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Comedy quotes

Started by Daaaaaaan, July 25, 2004, 11:48:22 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Daaaaaaan

I'm sure you've had them before but they're always fun and enjoyable. Give me your best!

"Where now for man raised by puffins?"


"Gareth: Which one is she?

David: She might not be from the list! I might have met her in a pub...

Gareth: Did you?

David: No she's from the list..."


"David: Well, you're not looking at the whole pie Jenny. Wernham Hogg is one big pie, and if they've let me in charge of that one big pie, then I'll be in charge of the pie, and the people are the fruit-

Jennifer: I dont have time for the pie thing, David

David: You don't want it..no...yeah I'll take the job"


"David: This is the accounts department, the number bods. Do not be fooled by their job descriptions, they are absolutely mad, all of 'em. Especially that one, he's mental. Not literally of course, that wouldn't work."


"Tim: Slough's nightlife is incredible; it's got two nightclubs, it's got Chasers and New York, New York. They call it the nightclub that never sleeps. That closes at one. There was, oh my god, a themed nightclub called Henry the Eights. This was incredible. It had the Anne Bol-inn, this is true, as you went into the loo, there was a sign that said mind your head, nice, and underneath someone had written 'And don't get your Hampton Court.' It's not there any more. But not a day goes by that I don't think about it."

Brainwrong

I hope your mother dies in a freak yachting accident.

Did he just say make fuck?

Roger Roger,  whats our Vector Victor?

Is this cool? Is it? Is this cool? Is it? Is it?!

I should be given a bravery award for that, no seriously, it was textbook.


Anyone get all them quotes and i'll send you a special hat.

Hoogstraten'sSmilingUlcer

"...but I really lost my faith when he farted on my balls."

"My cock up, your arse!" (just about the only funny bit in The Thin Blue Line).

"Take her off the monitor, I don't want to see her face!"

Si

"You can't even drive!!! What are you?  Steeeewwwpid??"

"Don't draw a cock!"

"Lynne....Lynne.....I've eaten a lot of Toblerone"

"SORRY BEHAAAAAAVE.....DUNNO WHAT CAME OVER MEEEEEEE!!"

"Assistant.....do you have any eggs?  ANSWER ME!!"

"I'm anaspetic, prasmodic, even compunctuous to have have caused you such pericombobulations"

"Dingo Wucker, Millionaire and ordinary fella,G'DAY"  "G'Day"  "GDAY", "G'Day"

"We shall talk about subjects far above your head.....poetry.....fine arts....GOLF"

"This is the news.....fact me till I fart"

"Mr.McKenna, you are well known as a TV hypnotist, so maybe you can answer this question:  Are peanuts soluble?"

"Is that white wine?"
"No, actually it's colourless, you're thinking of milk"

"Long haired poof"
"You wouldn't say it to his face though would you"
"I know"
"Well, don't say it here then"
"OK I won't"

"Name something white that you eat"
"Wool!  Cotton wool!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not all of them work out of context but you'll probably already know the context so they'll erm work or whatever.

Darrell

What was wrong with Random Comedy Moments?

Ambient Sheep

"It's spelt Luxury-Yacht, but it's pronounced Throatwobbler-Mangrove."
"You're a very silly man and I'm not going to interview you."

Brainwrong

'Don't smile, you've broken your neck.'

Vermschneid Mehearties

Quote"My cock up, your arse!" (just about the only funny bit in The Thin Blue Line).

*slow monotonous grunt*

"Eugene Fraxby went 'Toireland' where he done this."

"Screaming girls....statues driving CARS.....WHAT'S GOING ON?"

"Did you tape over The Spy Who Loved Me with America's Strongest Man?

Yes.

WELL NOW YOU'VE GOT NORFOLKS MADDEST MAN!"

"I wanted to watch Roger Moore necking with Fiona Fullerton. Instead I have to watch Michael Bolton lookalikes throwing an oven over bails of hay."

weekender

Quote from: "Vermschneid Mehearties"
"Eugene Fraxby went 'Toireland' where he done this."

*bangs head*
*bangs head*
*bangs head*
*bangs head*
*bangs head*
*bangs head*
*bangs head*
*bangs head*
*bangs head*
*bangs head*
*bangs head*
*bangs head*

hamburger stands

I'm blind, but I'm able to read thanks to a remarkable system called Broil.

I'm sorry, I'll just feel that again...

Brainwrong

Quote from: "Darrell"What was wrong with Random Comedy Moments?

Don't really know, but don't like it!

Ambient Sheep

Quote from: "Brainwrong"
Quote from: "Darrell"What was wrong with Random Comedy Moments?
Don't really know, but don't like it!
"He said 'I don't like it, but I'll have to go along with it.' "  ;-)

I Am The Walrus

"It's very hard to put your finger on a woman....'s quality, you admire the most"

"When will they learn? Consignia and Scope, It's the post office and the spastics society!"

"I like to think of myself as a healthy testicle"

"They cleary have a technology way in advance of our own!

So do the Albanian state wahing company!"

"...people less educated, less stable than me, buliders for example or blacks"

"Yes he's in Cats!

Oh, poor bugger

No, the musical Cats

I know what you said!"

lost in cress

Peter Serafinowicz's showbiz manager in 15 Storeys High:
"I've come up with a name for the band. Wanna hear it? Boys So Cool. Yeah? Say it fast, it sounds like bicycle. Boys So Cool"
"That is shit"
"Okay. How about...Chestnuts"

It's a bit like that, anyway.

Lumiere

Morris: It's because it's on tape, Peter. (soothing tone)
Baynham: Shit.

WoShade

A. Bastard chips in:
If there's one thing I can't stand, I can't stand up.
They're very thorough down the day centre. They cleaned one old man to death.
(of a social worker) I showed 'er me bum the other day. She pretended she hadn't  seen it but I could see her licking her lips.

And
It's not gonna work on a Thursday.
I remember when all this was Perkins. And then the Perkins came...

Brainwrong

Good to see plenty of IAP2 quotes. After repeat viewings I much prefer it over both other series of Alan.
(better attach my safety gear)

Brainwrong

Dan trying to pull Alan away from Karen 'Colemans Mustard' Coleman is one of my favourite exchanges...


Anyway Alan Partridge, I arrest you on suspicion of sucking upto a mustard magnet.

- You're not a copper.

Its a citezens arrest

- I'll shoot you then, Bang!

I've got a bullet proof blazer

- I'll go for a head shot.

I'm the terminator, you can't kill me!

- I've got your kids, Dan. I've got your kids.