Author Topic: Earth Shattering Local News  (Read 57221 times)

Blumf

  • Not long now
    • IGNORE ME!!!
Earth Shattering Local News
« on: June 23, 2011, 04:34:22 PM »
Wars? Pah! Financial Armageddon? Pssh! Everybody knows nothing ever happens in the world at the national and international level, it's all boring. It's local where stuff really goes down, community fêtes, councillors opening car parks, Z-list celebs promoting books. All of it hot stuff.

Quick, pop over to your local news site and bring back an astounding story:

http://www.dudleynews.co.uk/news/9097876.Cheese_thief_before_courts/
Quote
A 28 YEAR-old Dudley man has been handed a community order after stealing cheese.

Appearing at Dudley Magistrates Court on June 6, Mohammed Shafiq, of Himley Road, was handed the six month punishment, for stealing three blocks of cheddar cheese, worth £13.17 from Co-op.

Lawks! Three (3!) blocks of Cheddar! Beat that!

biggytitbo

  • WHAT ABOUT THE GODDAM JAFFA CAKES ASSWIPE
    • theunredacted
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #1 on: June 23, 2011, 05:13:49 PM »
Wasn't the case against him full of holes?

Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2011, 05:22:19 PM »
http://www.bournemouthecho.co.uk/news/districts/poole/9102815.Transsexual__humiliated__in_Poole_stadium_toilet_row/?ref=mr

Worth it for the picture, mainly.  Johnny Vegas' slightly less attractive sisterbrother.

BlodwynPig

  • Throwing two dogs at a goblin
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #3 on: June 23, 2011, 05:39:15 PM »
or those Ozark twins' slightly more attractive sister

biggytitbo

  • WHAT ABOUT THE GODDAM JAFFA CAKES ASSWIPE
    • theunredacted
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #4 on: June 23, 2011, 06:00:10 PM »
We've all woke up with worse on a Sunday morning.

mycroft

  • Mmmmm... *eyebrow*
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #5 on: June 23, 2011, 06:12:18 PM »
Victoria Saxe-Coburg? I suppose she wears the same sized pants as the original at any rate...

Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #6 on: June 23, 2011, 08:23:07 PM »
This is an old story:

http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/queensland/buckets-of-chicken-nuggets-in-return-for-sex/story-e6freoof-1225698857465

But it was given major space on my local paper's website when it happened. To me, it still seems to sum up the entire paper and its aims.

thecuriousorange

  • WELCOME THRILLHOU
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #7 on: June 23, 2011, 08:43:56 PM »
Wars? Pah! Financial Armageddon? Pssh! Everybody knows nothing ever happens in the world at the national and international level, it's all boring. It's local where stuff really goes down, community fêtes, councillors opening car parks, Z-list celebs promoting books. All of it hot stuff.

Quick, pop over to your local news site and bring back an astounding story:

http://www.dudleynews.co.uk/news/9097876.Cheese_thief_before_courts/
Lawks! Three (3!) blocks of Cheddar! Beat that!


This criminal is part of the same gang:
http://www.eveningexpress.co.uk/Article.aspx/2319812

They were going to fashion a toastie once the third member had completed Operation Bread.

Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #8 on: June 23, 2011, 08:50:22 PM »
A more stereoypical story would, sadly, be difficult to imagine: http://www.thisissouthwales.co.uk/Sheep-roof-drama/story-12781342-detail/story.html

Quote: FIREFIGHTERS rescued a sheep from the roof of a terraced house in a South Wales village.

The lost sheep spent 40 minutes on the tiles at Nant-Yr-Ychain Terrace in Pontycymmer near Bridgend, which backs onto a hill.

The animal eventually jumped down onto another extension and escaped unhurt.

South Wales Fire and Rescue Service confirmed that it had dealt with an emergency call at 2.02pm on Saturday at the street, and that the sheep had escaped unhurt.



And spotted in an attic window was a sideburned male with a rapidly softening semi!


thecuriousorange

  • WELCOME THRILLHOU
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #9 on: June 23, 2011, 09:13:00 PM »
Bit of an unfortunate headline in the Gloustershire Echo:


Cohaagen

  • ^who is this man?
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #10 on: June 23, 2011, 09:32:47 PM »
Lawks! Three (3!) blocks of Cheddar! Beat that!

<Dreyfus>I got that beat. I got that beat</Dreyfus>

Last week I cut this out from the local rag of the shithole where my aged mother lives:



A packet of crisps. That's what, 50p? 20 if it's Space Raiders, maybe less for Transform-a-Snacks.

And before anyone says it, yes, that is a Bug's Life duvet cover. I am 29 years old.

biggytitbo

  • WHAT ABOUT THE GODDAM JAFFA CAKES ASSWIPE
    • theunredacted
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #11 on: June 23, 2011, 10:13:22 PM »
Winner =

Husband eats 50-year-old chicken

He's my hero. Sigh.


Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #12 on: June 23, 2011, 10:23:20 PM »

biggytitbo

  • WHAT ABOUT THE GODDAM JAFFA CAKES ASSWIPE
    • theunredacted
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #13 on: June 23, 2011, 10:28:11 PM »
It's the rule of 3 and the discordant photo that makes it work so brilliantly.

mycroft

  • Mmmmm... *eyebrow*
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #14 on: June 24, 2011, 01:31:54 AM »
Why does Claire Daniels want millions of dollars and not pounds? Fucking traitor. To the Tower with her!

Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #15 on: June 24, 2011, 02:25:30 AM »
Re: 'My Platform'.

Fucking hell. Priceless.. I wish I hadn't, but I haven't laughed so hard in a good few weeks, if not a month.
We're all absolutely fucked as a species, aren't we?

thecuriousorange

  • WELCOME THRILLHOU
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #16 on: June 24, 2011, 03:05:03 AM »

Santa's Boyfriend

  • 'S all in the game, yo
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #17 on: June 24, 2011, 08:55:46 AM »



turnstyle

  • His wife doesn't like the Sarcastic Butlers
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #18 on: June 24, 2011, 10:08:54 AM »

Uncle TechTip

  • Take that fucking avatar down. It's horrible.
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #19 on: June 24, 2011, 10:47:29 AM »

Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #20 on: June 25, 2011, 11:52:06 AM »
ENGLISH HERITAGE is to take action after damning new footage emerged showing cows disturbing ancient standing stones in west Penwith.

http://www.thisiscornwall.co.uk/Video-footage-prompts-action-protect-stones/story-12819075-detail/story.html

rudi

  • I'm not interested
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #21 on: June 25, 2011, 12:40:25 PM »
Damning indeed and with local emnity brewing in the comments section too...

Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #22 on: June 30, 2011, 10:34:29 PM »

http://www.hertsad.co.uk/news/phone_stolen_from_st_albans_estate_agent_1_948051

A simple act of opportunistic thievery you might think. But when you factor in this remarkably similar crime from almost exactly a year ago, things start to add up!

http://www.eveningstar.co.uk/news/signed_england_shirt_stolen_from_st_albans_shop_1_465817

St Albans: The Mega-City One of Buckinghamshire.

Jumble Cashback

  • I bet you never expected to find ME in your urine!
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #23 on: June 30, 2011, 10:40:02 PM »
Bleep Cleep Chimney, I fucking LOVE your avatar.

Blumf

  • Not long now
    • IGNORE ME!!!
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #24 on: June 30, 2011, 11:49:10 PM »
People sell drugs in run-down Midlands town centre SHOCK HORROR!!!
http://www.dudleynews.co.uk/news/9112709.Drug_dealing_is_rife_in_Dudley_High_Street__court_hears/

Blast from the (recent) past:

http://www.dudleynews.co.uk/news/local/8448508.Stray_horses_on_rampage/
Quote
Stray horses on rampage
PENSNETT children on their way to school were left frightened, as stray horses galloped in and out of traffic.

One concerned resident said she had to take one horse back to a field three times in one morning, after finding it weaving through traffic on Bromley Lane.

http://www.expressandstar.com/news/2011/02/04/prisoner-pensioners-call-to-act-over-stray-horses/
Quote
Calls, made at last night’s Brierley Hill Area Committee, came as a Dudley pensioner said she was a prisoner in her home after horses got into her garden and were locked in by neighbours so they could not run out into the road.

http://www.dudleynews.co.uk/news/local/your_community/op/8988639.New_plan_to_reign_in_problem_of_stray_horses/
Quote
A 164-YEAR-OLD law unearthed by police could help reign in the problem of stray horses roaming the borough.

In Dudley, you're never more than 10 feet from a horse!

George Oscar Bluth II

  • Karma: +69 / -420
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #25 on: July 01, 2011, 12:01:54 PM »
http://www.thisislincolnshire.co.uk/Lincoln-thief-gives-elaborate-excuse-stealing/story-12860138-detail/story.html

Quote
A MAN caught red-handed trying to loot lead from the roof of a former hospital told police he was not attempting to steal but rather "hunting for ghosts".

Paul Robinson, 24, of Newark Road, Lincoln, was spotted by a security guard on the roof of the former St John's Hospital in Bracebridge Heath, near Lincoln, with a young man carrying pieces of lead.

Police were called and when asked at the scene what the pair were doing Robinson replied: "We were ghost-hunting."


mycroft

  • Mmmmm... *eyebrow*
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #26 on: July 01, 2011, 12:19:34 PM »
Don't it make him feel good?

Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • You Go Careful There Now My Love
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #27 on: July 01, 2011, 12:21:27 PM »
That Paul Robinson's a one isn't he?

He ought to be careful going up on roofs though, he could lose a leg.

Koant

  • Wittier than a really witty thing
    • Koantig
Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #28 on: July 01, 2011, 12:38:19 PM »
In 2008, no one died.
In 2019, no one died.
In 2010, no one died.
In 2011, no one died.

Re: Earth Shattering Local News
« Reply #29 on: July 01, 2011, 04:43:11 PM »
I tweeted this pic when we were camping in Norfolk last week.