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Bleak Facebook Statuses

Started by Noodle Lizard, November 06, 2013, 09:28:14 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Noodle Lizard

QuoteThere is a solo chocolate cookie here that I can't eat but I doubt it will be here later....so I have licked the back of it....so when you gloat about having the last cookie, I have the last laugh because I LICKED IT FIRST & YOU ATE IT AFTER! YOU ARE THE GROSS ONE NOT ME!

♪  This is what you get ... ♪

Utter Shit

Just had a quick browse on my Facebook and other than the perpetuation of the Bitstrip things which somehow still continue even though everyone is openly attacking anyone who posts them, there's nothing that bad. A rare moment of relative quality.

Kane Jones

QuoteThanks tesco!!

Thread winner, surely?

Genevieve

"Had a fun day, the highlight was getting the landy ready for MOT!"  I'd been on a date with him. 

(I think his ruse was to prevent me leaving a comment on his wall: "hey I had fun" [didn't], because I later found out he was married.)

I also saw a "Thanks Tesco" on someone's fb recently, they'd got some money off.  Can't remember who I looked up.

Glebe



momatt

I am going to make a fake Facebook account and tell all these tedious wankers what I think of them.
I realise that this is possibly worse than them and definitely quite cowardly, but it'll amuse me no end.

momatt

Quote from: Pancake on November 07, 2013, 01:19:04 PM
"SOME PEOPLE need to stop being two faced #angryrightnow"

What about us siamese twins you cunt!

Noodle Lizard

Quotebradford.... here we come....

Cerys

Quote from: Brunette Romana 2 on November 07, 2013, 02:16:46 PM
Speak FUCKING ENGLISH!!!! Aargh!!!!

Do you really want thirteen-year-olds speaking Fucking English?

amnesiac

I don't have the Facebook so I very much enjoy reading about it although I am not one of those people who are smug about it. Also Twitter. I am on LinkedIn but there's not much sex on there.

Brunette Romana 2

Quote from: Cerys on November 07, 2013, 05:05:35 PM
Do you really want thirteen-year-olds speaking Fucking English?

Heh, no, probably not. I used to be an English Teacher. I have found it very hard to let go...

madhair60

Every single Facebook status is bleak. Just people recounting falsified descriptions of encounters they've had that day, in which they've portrayed themselves as calm and controlled and their opponent as a MANIAC WHO SCREAMS IN ALL CAPS. Everyone's just a lying cunt.

robotam


poo

I deleted my Facebook account and started a fake one based on an obscure criminal character from an episode of Miami Vice who is now a taxi driver in Wales. Got hundreds of friends. People I know well even ask him about booking taxis. He gets invites to parties and shit and even some direct messages. This despite blatant references to Miami Vice and status updates about the Floridian criminal underworld. 'Kin TARDS!

Quote from: poo on November 07, 2013, 05:40:50 PM
I deleted my Facebook account and started a fake one based on an obscure criminal character from an episode of Miami Vice who is now a taxi driver in Wales. Got hundreds of friends. People I know well even ask him about booking taxis. He gets invites to parties and shit and even some direct messages. This despite blatant references to Miami Vice and status updates about the Floridian criminal underworld. 'Kin TARDS!

Noooooooogie's Cabs? Is it Noogie? I'd love for him to get his happy ending.

Thomas

My friend David and I love those weird Facebook pages with blurry pictures and strange status updates, so we worked incredibly hard to create one of our own. Most of the updates are from ol' David.[nb]we made this one, too. And this. And a favourite, here. One of David's friends was berating him for making stupid Facebook pages, so we set up loads.[/nb]

It was chiefly inspired by this page and its captioned photos.

schnoob

Quote from: Thomas on November 08, 2013, 12:39:16 AM
My friend David and I love those weird Facebook pages with blurry pictures and strange status updates, so we worked incredibly hard to create one of our own. Most of the updates are from ol' David.

That was perfect!

"sniff woman"


Thomas


phes

#80
I dunno if statuses that aren't bleak has any legs. My younger brother was brain damaged at birth and it really is a bit of a miracle that he learned to walk and talk and live a fairly independent life. He has a way with words and his statuses, which tend to look quite stream of consciousness because he can't punctuate, always take the edge off the bleak keeping up with the Jones's updates that swamp my feed.

Quotein Owens having pint watching football idiots fighting here come rozzer van in back you go goodby idiots

cosmic-hearse

"Got home....fell asleep....got woken up by the police! ....I just can't help but laugh at the irony that they were called by the dirty junk flatmate's. Funny how I'm expected to " like" her when her own flesh and blood can't stand her!! And the fact she don't give a shit about her own kid makes me laugh!!!!!!"

There's lots to extrapolate from this one... it's from one of those 'friends' that are just people you went to school with & don't really keep in contact with, so I have no idea of the context of this, but it has more than a hint of bleak.

momatt

Quotein Owens having pint watching football idiots fighting here come rozzer van in back you go goodby idiots

That's excellent, like something from a Jam monologue.  I mean that as a complement, I think.

DrunkCountry

Not bleak, as such, but this just happened right before my eyes.


Noodle Lizard

Quote from: DrunkCountry on November 08, 2013, 08:21:18 PM
Not bleak, as such, but this just happened right before my eyes.



... maybe I've got a blind spot here, but why would his knuckles be raw?

Morrison Lard

..from dragging on the floor.
He lives near Cardiff.

DukeDeMondo

Quote from: Noodle Lizard on November 08, 2013, 08:24:21 PM
... maybe I've got a blind spot here, but why would his knuckles be raw?

Cause he's sticking his fist in his mouth to keep from letting out the sort of yawp that would blow every pre-shift vowel on Facebook to Kingdom Come. Hopefully via the skulls of the stupid boots that plonked them down there in the first place. And thank God for that. I for one am very scared of him. 

DrunkCountry

Quote from: Morrison Lard on November 08, 2013, 08:25:14 PM
..from dragging on the floor.
He lives near Cardiff.

Is that a sheepdoggy-style joke?

Bobby Treetops

#88
This



I was going to write this in their Facebook statues.

"Now I understand the sentiment that if let your kids do exactly want they want and have complete lack of respect for you or anyone else, then they'll probably turn out to be little cunts. But what you're inadvertently saying here is that if you'd behaved in the same manner, then your parents would have beaten you to death e.g. 'wouldn't be here to share this status'."

But as it was my aunt, I thought better of it....

Icehaven

I'm supposed to be meeting an old mate who moved to Ireland a few years ago for a drink tomorrow, as he's back in England for a few days. However I've just seen his wife's fb status update suggesting she's unwell and it's even worse as her husband is out of the country. So...should use this as the excuse I need to not to bother washing my hair as it's looking like he's likely to cancel?

He didn't move to Ireland for a drink, by the way, a few years ago or tomorrow, although that would, if all the lazy cliches are to be believed, have been appropriate motivation. It's just that I can't really very well construct sentences.