Author Topic: Jim Davidson Quest  (Read 7053 times)

Theremin

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Jim Davidson Quest
« on: November 11, 2013, 09:38:17 PM »
Hello everyone! Let's play Jim Davidson Quest.

A quest is a role-playing game in which you, the people of CaB, take on the persona of a fictional person in a world I describe. The point of the game is to complete your character's goals, in whatever manner you see fit.

Sometimes, in order to complete a difficult task, I'll ask you to roll a six-sided dice, using (http://www.roll-dice-online.com/), and then post the result.

1-2 = Failure, 3-4 = Partial Success, 5-6 = Complete Success

***

You are Jim Davidson, 59-year-old entertainer, comedian, and podcast impresario.

Despite hosting such 80's gems as Big Break, and The Generation Game, your showbiz star has faded in recent years, and you now find yourself playing Buttons, the lead character in your 18+ pantomime show, Sinderella.

Currently, the Sinderella roadshow has stopped in Edinburgh, and you find yourself inside your hotel room, stomach rumbling, with 6 hours until showtime.

You are Jim Davidson.

What do you do?

***

Hit Points: 5

GOALS:

- Get Breakfast

- Get Some Cash

- Get Back on Telly


BritishHobo

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2013, 09:45:28 PM »
Get Breakfast

Cleaners From Venus

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2013, 09:47:34 PM »
Kill Jester.

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2013, 09:49:36 PM »
You look across the street, and see a small cafe named 'TATTY'S TEA SHOP'.

Deciding this will do, you stride across the busy crossing, grey linen trousers flapping attractively in the breeze.

You enter TATTY'S, only to find a long line in front of the counter, at least 6 or 7 people.

Your stomach rumbles again.

What do you do?

Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2013, 09:51:53 PM »
Move counter.

Consignia

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #5 on: November 11, 2013, 09:53:19 PM »
xyzzy

AlanB

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #6 on: November 11, 2013, 09:54:14 PM »
>Check Inventory

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #7 on: November 11, 2013, 09:54:58 PM »
Move counter.

You shove the people in front of you (probably asylum seekers) aside, and place yourself in front of the counter, opposite a mildly-annoyed looking Scottish clerk.

You mentally note that he has failed to say 'hello' to you.

Nevertheless, in order to get to the breakfast society owes you, you are going to move that counter.

Roll!

Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #8 on: November 11, 2013, 09:55:53 PM »
*spellcast/ "Summon Chalkie White"

Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #9 on: November 11, 2013, 09:56:59 PM »
5

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #10 on: November 11, 2013, 10:01:40 PM »
5

Success!

You grab the edges of the counter, grit your teeth, and dig your heels in. The people around you look bemused, then alarmed.

A sound of splintering wood fills the air as you heave the entire counter surface (including cash register, cake display, and small decorative figurine of Nessie) clean off the floor, and flip it over.

The clerk has retreated to the back wall now, gazing at you in fear. Most of the customers have fled.

Your stomach rumbles. The path to the kitchen is now clear.

What do you do?

AlanB

  • Wizard of Loneliness
Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #11 on: November 11, 2013, 10:03:10 PM »
>Eat Nessie

Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #12 on: November 11, 2013, 10:05:13 PM »
1

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #13 on: November 11, 2013, 10:05:21 PM »
>Eat Nessie

The smell of bacon and eggs is enticing, but what really catches your eye is the small decorative figurine of Nessie.

Smiling, green, and glinting slightly in the light, it just looks so...appetising.

Roll to eat it.

Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #14 on: November 11, 2013, 10:06:09 PM »
1 godammit. 1.

1.

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #15 on: November 11, 2013, 10:09:19 PM »
1 godammit. 1.

1.

Critical failure.

You jam the grinning plastic dinosaur in your aging comedian's maw, and attempt to swallow. The pointed flippers catch in your throat almost immediately, and you dry heave, the perky toy clattering to the floor.

Behind you, a small crowd is gathering outside the door.

The smell of bacon lingers in the air. A Scottish clerk weeps quietly.

Your stomach rumbles.

What do you do?

Consignia

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #16 on: November 11, 2013, 10:12:08 PM »
Play Pocket Snooker.

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #17 on: November 11, 2013, 10:16:46 PM »
Play Pocket Snooker.

Bah! These Scottish peasants (or 'North Gypsies') obviously have no idea how to cook a decent English breakfast.

You stalk outside, back towards the hotel. Your stomach still rumbles, but a little light public masturbation is sure to take your mind off things.

You continue down the road, left hand firmly ensconced in spacious pocket, tugging away at your man's member.

You are Jim Davidson. Your pantomime starts in 5 hours.

What do you do?


GOALS:

- Get Some Cash

- Get Back on The Telly

Santa's Boyfriend

  • 'S all in the game, yo
Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #18 on: November 11, 2013, 10:20:59 PM »
Go right.

[drum roll]

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #19 on: November 11, 2013, 10:26:23 PM »
Go right.

[drum roll]

You turn right, heading down an alleyway beside your hotel.

It is slightly dark, and smells of Scottish urine. "The worst kind." you grunt to yourself as Little Jim reaches full girth.

However, because this is Edinburgh, the alleyway has been turned into an impromptu theatre space by some Drama students, staging an impromptu performance of Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?

The leader, a boy in large glasses and ironic moustache, beckons you over to the audience area.

What do you do?

thenoise

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #20 on: November 11, 2013, 10:27:28 PM »
> Call him a shirtlifter

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #21 on: November 11, 2013, 10:31:19 PM »
> Call him a shirtlifter

"Get away, yah bloody sheertliftah!" you cry, tripping over a blue-haired girl, who had been lying on the floor, representing grief.

You stumble onto the stage area, maintaining eye contact with the boy, furiously masturbating through your trousers, and throwing out several more choice insults, such as "Pouffe", "Boy Dyke", and your personal favourite, "Bum Gypsy".

What do you do?

Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #22 on: November 11, 2013, 10:33:12 PM »
Backflip shit.

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #23 on: November 11, 2013, 10:35:44 PM »
Backflip shit.

The play has now stopped entirely, as all members of the cast (who are also the audience) stare at the shouting man who has just invaded the stage.

Sensing danger, you decide to win them over with an old vaudeville trick taught to you by Bruce Forsyth, during a candid moment.

Roll to do a backflip.

Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #24 on: November 11, 2013, 10:41:29 PM »
3

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #25 on: November 11, 2013, 10:48:09 PM »
3

Partial Success!

Tensing your powerful thighs, honed from years of pratfalls, you propel yourself into the air, straight upwards, and heave your frame in a graceful 360 degree arc, over the heads of the amazed students.

Unfortunately, you land badly on the side of your foot, and a sickening crunch ripples up your right leg. Luckily, the mixture of anti-queer rage and sexual ecstasy prevent you from crying out.

Slowly, you hear applause rise around you. The students loved your performance, and hail it as experimental 'art-theatre-comedy-satire'. They want to introduce you to their Professor.

You are Jim Davidson. You are being led to the University of Edinburgh to meet an art Teacher. You might have a broken foot. You will also ejaculate soon.

What do you do?

Consignia

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #26 on: November 11, 2013, 10:49:13 PM »
Spell casting "S-U-M-M-O-N-J-O-H-N-V-I-R-G-O"

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #27 on: November 11, 2013, 10:52:56 PM »
Spell casting "S-U-M-M-O-N-J-O-H-N-V-I-R-G-O"

As the boy in glasses leads you, hobbling, towards the art department of Edinburgh University, you feel a cold fear course through you.

A university? In Scotland? This is no place for any right-thinking, god-fearing Englishman to be! As soon as you enter that office, they'll sense blood in the water and tear you apart.

Panicking, you begin mumbling the words to the sacred incantation that was entrusted to you, for use only in times of abject peril.

Roll to Summon John Virgo, Snooker Player

thenoise

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #28 on: November 11, 2013, 11:14:12 PM »
6

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #29 on: November 11, 2013, 11:18:31 PM »
6

Exceptional Success!

The eldritch syllables spill forth from your lips, and smoke begins to cloud the corridor. The university students are startled by a sudden bolt of lightning from the corner of the room, followed by a dark figure who appears to crawl out from the nonexistent space where two walls meet.

The figure stands, pulling himself to his full height. It is John Virgo, impeccably clad in a tuxedo, holding a snooker cue.

"Hello, Jim!" he says. "What's the matter, mate?"

What do you do?