Embarrassing self-inflicted accidental injuries

[Cerys]

A couple of hours ago I was busy taking topless photos of myself.  From the back, I hasten to add - nothing sordid.  I just needed a particular pose, and I didn't have a handy victim to use as a model.  SNG was out, so I had the place to myself.  In the middle of lining up the shot, I suddenly became aware that the front door was being unlocked - and that there was more than one person outside it.  To save my blushes, I decided it'd be a good idea to shut the bedroom door.  Unfortunately I forgot that the ottoman at the foot of the bed was a bit further out than it normally is, hit it shin-first, fell over, didn't manage to put my hands out to stop myself, and received a carpet in the face.  Hard.
When SNG and friend came into the flat, only the friend (Beth) noticed me lying on the floor ... and because the camera was set up on the tripod, she thought I was there on purpose, doing something artistic....

SNG reckons he's going to be getting dirty looks in the street until the abrasions and swelling go away.  Bwaha.

Okay, I doubt anyone else has ever done the same thing - but what self-inflicted accidents of ouch do you have to confess?

[Doctor Stamen]

Nearly stabbed myself in the eye with a huge knife a couple of weeks ago when trying to make a toastie.  I was hungover, trying to open a packet of cheese with that awkward plastic wrapping on it, and the knife went right through and stopped a couple of centimetres from my face.  

Sometimes I even surprise myself with my complete stupidity.

[Hairy Chin]

I injured my mouth on wednesday night. I was moving out of the place I've been house-sitting, and back home. So a lesson for anyone - don't take more than you can carry.

I had about 12 shirts all on coathangers on one finger in one hand (I'dmade a kind of fist so the coathangers wouldn't slide off my finger or anything daft), and in the other hand I had my suit on a big thick coathanger, in one of those dust-jacket things, except this was a big fuck-off zip-up one, not those tatty open-ended clear plastic bag things you get from the dry cleaners.

So I got down the stairs with my burden of clothes, and I decide I should shut the door to keep the heat in and also to stop the dog from escaping, so clever me decides in order not to scrape anything on the ground or risk dropping anything when I shut the door behind me, I'll put the coat hanger with the suit on in my mouth for a second - I think I balanced the hook on my bottom front teeth, all well, except when I turned round from closing the door, a gust of wind caught the fucking dust-jacket which acted like a sail - it went off my teeth, slid all down my inside lip, caught my teeth again somehoe, chipped one of them, and stabbed me in the gob behind my gums, under my tongue.

The front part of the coarhanger hook was rounded, but the back bit that inflicted this hurt upon me was sharp as fuck. I was in a fair old bit of pain and was cussing loudly as I put the clothes in my car.

I messed up so many links on-air the following day - it felt like i had a new mouth - all the back of my teeth felt different when my tongue brushed against them when I talked, the underneath of my tongue hurt where the coathanger came to rest - and now i've got a scar on the inside of my lip which liiks like a big, long mouth ulcer and that's started to hurt today.

No other fucker would do something as stupud as putting a laden coathanger in their mouth while they shut a frigging door - but no, I bloody do, just to save me having to nake another trip from the car to fetch it. I'm a twat at times, aye.

[Dr David V]

Once I was very close to missing the bus home (not normally a problem, but I had to go to a funeral), and had to run out of college, up a big-arse hill, down the same big-arse hill, and through a load of people to get to the bus stop. I jumped down a set of about 3 concrete steps, fell, tumbled about 3 times, then got back up and continued running. The next day one person asked me what I was doing, I told her I was training to work in films as a stuntperson. Titter.

So, these pictures Cerys...

[Marcus Or Relius]

I accidentally mashed a cigarette into my hand whilst pissed at Uni. It didn't hurt so, like a complete idiot, I sat and stubbed cigs out all over my forearm during the night and thinking "Yeah, I'm cool."

I had big ugly fucking scabs over my forearm for over a year. They're gone now. Hurrah!

[Cerys]

Youch, youch, youch!

So, these pictures Cerys...

Well, there's this one -

[Dr David V]

Looks like someone's been eating ketchup...

[Marcus Or Relius]

Is that a mouth or an anus?

[Cerys]

Yes.

[DonkeyRods]

I accidentally mashed a cigarette into my hand whilst pissed at Uni. It didn't hurt so, like a complete idiot, I sat and stubbed cigs out all over my forearm during the night and thinking "Yeah, I'm cool."

I had big ugly fucking scabs over my forearm for over a year. They're gone now. Hurrah!

While I was at uni we had a contest to see who could withstand the severest chinese-burns and pinches without flinching. I won, and was a hero for the rest of the night. But for the next two weeks, my arm looked like that of a dead man - all blue and purple and green. The site of it the next morning cured the hangover though.

[Funky Gibbon]

When I was a kid, I had some very powerful suction cups that were taken from an old car windscreen cover.  (I still tend to keep bits of useless crap that may come in handy some day) For a laugh I stuck one of these that I had attached a stick to in a doomed attempt to make a suction dart, to the centre of my forehead, ran around for a bit laughing and pretending to be a dalek, then decided to remove it. Tug.... Hmm, strong little bugger...  TUG... shit, it's stuck. Five minutes of yanking later and it came off with a satisfyingly large pop.
I then proceeded downstairs for my tea to be met by laughter from everyone in the room. I had a one and a half inch dark purple bruise in the middle of my forehead. It took well over a fortnight to fade away. Not fun in the schoolground I can tell you.

[Purple Tentacle]

Not self-inflicted, but my mum once dropped a mediaeval milk churn on my foot, in public, at an old mill, and smashed it. The foot, not the churn, annoyingly.

The stupid cow at the A&E wrote that I had a teapot dropped on my foot. It wasn't a teapot, it was a mediaeval milk churn.

Incidentally, I find women's backs intensely arousing. There has yet, to my knowledge, to be a jazzmag full of women facing away from the camera.

I think I've found a niche.

"Backslags"

"Big backs monthly"

"It's good to be back!"

[Ambient Sheep]

Incidentally, I find women's backs intensely arousing. There has yet, to my knowledge, to be a jazzmag full of women facing away from the camera.

Just for you, I dug this old Pink Floyd poster out.  As long as you mop up when you've finished, though.

[DonkeyRods]

When I was a kid, I had some very powerful suction cups that were taken from an old car windscreen cover.  (I still tend to keep bits of useless crap that may come in handy some day) For a laugh I stuck one of these that I had attached a stick to in a doomed attempt to make a suction dart, to the centre of my forehead, ran around for a bit laughing and pretending to be a dalek, then decided to remove it. Tug....

Great story. Reminded me of another self-inflicted childhood wound. My brother had put his bike upside down in the garage, for an unknown reason. Being about three years old, i had a great time winding the pedals to see how fast I could make the big wheel spin. Then, as if posessed by a higher alien conciousness, I placed my lower lip against the tire as it slowed down, so the tread 'tickled' the inside of my lip. It must have been great, cos i was doing it for about fifteen minutes. I quickly became immune to my fix, and had to spin the wheel faster and faster. I can't remember why I stopped, but it doesn't take a genius to work out that I spent a good few days with red-raw, skinless lips.

I was an exceptionally stupid three year old. I still have a scar on my forehead from were I tried to use clothes on the washing line as a swing.

[Lt Plonker]

We have a low hung ceiling over our stairs and I tend to bound down them with a vibrant skip, so much so, that I occasionaly thwack my head on the overhang.

I've done this a lot.

[wasp_f15ting]

I worked out really hard one day at the gym, and had loads of lactic build up in my thighs, so I rubbed loads of that "deep heat" stuff into my thighs, it was nice and soothing, Under my knee was a blob that had slipt my finger and stayed there, as I pulled up my joggin pants, the balm had made its way around my tender regions, staying near my calf it had absorbed my body heat, thus did not feel like a anything.

I was jogging home from the gym, only 900m away, and about 350m in, I felt the most horrid of sensations, it was like a dwarf had climbed into my pants and was practicing fire breathing. The balm had not only made it to the most sensitive of areas, it had also dried into my skin, the pain I felt there and then was so damn horrid, it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.. I walked home like a he-man plastic toy and cooled myself with water.. and waited for the menthanol and other fire things to go wash away.. I feel ashamed to tell you this.. but it was horrid :(

[Darrell]

The other day I was cleaning my room, as you do, and whilst rushing around tripped over the corner of my bed (you know, when the edge of the duvet sticks out like a fucker and traps you), and managed to land in such a way so that my thumb was impaled on the spiky bit on a sellotape dispenser. I shredded the bastard thumb to bits, and it still looks all corrugated after it's semi-healed.

Had Armando Iannucci's 'Mobile Phones Off!' not been on in the background I may well have gone insane through the pain.

[Cerys]

I think waspy gets the prize for ouchiness.

I probably get the prize for utter exhibitionism -



I suspect I'll regret this....

[Dr. Gizmonic]

Once I was watching a particularly bad movie, I believe it was 'Legally Blonde'. Anyway, I grew bored and a little suicidal, so I started playing with my air-pistol, a neat little gas-powered jobby I mainly use to show arrogant ducks who's boss.
Anyway, I started by firing it at point-blank into my naked thigh. It hurt like a six-hour sodomy session with Ron Jeremy. Now, you'd think this would deter me from further experimentations, but you'd be underestimating just how bad this movie was. I proceeded to fire it into my foot, my arms, my face and places I really wish I hadn't.
The worst part is how the collision points looked after a few hours, and how they felt for the next month, plus it was extremely hard to explain to people how they got there..

I really, really wish I hadn't done it.

[Frinky]

I'm sure I've done this story...

After a show at school one day I got overexcited and hyper... I found myself in an empty corridoor and decided a good way to unleash my extra energy would be to kung-fu kick the double doors.

Unfortunatly, I underestimated how much energy I actually had and while the kick did short work of the doors, my altitude was as such that I smashed my head into the door frame. Nice big, deep gash. Hospital-me-do.

[Frinky]

Are you moving into replica Victorian Porn, Cerys?

[Tokyo Sexwhale]

I think waspy gets the prize for ouchiness.

I probably get the prize for utter exhibitionism -



I suspect I'll regret this....

Perhaps someone will paint The White Album on that!

[Blue Jam]

While doing a medical work experience course a few years ago I met another student who had a massive long fresh scar all the way along his forearm. I asked him how he got it, and he said "I did it trying to follow FHM's instructions on how to make your own lightsabre from a child's plastic bucket."

He's probably a surgeon now.

[Funky Gibbon]

"How to make your own lightsabre from a child's plastic bucket."

OK I give up. Anyone know how do that? As I tend to buy the Fortean Times rather than FHM, I must have missed that little gem. All i could find on the net was this.
Note the "best lightsaber bucket fhm sites!" titlebar. Almost made me laugh it did.


Cerys. That image is strangely pleasing, but I have yet to figure out on what level. I may have to consider it further or attempt to mong it to hell. Nothing personal you understand...

[Ambient Sheep]

I suspect I'll regret this....

...especially once Purple Tentacle gets to see it.  Poor inflamed lad.

[Cerys]

Are you moving into replica Victorian Porn, Cerys?

We just don't know at this stage....

[Rats]

By jesus, you could really get some purchase on those hips mmmnfrom behind ... don't look at me like that, it's your fault. Art my arse.

[Frinky]

We should start a MM thread on this. You know you want to.

[Cerys]

Oh, the inevitability....

I'd just like to point out that I'm sitting down in that photo.  My arse isn't really that huge.  I hope.

[Rats]

Damn. You've spoilt it for me now.