Jim Davidson Quest

[Theremin]

Tell Virgo 'that there's only one way he'll get his money back and that's through a trick shot'.

The BBC exec hasn't noticed Virgo / Jim yet, so now is his chance. Sadly he doesn't have a cue or a ball, but Jim can improvise.

A baguette and a melon from the bar maybe?

Convince Virgo to make a trick shot.

Edit: rolled a 4.

(You pre-rolling shyster.)

As John frantically hisses into your ear a tale of woe involving Wonga.com loan sharks, a plan starts to form in your mind.

You stare at the BBC Exec in the corner. The show went fantastically, but he still seems unconvinced. "Fucking Chegwin." you roar inwardly, baring your teeth as Keith walks in the room, a classic display of alpha male dominance.

But, as you explain to John, if you and he can get a new series of Big Break commissioned, he can pay off any debts incurred from dishonest puppets, and you can escape the provincial panto circuit forever!

There's only one way to catch his attention:

A Trick Shot.

Roll To convince John Virgo

***

Success!

With no snooker table in sight, John hastily improvises a demonstration of the trickiest trick shot known to man:

The Devil's Ballbag.

Taking aim at a lime stolen from behind the bar, John is going to attempt to pot it, using a series of taped-together breadsticks, across the tables, bounced off the ceiling, into the near-empty drink of the BBC Exec, who sits oblivious.

The crowd hush. Sweat drips out of John Virgo's beard, like the underside of an aging chocolate Labrador that's just emerged from an English sea, perhaps near Blackpool.

You are Jim Davidson. You career is riding on this pot.

Roll To see what happens.

[BritishHobo]

6

[Theremin]

6

Exceptional Success!

There is a silence that seems to last a thousand years, broken only by a tiny, Chegwin-based sob.

The coiled muscles of John Virgo's arm rocket forward, the preliminary breadsticks of his makeshift cue buckling, under sheer force of snooker. Nevertheless, the lime hurtles from its shot glass pedestal, flying into the air at a dizzying height (7ft), until it strikes the ceiling with a loud 'THWAP', and falls earthward.

You feel every sphincter in your body tense as that lime falls, like Christ slowly descending from heaven, into the glass of the Commissioning Editor of BBC2.

Plop.

A splash of gin hits the Exec in the face. He turns to see you, Jim Davidson, everybody's pal, laughing, surrounded by friends, and above all, successful.

His wet face creases into a smile, rivulets of gin soaking into his tie.

"Jim." he says, "You've still got it."

***END OF PART TWO***

RESULTS:

+ Completed: Complete Sinderella

+ Completed: Pay Back John Virgo

+ Completed: Get Back on The Telly

- Failed to have a Quick Wank

- Lost a fight with the Stage Manager

[Theremin]

Thanks again everyone for taking part in Jim Davidson Quest!

Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.

[Ein Sof]

This is brilliant! Thanks for the laugh, Theremin. I'm enjoying your descriptive powers too.

[Small Man Big Horse]

Yeah, it's been lovely stuff, thanks for all the hard work put in to it. I hope part 3 finally sees Jim succeed in his masturbatory quest though, no man, especially Jim Davidson, should go too long without release for fear of what they might turn in to.

[Jumble Cashback]

Excellent stuff, Theremin.  Can we expect a new quest sometime soon?  There's Karma in it for you.

[Glebe]

I'm going to Games Workshop to get all my equipment in preparation for the next adventure. If anyone needs dice, score sheets etc. just give me a shout. We can meet up for a pint of real ale.

[Lyfjaberg]

I'm going to Games Workshop to get all my equipment in preparation for the next adventure. If anyone needs dice, score sheets etc. just give me a shout. We can meet up for a pint of real ale.

Can you black up some dwarf figurines to make a crowd of starving Somalians? Chalky can address them with his uplifting, yet simple Gumpesque truisms about being black, poor, and proud.

[Theremin]

If there's enough interest, I might do a new quest next week.

My current ideas:

- NOEL FIELDING QUEST

- PETER KAY QUEST

- RICHARD HERRING QUEST

[Beagle 2]

Got to be Herring Quest. The other two are well-ploughed furrows.

[thenoise]

Jim Davidson is a perfect choice, he's struck me for some time as someone utterly lost and bewildered by a world that he doesn't understand, and that barely understands him.

LOOKING FORWARD TO PART III !

[Jumble Cashback]

Nick Hancock Quest?

[Glebe]

Can you black up some dwarf figurines to make a crowd of starving Somalians? Chalky can address them with his uplifting, yet simple Gumpesque truisms about being black, poor, and proud.

Yes, and you've just reminded me, I'd better pick up some Chalky White (TM). Also need a couple of Chaos Soldiers. And some acne cream.

[hedgehog90]

It's the stumbling oafishness of the fictional Jim Davidson that worked so well.
Richard Herring would be too difficult to make fun of, and I'm afraid a Noel Fielding quest would involve too many capes and flying cartoons.
Peter Kay though, I'm up for some of that... we could make act like a right cunt.
Or, it could be a continuation of the Jim Davidson universe, and this time we get to decide the fate of Cheggars after the panto maybe.

Once it's decided someone should photoshop up a cover featuring the next character and that can be used in the first post of the new thread.
And if it's Peter Kay I'd like this to be the official theme-tune for the quest: https://soundcloud.com/i-punch-walls/i-punch-walls-peter-kay-is-a

[Milo]

I don't think any of the suggestions are sufficiently tragic.

[Wentworth Smith]

Syd Little Quest.

[small_world]

I'd vote for Kay quest.
That's got huge potential, very easy to get some fantastic gags.

If not, how about a (Bruce) Forsyth Saga?


I've really loved this.
Reminds me of the good times.

[Theremin]

Right, best current choices seem to be cynical, fading Peter Kay Quest, or moneygrubbing, bitter John Cleese Quest.

[hedgehog90]

Whoever it is, there needs to be a bit where they get their knob out. Like, right out.

[Glebe]

Peter Egan Quest.

[Lyfjaberg]

Vicks Vaporub quest.

"You have an all-consuming desire to be slathered on someone's chest in order to relieve their congestion. But whose hand will apply you? And to whose heaving man-boobs?"

[George Oscar Bluth II]

Peter Kay would be perfect for this, I reckon.

[Theremin]

It's happening.

[small_world]

Brilliant.

You should do these for real life.
A Saville "Choose your own adventure" would be a fucking killer.

[Lyfjaberg]

Brilliant.

You should do these for real life.
A Saville "Choose your own adventure" would be a fucking killer.

"A Choose Your Own justification for spending plenty of time with children unsupervised Adventure".

[George Oscar Bluth II]

Every action in the Peter Kay quest will probably be "release a DVD of decade old material" :(

[hedgehog90]

I'm gonna make Peter Kay shit his pants.

[Lyfjaberg]

Every action in the Peter Kay quest will probably be "release a DVD of decade old material" :(

Not if it's set a decade ago.

"Release a DVD of exciting and fresh material".

[Glebe]

You stop for a rest in a cave, eating some garlic bread? from your provisions. Add  2 stamina points. Garlic bread?