Jim Davidson Quest

[Old Thrashbarg]

Ejaculate on Virgo's waistcoat.

Edit: If only more pages started this way...

[Theremin]

Ejaculate on Virgo's waistcoat.

As the friendly words leave John Virgo's nice mouth, his bearded appearance gives you the push you need to reach climax.

You tear Little Jim free from his grey linen prison and point him squarely at your dearest friend's centre-mass.

Roll to aim semen.

[Old Thrashbarg]

4

[Theremin]

4

Partial Success!

A arc of pure white Davidson rips through the air, cutting a line across John Virgo's tailored waistcoat as if God himself had become displeased with it, and decided to cross out the offending article with seminal fluid.

However, who should walk in at this moment, but the new Commissioning Editor of BBC2! He's at the university to give a talk on why it's important to pander to people.

What do you do?

[thenoise]

do freemasons handshake

[Theremin]

do freemasons handshake

(OH, GOOD ONE!)

The Commissioning Editor stops mid-stride, his eyes glued to the glistening tip of the light-entertainer's penis that has just hoved into view.

"This looks bad, Jim." You think to yourself. "The bloody Guardian will have a field day! They'll never understand the simple pleasure of ejaculating on an old snooker friend. They're bound to weedle out some tenuous queer connotation. Then Jethro will stop speaking to us again."

Luckily, you remember that all members of the BBC are Freemasons, and bound confidently over, cock out, and attempt the Freemason's handshake (which you learned from Jimmy Tarbuck).

Roll to do Freemason's Handshake.

[Hank Venture]

6.

YES!!!

[Theremin]

6.

YES!!!

Exceptional Success!

You deftly tickle the fingers of the BBC Exec into the secret symbols of Freemasonry.

He warms to you immediately, greeting you like an old friend, even nonchalantly zipping up your flies and putting your pecker away.

Through conversation, he finds out you are performing in 'Sinderella' tonight, and offers to come along to see if you've "Still got it, old chap!".

John Virgo stands in the corner, patiently cleaning himself up. The students are furiously taking notes on what they just saw, and how to adapt it into a thought piece for the next Fringe.

What do you do?

[Hangthebuggers]

Call the students 'shirkers' and that 'they should get a job'

[Theremin]

Call the students 'shirkers and to get a job'

Surrounded by friends, and self-confidence restored, you round on the students who dragged you to this unsightly pit of learning.

"Bloody shirkers, you should get a job!" you shout, wittily, in the face of the boy you earlier called a shirtlifter.

He shrinks into himself, muttering something about the value of knowledge, and (you presume) men's bottoms.

Your stomach rumbles. It is 3 hours until your pantomime.

What do you do?

[Old Thrashbarg]

Offer to buy dinner for the BBC Exec. With Virgo's money.

[Theremin]

Offer to buy dinner for the BBC Exec. With Virgo's money.

You throw your arm around your old pal, John Virgo.

"John," you say, "mate, why don't we all go out for a dinner and a slap-up feed? This could be our Big Break Mark 2!"

John looks unsure. Possibly because you ejaculated on him.

"Unfortunately," you add "I'm a bit strapped for cash right now."

Roll to charm John Virgo.

[Old Thrashbarg]

3

[Theremin]

3

Partial Success!

"Alright, Jim." John Virgo concludes, "I'll get this one. But you owe me big for later!"

He places a wad of cash into your hands, and vanishes in a puff of snooker, back to the ethereal realm you summoned him from.

You turn to the BBC Exec.

"Dinner?" You grin. "I know a great place just down the road. No ramps at all."

"Sounds lovely, but was that last bit?" The Exec asks.

"Nothing." You say, and lead him out the door.

*** END OF PART ONE***

Results:

+ Completed: Get Breakfast

+ Completed: Get Some Cash

+ New Ally: BBC Exec

- Your Foot Might Be Broken

- You Owe John Virgo a Blood Favour

[Theremin]

Thanks everyone for taking part in Jim Davidson Quest!

We'll resume tomorrow night, but in the meantime, if you have any comments, feedback, or suggestions, feel free to post them here.

Ta!

[Hangthebuggers]

As mentioned earlier, I'd be interested to see what is in Jim Davidson's inventory.

[Theremin]

Ah, no worries. I'll sum it up at the start of the next one.

[JesusAndYourBush]

EDIT: Disregard, I didn't see there was a 2nd page.

[Glebe]

I'll turn left and fight the Romany beggar woman. Loose 2 stamina points.

[billyandthecloneasaurus]

I just read this thread and i'm crying with laughter, dunno why.

[hedgehog90]

Get investigated by Operation Yewtree. Go to jail and do not pass go.

[hedgehog90]

I just read this thread and i'm crying with laughter, dunno why.

Lying in bed stifling laughter and making weird snorting noises. Tears also.
Theremin directed it perfectly.

[thenoise]

And Jim Davidson's awful podcast made the perfect soundtrack :D

[jutl]

Peter Greenaway sits down and starts singing about decomposing swans.

[Epic Bisto]

This thread is beautiful.

[Glebe]

You roll a 9 on the 12-sided octahedron.

You choose to enter the Theatre of Pantomimeum. You encounter a strange genie, and are about to do a blue joke when you spot a young girl in the audience. Normally you wouldn't care, but your Emotion Levels are currently at +10, and you decide not to do the potential-offensive material. Add 2 Strength Points and 1 Luck Point.

[Lyfjaberg]

I am confused as to why anyone would summon John Virgo in order to ejaculate all over him so straightforwardly.

Surely you'd set up some immaculate trick shot while leaning over a large table, bouncing the semen off a number of shiny balls before it lands in the pocket.

[JesusAndYourBush]

Completed: Get Breakfast

Not so fast!

You turn to the BBC Exec.

"Dinner?" You grin. "I know a great place just down the road. No ramps at all."

"Sounds lovely, but was that last bit?" The Exec asks.

"Nothing." You say, and lead him out the door.

Halfway down the street you see the local hostelry and dash inside shouting "Follow me, the drinks are on me".

***A rumbling stomach and less than 3 hours until curtain up. What could go wrong!***

[BritishHobo]

If we can't trust the game, who can we trust?

[Theremin]

Apologies, but Jim Davidson Quest has been postponed until tomorrow, due to my stand-up gig being really bloody far away.