sharks and my dad Tom Bosley had to get it back.

[benjula]

#943 "lousy smarch weather"

[Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth]

from the same episode, when springfield take off with the tree. The father and son shaking their fists. "shake harder boy"

He may be my favourite one-off character. "Get out here, boy! There's a doings transpiring."

[Pepotamo1985]

#942 Stop it, he's already dead

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAZ8xwXE5UY

#941

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pD-LB9z6nxg&NR=1

#940 Stupid Alias

Can't find the clip (in English) on Youtube (cue one of you finding it and feeling smug for two seconds) but this is just sublime, a perfect example of the Simpsons' superlative grip on surrealism and their oxymoronic ability to take 'trad' comedy and completely turn it on its head. I'm overhyping really, and it'll look shit written down, but it's fucking marvellous. Barney's delivery makes it.

Homer: Moe, I need your advice. See I've got this friend...named....Joey Joe-Joe Junior Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the stupidest name I've ever heard.
(A man runs out of the bar crying)
Barney: Hey! Joey Joe Joe!

[mr. logic]

Likewise Homer's doppelganger who attempts to get served in Moe's when Homer is barred.

[Serge]

Guy Incognito! One of my favourite comedy names.

[Utter Shit]

Chester J. Lampwick: "I don't need any more money. I'm not greedy. As long as I've got my health, my millions of dollars, my gold house, and my rocket car, I don't need anything else."

[2 Light Ales Please]

Homer: Moe, I need your advice. See I've got this friend...named....Joey Joe-Joe Junior Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the stupidest name I've ever heard.
(A man runs out of the bar crying)
Barney: Hey! Joey Joe Joe!

How did I forget that?! It's one of the finest scenes in a series of fine scenes.

[Goldentony]

#939 Klassik Krusty
Episode - I Love Lisa

This bit in particular, which i'm unfortunately unable to find a video of, in which Krusty has Robert Frost on an older episode of his show (Which is possibly my favourite recurring joke - these older episodes of the Krusty Show, usually with inexplicably different formats)

Robert Frost: "He will not see me stopping here, to watch his woods fill up with snow..."
Krusty the Klown: Hey, Frosty! You want some snow, man?
[He pulls a bellrope, and an avalanche of fake snow is dumped on Frost]
Robert Frost: We discussed this, and I said "no"

[3-d lobster]

#938 bart vs Australia

terrible copy but I quote the line endlessly
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xqghpm4gXf4&NR=1

[citizen snips]

#937
Bart Sells His Soul

Bart is beginning to believe he really did sell his soul. When he breathes on the freezer doors at the Kwik-E-Mart no condensation forms.

Jimbo: Way to breathe, no-breath

[madhair60]

#937

Homer Loves Flanders

This sequence, and the next 5 or 10 minutes that follow it, are as pitch-perfect as comedy gets

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDdg1D_vU5I