The best shit films.

[monkfromhavana]

Those films you watch, they're terrible, but you can't help liking them and re-watching them.

Last night i re-watched (on Youtube) Split Second

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105459/

A Predator rip-off set in a flooded London in 2008 (9 years after "Black Wednesday according to the film). The script is terrible, the acting is terrible, the ending is shite...but i can't help but like it. Parts of it are intentionally funny and raise a smile, other parts are just woeful and make you laugh at the sheer audacity of how the film got made in the first place. Sample dialogue:

"What do you know about the occult?"
"Nothing"
"i thought you went to college?"
"I did, but the occult wasn't on the curriculum"

"you shot my kitchen, that's what!"

Stars Pete Poselthwaite, Ian Dury, Kim Cattrall, Alun Armstrong...all woeful. Rutger Hauer sleepwalking though the performance (basically playing a tough guy version of the Guinness ads).

Dreadful..yet entertaining

[Sam]

Equilibrium.

Total tosh but deleriously entertaining.

As I've said before, I have a soft spot for Under Seige 1 & 2.

[Jemble Fred]

Oh, right. This came up as 'the best poo films' on Twitter via the filter. I was intrigued, and presuming there would be much talk of Peter Greenaway.

[monkfromhavana]

Look Who's Turding Now?

Under Siege is a fabulous film, perhaps a bit too good for this thread if i'm honest.

I also have a soft spot for those films that lure you in on wet Sunday afternoon's when you have nothing to do but kill your hangover. For example, North Sea Hijack, When Eight Bells Toll, Bear Island, The Osterman Weekend etc.

All uniformly dreadful, but i always end up watching the feckers.

[clingfilm portent]

I have seen Split Second and can attest to it's highly-watchable terribleness. Under Siege 2 is also full of great moments, in fact it was probably Seagal's last watchable film.

My favourite bad film is and will always be Demon Cop. It's hardly watchable in the traditional sense. Instead its one of the most inept attempts ever at putting a story with street-thugs with genuine street-dialogue, criss-crossing storylines and bestial metamorphosis into a film. It is also inexplicably welded to the start of another film with Cameron Mitchell, a great Z-movie actor. In fact that beginning is the only part of the film I can still find online. It's here.

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

Monster Ark is a bullshit religious film starring Xena's sidekick as some sort of archeologist. The film is built on the premise that Noah had built an earlier ark that housed an ancient spooky monster that can only be killed with Noah's staff. It's utterly, utterly, appallingly bad, but is worth watching, simply because the writers had the sheer balls to include a scene where, when the heroes are trapped and have no means of escape, God answers their prayers! It's proper, no foolin' Deus ex machina!

[QDRPHNC]

Survival Zone.

I bought it in a pound shop when I was visiting my granny. Mad Max type thing, total shit.

But I liked it because it came in one of those American cardboard VHS covers, which was cheap unusual.

[SavageHedgehog]

Under Siege 2 is also full of great moments, in fact it was probably Seagal's last watchable film.

I did enjoy Exit Wounds, about DMX smuggling heroin by soaking it in T-Shirts, and then turning out to be

Spoiler alert

good

[close]

I watched Mercury Rising the other day, which was rarely more than moronic and never less than entertaining. I think the 90s was the prime period for entertainingly slick garbage, often starring Bruce Willis. There was something about the decade that brought out the best in both filmmaking competency and screenwriting absurdity.

[monkfromhavana]

The problem with seagal is, he's amde so many films that it's hard to separate the wheat from the chaff. Another enjoyable, yet silly romp, starring seagal and Kurt Russell is Executive Decision. I can't remember the name of the director, but he's made several daft, rubbish, but ultimately enjoyable films, all starring Treat Williams. There was a film on a boat that was brilliant (and rubbish),c an't think what it's called.

Without A Clue is also a great daft comedy with Michael Caine & Ben Kingsley. A Sherlock Holmes based romp that raises a few laughs.

[DukeDeMondo]

I can't remember the name of the director, but he's made several daft, rubbish, but ultimately enjoyable films, all starring Treat Williams. There was a film on a boat...

I'm not sure what the boat picture is that you're thinking of, but I think you've got the wrong director. Executive Decision was directed by Stuart Baird, whose only done that, U.S Marshals and Star Trek Nemesis. He has collaborated (as editor) with Richard Donner quite a few times, mind.

[Wet Blanket]

Parting Shots, the last film by defender-of-lesbians-everywhere Michael Winner, is absolutely amazing in its utter shite-ness. The script is ludicrous, the budget about £18, the direction inept... Chris Rea's laconic delivery of his every line reminds me of Vic & Bob's Sunderland Independent Film Corporation. But then there's also Oliver Reed, John Cleese, Ben Kingsley, Felicity Kendall and others all hamming it up wildly. I reckon I enjoyed watching it much more than say L'Avventura or some other art-house classic. The Prince Charles Cinema should show it every Friday for hipsters to quote along to.

[monkfromhavana]

I'm not sure what the boat picture is that you're thinking of, but I think you've got the wrong director. Executive Decision was directed by Stuart Baird, whose only done that, U.S Marshals and Star Trek Nemesis. He has collaborated (as editor) with Richard Donner quite a few times, mind.

Yeah i think i have, hang on i'll IMDB it....

It's Deep Rising http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118956/

SavageHedgehog must have put that into my mind by mentioning "Mercury Rising".

Anyway, Deep Rising is fantastic!

[rjd2]

Rise Of The Facckin Footsoldier.

Its a film which seems to be in love with its main protagonists who are all absolute scumbags, but the dialogue and obsession with the word caannnt is hilarious. Dan Sullivan of Eastenders and sub standard geezer films fame delivery of "lowlife jobworth cunt" all deadpan is amusing.

clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWz52Rj4q2Q

[Subtle Mocking]

Rise Of The Facckin Footsoldier.

Its a film which seems to be in love with its main protagonists who are all absolute scumbags, but the dialogue and obsession with the word caannnt is hilarious. Dan Sullivan of Eastenders and sub standard geezer films fame delivery of "lowlife jobworth cunt" all deadpan is amusing.

clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWz52Rj4q2Q

Similarly, Outlaw [2007]. A film that tries so bloody hard to be super-serious, but falls right back into geezah territory every time. A film you really shouldn't pay any money for, but it's worth renting just for the sheer hilarity of the commentary, highlighted here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5h9ZPBuBEs

[DukeDeMondo]

it's worth renting just for the sheer hilarity of the commentary, highlighted here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5h9ZPBuBEs

Aw that is just brilliant. Are they takin the piss? I keep expecting to hear "the worst review I ever read, right..."

[monkfromhavana]

Rise Of The Facckin Footsoldier.

Its a film which seems to be in love with its main protagonists who are all absolute scumbags, but the dialogue and obsession with the word caannnt is hilarious. Dan Sullivan of Eastenders and sub standard geezer films fame delivery of "lowlife jobworth cunt" all deadpan is amusing.

clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWz52Rj4q2Q

The best thing in that film is Terry Turbo's wig, i've never seen anything like it. It's a good watch, though it drags a bit towards the end.

You caaahnt!

[Subtle Mocking]

Aw that is just brilliant. Are they takin the piss? I keep expecting to hear "the worst review I ever read, right..."

I can honestly say that 'Mr. Bean 2' gave me more to think about than Outlaw did.

[Obel]

Rise Of The Facckin Footsoldier.

Its a film which seems to be in love with its main protagonists who are all absolute scumbags, but the dialogue and obsession with the word caannnt is hilarious. Dan Sullivan of Eastenders and sub standard geezer films fame delivery of "lowlife jobworth cunt" all deadpan is amusing.

clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWz52Rj4q2Q

I think that might be my most hated film of all time. I remember watching it and feeling thoroughly pissed off about it.

[Subtle Mocking]

I should add my contempt for that particular clip. Horrible stuff, some people aspire to be that cunt.

[BlodwynPig]

I should add my contempt for that particular clip. Horrible stuff, some people aspire to be that cunt.

Jesus Christ!

[Kane Jones]

I should add my contempt for that particular clip. Horrible stuff, some people aspire to be that cunt.

I only got as far as him punching that poor lad and then I switched it off. I just cannot stomach that kind of thing anymore.  It's come to me with age, but when I see screen violence that looks like real violence, or just unbelievable cruelty (particularly in British movies), my blood runs cold and I have to switch it off.

[Butchers Blind]

Rise Of The Facckin Footsoldier.
clip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWz52Rj4q2Q

Just horrible.  Does it make any more sense seen in the context of the film?

[Obel]

Yeah the whole thing is about cunts being cunts. Utter utter shit.

[checkoutgirl]

Rise Of The Facckin Footsoldier.

I thought that was a genuinely depressing film. Just horrible in every way but what do I know ?

Robot Jox is a classic little film about people climbing inside giant robots and fighting each other from the famous Charles Band factory that basically churned out schlocky but fun films for decades. A bit like Real Steel but less shit.

Screamers starring Peter Weller (Robocop) was great fun. As was Leviathan again starring Peter Weller. When it comes to fun but fairly cheap sci fi thrillers, that Weller fella did get about. I find him to be a very watchable actor with a good presence.

[Blumf]

Death Race 2000 (not the boringly shit Death Race remake bollocks) is a thing of joy, including Sylvester Stallone's best performance ever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1DeU17cEtE

Nirvana is a good one for late night viewing. Stars Christopher Lambert in a cyber-punk/zen wander about a future megalopolis.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nirvana_%28film%29

[checkoutgirl]

Stars Christopher Lambert

Jesus H Christmas!! That Lambert fella is the king of enjoyable crap. Fortress being a prime example. A maximum security prison where they can spy on your dreams. Christopher Lambert is imprisoned for a crime he did not commit. Can he escape the Fortress and reunite with the woman he loves ? I know because I've seen it but for you to know you will have to download it illegally and watch with some cheap beer.

Just thought of No Escape starring Ray Liotta as a man who is imprisoned on an inescapable island prison colony. Can Liotta escape the island and get justice for himself and that ? Find out by watching No Escape.

[monkfromhavana]

I salute the mentions of No Escape & Screamers, 2 films i've only seen once, but greatly enjoyed. Didn't "Screamers" have replicant children that are really bombs?

Weller is trumped in this category of films by Rutger Hauer though. That man has made some absolute shite. Has anyone seen "Salute Of The Jugger"? Or that movie where he plays an SS officer 40 years after the Germans have won WWII who discovers that the Nazis weren't nice guys? Or "Wanted: Dead Or Alive"?

I haven't, but i'm sure they're woeful.

[checkoutgirl]

Salute Of The Jugger ? Fuck me!! I actually laughed at that title.

Totally agree abot Rutger Haueoueaur, the crap that man has been in. I have a vague memory of a film he was in where he captured this ransomed guy. He has his hands bound and grenade in the poor fucker's mouth and he is pulling him along by the pin (now lads!). He delivers the guy to the cop bosses or whatever. The bosses say something he doesn't like so he just pulls the grenade pin and slowly walks off, really cool like. Then the grenade explodes and there's just a pair of legs standing there. Can't be bothered looking for the film on Google but it was a classic piece of shit film and I'm almost sure it was Rootger Whorebox.

Dolph Lundgren has form in this area too. We Come In Peace was a classic piece of crap movie starring Dolph, as was The Masters Of The Universe. I think Courtney Cox was in that enjoyable(ish) stinker. You could do a whole thread on Lundgren's celluloid crimes.

[Egyptian Feast]

Totally agree abot Rutger Haueoueaur, the crap that man has been in. I have a vague memory of a film he was in where he captured this ransomed guy. He has his hands bound and grenade in the poor fucker's mouth and he is pulling him along by the pin (now lads!). He delivers the guy to the cop bosses or whatever. The bosses say something he doesn't like so he just pulls the grenade pin and slowly walks off, really cool like. Then the grenade explodes and there's just a pair of legs standing there. Can't be bothered looking for the film on Google but it was a classic piece of shit film and I'm almost sure it was Rootger Whorebox.

That's Wanted: Dead Or Alive, and the bad guy in question is Gene Simmons* out of KISS. The joke is that there's a bonus for bringing him in alive, so Rutger does just that, then says 'Fuck the bonus' and pulls the pin out in the police station.

*Also the bad guy in the Tom Selleck flick Runaway, which probably qualifies for this thread. He kills people with robotic spiders, for fuck's sake!

[checkoutgirl]

That's Wanted: Dead Or Alive, and the bad guy in question is Gene Simmons out of KISS. The joke is that there's a bonus for bringing him in alive, so Rutger does just that, then says 'Fuck the bonus' and pulls the pin out in the police station.

Thanks. Nice job. I might watch this one today. Any excuse to see Gene "Cunt With A Capital C" Simmons having the top half of his body blown to bits. God I hate Gene Simmons with a passion.