Chris Morris is a wanker pt.2

[astrozombie]

A few months ago I posted a thread telling of my AWFUL meeting with Mr. Morris at a 'Four Lions' Q&A.

http://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=28319.0


Assuming you all just read that, I will continue.

Yesterday I was walking to my local shop to buy some milk. I was listening to U2 on my iPod, jamming on my air guitar as I strolled down the street. Passersby were all looking at me all with a similar expression, probably thinking about how trendy I looked.

Then I saw this black stretched limo cruising down the street. I'd never seen a black stretched limo at 10am before so I stared. It pulled up next to me, I could hear that song by Prefab Sprout playing on the inside. The back door swung open it was Chris Morris, stood stony faced wearing an expensive looking Italian suit. I was nervous, a lump swelled in my throat, the other back door opened and rushing around the car was Armando Iannucci clutching onto a basket of rose petals he threw then onto the ground in front of Morris creating his path. I was several yards away, I thought this was a little silly but then remembered he was a satirist. Morris then looked at me and said "I want the shoe", Iannucci had his arms crossed nodding with his eyes gently closed. Snapping fingers "STOP STARING AT HIM! Where's my shoe? I wore that while I was writing 'Brass Eye'". I stammered not knowing what to say as I sold the shoe to some man named Neil days after I posted the thread. "He hasn't got it Chris" chirped in Armando, "Don't worry, I'll get the camera". Armando walked over to the boot and lifted out some filming equipment. Morris was pointing a small 2.2 handgun at me. Armando with a camera set up walked over and handed Morris a microphone.
"What do you think about this elephant with it's trunk stuck up it's arse?" asked Morris.
"What?" I replied,
"The elephant with it's trunk stuck up it's sphincter"
"Like in 'Brass Eye'?"
The gun barrel pressed into my gullet. "Say that you think it's sad!"
"I think it's sad."
Good now hold up this sign. Morris clicked his fingers and Iannucci handed me a cardboard sign with AAAAAS written on it in felt tip pen. "Hold that up and say 'Help the elephant!" I did so. Then Morris put the gun away and snatched the sign from me, Iannucci and him turned back to the car and jumped in as they did this I heard Iannucci ask "Will I still get an additional material credit?", "Yes if you don't speak until we get home!" ordered Morris. They drove away.

Two days later I was a youtube 'deleted scenes' clip.

[samadriel]

Shite.

[Cohaagen]

Morris was pointing a small 2.2 handgun at me

A "2.2" handgun wouldn't be "small", it'd be enormous. Like a hand-held Bofors or something.

The sources are out there, you have no excuse. A real writer always gets the guns right.

Did Not Do The Research and CRAP.

[I accept the terms of the]

This was as good as part 1.

[CaledonianGonzo]

There is a common 'wanker' element in these anecdotes.

[NaCl]

next time you're assaulted by a limo passenger and his guido-gael assistant, just make it a point to mock his facial scarring.

[madhair60]

When my dad was diagnosed with diabetes, I was quite distraught at what this could mean for someone of his dietary unsubtlety, and made my way along Shaftesbury Avenues towards Forbidden Planet, hoping that a big read of The Boys would cheer me up.  En route, my head hung low, I accidentally clipped someone's shoulder.  I looked up, hurriedly brushing the tears from my eyes, and apologised.  Who should be staring back at me, expression dripping with raw contempt, but Chris Morris.  He leaned in and grabbed my upper arm, whispering to me fiercely, spraying violent spittle into my earhole.

"What the fuck are you playing at, you fucking faggot?"

"I, I'm sorry Mr Morris... it's just, I'm sorry, I was distracted Sir." I stammered.

He slapped me, hard.  The bruise remains to this day.

"Distracted?  How about fucking dissected?"

There was a glimmer of light on cold steel, a flash of movement, and instantly I became aware of a sharp pain digging into my back, Chris' other arm wrapped around, pressing the knife in gently, his eyes cold, unblinking.  Murderous.

"It's my dad, Mr Morris... he's got diabetes."

I wept, yowling slightly as Chris twisted the tip of the knife, growling his hate-fuelled words.

"Fuck your dad."

He threw me to the ground and left me there crying, the wound from the knife deep enough to draw blood, but not to cause significant harm.  It was a warning.  I know that now.

[CaledonianGonzo]

I was at boarding school with Chris Morris and the rotter flushed my cap down the toilets when I wouldn't let him copy my prep.

[BlodwynPig]

I used to work on a local student rag in the 90's called "The Student Echo". It was just before TDT went live and I had heard mutterings on the underground comedy scene that the show was set to break all barriers twixt news and comedy.

i thought it might be a hoot to try and get Chris to give an interview for the Echo, as I assumed the student population would be the niche market for this type of humour - having heard his earlier radio work. Indeed I was briefly President of the Chris Morris fanclub - membership of 3 (the other's just didn't get it, man).

Excitedly I received a Fax from the man himself saying he would gladly do a 15 minute interview if we paid travel and food. i couldn't believe my luck and set about planning the piece.

We met in Sheffield, somewhat equidistant from our respective dwellings and he arrived dead on time at the 197 Club, looking dishevelled and sullen. He was already pissed and greeted me with a grunt and a snarl.

After ordering a lager with a brandy chaser he ushered me over to a corner of the room, dark and moist - the corner was even less welcoming.

I began by asking him about his upcoming foray into television and the different challenges it must bring when compared to radio. He smirked and rasped "John Stapleton, fucking John Stapleton". i asked him what he meant? "Give me Kilroy any day, but Stapleton!"

He then revealed that Stapleton had been asked to play the part of the lead news anchor in TDT show, but had rejected the offer as he wanted to wear a beige suit, whereas Morris was quite insistent on black, or dark blue at a stretch.

Grasping my balls he looked me in the eye and said "I like you - be in my series - i've got a good part for you - nonce!". With that he skulked out of the bar an into a drizzle that looked like a downpour and the end of days.