Bleak Facebook Statuses

[billyandthecloneasaurus]

These are all posted from the same girl's facebook profile.


July 28th - 'Misses her baby boyyy soooooooooooo much want u bk here wiv me I hate us being apart ring me babycakes xxxxx — with (name of some bloke).'

July 31st - 'So glad we bk together love u millions my sexy man love u for life xxxxxx — with (same bloke tagged).

later on the same day - 'Just want my man back here with me and his child where he belongs we were so happy last nite back in our home dunno wot keeps goin wrong just wish we cud be happy like we were a couple of months ago  x — with (same again).'

August 4th - (same bloke) and her Got Engaged

August 5th - 'Wishes she was loved :('

August 7th - 'I'm sorry for ruining your life I will always love u I still do more than anythin this is killing me babes but I'm sorry for wrecking your life xxxx — with (same bloke tagged).'

October 1st - They're set as being in a 'complicated relationship'

October 2nd - Set as being engaged again

October 7th - 'Hate my life right now everythin is fallin apart just don't know wat the point is anymore'

Nowt much else posted since then, but apparently she's up to level 35 on 'criminal case'.

[Kane Jones]

My big half brother (not Kane) posts some of the most horrible reactionary shit ever. Eg: "I'm English, not British, not European. Repost this if you're English and proud..... Yawn.....  And Muslims banning Christmas is another recent ridiculousness. Needless to say, I am ashamed to be related to him....

Haha.. Bit cunty of me, but did you see my obvious reaction to that yesterday, sis?  Well, it made a very sour moment a little sweeter for me anyway.

[billtheburger]

Haha.. Bit cunty of me, but did you see my obvious reaction to that yesterday, sis?  Well, it made a very sour moment a little sweeter for me anyway.

This is like one of those mysterious Facebook updates.
"Oooo, hark at us on facebook - and only we know what we're going on about"

[Kane Jones]

This is like one of those mysterious Facebook updates.
"Oooo, hark at us on facebook - and only we know what we're going on about"

Yeah, you're right.  Sorry about that.

[chand]

"Short but accurate from the consistently excellent Rod Liddle" accompanying a link to a Rod Liddle article.

"According to Obama, Thatcher's achievement was that she was a woman. Presumably because all he's achieved is being black"

"Myself with the famous Peter Hitchens." accompanying a picture of him with Peter Hitchens.

[phes]

Has the beginning of a chest infection. Sleeping upright tonight then. Great!  (BE THE FIRST PERSON TO LIKE THIS)

Oh go on then. Hahahahahahaha.

[hayduke_lives]

Just wanted to shoehorn in a special mention of those pictures of quotes women put up (yet to see a male equivalent). 

They tend to start with 'I may not be a size zero, and yeah, sometimes I'm short tempered, but...' and by the time I've finished reading them (could just stop, but, you know, death instinct) I'm usually thinking 'Well there's no way Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn ever said that, and you sound like a total nightmare.'

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Myself with the famous Peter Hitchens." accompanying a picture of him with Peter Hitchens.

I didn't know you were friends with graffic! I love the prefix 'famous'. Generally with famous people you don't need to instruct people of that fact.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

If my daughter ever posts anything like this when she is old enough to have a Facebook account, I will instantly disown her.

Lenient if anything.

[chand]

I didn't know you were friends with graffic! I love the prefix 'famous'. Generally with famous people you don't need to instruct people of that fact.

This is the guy who added me on FB because we share a really rare name (we're the only two on Facebook). He has long hair and wears vaguely gothy make-up but is militantly conservative, it's a weird look. He genuinely respects James Delingpole and Toby Young and will defend Fox News and the Mail to the hilt. I should get rid of him but I find it fascinating, he's basically my evil twin. Far as I can tell his only two interests are libertarian conservatism and pro wrestling.

[Kane Jones]

I love the prefix 'famous'. Generally with famous people you don't need to instruct people of that fact.

Similarly, I hate it on quiz shows when the contestant is asked a question about a musician or pop star, and they answer; "Oh yes, that's the inimitable Roger Daltry", implying that that they both a) know the answer, and b) are fans of their work.  It happens on Ken Bruce's Popmaster all the time, and it really grinds my gears.

[checkoutgirl]

they get pretty excited when their one dude is in a film.

Pathetic. "I fancy such and such an actor." Fuck off you cunt. How is that an interesting conversation? I can't drink enough booze to make me interested in the fact that you fancy an actor.

[billtheburger]

Unless you look like that actor.

[checkoutgirl]

October 1st - They're set as being in a 'complicated relationship'

Urrgh. Fuckin' just.....This thread is infuriating. There's nothing remotely complicated about any of these people. They aspire to be complicated because they're so fucking simple.

[checkoutgirl]

Unless you look like that actor.

Well, I don't like to brag but I have been compared to a young Marty Feldman.

[Pancake]

"SOME PEOPLE need to stop being two faced #angryrightnow"

[billtheburger]

Today's lunch break bleak:
Sign this petition to get Amazon to stop selling this book.

[WesterlyWinds]

I feel like I am missing out by having unsubscribed to 90% of my friends updates. Is there a list somewhere on my Facebook that will let me resubscribe to them to wallow in bleakness?

[thraxx]

If my daughter ever posts anything like this when she is old enough to have a Facebook account, I will instantly disown her.

If my daughter ever DOESN'T post anything like that when she's is old enough I will instantly disown her.

[Thomas]

Today's lunch break bleak:
Sign this petition to get Amazon to stop selling this book.

The Blurred Lines novelisation?

[WesterlyWinds]

If my daughter ever posts anything like this when she is old enough to have a Facebook account, I will instantly disown her.

And I will be there, ready to replace you as her King.

[WesterlyWinds]

~

[billtheburger]

The Blurred Lines novelisation?

Apt title for the outspoken privileged to demand censorship.

But no, it was some book about bringing up kids.

[billyandthecloneasaurus]

"SOME PEOPLE need to stop being two faced #angryrightnow"

inbox me babe xx

[BritishHobo]

Not a status update as such, but real. All too real.

Where is this magical nudey Christian camp?

[Brunette Romana 2]

Haha.. Bit cunty of me, but did you see my obvious reaction to that yesterday, sis?  Well, it made a very sour moment a little sweeter for me anyway.

Ha ha! I did and thought it must be a direct response to his earlier status. Very cheeky!

This is like one of those mysterious Facebook updates.
"Oooo, hark at us on facebook - and only we know what we're going on about"

It is. Yes. :-P

Wasn't it something like "If you're posting that bollocks about Muslims cancelling Christmas, you should have a good look at yourself" something like that anyway.

My step daughter is coming up 13 and she has embraced the fucking hash tag #OMGamirite etc, ad nauseum.

The other awful thing her and her peers seem to do is post things like "like for rating" etc and then they proceed to score each other out of fucking ten. Then they comment on the scores... " Aw thx bbe. U 2 <3 <3"

Speak[nb]write[/nb]FUCKING ENGLISH!!!! Aargh!!!!

[WesterlyWinds]

~

[Bored of Canada]

There was a sleazy dude with lax privacy settings, back when I was at high-school. We all used to follow him because everything he posted was utterly bleak and absolute genius. His entire wall was covered in posts from attractive women from all across town saying, "Hey thanks for the add but do I know you? :)".

I haven't read a status from him in a long time. Just went back and found this lovely one:

why da fuk da chick were streatches, dey only look good on boiz dey look like shit on sluts

Streatches is supposed to be stretchers. The kind of plug earing thing that stretches out the lobe. Very big in my town at the time.

He also did one of those confession chain letter things thay spread on facebook. His second answer was perplexing:

confession 2; i never whear a conny but never jizz in em

A little bit harder to deconstruct, but I think he means that he doesn't wear a condom during sex, but there's nothing to fear as he withdraws his tumescent, quivering penis before he ejaculates.

[Brunette Romana 2]

BoC ; that last, beautiful translation of your Facebook pal's message to us all actually near killed me.

I am enjoying my lunch, browsing CaB and near choked when I read the aforementioned post.

Still, what a way to go, eh?! What a way to go.....

[phes]

Just stepped in dog shit. Please can people clear up after their dogs

This bleak stuff is what keeps me on facebook.