Is Chris Morris a wanker?

[astrozombie]

Scrolling through here you may find some incredibly lame troll-posts by myself, describing inane fictitious stories about run-in's with Morris and myself.

I was reading through the posts on the Chris Morris section on CaB and was blown away by the love the man has here. If Morris walked into a pub full of CaB users, he'd have a pint from everyone and would get leered at in the lav.

As said, I posted some faux accounts of meetings with a villainous version of Chris Morris. This was based upon a friend of mine who went to a 'Four Lions' Q&A in London. He got his 'Brass Eye' DVD signed and Morris wrote what looked like 'Pleb' on the inside, it may have said 'Pev' though. If it did say 'Pleb', I can't help but think of that as a pretty shit thing to do to a fan. But I'm not a cult icon so what do I know, eh?

So basically what this bunch of words I just typed up is getting towards is. Who here has met Chris Morris? What was he like? Was he nice? Was he an arsehole? etc.

I've never met him but since seeing that autograph and seeing some 'Four Lions' interviews (I loved 'Four Lions' by the way) I get a real 'I bet he's a cunt' vibe from him. I just get this feeling Morris in real life is a really smug arrogant twat. I also have this idea that he doesn't do interviews and keeps himself mysterious so he can come onto forum sites such as CaB, read posts such as this and really give his ego a strong vigorous handjob.

So come on. Whose met him? What's he like? Spill dirt. Come on!

[Depressed Beyond Tables]

Stop creating these threads about Chris Morris. Nobody cares.

[BlodwynPig]

Yeh, no-one cares about Chris Morris on a Chris Morris website...

[astrozombie]

Stop creating these threads about Chris Morris. Nobody cares.

This isn't one of those threads though. I admit there has been some Morris bashing in my first post, but I was just trying to liven things up.

Also, just like the guy said above me. I guess it was wrong of me to post something about Chris Morris, on a Chris Morris website on the Chris Morris section. Silly me.

But come on any juicy Morris stories? Someone give me an assault SOMETHING!

[alan nagsworth]

yeah i met him once. he was a fucking pleb and i told him so. ever since then he's been going about calling other people plebs for no reason other than because he's a bitter and jaded old fruit. he stopped doing it around the time four lions came about though so when he called your mate a pleb i guess he really meant it, so your mate must be a right fucking pleb.

[Nobody Soup]

I met him once, he was wanking. nice chap though, very apologetic.

[BlodwynPig]

Very nice chap, signed my copy of "just like you and me" and Animal Magic VHS, and did the parrot voice. shame he's gone now.

[placeholder]

• Sometimes dresses up as the news presenter for his wife.
• Still uses the wasp phone from Nathan Barley.
• Owns a holiday cottage in The Lakes with a Quantel machine. Seldom uses either.
• Not his real hair.

[Depressed Beyond Tables]

I've no interest in meeting Chris Morris, or Roger Cook for that matter. I'm only here for the Whitehall.

[Neil]

My distinctly underwhelming encounter with him should be outlined here.

[Dyl Spinks]

I met Bruce Springsteen once and Claudio Caniggia twice.

[Pepotamo1985]

When I met Chris Morris on Oxford Street he looked like he'd spent the morning kicking puppies in their stupid fucking faces. Quite probably a wanker.

[The Boston Crab]

The other day I met Sonic Boom out of Spacemen 3.

He was a great guy.

[Glebe]

Chris Marris is a gaey

[NaCl]

i met Chris Morris in Baltimore after doggedly following his scent around that pit of a city. i saw him skulking out of one of the many five star hotels in the waterfront district, opening a door pitifully for Ianucci as the italian-scotsman forced himself into the back of a cab which was obviously larger than the small man was used to. Morris headed down the street, and i followed him. he seemed to be just going for a walk, and jolly about it too, because he found himself in Omar's hood not much later and didn't seem to notice how he'd gotten there, where I got the chance to take him down in an alleyway with a perfectly executed tackle maneuver in the midst of his bewilderment.

"hey! piss off you coc-" he managed to blurt out before i rammed a newspaper into his loud, scarred face. he was giving me a fight. so i grabbed a few strands of his hair, one of his shoes and in an attempt to perform an astounding wedgie on the man obtained the tags from his boxers. i fled down the alleyway before he could catch sight of me. best day.

[JoshIAm]

I've not met the guy but after reading Disgusting Bliss: The Brass Eye Of Chris Morris, I get the impression he's a nice bloke.

[bomb_dog]

Met him in Cheltenham Lit festival a few years ago, he was working on Four Lions. He signed my show ticket, and whilst hanging around outside afterwards for my brother to use the loo, walked past us again and wished us a good evening. Nice chap.

[Dark Sky]

'Met' him at the Four Lions preview in Nottingham.  After the Q&A he was happy to stay behind to chat to fans (despite his wife pleading with him several times to go).  I asked him some question about the IT Crowd and then had to stop myself from crying from nerves.  Then I asked him to sign my Brass Eye DVD and he grabbed it, said "cheers mate, I've always wanted a copy of this!" and pretended to walk off with it before signing it with "nick it" scrawled next to his name.  I get the feeling he dedicates the signatures with whatever he's been saying/doing at the time.

He seemed really sweet, anyway, if a bit nervous.  Not as nervous as me, though, my lip was trembling so much.  As far as I can tell, he seems like a good guy.

[Jumble Cashback]

Met him at a Four Lions preview in Bradford.  I think he was a little uncertain of me initially (I wasn't articulating myself massively well at first due to nerves), but once we got into conversation he was really nice and seemed genuinely chuffed when I gave him a copy of the satirical magazine I'd produced for my degree piece at uni.  He took plenty of time to talk to me even though event staff were trying to get him to move on to a different part of the building for, I dunno, press stuff I guess.  Extremely polite, considerate and enthusiastic.  Thoroughly nice chap.

[BlodwynPig]

Met him in a police station cell in Dunstable back in '02. Somehow he had managed to smuggle some lime jelly in with him and was kind enough to offer me a fistful before midnight. Due to overcrowding we were assigned the one cell and he was the right gentleman, curled up next to the bog whilst I had the bench and blanket. At about half two in the morning I awoke to see him arched over me, a strange expression on his face and hollow, hollow eyes. He was whispering some lullaby about Elves and Gestapo, but I was too terrified to recollect the details.

I cowered under the blanket, feeling him ever so close, but eventually fear must have knocked me out. I awoke the next morning to an empty cell, empty except for a lump of green colloid next to the toilet.

Don't know if it was the same Chris Morris, though?

[Piers Fletcher Dervish]

Chris Morris will be in Cologne, Germany on the 14th of March, discussing his movie. I'm very excited to meet him, and to hear what he's got to say!

[Used to be squarepusher]

I haven't posted on CaB since the 1990's. It was the nicest place in the world and I have no idea why I left. I think it was computer access.

In August 2000 I was doing a few weeks work as a runner at a design company in Soho, before I went to university. One sunny afternoon my friend who has got me the work called me from Broadwick Street and said something along the lines of, that bloke you love is sitting outside the cafe, he's got mega weird skin. I went a bit mental and begged every designer in the building to find something for me to do that involved going to Broadwick Street. Eventually a nice man decided that I could take some legal papers to a solicitor in Bloomsbury for him. He wouldn't normally have asked me to do this as it was a personal thing but he could see me bouncing on the spot. He also gave me a packet of cigarettes for some reason.

I wouldn't dream of doing this now but after a few moments standing outside the John Snow pub just staring at Morris and his late afternoon lunch partner I decided I would just go over and speak to him. I think he could see my teenage gangly shape looming so I didn't so much interrupt their conversation as mildly enter it when I shouldn't have. It turns out it was Graham Linehan.

I was really apologetic for just coming over to him but he was very nice. He said "I'm Chris" which I laughed out loud like a train going past because I was clearly fully aware of his name. He introduced Graham and I unintentionally said "yes, I know who you are" which has since amused me. I've never been one for signatures but I was very sure that I wanted him to smoke one of the aforementioned cigarettes. He said he had quit and for some reason my daft 18 year olds brain wouldn't accept this and I kept saying go on, have one, please!!! He eventually took one after conceding that he would probably start again in "mid winter". I didn't laugh at this at the time but that was my favourite part of the exchange.

It was all over in about a minute I walked to Bloomsbury and smoked the rest of the cigarettes. I remember that later that day I was travelling to Bristol with my then girlfriend and we saw the pop star kavanagh on Regent Street. I was drunk by this point and had to be restrained from begging him to have a cigarette as well.

I went to University, dropped out to go back to work in Soho for the next 8 years before I'd had enough of all of it. I saw Morris on numerous occasions in his cycling shorts or walking out of post production houses. I never had the innocent balls of youth to burst into his conversation ever again, which is probably for the best as I'm sure he wouldn't have been patient with me every time. But on that sunny Friday afternoon in August 2000 he was incredibly considerate of my gangly goofy countenance. I went to Q&A for Four Lions at The Ritzy in Brixton and one of my chums got his signature and he wrote something witty for them too.

Not sure what made me suddenly come on here today but it was nice to have that memory prompted.

[Neil]

Great to see you!  Noticed your name on the front page, and the above anecdote seals it.  Hello, squarepusher, old fruit.  I also remember Mary Anne Hobbs reading out the anecdote after one of the Breezeblock sessions.

[BlodwynPig]

the real Squarepusher?

here, have a cigarette...go on...

[Piers Fletcher Dervish]

I'm not his mega #1 fan, but it was a great experience to meet him and even chat a little after the movie screening. Very intelligent and thought-provoking individual, actually.

[princeps]

The man won't leave my poor sister alone.

[0nryo]

In my dream the other week, he was some sort marine biology specialist. He laughed heartily when a catfish the size of a car spat up on me and ruined my clothing.

[Michael Stranger]

I met him in New York and he was very nice, charming and affable. Was asking me loads of questions when I'd have thought it would be vice-versa and we even did some comedy photos, to the chagrin of the staff of the place.

[astrozombie]

Fuck it, I'm just going to own up to it. I know Chris Morris, I work with him.

Chris has an office in Croydon, it's where he writes and holds meetings. I work there as his cleaner. He's a nice enough guy really, really average down-to-earth bloke. He's always back and forth the South of France. The building is home to office rooms also of Iain Morris, Damon Beazley, Miranda Hart, Mark Gattiss and a few other producery people, so I'm always there, cleaning up their shit.

I remember when Chris was writing "Four Lions", Jesse Armstrong and Sam Bain were always round. Jesse and Sam I remember had a tendency to tease Chris and always hide stuff from him, i.e if he had a cup of tea, Sam or Jesse would hide it on the window sill so Chris would be searching for it. Chris is obsessed with his pens, nothing weird, just a bit of OCD over it. He always has this yellow pencil case on his desk filled with random assorted biro's and I remember Jesse and Sam who cottoned onto this repeatedly hid his pens around the office, this would get him really frustrated, I remember once Chris told them both to go home and I overheard, "Come back tomorrow when the pair of you have grown up. I've had this red biro for six years now and don't intend on losing it!".

One day however. Shit got real. Jesse and Sam were playing piggy in the middle with Chris. He was chasing them around whilst they threw his yellow pencil case back and forth to one another. This escalated toward the kitchen area where I and some of the reception girls were having lunch. We were all watching as this happened. Chris kept saying "Come on this isn't funny, give it back before the zip undoes and they go everywhere". Then Sam held the pencil case out of the window, he usually always takes the joke too far, Chris was begging and pleading "Sam please don't, don't do that, don't do that." Then he did it, Sam dropped the pencil case out of the window down onto the roof of a neighboring shop's roof.

This was it. Chris blew his fucking top off. He was shouting at the pair of them, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE! YOU TWATS! I AIN'T GIVING YOU CREDIT ON THE SCRIPT! I'M RE-WRITING EVERYTHING!" he then started to hyperventilate which then lead to Chris being taken home in an ambulance.

[Nuclear Optimism]

I met Chris Morris once, in a place when I was doing something. He was behaving a certain way, while going about his activities. It started off believably enough, but then it became increasingly wacky and whimsical and everyone laughed and laughed and laughed at the hilarious story.