Author Topic: Jim Davidson Quest  (Read 6983 times)

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #60 on: November 13, 2013, 10:14:04 PM »
Hello everyone! This is Part 2 of Jim Davidson Quest.

To recap, a quest is a role-playing game in which you, the people of CaB, take on the persona of a fictional person in a world I describe. The point of the game is to complete your character's goals, in whatever manner you see fit.

Sometimes, in order to complete a difficult task, I'll ask you to roll a six-sided dice, using (http://www.roll-dice-online.com/), and then post the result.

1-2 = Failure, 3-4 = Partial Success, 5-6 = Complete Success

***

You are Jim Davidson, 59-year-old media darling, lady killer, and podcast raconteur.

You are in Edinburgh, touring your self-penned 18+ pantomime, Sinderella, in which you play Buttons ('Sluttons').

This morning, you successfully charmed the Commissioning Editor of BBC2, after convincing John Virgo to pay for a slap-up meal. He is coming to watch your pantomime tonight, to see if "You've still got what it takes, Jezza! (Jizza)". Unfortunately, you also broke your right foot, and have a one-hour stage show to complete.

You are inside your dressing room at the theatre. Your right foot is in a cast. There is half an hour until showtime.

You are Jim Davidson.

What do you do?

***

Hit Points: 5

GOALS:

- Complete Sinderella

- Pay Back John Virgo

- Get Back on The Telly

BritishHobo

  • That is a really reductive impression
Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #61 on: November 13, 2013, 10:21:04 PM »
Try and fit in a speedy wank before the show starts.

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #62 on: November 13, 2013, 10:26:05 PM »
Try and fit in a speedy wank before the show starts.

Eyes on the clock, your hand drops immediately to your itching groin.

Your costume takes about 5 minutes to get on, you've still got some lines to learn, and there's a pretty saucy-looking Great British Bake-Off coming up on the telly in your dressing room.

You think that if you really try, you've probably got time to crack out a crafty one.

Roll to wank quickly.

Lyfjaberg

  • Eating eggs is cannibalism
Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #63 on: November 13, 2013, 10:29:27 PM »
2

role-playing
Too-dee-doo I am a janitor cleaning backstage I am excited to be around Jim Davidson he is my favourite.

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #64 on: November 13, 2013, 10:32:30 PM »
2

Failure

Despite your best efforts, it takes you a good while to goad Little Jim into tumescence. By the time the pretty contestants have begun to cream their buns (you make a mental note of the possible hilarious double meaning), someone has begun to knock loudly on your stage door.

"JIM. JIM." the muffled voice says. "It's 5 minutes until showtime, what are you to?!"

What do you do?

Lyfjaberg

  • Eating eggs is cannibalism
Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #65 on: November 13, 2013, 10:36:36 PM »
"JIM. JIM." the muffled voice says. "It's 5 minutes until showtime, what are you to?!"

What do you do?

Make the pantomime a series of real sexual escapades disguised as fake ones, making sure to share the joy of pregnancy with as many as possible.

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #66 on: November 13, 2013, 10:41:37 PM »
Make the pantomime a series of real sexual escapades disguised as fake ones, making sure to share the joy of pregnancy with as many as possible.

You rush to the door, the now-roused mini Davidson standing perfectly to attention.

You fling the door open to see your stage manager, and hurriedly explain your ideas for several proposed changes to the pantomime, words tumbling out of your lust-addled brain like turds from a dog's arse.

"Or immigrants from a lorry." you think, between foul gestures.

Roll to convince stage manager.

Hangthebuggers

  • Coulda, woulda, shoulda
Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #67 on: November 13, 2013, 10:58:40 PM »
1.

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #68 on: November 13, 2013, 11:03:38 PM »
1.

Critical Failure

Over the course of your brief monologue, the stage manager's face changes from surprise, to confusion, to anger, and finally to acceptance, before snapping back into anger again.

He rejects your pornographic proposals outright, and turns to leave the room, telling you that he intends to grab Keith 'Understudy' Chegwin from the bar, and give him the quick version of Buttons (Sluttons) lines.

What do you do?

Hangthebuggers

  • Coulda, woulda, shoulda
Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #69 on: November 13, 2013, 11:04:25 PM »
Drag stage manager into dressing room, snarl into his face 'Do you know who I am? I'm Jim Davidson!'


Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #70 on: November 13, 2013, 11:09:57 PM »
Drag stage manager into dressing room, snarl into his face 'Do you know who I am? I'm Jim Davidson!'

As the stage manager turns his back to you (classic queer invitation), you feel your fists clench in rage. This can't be happening. How dare he! Doesn't he know who you are?!

You grab the back of his shirt, and haul him back into the dressing room, using biceps pre-flexed from masturbation. You pin him against the wall using three different appendages, and snarl into his shocked face.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M JIM FUCKING DAVIDSON!" you roar. "EVERYBODY'S PAL!"

Roll to intimidate.



Hangthebuggers

  • Coulda, woulda, shoulda
Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #71 on: November 13, 2013, 11:21:13 PM »
2

Theremin

  • EVERYBODY'S MATE
Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #72 on: November 13, 2013, 11:27:06 PM »
2

Failure

Your red-faced, frothing display utterly fails to intimidate the stage manager.

Instead, he presses his boot firmly down on your broken foot, sending you yelping to the floor.

"JIM." He says. "I don't know what your game is, and I don't care. Just get in your fucking blouse, and get out there. The show starts NOW."

You forlornly slip into your turquoise dinner suit, complete with gold waistcoat, and hobble towards the stage area. You wait in the wings as the audience are seated, and stride (sort of) out to begin, only 5 minutes late.

"Hello, BOYS AND GIRLS!" you begin.

You are Jim Davidson. You are playing the lead in an 18+ pantomime. There is a BBC2 executive watching you in the audience.

What do you do?

Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #73 on: November 13, 2013, 11:30:13 PM »
Stumble over partially remembered lines.

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #74 on: November 13, 2013, 11:35:11 PM »
Stumble over partially remembered lines.

Squinting into the spotlight, you spot a grey blob that could just be Commissioning Editor-shaped, and beam at it.

"BOYS AND GIRLS," you boom, "We've got a fantastic show for you tonight! There's just one problem, though..."

You raise one arm languidly, in the international showbiz gesture for 'sound interested', and the audience reply: "Oh."

"I've lost my Little Willy." You simper, pulling a sad face.

"I..." you freeze. What's the punchline to that bit? You wrack your brains desperately.

Roll to half-remember punchlines.

Small Man Big Horse

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #75 on: November 13, 2013, 11:46:08 PM »
3

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #76 on: November 13, 2013, 11:52:37 PM »
3

Partial Success!

"I've lost my Little Willy..." you repeat, as the next gag slowly forms in your mind. The audience shift in their seats.

"Oh, wait!" You continue, "HERE HIM ARE!"

You jerk your head stage left, just in time to see Keith Chegwin bound on stage in dog ears and a painted nose. You were worried at the start of the tour that Cheggers might be angling for your part, but the little fella just seems happy to be out of the house.

"Hello, Sluttons!" Chegwin pipes reedily. "Have you seen Sinderella lately?"

What do you do?

Small Man Big Horse

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #77 on: November 13, 2013, 11:59:38 PM »
Make a poorly timed and insensitive comment about Chegwin's problems with alcohol in the 90s.

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #78 on: November 14, 2013, 12:04:03 AM »
Make a poorly timed and insensitive comment about Chegwin's problems with alcohol in the 90s.

"No, Willy! I haven't seen Sinderella." you begin. "But she's probably not at the bottom of a bottle of Vodka!"

You grin madly at Chegwin's face, which is in the process of crumpling, then turn to face the audience, still beaming. A hush appears to have fallen. In the front row, you catch a glimpse of the BBC Executive, leaning forward, brows knitted in concentration.

What do you do?

Jumble Cashback

  • I bet you never expected to find ME in your urine!
Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #79 on: November 14, 2013, 12:10:53 AM »
Address him directly whenever I deliver the lines I think are the funniest, mentally noting his reaction.

(edit: fixed some pronoun trouble).

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #80 on: November 14, 2013, 12:15:41 AM »
Address him directly whenever you deliver the lines you think are the funniest, mentally noting his reaction.

The panto continues, with the audience gradually warming up, despite the best efforts of that rank-amateur Chegwin, who insists on deliver all his lines into his chest, and gazing silently at the floor.

You'll be damned if you let this Multicoloured Swap-Shop shite ruin your comeback, and make sure to stare him directly in the eyes on every big punchline, willing a reaction out of him.

Roll to snap Cheggers out of it.

Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #81 on: November 14, 2013, 12:18:18 AM »
5

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #82 on: November 14, 2013, 12:26:03 AM »
5

Success!

"I've got you now, you hobbity little bastard." you think to yourself, as Chegwin's miserable facade begins to crack, unable to withstand Sinderella's grand finale, a relentless stream of funny cum gags.

You throw an arm around the now-smiling Chegwin. "Well, BOYS AND GIRLS, we've been in a few sticky situations tonight, but I'm afraid Little Willy and I really must shoot off!."

You lead Chegwin off-stage. The panto's over. The crowd are screaming.

They want an encore.

What do you do?

JesusAndYourBush

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #83 on: November 14, 2013, 12:27:42 AM »
Resurrect your finest creation for the encore: Chalky.

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #84 on: November 14, 2013, 12:33:26 AM »
Resurrect your finest creation for the encore: Chalky.

The sound of the crowd is your ears. The smell of the greasepaint in your nostrils. The stage lights are blinding and heavenly. It is time.

Broken foot forgotten, you stride confidently out onto the stage, and assume the classic position. Shoulders hunched, elbows out, and lips puckered.

"At this time of year," you venture, "We musn't forget our black cousins..."

Roll to see how it goes.

Small Man Big Horse

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #85 on: November 14, 2013, 12:34:29 AM »
6

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #86 on: November 14, 2013, 12:42:20 AM »
6

Exceptional Success!

The crowd (with the exception of a few Guardian types, probably late for an asylum-seeker's organic home-birthing) love you.

The audience are putty in your hands as you reel off race-based witticism after race-based witticism. From the mundane ("You never see a Somalian eat a pear, do you?") to the seasonal ("Round our way, all the naughty black kids get snowballs for christmas. Well, they'd never be able to find coal, would they?"), to the sublime ("Mind you, I reckon the Holy Spirit was one of ours. Who else would get Mary pregnant, then fuck off back to heaven?!"), you have them in stitches.

This may be your best gig ever. At the bar, a crowd of admirers encircle you.

At the edge of the room, you spot the BBC Executive, nursing a gin and lemon.

What do you do?

Small Man Big Horse

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #87 on: November 14, 2013, 12:46:27 AM »
Realise futility of life.

Theremin

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Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #88 on: November 14, 2013, 12:53:30 AM »
Realise futility of life.

Despite the crowd of buxom (including the men) admirers that surround you, your heart, the heart of Jim Davidson, is suddenly filled with a great sadness.

Looking around, the world of professional seasonal theatre seems so hollow. You think back to your earliest childhood memory, presenting the first episode of Big Break alongside your dear friend John Virgo. That's where your heart lies.

You sigh wistfully, "And attractively." you think, noting the presence of several emotionally vulnerable female racists in your immediate vicinity.

"Jim." A voice hisses in your ear. It's John Virgo. "Where's my money, mate?"

What do you do?

Hangthebuggers

  • Coulda, woulda, shoulda
Re: Jim Davidson Quest
« Reply #89 on: November 14, 2013, 12:56:53 AM »
Tell Virgo 'that there's only one way he'll get his money back and that's through a trick shot'.

The BBC exec hasn't noticed Virgo / Jim yet, so now is his chance. Sadly he doesn't have a cue or a ball, but Jim can improvise.

A baguette and a melon from the bar maybe?

Convince Virgo to make a trick shot.

Edit: rolled a 4.