StoryTime

[gazzyk1ns]

The Colonel muttered some innuendo about "brown exhausts" and then left. That was to be my last encounter with the ageing homosexual.

[twatloops]

I finished my story and looked down at my nephew.  I think I'd really crossed the line this time.  I reached for my trusty bag of Werthers...

[butnut]

But the first one I pulled out looked exactly like The Colonel - and my mind was taken back to the day when I first met him...

[Mr Flunchy]

As I jerked in invisible rapture like some crazy marionette my nephew began to scream, first softly, then loudly and frantically.

[gazzyk1ns]

EDIT  - I was too slow and fucked it, ignore.

[Funky Gibbon]

He soon stopped screaming when a flailing foot caught him in the rectal passage.

[butnut]

I looked up to see who could have done such a chivalrous deed - but my eyes almost popped out their sockets when I saw it was...

[terrorist]

David Seaman

[king mob]

who was slicking his ponytail with vasoline & cupping his hands round my buttocks

[butnut]

Then, to my amazement, he started to blow air into my back-passage, and due to his large lung capacity, I quickly inflated and started to float up to the ceiling.

[king mob]

then as i fell to the ground David caught me & i realised i was the first thing he'd caught in months

[butnut]

apart from all the VDs, obviously.

[Rats]

and the eastenders omnibus on sunday.

[Purple Tentacle]

"Does Rory McGrath like football so much because his head is shaped so much like a football?" I asked David.

[Rats]

"If Jonathan Ross is a big fan of rugby" he replied "then you may well be on to something"

[butnut]

Latest update for those who can't be bothered to read the whole thing, or have forgotten:

I stumbled into the sex den of a 1930s Colonel.  He looked up from the fresh arse he was devouring, and beckoned me over with a grimy finger. I shuddered as I saw the vaseline dripping from its bony joints. I reholstered my piece and stepped towards him out of the shadows. As I walked towards him I noticed many depraved and broken bodies lying around in the dark corners of the room. But it was what also came out of the shadows that caught my attention..
"Where's my tour guide?" I wondered, anxiously. Despite using this branch of Dixons before, it all seemed so different now. And I only came in for some batteries for my birthday present...and yet the staff were obnoxious cunts that smelt like cardboard. My companion gave me a look of utter disgust and threw up on my shoes, "but he does make exceedingly good cakes", I said.
Suddenly the in-store CD, playing a Pan Pipe version of 'Doop' by Doop, ceased its infernal tootling, and an eerie silence descended. "Hello, young man" said the Colonel, "I see that you approve of our new in-store design". It crackled to life again with a sound like a jockeys cough and everyone froze as the announcement was made...
'HALF PRICE I-PODS NOW AVAILABLE..JUST THROUGH THAT PORTAL TO HELL OVER THERE'  the tannoy croaked. Tentatively, I stepped into the portal, taking one last look at the world behind me...and saw the Colonal's face, bearing down on me..with his secret blend of herbs and spices...With a gut wrenching tumble myself and the Colonel fell into the portal, which slammed shut with a squelch, just after I heard the tannoy announcement 'I LIED ABOUT THE FREE I-PODS'.
Having passed through the portal, I could see nothing until a voice boomed "I am the Lord High Coffee Pot". "Arses" I exclaimed backwards, as the darkness ended, and my eyes were treated to a gargantuous visual feast, as a vast candle-lit cavern was introduced into my sensory arena. I had fallen through the wall into Halfords, next door.
"I wonder if this distilled water is for use in my battery, or my windscreen washers?" I pondered, frustrated that I could never remember. I gave up and trudged over to the exhausts. While walking to the exhausts i noticed the Colnel was using a spark plug as a butt plug, i asked him why & waited for his reply.
"Are you trying to start something?" I asked. He squared up to me, his tight pecs pressing against my own and uttered something that would stay with my until my death; "what if I am sunshine.." "...or what if I am rain?" , he continued. The smell of WD40 became overpowering and I began to lose conciousness...
When I came to, there was a terrible pain in my mouth and around my rectum. I surmised that I must have been raped both orally and anally by the colonel, I felt a mixture of disgust and fulfillment, but couldn't decide which was the stronger emotion. The Colonel muttered some innuendo about "brown exhausts" and then left. That was to be my last encounter with the ageing homosexual.
I finished my story and looked down at my nephew.  I think I'd really crossed the line this time.  I reached for my trusty bag of Werthers...But the first one I pulled out looked exactly like The Colonel - and my mind was taken back to the day when I first met him...As I jerked in invisible rapture like some crazy marionette my nephew began to scream, first softly, then loudly and frantically. He soon stopped screaming when a flailing foot caught him in the rectal passage. I looked up to see who could have done such a chivalrous deed - but my eyes almost popped out their sockets when I saw it was...David Seaman, who was slicking his ponytail with vasoline & cupping his hands round my buttocks. Then, to my amazement, he started to blow air into my back-passage, and due to his large lung capacity, I quickly inflated and started to float up to the ceiling. Then as i fell to the ground David caught me & i realised i was the first thing he'd caught in months - apart from all the VDs, obviously - and the eastenders omnibus on sunday.
"Does Rory McGrath like football so much because his head is shaped so much like a football?" I asked David. "If Jonathan Ross is a big fan of rugby" he replied "then you may well be on to something".

"So David" I asked with a sudden burst of aggression, "shouldn't your head be shaped like a cunt?"

[Rats]

"yes" he replied "for I do like cunts, but I could so easily go off you if you insist on taking that tone with me"

[gazzyk1ns]

Suddenly the hilarity of David's surname dawned on me; "hahah....hahaha... Seaman! hahaha sounds exactly like 'semen', you know, spunk! hahahahaa" I expelled laughs for a full five minutes.

[Rats]

"I don't believe this" David looked angry "we had our family name changed by deedpoll to avoid all this nonesence. Sailor to Seaman seamed to be the obvious choice. People kept saying "ooh, hello sailor" but this is even worse. Why didn't we see it pun intended coming?"

[gazzyk1ns]

With a twinkle in my eye, I turned around and quickly retorted "Well maybe you should have held a family meeting, and raised tissues like this? Oh, sorry, I don't know what came over me, I meant 'issues'". David Growled like an agitated doberman.

[Rats]

"Well, it's better than being called Wilma Froth-Pamphlet" said David.
I had to admit, he was right, and it was a bloody good job that nobody at all had ever been given that name ever.

[Smackhead Kangaroo]

Oiled up sufficiently we wrestled for what seemed like an eternity. But he still wouldn't take off the moose hat

[Hairy Chin]

Eventually he got bored of taunting me and said "Okay, you can have your stupid hat back. What other stuff you got?" he then opened my wardrobe...

[Cerys]

... despite my protestations.  How was I ever going to explain the sequinned Dan Ayckroyd skin I'd hung there so lovingly, only a few hours earlier?

[Hairy Chin]

"It's still warm" he said, touching the flesh, nearly hanging on a coathanger.
I had to think of an excuse, a good one - and fast...

[dan dirty ape]

Luckily his attention was wrestled away from the now-cooling Ackroyd skin by the basket I had made out of Bobby Davro's hollowed severed head.

[Purple Tentacle]

"Ohh! Oooh! Have you got Barrymore's fist?" he asked me.

[mook]

"Of course not." I spluttered." I only collect these items If I can verify where they've been, Now please accompany me into to the Brian Blessed Room.

[Purple Tentacle]

As we entered the Brian Blessed Room, David covered his ears, overawed by the incessent roaring and shouting.

[mook]

David realised the futility if covering his ears almost immediately, you see, you don't really hear the Blessed so much as feel him in the very marrow of your bones..David stood agog as....