Main Menu

Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Support CaB

Recent

Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

March 29, 2024, 09:15:22 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Girls and Me

Started by butnut, February 09, 2004, 01:01:19 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

butnut

There haven't been enough, good old-fashioned threads about this kind of thing on our spanking new board, so I'm going to get the balls rolling, as it were.

A few of you might remember from the bomb'd shelter, my joyous proclaimation of singlehood, and how great it was, and how I'm not drinking. You might also remember that I said that I hardly knew or met any single girls.

Anyway, I'm still single, but didn't do so well on the not-drinking front. I went, with 2 friends, to a party on Saturday. Now, this was the kind of party where I sort of knew a couple of the host, but they're the kind of people I see twice a year. Friends, but not my closest by a long stretch.

So, we get to the party, and it turns out that there's about 5 females to every male at this place. Wow, I hear you cry, surely this is paradise for a happy-go-lucky single guy in his mid-20s. Especially one who goes onto chatrooms and says 'where are all the single girls?' Well, on Saturday, they were at this party.

So, what do I do? I spend the entire evening talking to my 2 friends (who are are one of these sort-of-a-couple-but-not-really types) and make absolutely no effort at all to talk to any of the large selection of apparently good-looking single girls at the party.

Now, why is this? One reason is that is was only when I woke up on Sunday, that I realised what a great oppourtunity had been presented to me, and how I'd completely pissed all over it. Another, is that I'm scared that people will think of me being sleazy. I know this is ridiculous, as anyone looking on will no doubt think that I'm being 'friendly'.

Basically, I think that I'm quite shy about speaking to girls I don't know, and hopefully this confession will help change that. The 2 long-term relationships I've had, have both been with girls who I've known for ages before-hand - so I'm not exactly mr one-night-stand who picks up unknown ladies with his ready wit.

Thanks for reading this rubbish - but now it's your turn. Has anyone here had golden oppourtunites that they've completely fucked up, and are there any other fellas who are a bit shy? And ladies, is it as hard for you? Do you approach men or do you sit back and wait?

Jet Set Willy

Yeah well I'm in the same boat and I haven't ever had a long-term relationship. But it's not such a big deal for me really.

One night though recently I got very angry with myself for failing to talk to a nice looking girl who I know was looking at me lustfully.

23 Daves

Well it's been well over a year now since I last had cause to do it, but I tend to find that a bit of drink, a shared smile, and 'accidentally' crowbarring your way into the object of your affection's conversation goes a long way.  You just have to make your presence felt, really, even if you do so by hovering around the drinks when they are and making some vague passing comment, talking initially to their friends (which tends to get their curiousity and envy going, I strangely find), etc.  I find this harder in nightclubs where the music is throbbing than I do at parties, though.  If all the lady has to go on is my impressive 'dance moves' then I'm fucked.

The way I used to approach it is to act is if it's just a casual conversation and not necessarily a big deal.  This is really hard if you've got so much lust for someone that you feel as if you may have a heart-attack at any second, though.

Ladies are getting quite good at making their feelings known these days though - brushing past you slightly-too-hard, dropping in comments, even using chat-up lines - all these are things I've known in the last few years.

For all this talk, though, I have to say that all my 'proper' relationships (ie not just a shag or a few nights on the town) have stemmed from friendships initially, and I think that's true of most people I know.  And no, I don't know why.

Matthias

Lack of confidence and no faith in your self-image. Fear of rejection. Abandon these fears mate.

Women are just human. Chat to them and they will chat back. Just be yourself. Be confident, but don't have any expectations. Just relax and go with the flow.

Don't worry yourself with chat-up lines or subject matters. Just show an interest in the girl you're talking to. Ask her about herself. Talk about yourself sparingly.

That really is all there is to it. Be genuine and you will succeed.

elderford

Best advice I have ever received, which was about beginning martial arts, but is transferable to any situation.

I was concerned that I would embarrass myself as a novice infront of everyone else who, I assumed. would be reasonably expert.

My friends advice: Don't worry about making a cunt of yourself.

The full version is not because you never will, but that it is okay to, because everybody does.

You are not the first person to ever encounter a situation, many thousands of people have experienced what you are fretting about.

...and if you don't put yourself forward for new experiences, you may well find yourself regreting not trying.

Surely, it is better for someone who you don't know or value as an individual to consider you a bit of a cunt (which they probably won't) by going over and introducing yourself,  than to stand around fretting about what they might think of you if you were actually to try and talk to them.

You won't meet fascinating/helpful/interesting people if you wait for someone to approach you first. Okay so they may be less than interesting, but may still want sex from you.

Frinky

Quote from: "23 Daves"and 'accidentally' crowbarring your way into the object of your affection

Not to be taken literally, I assume. (Or out of context, like I just did, for a cheap joke)

QuoteThis is really hard if you've got so much lust for someone that you feel as if you may have a heart-attack at any second, though.

Yeah, I find that it's a great deal easier to talk to a girl I don't know (well, by my clam-mouthed standards) than one that I do like. I do find that asking the girl as much about them as possible, and even pretending to be slightly stupid on a subject to get  them to further elaborate seems to work. Obviously there are aveues of questioning you shouldn't go down, but that's common sense. And if you're like me, taught from experience.

QuoteFor all this talk, though, I have to say that all my 'proper' relationships (ie not just a shag or a few nights on the town) have stemmed from friendships initially, and I think that's true of most people I know.  And no, I don't know why.

Same for me, and I think the simple answer is that you know what you're getting and you (think you) can see that there's less chance of it going nipples-skyward.

Edit: Why can't I speel?

5:09am

I used to be a bit shy talking to girls before I realised that a complete 'fuck it, what's the worst that can happen' attitude will invariably end up in success. The whole 'doesn't give a shit, smoking in the corner' attitude (which I had down pat) only works if you're Johnny Depp, so if you're a somewhat lesser mortal, I find that some degree of effort is required.

Being a bit of a sleazy cunt is the only way to go because as a rule 'cunts pull birds.' I personally adopt a bit of a scattergun approach to chatting up girls, moving on to the next one when you get a bad reaction. This might all sound terribly sexist but I think the rule of the cunt applys in the clubs I go to.

It would be a hell of a lot easier if people just lined up in order of attractiveness and paired off in a logical fashion. (Come on, we all know what we're here for.) However, this would leave the notion of punching above your weight dead in the water. And we all need our aspirations...

Krang

At this current time there is only 1 girl i have known for a "long time" that i am in regular company with. Unfortunatly she has a boyfriend who has known her longer.

Shame, i cant remember getting to know her, she joined my drama class, and worked in the group project with me, we instantly "clicked" as you might say.

"Feels like ive known her for years"

fanny splendid

Quote from: "butnut"So, what do I do? I spend the entire evening talking to my 2 friends (who are are one of these sort-of-a-couple-but-not-really types) and make absolutely no effort at all to talk to any of the large selection of apparently good-looking single girls at the party.

It sounds like you had fun, which is the point, isn't it?

Don't worry about perceived missed opportunities. You'll just wind yourself up, and create anxieties for the next time you are in a similar situation.

It's easy for me to say, but just relax.

Morrisfan82

Maybe you're a bit like me in that...

Just recently I've had a tendency to go out until very late every Friday, to places with many many young females whom I find attractive, some of which may intermittently make eye contact, smile or generally make themselves moderately approachable to me. I'm single, and looking for a relationship, but a wave of apathy washes over me and I don't bother. Because I just cannot bring myself to be so enthused as to chat-up total strangers in clubs.

The problem being that I am only ever compelled to be attracted to women I already know to a degree. And I think it stems from being far more interested and excited by meeting a like-minded member of the opposite sex than having a fuck.

Which is nothing to feel inadequate about, frustrating though it is.

What you need to to ask yourself is whether you really wanted to cop-off or not. If you did, then I'd imagine you're just a little shy and lacking in a bit of confidence (and you probably weren't helped by the low quantity of people you knew at the party). If you didn't then, well, you're probably looking for something more...

The value of Muteki's opinions may go down as well as up. Your home is at risk if you ask him for advice about mortgages.

butnut

Quote from: "fanny splendid"It sounds like you had fun, which is the point, isn't it?

Don't worry about perceived missed opportunities. You'll just wind yourself up, and create anxieties for the next time you are in a similar situation.

It's easy for me to say, but just relax.

Yes. I did have a good evening.I think the reason I posted this was because I spoke to a couple of friends yesterday and they said "how was the party" and I said "really good, there were loads of girls there" and they said "wow, and..?' and I said "um, well I didn't actually speak to them" and they said "D'oh!"

So I suppose they made me feel like a bit of a twat. But as I honestly don't think I'm ready for any kind of a relationship, the time's not right. No doubt, at some point in the future, and when I'm ready, miss vaguely-right will pop up.

Quote from: "5.09 am"Being a bit of a sleazy cunt is the only way to go because as a rule 'cunts pull birds.'

Never has a truer word been written. This is the main reason why I'm single.

And thanks for the replies guys! They've helped.

Smackhead Kangaroo

Did you fail to get drunk at this party then? I wish there were a party near me some time, people seem t o have become a bit staid and dull, no one bothers, there wasn't even anything at new years.

Anyway I find the drunken- being a bastard works  reasonably well. But then I'm always drunk at this sort of thing and most likely I come off as some kind of slut.

If it helps it's good to have osmesort of crappy gimmick. I was at a bar once with a friend and we found some cigarettes on our table, which were offered around drunkenly. Which worked perfectly well for meeting the girls at LOL NO next table. But then we attempted to smoke many at once which was silly.
The Dear Deirdre page from the sun is always fun to mock too.

Just as an extra thought though, even if you don't want to'get off' with people, and not that I have, but surely it's still good to make new friends

butnut

Quote from: "Smackhead Kangaroo"Did you fail to get drunk at this party then?

No, I must have been quite drunk by the end. My memory's a bit hazy, and I watched an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm when I got back and it didn't make any sense at all and wasn't funny. When I watched it the next day it was brilliant!

I think as I got more drunk, the more determined I was to sit and make no attempt to talk to anyone I didn't know - unless they came and talked to me. And shit - I had the chance to talk to the bastards. One girl kept giving me naughty fags, and all I did was say 'thankyou' and proceeded to partake of it. Oh well, there'll be more parties with loads of girls in the future. (If anyone knows of any in the London area give me a tinkle!)

Smackhead Kangaroo

Hold on a minute was this party at some pub near Charing cross? *strokes chin*
If it was I had a friend that might well have been there and did the same thing. Although it clearly wasn't you scumweasel. I can't believe I wasn't invited! Cunts

butnut

Quote from: "Smackhead Kangaroo"Hold on a minute was this party at some pub near Charing cross? *strokes chin*
If it was I had a friend that might well have been there and did the same thing. Although it clearly wasn't you scumweasel. I can't believe I wasn't invited! Cunts

No, this was in Fulham. (But it wasn't full of the usual Fulham-type wankers). But at least it sounds like there are several parties with a good female to male ratio.

MonkeyDrummer

i don't think the time's ever right. I mean you don't make a decision to meet someone. It just happens and that's it. Any plans you had are now gone.
I have a problem with the sleaziness thing too. When i see men wandering round girls or coming on to then it just makes me cringe and i try and avoid it.

But it's all swings and roundabouts. I know a 18-30 rep who's had a frightening amount of girls. But recently he got dumped, now he can't pull, he was blown out by a girl who gave him a fake name, number etc. Now he's a bumbling insecure wreck who struggles to return girl's eye contact. Thank fucking Christ, I think. Give him some time living down here with all the normal people.

Lt Plonker

Ah, butnut. This thread will be my new home. I feel for you buddy.

It's that sleaziness thing that gets me too. I'd hate to come across as being one of those thick-headed hobbledehoys with breath that could melt lead. Another thing, that elderford mentioned, that also worries me, is that appearing out of your depth thing. Trying to do something you've never done infront of everyone else. It's also the potential 'oh god, he's[ talking to me' facial expression that I worry about appearing.

I might drag a chum of mine, who is in a similar situation to me, out on Saturday to the local discotheque, to see if we can make any progress in this area.

I'm still not sure about certain things though. What do girls think of guys who are, erm, shall we say, bereft of 'experience'? I was reading the advice column of our student magazine and the general gist of the 'advice' was that 'if you tell them you're a virgin, then they'll laugh you out of the club'. It didn't quite come across as being helpful.

Vermschneid Mehearties

You're afraid of rejection. Most probably. Which is why virtually everyone cursed with intelligence takes things criminally slowly. I've had the opportunity to 'get in' with 3 girls in my entire life. Not appalling for 17 years old, though I managed to fuck all of them up, once by being too immature, and then 3 years later for not being in the right cack of friends (sigh), and twice because I was being so slow in coming forward, they just moved on.

Just use the underclass technique of behaving like a moron, drinking too much and driving a shit car. Works every fucking time, apparantly. Oh, and if you already have a girlfriend then BONUS. For some reason being 'with' someone immediately attracts women.

I've got 'something' going with a girl I work with at the moment. A sort of intangible limbo where we certainly aren't friends, but we're not together. All the flirting and the fun happens though, so I don't want to damage that by suddenely blurting out, "I fucking love you". If only life had a 'Restart' button.

DonkeyRods

Quote from: "MonkeyDrummer"...
But it's all swings and roundabouts. I know a 18-30 rep who's had a frightening amount of girls. But recently he got dumped, now he can't pull, he was blown out by a girl who gave him a fake name, number etc. Now he's a bumbling insecure wreck who struggles to return girl's eye contact. Thank fucking Christ, I think. Give him some time living down here with all the normal people.

Struggles to return eye contact? hmph getting some in the first place would be nice! mutter mutter

Being with another girl you get on with helps though...a while ago there was a girl I would go out with when her bf was away, and whenever we went out together, I would be fighting the other women off with a stick. It was quite unbelievable. I've always had the most success when just having a good time with friends and had pulling (god i hate that word) at the back of my mind.

I think it comes down to either being too passive and taking a 'please like me!' approach, or being confident and talking to whoever takes your fancy but not taking it too serious. I'm very shy and often fall into the former, which sucks. But I'm learning to be the latter, and it works wonders.

imitationleather

Gawd, this is exactly the sort of thread I don't want to be posting in.

I have sort of "completely ignore them and if they do talk to you, have a heart attack" attitude to any girls I'm interested in. Bizarrely, sometimes it works for whatever reason and they become interested in me. Then, of course, I'm obliged to fuck it up by telling them I'm gay or something. Ferralarf, like.

For instance, today I got cornered by a couple of girls and they asked me about Valentine's day. There is no way that I'd ever send anyone a Valentine's card unless I'd already told them I was going to and they'd said it was okay. I think that if I did ever send one out of the blue, I'd be too embarrassed to ever look the receiver in the eye again. One of the girls was talking to me like she was expecting something off me, but there's not a hope in hell that she's getting a token of affection unless she comes right out and asks for something. And even then I won't do it. I'm a born romantic, me.

Anyway, I'm going to leave it there because I've just realised that this reads like the warbling of a teenage girl. Argh!

blue jammer

Heh, somewhat of a singletons thread (ohh he used a Bridget Jones Diary term)

It's all about the right kind of balance isn't it (I love saying this, and I think have said it quite a lot in the past month)

Approaching the opposite sex can be a nightmare, or it can be a breeze, I'd say it depends how much you've had to drink?

Nothing to drink - nervous, forget it
A little to drink - you may well have a smile on your chops, go for it
A fair bit to drink - go for it, you know you ROCK
A lot to drink - forget it, you'll fall, stagger, or dribble near them, then fall over and piss yourself/pass out

Over the years I've noticed a couple of things - girls like someone who's confident and funny, so if you can make them laugh (no, don't show them your winkie, that isn't a good idea) and you can talk to them, looking them in the eye as you do so, then your halfway there... #living on a prayer#

It's the bit after meeting them that winds me up, that stupid thing of 'ohhh should I call them? how long should I leave it' Not blaming the media for this, but I've had this happen a couple of times, and thinking to myself heh, Ima gonna play this one cool and bag me that babe, did it work? did it fuck, she obviously thought I wasn't interested and that was that.

Never leave it, if you like someone, do something about it, don't just sit there thinking 'ahhh isn't she lovely' and ponder about calling, pick up the phone and ring them!

Right, think that's enough waffle from me on that. As you were.

Vermschneid Mehearties



Spare a thought for these then guys. For the 2 months of the year they have any sexual appetite, they rarely find any females, and even then, are absolutely wilfully hopeless at attracting them, and even then, mating with them.

They also have shite digestive systems, meaning they can only eat bamboo, and will be extinct in the wild in 15 years.

In nightclubs, I have the uncanny ability to seek out the already-spoken-for ladies to chat up. "Wear a ring or some other obvious sign of commitment next time love!"

gazzyk1ns

Yeah I think most people are afraid of coming across as sleazy - women talk amongst themselves, and I'm always scared that if I come across like that when talking to one then there will be a girlie conversation somewhere in which my name will come up - and then the girl I was talking to will say "uurgh no, he's a right sleazebucket, I was talking to him at the party and he was letching at me and..." Than bang, everyone hates me.

Everyone's said it though - you can't worry about it for so many reasons.

At a party, apart from the above, I usually find it quite easy to talk to women though, I feel more uncomfortable sitting there and stewing - and I assume it's the same for them, so they'll appreciate some chat.

In a club I find it soo hard though, you've got Sean Paul or N-Trance blasting out at five million decibels, so you've got to start from scratch... It's such a nightmare. It's a lot better if you can chat to them in a pub/bar and then progress to a club, isn't it, so they sort of "know" you or whatever...

Generally though I think where a lot of people go wrong is trying too hard. Daves kind of said it when he wrote "act is if it's just a casual conversation and not necessarily a big deal", but I'd say that it actually isn't a big deal - so realise that. A lot easier said than done like with so many things, but I think that's the key to it.

Elderford said that it's not a problem even if you do look like a twat in front of a stranger (which isn't likely in any case) and I would really agree with that. You'll never see them again so to quote a Dr Pepper ad, "What's the worst that can happen?".

Frinky

Quote from: "gazzyk1ns"...so to quote a Dr Pepper ad, "What's the worst that can happen?".

And have you seen how they end?!

terrorist

Real connections between people, particularly the kind leading to relationships, are a chance occurrence that can happen anywhere at anytime like in a shop, on a train, at a bus-stop or at work.  Parties and nightclubs are crap (or they were for me) cause everyone has their desparate bastard radars on and you're expectations are too high leading to fuck up and let down in the personal confidence arena.  blah blah read the Tao of Pooh. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0416199259/ref=sr_aps_books_1_1/026-9292801-3541241
You'll see.....

butnut

Quote from: "terrorist"Parties and nightclubs are crap (or they were for me) cause everyone has their desparate bastard radars on and you're expectations are too high leading to fuck up and let down in the personal confidence arena.  

Yeah - I think that's something to do with it. It's like new years, when you're expected to have a good time. YOU MUST ENJOY YOURSELF. That's how I felt at that party - in retrospect anyway - THERE WERE LOADS OF GIRLS , YOU MUST PULL AT LEAST ONE OF THEM.

Sherringford Hovis

Quote from: "butnut"THERE WERE LOADS OF GIRLS , YOU MUST PULL AT LEAST ONE OF THEM.

Aye.

Persistence is the key - in my single days, I used the 5% rule.

Vermschneid Mehearties

QuoteI used the 5% rule

What, hell, UBBCode chief?

thomasina

I think there's a consensus that clubs and bars are not a suitable environment to go looking for a relationship in. (fine for a 1 nighter but nothing else).   i think the idea of 'looking' at all is a bit of a non-starter.  I don't know anyone whose relationship worked out who found their partner when they were looking.

It makes sense really, though, doesn't it?  If you started talking to someone at the party because you're single and they're female, its as if 'having a relationship' comes first and finding someone to have it with comes second.  You're far more likely to be attracted to someone when you're not thinking about it.

I just ended a 2 year on-off thing in November and vaguely feel that it would be quite nice to have a bloke to go to the cinema or cuddle up on the settee with.  But i'm not shopping for one, it never works.