Author Topic: Worst Christmas presents  (Read 4557 times)

Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #30 on: December 14, 2011, 01:47:24 AM »
Many years ago, my parents were sent a roll of sellotape, wrapped, from an elderly relative. It wasn't clear whether she had mistakenly wrapped the sellotape instead of the real present, or whether the sellotape was in fact intended to be the present. We will never know.

My best mate, bless him, has got me some spectacularly useless presents, including a giant novelty pencil(seriously, why? Apart from the initial vague amusement of "oh that mundane household item is somewhat larger than I had anticipated", it is utterly without purpose. It sits pointlessly in a corner to this day) and a dalek belt buckle, even though I never, ever wear belts.

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #31 on: December 14, 2011, 08:04:22 AM »
My boyfriend's great aunt bought everyone boxes of condoms last year because they were on offer at Boots. She's kinda lost it. These days they have to remind her every Monday that she's got to go to Memory Class.

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #32 on: December 14, 2011, 08:11:57 AM »
I repeat: My sister - who is supposed to know me - got me The Wicker Man remake.*


*I admit I felt deeply ashamed that my internal thoughts were so callous, ungrateful and not at all in the Christmas spirit. I never told her I didn't like it, though.

It is a supremely funny film though; I would think even moreso for a fan of the original?  No?

Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #33 on: December 14, 2011, 08:36:38 AM »
My dear ol' nan was always fond of palming off demented Christmas presents to me.. The worst, her last: a t-shirt with an artistic rendering of the wizard Merlin on the front, when I was about fifteen, just a few months before she was shovelled under. Having never shown any interest whatsoever in Arthurian legend to her or anyone else, there was no need. Never worn.

I no longer have it, probably binned, but it looked strikingly similar to the below picture, imprinted onto a black t-shirt -



And I think it was the year or year before she got me a Pavorotti CD.

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #34 on: December 14, 2011, 09:45:11 AM »
I once got Lisa Scott-Lee for Christmas. I had to smile politely which was difficult in front of the family as you can imagine, but not long after the present opening I was able discreetly usher her to the back garden where I shot her.

Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #35 on: December 14, 2011, 10:24:33 AM »
It is a supremely funny film though; I would think even moreso for a fan of the original?  No?

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #36 on: December 14, 2011, 10:54:07 AM »
A good friend of mine got me a Batman costume.  Which would have been cool if it wasn't sized for an 8-year old boy.
I'm not the biggest bloke in the world, but this was just silly.  What a waste of money.

She thought it was hillarious anyway.

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #37 on: December 14, 2011, 01:32:11 PM »
I once got the Lord of the Rings Theatrical Editions DVD boxset.  I already owned the Extended Editions.  Shameful ignorance.

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #38 on: December 14, 2011, 02:07:04 PM »
My brother and his wife are, without a shadow of a doubt, the worst Christmas present buyers I know. 

Last year, he got me a box of luxury coffee for my perculator from Whittons.  Two issues here - firstly, I don't own a perculator.  Secondly, coffee makes me ill and I can't drink the stuff, a fact anyone in my immediate family should already know.  And to cap it all off, I saw the very same item marked down to a ridiculously low price in a Whittons sale a week or so before actually getting the gift, therefore realised he was being a tight arse (he works on the Board of Directors for a bank in the city, so has fuck all excuse, but then again he's also the same person who would buy me a Cadbury's Creme Egg as a special "Easter gift" when I was younger).

Some years ago, he also bought me an FCUK matching T-shirt and baseball cap combination set.  I have only ever worn a baseball cap when I'm doing painting and decorating, so what the hell gave him the idea that this would be an appropriate gift, I've no idea.  I think I did actually use it to protect my head whilst decorating my bedroom in the end, so I suppose it ended up finding a use of sorts.

All his presents seem to be based on random logic, or picking up the first thing he sees when he walks in a shop.  He got me a Jamie Oliver soup-making recipe book and bowls one year, which isn't a terrible gift in fairness, but did seem to be based on nothing more than a whim.  And before now he's bought my Dad Father's Day gifts which are just the suggested low-price ones they put in the door of WH Smith or HMV, often involving Jeremy Clarkson who my Dad doesn't like.  I actually told him not to bother one year and give the money to charity instead and the bastard got offended!  I ask you.  I should be the offended one. 

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #39 on: December 14, 2011, 02:13:12 PM »
I once got the Lord of the Rings Theatrical Editions DVD boxset.  I already owned the Extended Editions.  Shameful ignorance.

Ah, but the shorter the better, you see.

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #40 on: December 14, 2011, 02:13:46 PM »
Many years ago, my parents were sent a roll of sellotape, wrapped, from an elderly relative. It wasn't clear whether she had mistakenly wrapped the sellotape instead of the real present, or whether the sellotape was in fact intended to be the present. We will never know.

Wow.  What was holding the wrapping paper together?

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #41 on: December 14, 2011, 02:17:50 PM »
My boyfriend's great aunt bought everyone boxes of condoms last year because they were on offer at Boots. She's kinda lost it.

There's a well known Karl Pilkington anecdote about this.  He bought his girlfriend a bumper box of condoms for one Christmas and Merchant asked "is she allowed to use them with anyone she wants?"  And Gervais referred to them as a "family-sized box of condoms" which is why I thought of it.

Your story is better, though.

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #42 on: December 14, 2011, 02:24:37 PM »
I can't for the moment particularly remember receiving especially bad presents myself, but I do have an extraordinary book called "Christmas Ideas for 1965" which has all manner of unfathomably poor gift ideas which you are supposed to make out of used milk cartons and things.  The text and pictures are so strange and complement one another wonderfully, but it was a very sincere book from Homes & Gardens I believe.  A typical example would be "If the man for whom you are making a gift appreciates interesting driftwood, he will be very pleased to receive the hand-finished Madonna and Child wall panel shown at right".  The picture would show two pieces of shipworm-eaten timber crossed over one another, with sanded areas supposedly representing faces, and then a frame around them.  I love the book so much I used it to create some Advent Calendar windows that I put up on youtube last year.

Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #43 on: December 14, 2011, 02:39:27 PM »
 I've been the bearer of some badduns but the worse gift I've had would undeniably be a wrapped can of stale Bulmer's, opened, with bits of puke in it. It wasn't Christmas but my birthday and the truly horrible thing about it was the fact that it had been beautifully wrapped.

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #44 on: December 14, 2011, 02:45:16 PM »
I've been the bearer of some badduns but the worse gift I've had would undeniably be a wrapped can of stale Bulmer's, opened, with bits of puke in it. It wasn't Christmas but my birthday and the truly horrible thing about it was the fact that it had been beautifully wrapped.

Were they trying to upset you?  That's really horrible.

How did they reseal the can opening?  Or was it just spilling everywhere?

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #45 on: December 14, 2011, 03:02:07 PM »
a wrapped can of stale Bulmer's, opened, with bits of puke in it. It wasn't Christmas but my birthday and the truly horrible thing about it was the fact that it had been beautifully wrapped.

You've reminded me about a fantastic birthday present I once got!

A few years ago, in the morning rush getting ready for work, I noticed a birthday parcel waiting on the doorstep.  It must have been there for a couple of days as it was hidden under a few other things.  I hurriedly stuffed in my bag so I could look at it properly at work.  I was fairly big and looked quite exciting.

I of course forgot all about it until I received a phonecall at midday from an over-excited friend, wondering if I'd opened his gift yet.  I subsequently opened the beautifully wrapped parcel to discover a large portion of rancid chips with a large sweaty doner kebab with extra chilli sauce.
It smelt (and looked) like deep-fried roadkill that has been buried for a few weeks and unearthed by a dog.
I immediately called back the friend, called him a dick and hung up.

Apparently two of my friends had been on a big night out that I couldn’t make, and when getting themselves some late-night drunken sustenance thought they’d get me some too.
Then to post it a few hundred miles.  The dicks.

So it's simultaneously the most disgusting and the sweetest present I've ever got.
« Last Edit: December 14, 2011, 03:59:14 PM by momatt »

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #46 on: December 14, 2011, 03:10:04 PM »
^ I'm doing that!

Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #47 on: December 14, 2011, 03:56:55 PM »
...It smelt (and looked) like deep-fried roadkill that has been buried for a few weeks and unearthed by a dog....

Yes, but what did it taste like?

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #48 on: December 14, 2011, 03:57:39 PM »
Once I..

got an arse

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #49 on: December 14, 2011, 04:38:53 PM »
I've been the bearer of some badduns but the worse gift I've had would undeniably be a wrapped can of stale Bulmer's, opened, with bits of puke in it. It wasn't Christmas but my birthday and the truly horrible thing about it was the fact that it had been beautifully wrapped.

Yes, needs more story. Was the giver suffering from mental illness?

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #50 on: December 14, 2011, 05:07:24 PM »
Every year my grandfather would give me Newbury Fruits. They're pensioners sweets - jellied washing up liquid in a sugary crust in a series of hues not found in nature. They're absolutely fucking disgusting. I'd get some for my birthday and some for christmas.



He'd make a big show of presenting them, telling everyone how much I loved the shitty, rubbery bastards. Which, of course, I didn't. Then he'd spend the afternoon sticking the vile things in his fat face while he got pissed watching the horse racing and singing sea shanties. He's fucking brown bread now.

Looking back on it, it was quite nice. Apart from the awful confectionary. While I'm not a great celebrator of christmas, I can think of worse ways to spend the day than in an alcoholic stupor singing about mermaids and watching people fall off horses. He was a gluttonous, deceitful man, my granddad, but an interesting chap. And if you can't use your own grandchildren as a beard to get your hands on your favourite jellied treats, then what's the use of having them?

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #51 on: December 14, 2011, 05:14:18 PM »
Wow.  What was holding the wrapping paper together?
A delightful carriage clock.

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #52 on: December 14, 2011, 05:54:11 PM »
Is anyone else inundated with shit "comedy" presents from loved ones, due to their love of the genre? Pretty much every fucking year I get some piece of tat masquerading under this high-larious banner, the absolute nadir being the Royle Family air-freshener spray I got when I was about 17. It had a picture of Ricky Tomlinson on it and there was a button on the lid that made a fart noise when pushed. A close second would be the Monty Python and the Holy Grail keyring from last year (which was too bloody enormous to be practical).

Oh, and another shit present was a book called Doctor Whom from my mother a few years back. Some kind of Who/Eats, Shoots and Leaves crossover, probably. I wouldn't know, I never opened the thing. I did have a look on Amazon Marketplace to see if I could rid myself of it that way, but the site was positively weighed down with copies of the fucker, all going for a penny.

My family are shit.

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #53 on: December 14, 2011, 07:22:43 PM »
Quote
He'd make a big show of presenting them, telling everyone how much I loved the shitty, rubbery bastards. Which, of course, I didn't. Then he'd spend the afternoon sticking the vile things in his fat face while he got pissed watching the horse racing and singing sea shanties. He's fucking brown bread now.

This sentence just had me breathless with laugher. Good one Doomy.

Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #54 on: December 23, 2011, 12:26:11 PM »
Not a Christmas present but I just received this email from a colleague...

Quote
and in the words of tiny Tim from the inhibitable Christmas Carol (Scrooge)

God Bless Everyone and keep safe

Yeah, cheers for that.

Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #55 on: December 23, 2011, 01:43:37 PM »
Oh God. This thread is one of the best in a long time.

The cigarette pocket and newbury fruits were the best, until that email.

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #56 on: December 23, 2011, 02:01:40 PM »
And if you can't use your own grandchildren as a beard to get your hands on your favourite jellied treats, then what's the use of having them?

Ha ha, I used to do the same to my aged mother. I got her a book on aircraft carriers once. She finally balked and called a halt to the deceit when I shelled out the best part of 30 quid on the hardback version of Keegan's The Price of Admiralty for her me.

Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #57 on: December 23, 2011, 02:24:47 PM »
[tag]Cohaagen mentions his 'aged mother'.[/tag]

And it makes me laugh every time.

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #58 on: December 23, 2011, 04:11:31 PM »
Is anyone else inundated with shit "comedy" presents from loved ones, due to their love of the genre? Pretty much every fucking year I get some piece of tat masquerading under this high-larious banner, the absolute nadir being the Royle Family air-freshener spray I got when I was about 17. It had a picture of Ricky Tomlinson on it and there was a button on the lid that made a fart noise when pushed. A close second would be the Monty Python and the Holy Grail keyring from last year (which was too bloody enormous to be practical)

Yeah, my love of The Simpsons back in the day saw me receive every bit of merchandising tat you could imagine, from t-shirts to socks, mouse mats to Monopoly, but the worst was a can of Simpsons deodorant that smelt even worse than the crap you get in 99p shops. Most of this was down to my Sister, and I finally told her a few years back that I really didn't like the show anymore and could she please stop, which she did. For one year. The year after she bought me a Simpsons mug, saying it was a tradition she just couldn't break.

This year I've got her Robert Dyas vouchers. That'll teach her.

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Re: Worst Christmas presents
« Reply #59 on: December 23, 2011, 05:19:18 PM »
The crappest present I ever bought was The Office DVD for my cousin, I think after the first series finished. He hated it - couldn't understand the humour, watched about 10 minutes, then bin.

Big fan of Life's Too Short now.

I also used to buy my mum Radox bath salts on Christmas eve.