Am I missing the point, or is Kate Middleton not supposed to have a personality?

[2 Light Ales Please]

I just don't get it.  My entire life, virtually all of the people I've come into contact with have been either anti-royal or at least indifferent to the whole thing.  Even in 2002, there was literally no interest in the jubilee in the town I lived in.  I always assumed that any enthusiasm for the monarchy was confined to the past and was merely[nb]to quote Stewart Lee[/nb] mawkish, cloying nostalgia, but now it seems that I've been wrong all these years.  Suddenly, mindless, pro-royal sentiment has made a drastic comeback and I want to know why.

Furthermore, who the fuck is Kate Middleton? From what I can tell, there's nothing to her at all.  People[nb]read: idiots[/nb] seem to believe that she's 'just like the rest of us' - whatever that means - presumably because her dad's just a run-of-the-mill millionaire.  Am I missing something here?

I'm aware that CaB probably isn't the best place to answer my queries seeing as we're all lentil-eating Guardian readers or whatever, but what does everyone else think?  I know I'm not the only one who hates the royal family and is confused by their continued presence, but these days, I often feel as if I am.

EDIT: Look! Just look at the effect those spongers have on the mentally ill! http://blog.michellesugarart.co.uk/2011/03/prince-william-kate-middleton-royal.html

[biggytitbo]

I hope Prince Philip is revving up the white Fiat Uno as we speak!

But seriously for a moment, I hope she wakes up on the morning of the wedding with the awful shits, and a bit of poo comes at west minister abbey and she stinks.

I also hope that she goes bald.

[mycroft]

Monarchs aren't meant to have personalities, or opinions. It's where Charles keeps on going wrong. Him and his thoughts.

So the less personality from the pair of them, the better.

[Blumf]

Humm...

• Nobody likes granny Windsor and her horrible annus, hence the lack of jubilee glee
• A day off!
• Certain people (you there, with that copy of Take A Break!) like weddings, a lot, really, totally mad for it, can't get enough of them, mental
• It's a fucking day off!!!
• Same people as above want something to replace Diana, for some ineffable reason
• Yooo Hooo, day off here!
• I don't actually know anybody who gives a toss about it all, are you mistaking tabloid crap for real humans?
• IT'S A MUTHA FUCKIN' DAY OFF!!!1111

[Key]

In this media-savvy paranoid age surely any personality she may have is carefully controlled and neutered by an army of royal publicists. See also: any modern politicians.

[2 Light Ales Please]

• I don't actually know anybody who gives a toss about it all, are you mistaking tabloid crap for real humans?
• IT'S A MUTHA FUCKIN' DAY OFF!!!1111

No, I've had so many arguments with these royalist sorts recently, including a four against one argument last week that I think I won, but the consensus view is that I didn't.  These folk just don't bloody listen to sense, seriously. The main arguments were: "they do a lot of royal visits/blah blah blah meaningless, ungrounded tourism rhetoric"

And as for the day off, I'm a student so everyday is a day off.

[El Unicornio, mang]

She probably has a contact to stay "vanilla" in public, but behind closed doors she's probably effing and jeffing like a docker.

[biggytitbo]

This having a day off cobblers is getting on my tits. I'd rather not have the day off if it meant I am not subjected to a bunch of horse faced, neighing, in bred parasites having a massive wedding at my expense. Fuck off cunts!

[Smeraldina Rima]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-humber-12738826 Hope this cheers you up, Biggy.

[chand]

Why on earth would you want her to have a personality? I prefer the royals when they shut the fuck up. The ones that have opened their mouth and let their opinions spew forth have been pretty disappointing so far.

[Subtle Mocking]

I don't even get a day off. Fuck the Royal Family.

[Smeraldina Rima]

When the Queen came to Stratford-on-Avon recently to officially open the new Royal Shakespeare Theatre and see a play, tipped off to the fact that the Queen gets bored by the theatre, the company put together a twenty minute piece for her, rather than putting on a full play. They were then told to shorten it to ten minutes. The main part of the Queen's visit to the theatre was her lunch in the nice new theatre cafe.

[tisonlyme]

Herself the Queen is coming over my way soon. I hope we put her on an open top bus and drive her up and down the country. I wonder if Wills and Kate sorry Catherine will accompany her.

[momatt]

Say what you like about her, but she's great at launching boats and walking about[nb]shamelessly nicked from another thread[/nb].

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2011/feb/24/kate-middleton-launches-a-boat

[2 Light Ales Please]

Say what you like about her, but she's great at launching boarts and walking about.

I think that's the finest headline I've ever seen.

[Cerys]

I've just come to the terrible realisation that, as the mother of a four-year-old girl, I'm going to be doomed to watching the royal wedding.  Not only that, but I'll also have to be enthusiastic about it.  And then play endless games about it afterwards.

Help me.

[Zero Gravitas]

You're asking for help when there's endless fun to be had in reptilian spotting?

[mook]

that's not how you launch/name a boat - you're supposed to twat the fucking thing with the bottle you dappy common cow - don't drizzle, SMASH!

[The Roofdog]

that's not how you launch a boat

So just "Kate Middleton walks about" then.

[Blumf]

So just "Kate Middleton walks about" then.

Puts cripples to shame

[Jake Thingray]

Didn't even know what she looked like until comparatively recently, and facially she looks like someone I saw in a dirty mag in around 1995, claiming to be a student and the blurb quoted her as having supposedly said "Anyway, I said yes but didn't realise that I'd have to take my pants off!" Don't think it really was her, she'd have been too young then.

[Big Jack McBastard]

I'll tell you what it is, I reckon these 'suddenly-interested-in-the-royals-cos-of-this-wedding-shit' types are hankering for a Diana replacement in their mangled brains.

I hope she turns out to be a right bigoted little prima-donna who shags around with Mohammed Al Fayed just to burst their bubble.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

You are not alone. The stags for one are with you, cooly biding their time and waiting for the right moment to exact glorious complete annihilation. Roar!

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

That Guardian article is brilliant. The distaste and contempt for it all really comes across. What I like is that it dips into being a genuine Royalty type piece and ends with:

According to seasoned royal watchers the rules of engagement are:


• Walk steadily down line of well-wishers with inscrutable smile in place. Accept posies, smile for camera phones and initiate small talk.

• Limit questions to: "How nice to meet you"; "Have you come far?"; and "Are those for me?" – ignoring the fact that flowers are unlikely to be for anyone else.

• Keep exchanges to five seconds – 10 at absolute maximum. Utter comfortable platitudes that require little or no response then move on.

• Do. Take off gloves to press the flesh (as Diana did).

• Don't. Overshadow grumpy hubby by attracting greater crowd adulation than him (as Diana did).

• By no means encourage "a conversation".

Which is uninspired G2 wank but quite interesting to see crowbarred into a genuine article. Gives off the impression of what people really think, which is more than the sycophants of elsewhere can muster.

[Saucer51]

It always tickles me that on Christmas day, people come from far and wide to stand at railings by Sandringham church in the hope that passing royals will talk to them on the way to the service. Some even bring their own corgis and desperately ram them through the railings as bait for the Queen. I suppose as long as there is a monarchy, the royal family will be seen as glamorous and therefore draw the starstruck hordes.

If I was part of The Firm I would much rather talk to people going about their daily business rather than someone hanging onto my every word. I would also prefer to see certain landmarks, artefacts etc without bothersome minions hovering around. It must be like having a salesperson stalking you in a shop when you really want to browse and be left in peace.

No, whatever Kate MIddleton's personality is, for a while we will get a gushing sanitised version from the media. Then her flaws - we all have them - will slowly be unveiled in a drip drip process. As for her family, I have a strong feeling that the press will really go after them.

BTW, is it true that the security services have the monarch under 24 hour cctv observation in the royal palaces? No privacy ever? Who could seriously live like that?

[Emma Raducanu]

I dare one of you to buy a machine gun, run into the church during the wedding and gun down the entire procession live on tv.

[2 Light Ales Please]

BTW, is it true that the security services have the monarch under 24 hour cctv observation in the royal palaces? No privacy ever? Who could seriously live like that?

Sounds about right, but we need to them to safe.  What would all the tourists do if something happened to them?!

According to Wikipedia: "In times of emergency at [Windsor] castle, several hundred soldiers, as well as the FV107 Scimitar Light Tanks of the Household Cavalry, would be able to respond quickly to protect the castle and its occupants".  Which is reassuring to know, especially when you remember that people get murdered/assaulted in their own homes every day and the police rarely - if ever - respond with any gusto.

[Doomy Dwyer]

Royals with personality are thin on the ground. The good old Queen Mother was supposed to have one, but can anyone remember anything she ever said? Most of what people liked about her was gleaned from her Spitting Image puppet, the tipsy old grandma who liked a squander on the gee gee's. In reality of course she was a drunk racist with awful teeth. People warmed to Princess Anne because she was a rude snob with big teeth. They admire Charles because he 'speaks his mind' about architecture (he dislikes houses and buildings that are less lovely than his) and organic biscuits. Prince Philip is another one of this sorry shower of shit who is afforded some measure of respect from certain sections of society for, again, 'speaking his mind'. He's a constant source of amusement and bizarre nationalistic pride due to his massive ignorance, disdain for convention and comedic remarks about people from lesser cultures.

The last royal with a distinctive personality to marry into the clan was probably Sarah Ferguson. Her personality was that of a deeply repellent, abrasive cretin. Even at the time it appeared as though someone at the big house had fallen asleep on at the Quality Control desk and she'd somehow sneaked in below the radar under the cover of night with forged documents and heavily disguised. I'm not one to dwell upon peoples physical shortcomings, that's unfair and beneath me, but I will say she was an unsightly carbuncle upon her entire gender, a woman who demeaned the very notion of the grace and beauty of womanhood, a hound, a slapper, and she had a fat arse. The royal family will never lower their guard to such an extent ever again, hence bland Katie. Hopefully she'll go hog wild with boredom and embark upon a long career of sucking foreigners toes and dying in cars.

Here's a pointless royal 'anecdote' - It wasn't until I started writing this that I remembered that I have been honoured and fortunate enough to actually meet royalty. What an occasion that was. It was some sort of marquee affair in Berkley Square that was to be attended by the Duke and Duchess of Wessex, or whatever their title is - let's just call them Eddie and Sophie. I wasn't a guest, it may surprise you to hear, I was there to sell books, working as I did at the time in a bookshop on Oxford Street. We were approached by some dreadful blue rinser who'd 'written' some waste of paper about the royal family that, like most books of this type, consisted entirely of photographs of royal people wearing exceptionally bland clothes shaking hands with dull people you've never heard of. It's the sort of thing I'd normally give the swerve to, but it was near the end of the month, I was skint and there would be free wine there. Also, the other person who'd volunteered to man the stall, wasn't actually a man, she was a lovely, sweet, vision of beauty, and I thought I might be in with an outside chance of steamy sex romps like you read about in the papers. So I was in the wonderful and rare position of exploiting the royal family in order to get drunk and hopefully fondled by a lady. Three birds with one stone. Sadly I never did get fondled by anyone but myself that night. But I did manage to get pissed for free, and that's still a result in my book. Anyway, towards the end of the evening some sort of lackey comes over and asked whether we'd like to meet the Prince Edward and his charming wife Sophie. I, quite reasonably, replied loudly in the negative. But the thing was, they were standing with him. It had been a rhetorical question - of course I'd want to meet them, he was just asking to be polite. So we shook hands, all looking bored and embarrassed by the whole tedious charade. I can't remember anything about the Earl of Wessex, but Lady Wessex appeared to be dressed in a crinoline sofa cover. Which is the most interesting part of this pointless story.     

[biggytitbo]

I hope Kate and Wills get trapped in a Belfry and die.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I'd like to use her head as a bowling ball but rather than hit any of the pins just watch her slide disconsolately into the gutter.