Totally legit pop criticisms

[PaulTMA]

The lyric I've always had a problem with is in Robbie William's Strong

'I look like Kiss but without the make-up'

"And that's a good line to take it to the bridge".

No.  It isn't.

[Small Man Big Horse]

Katy Perry - How exactly do you make out to Radiohead? Is it even possible?

I was intimate with a lady whilst Radiohead played in the background. It wasn't planned, I just wanted to cover up the noises we'd no doubt make, being a considerate housemate and all that, and so just hit play on my stereo, unaware that OK Computer was in the cd player. I didn't really notice at first, but when No Surprises came on as I repetitively humped this poor lass, I realised what a terrible choice it had been. Fortunately at this point she faked her orgasm, so I faked mine, and we rolled over and went to sleep in each others arms, forever traumatised by the event.

[BlodwynPig]

Found this on dirtyyanksabroad.com forum:

There was this one guy, hands like weaners sucking at my titties. He played this goddamn awful muzak when we were about to get down and dirty. Raghead I think he called it. Sounded like grandpa's old John Deere when he drove over poor little Tommy back in '84. A squealing and a hollering. Oh my! i had the greatest orgasm just thinking about it. Son of a bitch faked his.

[The Masked Unit]

On NWA's "She Swallowed It", MC Ren claims, in reference to women performing fellatio, that "90% of the bitches today they love that shit". And while I doubt doubt that the figures are somewhere in that ball-park, I've always been curious as to what official statistics he consulted.

[Desi Dubs Dallas]

I was a miner
I was a docker
I was a railway man
Between the wars

Billy Bragg laments his futile audition attempts for the Village People

[doppelkorn]

In apparently unsuccessful charity single "Spirit of the Forest", the line

UP FROM THE CANOPY I CAN SEE/A THOUSAND CHAINSAWS COMIN' FOR ME

(sung by Chris Rea, Mr Mister and XTC) is WRONG. If you look up from the canopy of a rainforest you should see sky and the things contained therein. Unless the chainsaw wielders were arriving by aircraft, you will not see them.

[BlodwynPig]

In apparently unsuccessful charity single "Spirit of the Forest", the line

UP FROM THE CANOPY I CAN SEE/A THOUSAND CHAINSAWS COMIN' FOR ME

(sung by Chris Rea, Mr Mister and XTC) is WRONG. If you look up from the canopy of a rainforest you should see sky and the things contained therein. Unless the chainsaw wielders were arriving by aircraft, you will not see them.

Chris Rea is up a tree looking across the forest. OK, he may not see the chainsaws through the vegetation, but if there was a clearing (made by chainsaws), he might catch a glimpse. Unfortunately, as we all know, what he didn't in fact spot was the pack of frenzied baboons that took just 3 minutes to disassemble and devour the poor man.

[doppelkorn]

Chris Rea is up a tree looking across the forest. OK, he may not see the chainsaws through the vegetation, but if there was a clearing (made by chainsaws), he might catch a glimpse. Unfortunately, as we all know, what he didn't in fact spot was the pack of frenzied baboons that took just 3 minutes to disassemble and devour the poor man.

That fact's less impressive when you consider that Chris Rea's major limbs and organs have quick release fittings.

[Clatty McCutcheon]

Might as well get in the inevitable mention of 'Africa' by Toto -

"The wild dogs cry out in the night
As they grow restless longing for some solitary company
I know that I must do what's right
Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti"

[kngen]

am trying to think of a lead-in line that would rhyme with Masai Mara. Not easy, although invoking images of wild dogs looking for solitary company is hardly worth ignoring basic African geography for ...


Edit:
"The wild dogs cry out in the night
Their doggy teeth reflecting the moon like an ivory tiara
I know that I must do what's right
Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Masai Mara"

I'll have my Ivor Novello now please

[Clatty McCutcheon]

Not bad, but 'fraid it still contains the questionable simile of describing a mountain as being like another mountain on a different continent ('rises like Olympus')

[kngen]

My one refers to the camera company

[DocDaneeka]

"I've been to the year 3,000. Not much has changed, but they live underwater."

It takes a lot to shock Busted.

This is  a purposely humourous line! People's continual misunderstanding of this, shows a distinct lack of respect for Busted.

[non capisco]

People's continual misunderstanding of this, shows a distinct lack of respect for Busted.

Their line 'I messed my pants/As we flew over France' from 'Air Hostess' is a bravely confessional account of Ken from Busted's problems with IBS. Nothing purposefully humorous there.

[Beagle 2]

She's the kind of a girl that makes the News of the World
Yes you could say she was attractively built

Well I beg to differ John.

[Janie Jones]

Ha ha, good.

I was going to weigh in with Curtis Mayfield's Move On Up because the line 'Take nothing best than the second best' always struck me as sadly unaspirational and not in keeping with striving, ambitious tone of the song but on googling it, I see the lyric is written either as 'Take nothing less than the supreme best' or, 'Take nothing less, not even second best' ! 

The Doors 'Five To One' contains the line, 'Five to one baby, one in five/No-one here gets out alive'  Well, which is it?  One in five, which is a 20% chance or five to one, which is a 16.7% chance? 

I shouldn't start on New Order because it's like shooting fish in a barrel but 'Crystal' deserves a mention for '...love, it's like honey, you can't buy it with money...'  The Jams and Spreads aisle at Waitrose begs to differ, Bernard.

Carly Simons 'You're So Vain' has always distressed me because the entire song is written in the second person singular and is entirely about you so why does she seem to think she's scoring some sort of point by sneering, 'I bet you think this song is about you, don't you, don't you?'

[Clatty McCutcheon]

Stevie Nicks shows a striking lack of meteorological knowledge on 'Dreams' where she asserts that 'thunder only happens when it's raining'.

Totally ignorant of http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thundersnow

[doppelkorn]

Ken from Busted

do I know you in real life?

[Clatty McCutcheon]

Mansun - Being A Girl - "tax on cigarettes treats my cancer" - this is also patently untrue.

Never take health advice from post-Britpop indie also-rans.

[PaulTMA]

"Where are you now, broken up or still around?" wrote Nicky Wire of Paul Robeson in 2001.  Now, Nick, I'm sure you know this by now, but at the time of recording the song he had in fact been dead for 25 years.  Still being around would have made him an unlikely (though not impossible) 102 years old.

Apart from that, good opening line for a song called 'Let Robeson Sing', about Paul Robeson.

[I accept the terms of the]

I shouldn't start on New Order because it's like shooting fish in a barrel but 'Crystal' deserves a mention for '...love, it's like honey, you can't buy it with money...'  The Jams and Spreads aisle at Waitrose begs to differ, Bernard.

Shit lyric (but that's almost the point with New Order) but it doesn't mean "like honey, love cannot be purchased". It's two separate things. Love is like honey, also it cannot be purchased.

[Serge]

'Take nothing less than the supreme best'

Bloody hell, I'd always heard it as 'second best' and thought "Hmm, that's aiming a bit low, isn't it?" but having just given it a listen I can confirm that it is 'supreme best'. How wrong I was to ever doubt Curtis.

[Vodka Margarine]

"If you see a faded sign by the side of the road that says '15 miles to the love shack!'..... "

Well, what? What am I supposed to do?

[Eis Nein]

Diagnosis and treatment have improved over the last twenty years, remission commonplace. Still, I think there's a way to go before the fact that rhythm is a dancer is IN ANY WAY as serious as cancer.

[spanky]

If they say why, why
tell 'em that it's human nature
Why, why does he do me that way?

A chilling preview of things to come.

[PaulTMA]

Chumbawamba, 'How To Get On Television':

"Freddie Mercury, this is your life
Thank the Lord that you were born white"

Um

[Nobody Soup]

I may not always love you
but long as there are stars above you
you'll never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it

aaaw that's sweet, thanks bri... wait, you may not? so this is a promise to decieve me?

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

aaaw that's sweet, thanks bri... wait, you may not? so this is a promise to decieve me?

But as long as there are stars above her, the object of Brian's affections will be his without question. However, if an astronomical catastrophe should occur at some point in future, then she's yesterday's news as far as he's concerned.

[Black Ship]

Dear Lawrence,

Um Bongo is according to the jingle is drunk in The Congo, which isn't Rwanda although it does border that country. Zulus come from South Africa, half a continent away from both Rwanda and The Congo and as for one rocking with an alligator, not possible as they are only indigenous to China and the USA.

[spanky]

With your clothes on backwards and disappearing almost as soon as you arrived, I WILL compare you to a bad little fad. Fuck you, Kriss Kross.