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Earth Shattering Local News

Started by Blumf, June 23, 2011, 04:34:22 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

BlodwynPig

Quote from: asids on January 28, 2018, 08:03:49 PM
Woman buying waffle maker at B&M in Weston-super-Mare told to f*** off

Woman makes up B&M Bargains kerfuffle for a laugh and an obligatory article.

Two "reporters" for this one (Wafflegate)

QuoteBy James Wood & Joseph Wilkes

BlodwynPig

QuoteIt's not just B&M that has responded to Kat's tweet however.

Natalie B, from Wales, responded to the tweet saying: "Told you to f*** off? Wow. I'd be fired if I ever did that."

Good one. That was probably deputy chief reporter Joseph Wilkes contribution to the piece.

Blumf

Quote from: asids on January 28, 2018, 08:03:49 PM
Woman buying waffle maker at B&M in Weston-super-Mare told to f*** off

Woman makes up B&M Bargains kerfuffle for a laugh and an obligatory article.

That's be pretty good service for a B&M

This one is even better;

http://www.bristolpost.co.uk/whats-on/shopping/ikea-a-lie-declares-shopper-1128612
QuoteIKEA 'a lie' declares shopper after cutting his desk in half and finding something 'extremely surprising'
...
After sawing his IKEA desk in half, he inspected the two pieces and was aghast at what he saw.

He posted photos on Twitter, and said: "I always knew that Ikea furniture was fake wood—particle board with a veneer on top.

"Fine, whatever.

"But last night I sawed into my desk and discovered the particle board *itself* is a lie.

Everything is a lie!!!!!

Ferris

QuoteDuty relief manager Miss Maria Ahmed, 20, said: "We are made of really hard stuff at Shirley Post Office and we are even harder now that we've met Ross Kemp."

https://www.birminghammail.co.uk/news/midlands-news/ross-kemp-armed-police-called-14066784



Blumf

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-birmingham-43126261
Quote

"Anyone lost a peacock?" That is the question a council is asking after one was spotted perched on a garage.
...
"It was just wondering around the top of the garage looking confused," Mr Dacre-Lewis said.

Ferris

Quote from: Blumf on February 21, 2018, 03:49:24 PM
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-birmingham-43126261

I know of the person who owns this peacock. It got loose near a friends house around 10 years ago and I nearly ran it over. It lives just off the A5. Small world eh?

Should I be contacting the council?

Blumf

Is that why the peacock is confused? Is it thinking "How can the same shit happen to the same peacock twice!?", before thwarting a criminal scheme to hold Birmingham Airport hostage.

Ferris

Maybe it's a different one, I don't think they live for 10+ years do they? But it seems unlikely that there is more than one careless peacock owner in that reasonably small bit of the world.

Perhaps rates of peacock ownership in the suburban West Midlands are higher than the national average but I have no way to test that thesis.

Blumf

Google says they live for 10-25 years, which is a decade more than I'd have guessed. So, it's possible.

Peacocks and dogging - that's all suburban West Midlands has going on.

Ferris

Quote from: Blumf on February 21, 2018, 06:00:32 PM
Peacocks and dogging - that's all suburban West Midlands has going on.

Peacock and peek-at-cock.

Fury after Morrisons wouldn't sell couple meat pies before 9am

The meat pies were within sniffing distance - but staff told Linda and Tony Gilkes at 8.45am they could not be sold for another 15 minutes. Husband Tony, who eats fish and chips three days a week and rarely touches pastry, branded the decision "stupid".



https://www.gazettelive.co.uk/news/teesside-news/fury-after-morrisons-wouldnt-sell-14533827

BlodwynPig

Fury! Branded!

They missed out this bit- "local pie watch service PIEWATCH SLAMMED the decision saying 'this is a disgrace in the face of decency and pie'"

Ferris

That article is amazing, going to nick the subhead for the desolation thread.

BlodwynPig

QuoteIt should have been a simple case of pie and sell.

This is what journalism has been reduced to.

BlodwynPig

Brilliant comment underneath

QuoteShould have tried our local pi shop, it almost never closes. It's [open] 22/7.

imitationleather

Quote from: BlodwynPig on April 15, 2018, 07:11:28 PM
Brilliant comment underneath

Superb. An altogether better class of comment in the Teesside Gazette.

Stoneage Dinosaurs

Boring bastard has a stupid whinge

https://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/news/cambridge-news/coffin-milton-road-abandoned-cafe-14795079

Quote
Horrified onlooker says funeral home staff abandoned coffin to have a fry-up

HORRIFIED

Quote
Funeral staff have sparked outrage after they appeared to abandon a coffin in a hearse and go into a cafe for food.

The three men were wearing full funeral suits as they headed into a café on Milton Road after parking up the hearse, an eyewitness has said.

The horrified onlooker blasted the funeral home staff as "evil" and "disrespectful" when he saw it unfold on Friday (June 15).

He said: "I found it totally disgusting, if that was my mum or my sister I'd be outraged.

"Unfortunately they were clever enough to hide their little badge saying which funeral director it was.

"I think that's evil."

EVIL

Well I think you're a tit pal. Imagine, paid workers taking a break to go and have lunch for a bit, mental.

QuoteHe added: "They left somebody's mum or auntie parked up in a lay by in 22 or 23 degree heat, while they go off to have a fry-up. That's totally disrespectful if you ask me.

TOTALLY DISRESPECTFUL

I honestly don't think they give a shit mate, dead people typically have no preference for temperature

Quote"I pulled up as the three gentlemen were walking from the car.

"They are all in full funeral gear, full black and white. They walked away from the car and went into the cafe."

Pictures show the hearse parked at the side of the road with a coffin surrounded by flowers in the back.

"Somebody's mum or sister is on their final journey to their resting place, and they have been left in a lay by while three men go and have a fry up."

I hate this boring man so much. I hope he gets left on the M11 hard shoulder when he's hearse-bound while the funeral people fuck off to Alton Towers for 3 months. Then he'll have something to complain about. Although he probably won't actually, due to being dead.

Famous Mortimer

Quote from: Special K on April 15, 2018, 06:34:19 PM
Fury after Morrisons wouldn't sell couple meat pies before 9am

The meat pies were within sniffing distance - but staff told Linda and Tony Gilkes at 8.45am they could not be sold for another 15 minutes. Husband Tony, who eats fish and chips three days a week and rarely touches pastry, branded the decision "stupid".



https://www.gazettelive.co.uk/news/teesside-news/fury-after-morrisons-wouldnt-sell-14533827
YOU PAIR OF TWATS

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW

IS YOUR LIFE COMPLETE NOW YOU HAVE A PHOTO OF YOURSELVES HOLDING A PASTY OUTSIDE A MORRISONS

FUCK OFF FOREVER


monkfromhavana


Steven

Quote from: monkfromhavana on June 19, 2018, 10:42:32 AM
"rarely touches pastry"

Except when he's posing for photograph after photograph standing outside Morrison's with an arse-slap of a face holding the fucking thing like it's a Fabergé egg.

BlodwynPig

Quote from: Steven on June 19, 2018, 10:58:13 AM
Except when he's posing for photograph after photograph standing outside Morrison's with an arse-slap of a face holding the fucking thing like it's Farage's egg.

FTFY

Icehaven

Quote from: Angrew Lloyg Wegger on June 17, 2018, 05:54:10 PM
Boring bastard has a stupid whinge

https://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/news/cambridge-news/coffin-milton-road-abandoned-cafe-14795079


Why does he keep going on about his Mum and Sister? If I was them I'd be worried that as soon as he sees a coffin he thinks ''What if my Mum or sister were in there?''

In fact looking at the photos how does he even know it's a woman at all? And what was he doing following the hearse anyway? I think there's a whole other story here.

Cursus

Mystery Devon penis painter could face prosecution, warns prickly council

https://www.devonlive.com/news/devon-news/mystery-devon-penis-painter-could-1809390



QuoteResidents at Westaway Plain, Barnstaple, have dubbed a bizarre phallic daubing on their road the "Pilton Penis".

The naughty graffiti was believed to be more than three weeks old before it was scrubbed off by council staff this afternoon.

It had been joined by at least one more nearby.

It's not known if the "tarmac todgers" are the work of a single person or a group of people.

Glebe


Drunk whacked penis on women's car then did poo in street - as they sat and ate chips

The women were enjoying a day out in Redcar when John Henson, 44, began his bizarre campaign of lewd behaviour

A drunk continually whacked his penis against a car and then did a poo on the floor - as the women inside the vehicle ate their chips. John Henson had been on a marathon drinking session when he ruined the women's seaside trip to Redcar. Without warning, he opened his trousers and began whacking his genitals against the car door, Teesside Magistrates' Court heard. The driver called the man a "dirty b*****d" and threw some chips towards him, shut her window and then screamed for her mum, a passenger in the car, to do the same.

Prosecutor Rachael Dodsworth said Henson, 44, "continued to wiggle his penis around, then tried to get in the car through the window". Panicked, the women shouted for Henson to go away and tried to move the car - parked off Central Terrace, near Redcar's clock tower - but they were blocked in. At this point he dropped his trousers, turned and bent forward, and did a poo in the street near the car. The bizarre series of events unfolded at around midday on June 29 close to Henson's home at Henson Mews, Redcar. The court also heard Henson shouted obscene sexual remarks at the women, before he was eventually calmed down. The women - not from the area - said they used to enjoy coming to Redcar for fish and chips, but their idyllic day out was sullied.

In a statement read to the court, one of the victims said: "It was obscene and disgusting. I normally go to Redcar with my grandchildren but I was so glad I didn't bring them this time. "The dirty b****r put me off going to Redcar, and it put me off my dinner." Another witness said: "This was an embarrassment for the town of Redcar." A probation report prepared about Henson said he had been to a nightclub until 4.30am that morning, carried on drinking alone until 8am and had took cocaine, before going to a friend's house. "He is disgusted with himself," a probation worker told the court on Tuesday. "He says he had a difficult childhood, growing up in Guisborough. He says when he drinks he drinks heavily."

John Nixon, mitigating, said Henson had been an alcoholic since he was 22 and also mentioned a difficult childhood. He said he fully admitted his crimes and showed remorse. District Judge Kristina Harrison said: "I am sure having heard all of that, you realise how unpleasant your behaviour was towards these women. "They found it extremely distressing - and can you blame them?" He was given an 18 month community order with six months supervision, and 25 rehabilitation activity days. Henson, who pleaded guilty to indecent exposure and being drunk and disorderly, was also ordered to pay the three women in the car - as well as the by-passer - £100 in compensation.

https://www.gazettelive.co.uk/news/teesside-news/drunk-whacked-penis-womens-car-14982844

Man loses pants outside strip club, soils himself - then tries to go to next pub

Police were called after hapless man makes a bit of a mess in Redcar. A pants-less reveller soiled himself outside a strip club in broad daylight.Stunned shopkeepers watched as the man - who was also missing his shoes - stumbled around Redcar High Street displaying his nether regions. The scenes unfolded outside Angels lap dancing bar, as well as a funeral director, on Friday afternoon. "The guy was inebriated, with no trousers and covered in muck," said Homestarters furniture boss James Kelly. "He fell over in the middle of the road, but managed to find his feet as he chicken danced his way to the other side. "He was happily on his way to the next pub, but managed to get a good bump on his head before two brave souls talked him to sit down outside the solicitors."That's when Cleveland Police turned up, as some equally brave police officers loaded him in the back of a van.

The man was seen on Redcar High Street. A force spokeswoman confirmed that the man had soiled himself when officers arrived and due to his bump, called an ambulance. "The ambulance crew assessed him but his wounds were superficial so after being checked over he was allowed to return home," she said, adding no arrest was made.

However questions still remain - including where his pants ended up. But James added: "They must have jet washed the van."

https://www.gazettelive.co.uk/news/teesside-news/man-loses-pants-outside-strip-13589563

BlodwynPig


Chriddof

Why does Redcar have a lap-dancing bar near a funeral director's?