Cinema etiquette

[small_world]

It's fairly rare we get to 'the pictures' these days. The expense mainly, but also my girlfriend's work commitments. It's a shame I really like going to see a few flicks, with the popcorn and other people.

But sometimes, the other people are just a bit too much.

Last time we went to see a film, it was to see Limitless, anyone who has seen this film knows that, the first 20 minutes or so builds a picture of what the main guy's day to day life is normally like. So missing that 'bit' really means you don't get the full story, in fact, you really experience a different film.
So, enter your protagonist (that's me) and his beautiful girlfriend. We take our seats in a fairly empty auditorium, just as the main trailers are running. A few minutes later and the screen goes dark and the action begins. Minutes pass and we're enjoying ourselves, the story is building and just as the film begins to change direction, enters a woman.
She walks in front of the screen holding her phone and a bucket of popcorn, and instead of choosing a seat anywhere else in the screen, she sits maybe 5 seats from us on the same row. Kicks the seats in front (empty, that whole row is) and proceeds emptying the contents of her bag into the area surrounding her.
Ignore it. Isn't she coming in a bit late to really 'get' this?. Ignore. She turns her attention to the screen for maybe 20 seconds, then to her phone. She picks up the phone and begins to text. Ignore it. She looks back to the screen then back to the phone, and returns to texting.
At this point she was really ruining what was looking like an interesting film. So I turned to her and did that cinema "shush" thing. My girlfriend looks at her and utters something about me ignoring it, but I can't. She's still on her phone, and it's BRIGHT and it's right next to me. So I "Shush" her again. Again, no response. Fucking hell, so I bang on the seat to her side of me, and she looks up and virtually shouts "IT'S MY SISTER, SHE'S VERY UNWELL".
Now under most circumstances I would have took her phone off her and thrown it towards the front of the screen, but as we were to see another film following this one, I did the sensible thing and asked if an usher could come and check her behaviour.
The usher came, and as she was still texting, she was asked to cease. But this bitch actually shouted at the usher person. In the end the usher gave me the "She's a total cunt" look as she was leaving, and the phone woman moved to the other side of the cinema.
Now she was out of my peripheral vision I was fine, but I did notice she was texting all the way through the film, to which she paid very little attention. Until about an hour into the film she got up and left.
Cunt.

Now that's exceptional. But I've witnessed loads of cuntish behaviour. Even in the same film a couple of guys behind us had their feet up on our row of chairs and kept kicking them throughout the film.

And another time, in Batman the Dark Night, a couple of young lads (I don't know the age restriction on it, but they couldn't have been over 15) had obviously became bored, it was a fairly long film, and had began making stupid noises and then throwing popcorn.
Now this was a massive film. The screen was pretty packed. And they were just acting the cunt. Someone had already complained about their behaviour, an usher had come in to the the screen, but while they were there the kids shut up. As soon as the y left they went back to acting on.
I put up with it for about 20 minutes, and then I lost it. I went and sat at the end of their row, they were sat on the end themselves. And they kept on throwing stuff, making the noises and shouting at things.
I asked them if they'd like to be quiet, or if they had become bored, and if they had, didn't they want to leave. They gave me some back chat, obviously thinking I wouldn't really do anything in such a busy cinema.
But they turned back in to each other, and just fucking kept laughing, shouting, throwing popcorn and making noises. So I grabbed one of them, and dragged him out of the screen.
His mate followed shouting about the whole thing, I took him to the cinema door and told them, very politely, to fuck off.
I returned to the film, and at the end of the picture one of the ushers (are they actually called ushers?) came up to me to 'tell me off' saying I should have called one of them about it. But just as they were talking about this, the original people who had complained (they'd been sat behind them) and a really old couple (In Batman?) who had been sat right next to them came up to thank me and tell the usher that they'd just left too swiftly to have been any use.

Anyway, yeah.
Cunts in cinemas. And the cunts who annoy them.

Other things like this for me include (and I'm going to hell for this one) the support group that seems to be in watching whatever I want to see, whenever I go to the cinema. With the extremely disabled ones who obviously don't even know where they are, and are probably making the noises they do because they are scared of the flashing lights and the very loud sounds. The care workers are there to enjoy the latest films on a free ride, but at the same time, putting everyone else off.

[El Unicornio, mang]

All of those people should have been thrown out, no question. When I went to see Harsh Times in Florida, a Mexican family of about 7, Mum, Dad and five kids aged between a few months and about 7, came in about half an hour into it and made a shitload of noise, kids running up and down the aisle, etc. It was a dollar theatre, but still... No idea why any parent would think that bringing young kids to such an adults only film is a good idea, not to mention what's the point of coming in half an hour late and barely paying attention? Generally I just wait for the dvd/blu ray these days so I can avoid such things.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Cinema etiquette is pretty simple really. Sit down and shut up.

Anyone who can't do that deserves to be SHOT DEAD.

[Small Man Big Horse]

Cinema etiquette is pretty simple really. Sit down and shut up.

Anyone who can't do that deserves to be SHOT DEAD.

Shoulders beat me to it. Except perhaps he didn't go far enough, I think each cinema should have it's own dungeon where mouthy shites end up being tortured for the rest of their natural lives.

I don't mind a bit of crowd reaction and the odd comment if I go and see a blockbuster one evening (but that happens about four times a decade - I think the last time was seeing Star Trek where the audience was surprisingly well behaved) but I'm lucky in that I often do shift work, so can go in the middle of a rainy Tuesday afternoon and there's only three other people in the cinema with me.

I'm normally a mild mannered and slightly lovable fella, but if people start fucking around in the cinema it's the one time I'll go Hulk-esque and bust their asses. Or at least ask them to be quiet.

[El Unicornio, mang]

Just be careful not to upset any bleach wielding yobs!

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2771120/Harry-Potter-bleach-yob-is-guilty.html

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

And remember that bad people like burglars paedophiles and the welsh exist and could be in your back garden right now building a den out of shit.

[El Unicornio, mang]

That sounds a bit far fetched

[Zero Gravitas]

Only in Brown's Britain!

[SteveDave]

There was almost a fistfight when I & my ladyfriend went to see Never Let Me Go. A woman had been speaking in a stage whisper for about the first 20 minutes until a man shushed her to which she replied "I've got children! I'm allowed to talk to my husband about my children aren't I?" to which the shusher replied "Not when we've paid £8.50 to watch a film you're not". The talker's husband stood up offended that his wife was made to look like a dick & the shusher said in a Withnail like quivering voice "If you hit me I'll call the police". We'd gone to see a film but we were witnessing a scene because at this point Keira Knightly could've been knuckle deep in Carey Mulligan on the screen & no-one would've cared as all eyes were glued to what would happen next. Unfortunately no fight happened & no police were called. The situation was ended with a simple "Sit down Mario". However later in the same film a fellow to our left went to the toilet for 15 minutes & when he came back began asking his girlfriend what had happened again in a loud stage whisper.

The highlight of the film though for me was the man in front of us who at one point crossed his legs & emitted a sound like an elastic band snapping.

In closing Never Let Me Go wasn't all that & we were all sad to not see a fight.

[The Boston Crab]

The wife sounds like a total cunt, first for the whisper, second for the parent card. Great story. I especially like your 'best bit of the film'.

[CaledonianGonzo]

On the whole, I think arthouse cinema audiences are potentially worse for talking all the way through movies than the Saturday night blockbuster crowd - though admittedly I'm not really a Transformers 2 kind of guy so maybe I've just been lucky..

Having said that, I've been to the cinema in India and it was fucking pandemonium - every cinema screening in the UK ever is a model of tranquility in comparison.

[The Masked Unit]

One of the worst things about going to the cinema is idiots who laugh at stupid, unfunny adverts and trailers. I also hate the sound of packet rustling and food crunching, and in fact simply refuse to go to the cinema unless I can guarantee that I'll be one of the only people in there. Straight after work is usually a good time - separates the film fans from the wankers.

[Famous Mortimer]

I'm a little surprised the sheer cost of going to the cinema these days hasn't put off the people who just want to fuck about.

[madhair60]

Cinema etiquette is pretty simple really. Sit down and shut up.

Anyone who can't do that deserves to be SHOT DEAD.

+1

[thenoise]

On the whole, I think arthouse cinema audiences are potentially worse for talking all the way through movies than the Saturday night blockbuster crowd - though admittedly I'm not really a Transformers 2 kind of guy so maybe I've just been lucky..

Yeah, maybe - the arthouse crowd see fit to pass judgement, whereas the Saturday night crowd for the most part just want to be entertained.  Worst crowd I saw was for Dancer in the Dark in Totnes.  A bunch of art students obviously not impressed decided to enjoy it in their 'own way' - laughing and making inappropriate remarks, culminating in a bunch of them

Spoiler alert

clapping and cheering when the Bjork character gets hanged

[close]

- seriously.  Totally spoiled the film.

If there weren't lots of them and bigger than me, I would have given them a piece of my mind!

[Incandenza]

I'm 100% in favour of Cinema Nazis- If I overnight became a billionaire for inventing a new form of legwarmer, I would definitely open a cinema chain called NO CUNTS ALLOWED. The main policy of NCA would be a zero tolerance approach to cuntery- So no food allowed. At all. You have to hand your phone in at the desk. In the cinema are four large gentlemen who IMMEDIATELY remove any talkers, refund them, and politely ask they never return.

On a side note, NCA would have more films showing at 7pm. Rather than just 6 and 8, like my local penis house (cinema).


On a somewhat related note- I had a horrible run in with a school group at the theatre the other night. Now talking at the cinema is punishable by death in my eyes, but talking at the theatre is even worse, and only an immediate genital mutilation followed by slow bleeding to death is appropriate.
As the lights went down, the school immediately settled into a low-level but constant whispering and giggling that would clearly last the entire two hours. I sucked up all my courage (I don't usually have the stones to confront people about this stuff), turned round and spat- SHUT UP. This caused the entire class to collectively shit themselves, be silent for about ten minutes, and then start talking again.
When it got to the interval, the teacher appeared and I went to have a word. I was very polite and just told her I wanted to watch the play without having to listen to her gaggle of cretins. She then began sticking up for her class- "That's not what they've told me, they said they were being very quiet". I can understand having loyalty to your class etc, but if some random bloke appears (and not a grumpy pensioner) to tell you your class have been fucking about - they have. It's a school trip, it's the theatre, this is standard. Of course, the kids then began piping in "We haven't done anything miss" and "No one else complained". I should also note at this point they had all each bought a mountain of sweets and crisps. Act two would not be fun. Lots of people had been turning round and giving the evils to these kids, but no one had the testicular fortitude to do anything. The teacher then had the rocks to suggest I move seats! Presumably so her class could keep talking without me telling them off!
Anyway, a very nice usher managed to find us some seats sat away from the no-futures, so it was a vaguely happy ending. Unfortunately I had to walk past them to the new seats, and was faced by a chorus of sarcastic, sneery "BYE" and "SEE YA" which further hurt my pride.

IN BRIEF: Cunts at theatre.

One of the very few cinema disturbances I have enjoyed was a woman doing an enormous fart during Attack of the Clones, and the entire first four rows getting the giggles.

[Incandenza]

...culminating in a bunch of them

Spoiler alert

clapping and cheering when the Bjork character gets hanged

[close]

- seriously.  Totally spoiled the film.

If there weren't lots of them and bigger than me, I would have given them a piece of my mind!

OH MY CHRIST- That's unforgivable. I hope they all died in a car crash on the way home.

[The Masked Unit]

This seems as good a place as any to mention that a group of friends at the cinema watching the Xfiles, I believe, witnessed a sleeping, loudly snoring man get up, remove every last item of clothing, and sleep walk over to the little stage bit in front of the screen, where he lay down and promptly resumed his loud slumber.

[Harpo Speaks]

I've been to the cinema in India and it was fucking pandemonium - every cinema screening in the UK ever is a model of tranquility in comparison.

American cinema-going sounds so different to here - people clapping, cheering and booing during the film. I was listening to a podcast, and they described a bit in the film (I can't remember which film) where people in the cinema started chanting 'USA! USA!' Sounds like hell.

I usually go to my Independent Cinema which seems to reduce a lot of the problems I've had in the larger cinema chains. Despite this, I was pretty unimpressed when some twammer got up halfway through Black Swan (I was in the aisle seat) to buy drinks. Buy it before you go in or not at all.

[Harpo Speaks]

[Famous Mortimer]

American cinema-going sounds so different to here - people clapping, cheering and booing during the film.

I've been to an arthouse (so indie that instead of seats, it had settees and random armchairs) and a multiplex in the USA and they were both quiet as the grave. Not saying they aren't normally noisy, just offering an alternate.

[Harpo Speaks]

I've been to an arthouse (so indie that instead of seats, it had settees and random armchairs) and a multiplex in the USA and they were both quiet as the grave. Not saying they aren't normally noisy, just offering an alternate.

Yeah, I wouldn't have thought that was the case every time, just that it seems to be a situation that is more common there than here. When there were all those stories about people applauding at the end of the King's Speech it was noteworthy because that's something that you don't generally see from UK audiences.

[AlkyBastard]

Funny enough, a while back Kermode did a video blog where he said he was over in the US, and they were much more well behaved than audiences back home, which surprised him considering their worse reputation.

[Artemis]

American cinema-going sounds so different to here - people clapping, cheering and booing during the film. I was listening to a podcast, and they described a bit in the film (I can't remember which film) where people in the cinema started chanting 'USA! USA!' Sounds like hell.

I enjoyed my experiences watching movies in America far more than I enjoy watching movies here. I love crowd participation and reaction; it feels like a film is doing it's job when the crowd really get into it. I'd definitely draw a distinction between people like that and the cunts who kick the seat in front, throw popcorn and generally act like twats for the amusement of their twat mates.

Personally, I tend to avoid the cinema during peak times because I don't like to be surrounded by others watching a movie if I can watch it in a quieter environment with less noise and more space, even though I do like some people kicking around (ditto for bars, restaurants, public lavatories and anywhere involving anyone really).

[The Roofdog]

I always seem to get stuck next to a couple of middle-aged women who know it's wrong to talk during a film but seem to think the first 5-10 minutes are exempt and can be used to finish whatever inane bullshit conversation they were having before the film started. And if there's a long title sequence they'll barely even bother whispering. I think it's generally accepted that the BBFC certificate is the moment to 100% shut the fuck up isn't it?

[holyzombiejesus]

I'd like to own a cinema just so I could have the pleasure of kicking nobheads out.

I've found you get a different type of annoying cunt, depending on which type of cinema you go to. Multiplexes are generally ok during the day (in term time) but you do get kids who think it's cool or funny to disrupt or shout throughout, as happened during Attack The Block last Sunday. They don't seem to care if they're unsettling an audience and confrontation is generally useless unless accompanied by an insinuation or threat of violence. When I went to see One Hour Photo, I asked a man to stop talikg and at the end he came up to me and apologised, which was decent. But then he got a bit weird and asked if I wanted to go for a drink to discuss the film. When I turned down his offer and told him that I thought the film was ok, he repled 'Yeah, I much prefer Robin Williams as a fast-gag funny man!" I always think of the words 'fast-gag funny man' (and 'cunt') whenever I see RW on tv now.

I usually go to Cornerhouse, which is an 'arthouse' (I hate that word; didn't Empire use to denote 'arthouse' films with a little icon of a beret?) cinema and I find their customers far more insidiously annoying. (As an aside, Cornerhouse film programmers are bigger cunts than any amount of pricks talking through films.) I will try and forgive laughing at the mercilessly annoying Red Bull adverts or Virgin Media shorts - although if I have to watch that Rio/ Orange ad again, I'll explode-but if a film says that it starts at 2:00pm, why do people turn up at 20 past, half past? I think of the ads and trailers as a time for settling down and preparing yourself to be immersed in the forthcoming film, not to be constantly disturbed by fuckwits who can't tell the time.  The worst thing though is when people have noisy food and think that if they get their crisps out of the bag or unwrap a sweet r e a l l y  s l o w l y then it becomes silent. It doesn't, you stupid fucking cunt, it just becomes a hundred more times annoying, continually there, rustling away a few feet behind you. It's also quite difficult to ask people to stop eating as opposed to talking.

[The Roofdog]

if a film says that it starts at 2:00pm, why do people turn up at 20 past, half past?

This is a tricky one - personally I think it's bad form but I know a lot of otherwise reasonable people who always turn up 20 minutes late to avoid the adverts, and I can kind of see their point because there's so many of the bastards now. But really, you don't know when the film's going to start and a bunch of people squeezing past you when the lights have already gone down is annoying even if it is only the adverts. If it's the trailers it's even worse - a lot of people like watching the trailers.

I'd like to own a cinema just so I could have the pleasure of kicking nobheads out.

I'd set up a big inviting nacho stall in the foyer and then direct everyone carrying nachos straight past the screens and out the back door.

[lipsink]

I went to see 'The Last Exorcist' and a real witty guy in the cinema kept wolf whistling every time an obese female character appeared on the screen. Heh, outrageous.

It seemed at that performance the people who actually came to watch the film were in the minority. When someone complained, a staff member came in, realised that 3/4 of the audience were shouting and laughing and then gave up and walked back out.

[Small Man Big Horse]

My most bizarre experience was when I went to see the re-release of The Draughtsman's Contract, and one person started translating the film, line by line, in to French for their friend. After about five minutes I asked them to be quiet, and they were quite offended and one stroppily asked "How is my friend supposed to understand the film now?" I did feel a bit guilty at first (I was a nicer person back then), but I'm amazed they thought they could do such a thing without annoying everyone around them.

[Gulftastic]

Just be careful not to upset any bleach wielding yobs!

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2771120/Harry-Potter-bleach-yob-is-guilty.html

My local cinema. Last time we were there, a noisy gang of lasses in their early teens were being a right pain. Luckily, my sister is a teacher and went and gave them a stern word, and they shut the heck up. Happily, no post-picture bleaching took place.