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Earth Shattering Local News

Started by Blumf, June 23, 2011, 04:34:22 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

BlodwynPig

Quote from: Chriddof on August 03, 2018, 12:45:26 AM
Why does Redcar have a lap-dancing bar near a funeral director's?

Cut out the middle-man

Bogbrainedmurphy

"going out tops"


http://www.theboltonnews.co.uk/news/16390222.clothing-pinched-from-washing-line-in-radcliffe/


That last line though (once you navigate round the MILLIONS of adverts) It has been resolved anyway. So, fuck it.

jobotic

Quote from: icehaven on June 19, 2018, 02:08:30 PM
Why does he keep going on about his Mum and Sister? If I was them I'd be worried that as soon as he sees a coffin he thinks ''What if my Mum or sister were in there?''

In fact looking at the photos how does he even know it's a woman at all? And what was he doing following the hearse anyway? I think there's a whole other story here.

They're in the freezer in his cupboard under the stairs and he's deciding which funeral director's to use when the deaths become known. He won't be using an EVIL one, that's for sure!

Alberon

Timmy Mallett has had his bike stolen.

QuoteSocial media users are rallying round TV personality Timmy Mallett to help find his missing bike.

The star recently celebrated completing a 2,500-mile charity ride across Europe in memory of his late brother Martin.

Mallett, 62, was drinking with friends on Friday when the bike was apparently taken from a pub in Cookham, Berkshire.

He told the Press Association it would be "the loveliest thing" if the bike could be returned on Wednesday, which would have been Martin's 65th birthday.



QuoteThe former Wide Awake Club presenter is offering a "substantial reward" for the Giant E bike's return.

He said: "The irony is so awful. You can take it all over the world, and yet at home it was not safe at the local village, in the lovely local pub.

"I'm heartbroken," he continued. "It's more than just a bike to me. This bike I've cycled with 2,500 miles, halfway across Europe.

"I left in the depths of winter and it took two months. I was on my own and my bike was my best pal along the way, the only thing I could absolutely rely on. I'm devastated to lose something so special."

Thames Valley Police have tweeted to say they are "on the case", while hundreds of Twitter users have offered to help the star.

"I'm not looking for retribution," Mallett said. "I don't know the circumstances of the people who took it. I'm appealing to somebody's good nature to do the right thing.

"Every day on the pilgrimage you are vulnerable because you wake up each morning not knowing where you are going to stay the night, who you are going to meet, what is going to happen, and you are on your own, and every day the bike delivered.

"There's a possibility that someone who knows where the bike is has enjoyed my TV shows over the years and would like to reunite me with it."

So which one of you bastards has it? Look, he had to put up with a photocall with Theresa May so he deserves to have it back.



https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-45096400

Shit is going down on the front page of the Brighton Argus tonight. Imagine stealing a salt shaker from a chippy? Bring back hanging I say


http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/16683899.watch-man-caught-on-cctv-when-salt-was-taken-from-brighton-chippy/?ref=mr&lp=1

BlodwynPig

Bbc yorkshire today

Quote
Specs help birdwatchers who can't wink!
A volunteer at Bempton Cliffs in East Yorkshire has come up with an innovative solution, after finding that many people struggled to close one eye to look through a telescope.

Ian Crossley has been helping out at the RSPB nature reserve, but says some people, especially children, close the wrong eye or both eyes when trying to look through the lens.

As a solution he thought about creating something like a pirate eye-patch with a pair of glasses.


Quote
'Unusual slug' sparks 999 call to police
A woman from South Yorkshire called 999 to report "an unusual slug in her garden", according to police.

Quote
Ferret and baby found abandoned in Hull
A ferret and her six-week-old baby have been found dumped in a box in Hull.


BlodwynPig

Quote from: confettiinmyhair on September 05, 2018, 04:45:29 PM
Anyone else notice a trend in local newspapers succumbing to click bait opinion pieces
http://www.edp24.co.uk/features/norwich-too-many-fat-people-rachel-moore-1-5681464

As published by Liz Jones circa 2009 in the Daily Mail.

boki


BlodwynPig


Phil_A

http://www.ipswichstar.co.uk/news/nursery-rhyme-near-a12-scaring-residents-1-5690152

QuoteA tormented mother living in Bramford Road with her two young children has been woken on an almost nightly basis by a tinny, distant rendition of 'It's Raining, It's Pouring'.

QuoteA spokesman from the site said: "The sound is only supposed to act as a deterrent for opportunistic thieves that come onto our property, and it's designed only to be heard by people on our private land.

"We are now aware of the problem - the motion sensors were being triggered by spiders crawling across the lenses of our cameras and it looks like we've had it turned up too loudly."

Brighton Argus once again are on the cutting edge of news:

https://www.theargus.co.uk/news/16890960.pensioners-sausage-rolls-anger-at-portslade-aldi/?ref=mr&lp=1



QuoteA PENSIONER who eats ten sausage rolls a day was horrified to find that his packet only had nine.

Ferris

Quote from: Nice Relaxing Poo on September 20, 2018, 04:34:13 PM
Brighton Argus once again are on the cutting edge of news:

https://www.theargus.co.uk/news/16890960.pensioners-sausage-rolls-anger-at-portslade-aldi/?ref=mr&lp=1

This is terrific. Imagine the back story - "mmm delicious! Now to have my tenth... wait? What?! Oh no! Quick Margaret, call the Argus!"

That, and the fact that the story is unverifiable by its very nature. This empty packet didn't contain what I expected. Add in the requisite "unhappy man holding something" (which is a required staple for local news), and it's a perfect little story. Marvellous.


Ferris

"I know what you're thinking - did I eat 10 sausage rolls, or only 9? In all the excitement, I kinda forgot myself. So you gotta ask yourself one question; do I feel lucky? Well do ya, punk Tescos?"


Captain Z

The Torys are something our such-and-such

boki


Icehaven

Penguin shortage leads to Telford zoo using models of penguins instead.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-shropshire-45712690

The TV news article on this yesterday was great, the presenter basically taking the piss sitting by a model talking to it, the zoo owner looking every bit like someone suddenly realising getting his zoo on TV might not necessarily be good publicity after all, and some customers saying their kids didn't seem to notice they weren't real so they didn't really care. Future of zoos.

AsparagusTrevor



Blumf

'Tub of butter'? Mate, you've been had, that's margarine!


gilbertharding



Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: gilbertharding on November 07, 2018, 03:38:59 PM
Blokes that shape really shouldn't wear checks.

He looks like my mate Scott if he'd been inflated a bit.

Also very mild lol at Officer Tibble.

purlieu

Reporter from Kent Live tries out a sensory deprivation tank: https://www.kentlive.news/news/kent-news/how-feels-lose-your-senses-2199600

So far, so dull. Then we get to this bit:

QuoteThe closest comparison I can think of is a dream I once had where I was a seal. It felt something like that.

JamesTC

Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on September 21, 2018, 01:32:27 PM
That, and the fact that the story is unverifiable by its very nature. This empty packet didn't contain what I expected.

He took a before picture. The dates match up so I currently have no reason to doubt the veracity of Mr Francis' claims.



I have to question the journalistic integrity of The Argus with this story. They outrageously claim that Tony Francis eats 10 sausage rolls a day. Not only are they snack sized sausage rolls but he merely claims himself that they are "a regular purchase". I would posit that if he eats 10 (snack size) sausage rolls per day that it would be described in a more exuberant way by Mr Francis.

Alberon

"The lights were flashing and it is so in your face, you cannot help staring at it."



Probably students, the paper reckons.

https://www.readingchronicle.co.uk/news/17271995.the-display-appeared-on-the-front-of-a-home-on-erleigh-road/

Drug user repeatedly smacked his penis off shop counter before laughing as he left the store

Joanne Hesse, prosecuting, said that on January 20, last year, Mohan had gone into the Lifestyle Express store in Hartlepool at 9am and approached the shop owner. "He exposed his genitals and started playing with himself", she said. He then placed his penis on the counter and banged it against it several times. He then laughed and left the store.

https://www.gazettelive.co.uk/news/teesside-news/drug-user-repeatedly-smacked-penis-15683836