The Whores' Bedtime

[Jemble Fred]

It seems that every cunt is writing a children's story today.

Hey – we're all cunts! Let's do it! Let's try one short paragraph each (kids can't handle long paragraphs anyway) and see how it goes this time...

We'll be millionaires!

Pine Martin and Peregrine Falcon



The bees that danced their way through the petunias and lilies-of-the-garden agreed with each other that it was the finest day since the last fine day they had had, which, they agreed, was probably yesterday. Pine Martin was watering the daffodils in his lovely front garden, when he heard the most peculiar sound. His furry little ears pricked up.

[TotalNightmare]

"ding-a-ling-a-ling"

Pine Martin tried to guess where he'd heard that sound before...

"ding-a-ling-a-ling"

It wasn't coming from the pond at the bottom of the garden...

"ding-a-ling-a-ling"

It wasn't the ringtone on his new mobile phone...

"ding-a-ling-a-ling"

What was that sound?

"Ding-a-ling-a-ling"
"Oi! Pine! Where's me dinner?"

Ah. It was Perry, Pine's lazy friend and Peregrine Falcon to the stars.
Pine put down his watering can and shuffled back into his pine mock tudor house. Inside, sitting in front of the television, was Perry, ringing a small bell that he'd picked up at an auction.

"I want me DINNER!"

[Regular John]

Perry had been sat in his armchair for nearly six years, claiming disability benefit from the RSPB after he was mishandled by an overzealous birdwatcher. Pine was more than happy to take care of his friend, but more often than not he was on the receiving end of a barrage of abuse if Perry was late in getting his meals!

[Vermschneid Mehearties]

"Your food is on its way" Pine chirped, in a rather nervous fashion. He was nervous because he knew that he'd just spent the past two greedy hours munching on the juicy lettuces growing in his shed of a back garden. He'd had to pop down the Epping forest and scavenge some more

"I want it now!" Perry replied impatiently.

"Well it's not ready now, you'll have to wait!"

"Awww. I hate waiting. If only we'd voted Conservative, we'd have the choice to go where we want to eat, and choose what we want to eat, and choose how much to pay for it", Perry knowingly responded.

Pine scratched his head, not unlike Labour MP John Reid. His friend Perry needed to be placated. And the only thing he could think of placating him was on the wall.

[falafel]

He took the thing off the wall and gave it to Perry.
"What is it?", asked the falcon.
"It's a thing."
"What sort of thing?"
"Look, if you squeeze this bit it goes quack!"
"Is it dinner?"
"No."
"I want me dinner. Put this thing back on the wall and get me dinner."
Pine decided not to correct Perry's language. He considered the use of the possessive pronoun 'me' as an acceptable regional variation, and left it at that.
"I want me dinner! Get me dinner!"
"You know, if we'd voted conservative, you wouldn't have been able to sponge off the state either. You'd have been shot and served to the Queen in a ceremonial banquet. The conservatives know how to set an example."
"DINNER!"

Well, that hadn't worked. What would poor old Pine do about his whinging friend? He was beginning to feel that Perry was more of an albatross than a falcon, although that may have been something to do with his colouring.

[TotalNightmare]

Pine skipped over to the kitchen and looked in the cupboard.

It was bare. Empty. Or, if you like, sparce.
Either way, unless Perry wanted a Dust Butty, there was no chance of dinner in the next few minutes.

Pine bent down to look in the fridge. As he did, something whizzed passed his head and bounced off the wall with a 'quack'.

"DINNER!"

There was nothing in the fridge either bar a rather old, mouldy and hard piece of cheese.

"DINNER!"

"Stop shouting at me. Why don't you get a job, like i had to? Do you think i like working as a bin man. It's soul destroying enough to have to clean up strangers filth off the streets when i have to come home and pick your filth off the floor"

"DINNER. DINNER. DINNER. DINNER..."

There was a pause before the storm broke...

"... YOU SHORT ARSED FUCK!"

Pine Martin closed his eyes and felt his ears fill up with white noise. His arms seemingly spun around his body and he clenched his teeth so hard he felt one chip in side his mouth.
He counted to 10.
By 9 Perry was dead.

Pine looked down. There was a battered falcon lying at his feet with a stick of old cheese peeping out of his skull.

Pine had that regret feeling.

"I wished he'd said BATMAN" he mumbled.

[Regular John]

After what seemed like twenty seconds, but was in fact nearer half a minute, Pine realised he now no longer needed to prepare a meal for his recently deceased housemate. Casually strolling to the hallway with a breezy jaunt he had not experienced in such a long time, Pine picked up his increasingly tatty donkey jacket and opened the door into a new, worry (and Perry) free world.

[falafel]

could that be the end? strikes me as the sort of thing Michael Howard might commission in order to educate the youth of Britain as to how to deal with spongers...

except most children's publishers would probably condemn the use of expletives.

[Rats]

Pine fumed, rustling his branches around in anger "I have to do everything for you! I should have killed you when I had the chance"
Perry squirmed in fear, deep into the soft couch as Pine raged towards him, sap spurting from the gnarled dark bark of his expressionless tree face, branches swiping through the air.
"It's too much for me" he squeeled "I need to kill you now and be done with it"
Perry twitched, gasping breathless as Pines needled arms exploded out around his neck "I'll just have a cup of tea then" he croaked
"Try a cup of pain" Pine boomed "A metaphorical cup where tea is pain. Drink some pain through your pain sensor mouth ... from my angry cup you bastard"
"tea will be fine thanks"
Pine took a firm grip around Perrys beak and snapped it off briskly, CRACK! TEAR! Flesh and feathers splashed the air as Perry screemed over the waterfall crash of endless blood, gargling and choking in agony.
Pine shook with excitement, ramming the beak into perry's gaping bloody face and forcing down, tearing his throat into flapping ribbons "choke on your own squawking face you feathery twat" he screemed.

edit: oops, too late

[fanny splendid]

...and then he woke up.


It was all a dream.

[falafel]

Ooh, thank God for that, he thought. He'd dreamed he was a homicidal tree. Which was pretty scary, really.

And then he saw Perry's mangled corpse hanging from the ceiling fan above his bed, his feathers gently ruffling in the breeze. The poor bird had been decapitated, his head replaced with what looked like a radish on a stick.  

"What happaned here?" screamed Pine, to nobody in particular. Then he realised he seemed to be wearing something on his head.

"Oh. My. God."

[Rats]

it was the wife from friends that they used to beef up lame episodes when Monicas fat suit was in the wash. Pine looked up to see what was on his head, it was a naff 80s hairstlye and he was wearing a "frankie says relax" T shirt.
"Oh no" he cried, this story is so lame that we've entered a dimension where the past and present are intertwined, the wife from friends isn't wearing pink lipstick. Hey! Maybe I can find Perry and be able to ...."
Pine choked on his words as the mutilated corpse shook violently, letting out a piercing scream.
"My god, he's wearing a fat suit"
Thick black blood squirted up around the radish.

[Jemble Fred]

"Mummy Mummy! Tell me the one about the falcoln-murdering rodent again!

[TotalNightmare]

"Mummy Mummy! Tell me the one about the falcoln-murdering rodent again!

it's seemed to have lost its way... which is a shame, as i was having a right laugh with this one...

Shall we start again or pick up from Regular John's post about walking out into a 'Perry Free world'... i can see a whole new life waiting for him... with the police on his trail...??

[Rats]

I thought pine martin was a tree called martin, sorry.

[Jemble Fred]

Jo Rowling never had to put up with this shit. And who's the 'wife from Friends'? Anyway, we were up to 'thick black blood spurting...'


"Jiminy Cripes" said Pine Martin to himself, "this is a befuddly morning and no fucking mistake! I know, I'll just pop down the lane to Mrs. Jenny Wren's shoppe and buy myself a buttercup muffin, and forget this whole terrible murdering business. Bill Oddie will kill me when he finds out!"

At just that moment, somewhere in Hampstead, William Oddie OBE glanced at a large red phone on his desk, labelled 'Falcon Watch'. It was buzzing and hooting away like nobody's business.

[Rats]

The one who goes "Oh. My. God." I can't remember her name, Janet? Is it Janet? Janice?

[Manford Thirty-Sixborough]

It was the fashion in the Palace to eat pickled whale-blubber sandwiches and scoff down cats tail meringues, all washed down with sour milk.

[Jemble Fred]

It was the fashion in the Palace to eat pickled whale-blubber sandwiches and scoff down cats tail meringues, all washed down with sour milk.

You terrify me! ... You  have proven my true cuntiness. Anyone know a good publisher?

[Jemble Fred]

It's like a scab, I just can't stop picking...

Pine Martin and Peregrine Falcon [/u]





The bees that danced their way through the petunias and lilies-of-the-garden agreed with each other that it was the finest day since the last fine day they had had, which, they agreed, was probably yesterday. Pine Martin was watering the daffodils in his lovely front garden, when he heard the most peculiar sound. His furry little ears pricked up.

"Ding-a-ling-a-ling!"

Pine Martin tried to guess where he'd heard that sound before...

"Ding-a-ling-a-ling!"

It wasn't coming from the pond at the bottom of the garden...

"Ding-a-ling-a-ling!"

It wasn't the ringtone on his new mobile phone...

"Ding-a-ling-a-ling!"

What was that sound?

"Ding-a-ling-a-ling"

"Oi! Pine! Where's me dinner?"

Ah. It was Perry, Pine's lazy friend and Peregrine Falcon to the stars.
Pine put down his watering can and shuffled back into his pine Mock Tudor house. Inside, sitting in front of the television, was Perry, ringing a small bell that he'd picked up at an auction.

"I want me DINNER!"

Perry had been sat in his armchair for nearly six years, claiming disability benefit from the RSPB after he was mishandled by an overzealous birdwatcher. Pine was more than happy to take care of his friend, but more often than not he was on the receiving end of a barrage of abuse if Perry was late in getting his meals!

"Your food is on its way" Pine chirped, in a rather nervous fashion. He was nervous because he knew that he'd just spent the past two greedy hours munching on the juicy lettuces growing in his shed of a back garden. He'd had to pop down the Epping forest and scavenge some more.

"I want it now!" Perry replied impatiently.

"Well it's not ready now, you'll have to wait!"

"Awww. I hate waiting. If only we'd voted Conservative, we'd have the choice to go where we want to eat, and choose what we want to eat, and choose how much to pay for it", Perry knowingly responded.

Pine scratched his head, not unlike Labour MP John Reid. His friend Perry needed to be placated. And the only thing he could think of placating him was on the wall.

He took the thing off the wall and gave it to Perry.

"What is it?", asked the falcon.

"It's a thing."

"What sort of thing?"

"Look, if you squeeze this bit it goes quack!"

"Is it dinner?"

"No."

"I want me dinner. Put this thing back on the wall and get me dinner."

Pine decided not to correct Perry's language. He considered the use of the possessive pronoun 'me' as an acceptable regional variation, and left it at that.

"I want me dinner! Get me dinner!"

"You know, if we'd voted conservative, you wouldn't have been able to sponge off the state either. You'd have been shot and served to the Queen in a ceremonial banquet. The conservatives know how to set an example."

"DINNER!"

Well, that hadn't worked. What would poor old Pine do about his whinging friend? He was beginning to feel that Perry was more of an albatross than a falcon, although that may have been something to do with his colouring.

Pine skipped over to the kitchen and looked in the cupboard.

It was bare. Empty. Or, if you like, sparce.

Either way, unless Perry wanted a Dust Butty, there was no chance of dinner in the next few minutes.

Pine bent down to look in the fridge. As he did, something whizzed passed his head and bounced off the wall with a 'quack'.

"DINNER!"

There was nothing in the fridge either bar a rather old, mouldy and hard piece of cheese.

"DINNER!"

"Stop shouting at me. Why don't you get a job, like I had to? Do you think I like working as a bin man. It's soul destroying enough to have to clean up strangers filth off the streets when I have to come home and pick your filth off the floor."

"DINNER. DINNER. DINNER. DINNER..."

There was a pause before the storm broke...

"...YOU SHORT ARSED FUCK!"

Pine Martin closed his eyes and felt his ears fill up with white noise. His arms seemingly spun around his body and he clenched his teeth so hard he felt one chip in side his mouth.

He counted to 10.

By 9 Perry was dead.

Pine looked down. There was a battered falcon lying at his feet with a stick of old cheese peeping out of his skull.

Pine had that regret feeling.

"I wish he'd said BATMAN," he mumbled.

After what seemed like twenty seconds, but was in fact nearer half a minute, Pine realised he now no longer needed to prepare a meal for his recently deceased housemate. Casually strolling to the hallway with a breezy jaunt he had not experienced in such a long time, Pine picked up his increasingly tatty donkey jacket and opened the door into a new, worry (and Perry) free world.

Or did he?

Pine fumed, rustling his branches around in anger "I have to do everything for you! I should have killed you when I had the chance."

Perry squirmed in fear, deep into the soft couch as Pine raged towards him, sap spurting from the gnarled dark bark of his expressionless tree face, branches swiping through the air.

"It's too much for me" he squealed "I need to kill you now and be done with it!"

Perry twitched, gasping breathless as Pines needled arms exploded out around his neck "I'll just have a cup of tea then" he croaked.

"Try a cup of pain" Pine boomed "A metaphorical cup where tea is pain. Drink some pain through your pain sensor mouth... from my angry cup you bastard!"

"Tea will be fine thanks."

Pine took a firm grip around Perry's beak and snapped it off briskly, CRACK! TEAR! Flesh and feathers splashed the air as Perry screamed over the waterfall crash of endless blood, gargling and choking in agony.
Pine shook with excitement, ramming the beak into Perry's gaping bloody face and forcing down, tearing his throat into flapping ribbons "choke on your own squawking face you feathery twat" he screamed.

...And then he woke up. It was all a dream.

'Ooh, thank God for that', he thought. He'd dreamed he was a homicidal tree. Which was pretty scary, really.

And then he saw Perry's mangled corpse hanging from the ceiling fan above his bed, his feathers gently ruffling in the breeze. The poor bird had been decapitated, his head replaced with what looked like a radish on a stick.

"What happened here?" screamed Pine, to nobody in particular. Then he realised he seemed to be wearing something on his head.

"Oh. My. God."

It was Janice from 'Friends', the one that they used to beef up lame episodes when Monica's fat suit was in the wash. Pine looked up to see what was on his head, it was a naff 80s hairstyle and he was wearing a "Frankie Says Relax" T-shirt.

"Oh no!" he cried, "this story is so lame that we've entered a dimension where the past and present are intertwined, Janice from 'Friends' isn't wearing pink lipstick. Hey! Maybe I can find Perry and be able to..."

Pine choked on his words as the mutilated corpse shook violently, letting out a piercing scream.

"My god, he's wearing a fat suit!"

Thick black blood squirted up around the radish.

"Jiminy Cripes" said Pine Martin to himself, "this is a befuddly morning and no fucking mistake! I know, I'll just pop down the lane to Mrs. Jenny Wren's shoppe and buy myself a buttercup muffin, and forget this whole terrible murdering business. Bill Oddie will kill me when he finds out!"

****

At just that moment, somewhere in Hampstead, William Oddie OBE glanced at a large red phone on his desk, labelled 'Falcon Watch'. It was buzzing and hooting away like nobody's business.

"What?" he said, turning puce in fury, even though the person on the other end of the phone hadn't even said anything yet, "He's done what? A rodent?" There was a pause. "I know that it's whatever turns you on, but this is fucking AHT OF ORDAH! Leave it with me," he grimaced, and dropped the phone as if he'd been stung by a phone-shaped jellyfish.

****

"Hello there, my lovey-duck!" chirrupped Jenny Wren, ruffling her feathers and beaming her beak at the dishevelled Pine Martin. "What would you like to buy today then?"

Pine Martin looked about him. Kids love reading great big lists of sweets and shit like that, so here goes: there were rosehip dibdabs, buttercup toffees, ram's bladder cups, (ha ha! A Python reference! In your face and up your gold-plated twat, Rowling!) hawthorn cupcakes, elderflower flying saucers, ChewitsTM, chocolate pinecones....

[falafel]

Pine bought himself a copy of Razzle, a buttplug, and a pack of ribbed Mates. He left the shop looking forward to a good posh wank. He was about to leave the shop when he remembered something, and turned back to ask Jenny: "Ooh, can I have a pack of Marlboro Lights as well, love? And are you still selling those mushrooms under the counter?"

He got some toys and stuff too, and left feeling happy. All the while, Perry rotted slowly in their humble shared abode. There was going to be some hassle about the rent, that was for sure.

[Jemble Fred]

"Hang on!" thought Martin, as he was halfway down the dandelion lane from Jenny's shop, "I just interacted with a cute and cuddly little bird character and I didn't kill her in cold blood! That's no good, is it?"

And so, a horrific grimace on his furry little muzzle, he picked up a stout and sturdy stick and went back into the shop.

[Jemble Fred]

So Bill Oddie turned up on his trandem, blew Martin's brains out and had another Nervous breakdown.

The End.

Go to sleep now darling, and if you hear Mummy screaming, join in.

[Concerned But Powerless]

TALES FROM THE FUTURE! #56[/u]

Perry: I'm just going to the shops, love.

Perry's Wife: Okay.

Perry: I''ll just have this loaf of bread, shopkeeper.

Shopkeeper: Okay, that'll be two million pounds please.

Perry:  Here you go, sorry I haven't got anything smaller.

TALES FROM THE FUTURE! #56[/u]

[TotalNightmare]

TALES FROM THE FUTURE 107

Robot Love Machine: Hello Loverbot. How can i be of service.

DrearyDroid: I will have full hard drive sex please.

RLM: Come and get it (biddy biddy biddy)

DD: Do you have protection?

RLM: I am installed with Norton Durex Anti Virus: formatted for your pleasure.

DD: Thats good.

12 minutes later. They  are still at it.

RLM: How long does it take you to download your programming into my slot.

DD: I need an upgrade. im still only 56k.

RLM: thats TINY

DD: its not the size that counts.

A fight ensues. and DD kills RLM.

DD: OH NO, its happened again...


TALES FROM THE FUTURE 107

[Jemble Fred]

To celebrate the fact that I've solemnly resolved to stop sitting about moaning about life, get off my arse and make a real attempt to get one of my stories published.... BUMP.

Time for another kiddiwinks' tale, for those who have time to murder. But this time, let's really go for the money...

Trevor Verbwhore and the Land of Perhaps Next Tuesday

Chapter 1 – The Boy Who Would Not Just Fuck Off.

His candle flickering in a draught from the balustrades, Trevor Verbwhore wound his way up the majestic main staircase of St AntiChrist's, the myserious new school which had picked him out of a handful of 30,000,000 hopefuls to study the dark arts and A Level Media Studies. From a very young age, he'd always known he was special. He knew he was different from the other people, and now he had his chance to prove himself.

"Come thee no further" came the voice from a creaking old wax statue of Lenny Bennett that stood guard outside the first years' dormitory, "Unless ye can tell me the magic password!"

[slim]

Trevor stood quietly for a moment, his face contorted with thought. Pursing his lips, he took the candle, placed it at the feet of the wax effigy and took a brazen step back.

"Are you going to let me in, you old hasbeen?" he asked, "Or am I going to let that flame melt your wax goolies?"

[danielreal2k]

Trevor paused for a while.... he had one chance to get this right and did not want to anger Bennett.

... "Rod Hull" he nervously spluttered

Bennett looked bemused and cross, like an old lady who had realised she had taken her time walking downstairs for 30 minutes only to realise it was a Jeovahs Witness at the door.

"brainless cock" The Bennett statue shouted, but realising this wasnt far from Trevors original answer let him on anyway...

[Munday's Chylde]

...Trevor made his way cautiously into the dormitary and quickly took in his surroundings. They were just as he had always imagined they would be, only without as much buggery going on.
"Trevor!" came the cheerful cry of his gingerhaired bestmate, Roland Numbface, "I thought you'd never get here, Let me show you your bed."
"Thats okay Roland," Trevor said, nervously chewing his bottom lip, "I think I can find it myself."
"Okay then." repied Roland, "And get off my bottom lip would you?"
"Sorry."

Suddenly the bell went... Which meant it was time for that mornings first lesson. Trevor eagrely checked his timetable only to discover that it was...

[falafel]

broken.