Confrontational men in pubs

[Dex Sawash]

There is Flintstones themed US version of that lucky egg machine.
Fred Flintstone rotates on a metal rod up his rectum and says yabba dabba doo until an egg is dispensed.  The machine is labeled with an explanation that the egg is "from Dino of course".
We can plainly see Fred has a rod up his cloaca and will not be laying any more eggs for a while.
We are never informed if it is just a gift from Dino or if he actually laid the egg.

Flinstones Lucky Egg Machine: http://youtu.be/W3EhkntmTHI

[Johnny Townmouse]

I had to break up a fight between my wife at a gig in Manchester a couple of weeks ago after some utter drunken fucking cunt decided she could barge up to the front barrier halfway through the gig and start smashing into her. My wife kept her cool but at one point I was shielding her entire body whilst shoving my elbow into the horrible harridan. I ended up kneeing her behind the knees and kicking her away, but she came back, started doing violent 80s dancing and smashing into us. Awful.

People around us were naturally looking at this aghast whilst doing absolutely fuck-all.

[biggytitbo]

I remember the monkey one ( did the monkey deposit an egg?) but not the flint stones one, here's the exact machine I got my plastic maracas from!

[Kishi the Bad Lampshade]

My favourite confrontational-man-in-pub moment was walking in as "In The Ghetto" started playing, and seeing one of the blokes at the bar corner an alarmed young couple and start ranting at them about how much he hated Elvis and how undeserved his title of "King of Rock and Roll" was. He seemed quite personally hurt by the whole choice and had to walk outside to calm down for a bit.

[Don_Preston]

'[nb] It's not like we have tentacles, we tend to have a dick or a cunt, same as most people.[/nb]

Apart from the ones with tentacles, you inconsiderate monster!

[tookish]

Apart from the ones with tentacles, you inconsiderate monster!

I might actually have tiny undescended testicles embedded in my cunt which is a weird thought (and would make me intersex as opposed to FAAB). I'm supposed to go to a gynaecologist and get it checked out, but that would require the rubber-gloved fingers of a stranger fondling my possible testicles, so for the time being it shall have to remain one of life's little mysteries. I'd rather have undescended tentacles to be honest.

BET YOU REALLY WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THAT.

[mook]

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP RUBBING YOUR POSSIBLY MULTIGENDERED GENITALS IN MY FACE? EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! GENITALS INTO MY FACE.


it's wearing me out. please stop, i beg you please stop.

[Fry]

Maybe if you were a little more FAAB it wouldn't happen so much.

As it stands you suck where's my karma.

[mook]

no karma for fry.

[Sony Walkman Prophecies]

I had to break up a fight between my wife at a gig in Manchester a couple of weeks ago after some utter drunken fucking cunt decided she could barge up to the front barrier halfway through the gig and start smashing into her. My wife kept her cool but at one point I was shielding her entire body whilst shoving my elbow into the horrible harridan. I ended up kneeing her behind the knees and kicking her away, but she came back, started doing violent 80s dancing and smashing into us. Awful.

People around us were naturally looking at this aghast whilst doing absolutely fuck-all.

This reminds me of a Captain Sensible concert where a girl in silver boots was kicking everyone in the legs. Everyone was getting walloped in the shins and no one was doing anything. I was being a bit of a knob myself - I took to the stage and started playing their keyboard but, presumably, because this was a vaguely anarchic act they let me get on with it.

[23 Daves]

I can't believe I've got through this thread - a thread I actually started - without mentioning Michael Rothwell.

I used to work on a reception desk in the area Rothwell lived, and he was utterly notorious and banned from several shops, pubs and public buildings. An ageing actor whose career was long behind him, he would collect his giro every week, get drunk on a bottle of whiskey, then parade around the district shouting at various people who worked in shops, libraries, Government buildings, and probably just about anywhere where there was a captive audience.  Rothwell didn't tend to bother people who weren't working, because he knew they could just walk away from him.

He hated me as he seemingly hated everyone, but I privately used to look forward to his visits due to his unorthodox ranting techniques. He used to use the reception area as a stage-space and fruitily proclaim various reasons why I was an idiot, why the people I was working for were idiots, then throw in a general and downbeat observation about the failings of life in general in the end. "For in my experience, in all of my life," he once dramatically intoned, voice a-quiver, "all men behind desks are merely yes-men". Then he walked out solmenly.

The letterbox was also right by my reception desk, and on one occasion it flipped open and his mouth appeared at it, roaring at me: "AN OASIS OF INCOMPETENCE!!!" Startling but also somewhat surreal and not connected to anything I'd said or done that day. He was like a real-life troll. On another occasion I think I got a rant which was actually meant for the local church, because it was about how particular saints didn't deserve their status, and he got confused, stopped suddenly, and left with the words "And THAT er... is what I came in to say to you today!"

He would frequently tell people that he was actually an acclaimed and brilliant actor, and naturally we all took this with a pinch of salt and dismissed him as a bit of a ham who had probably been involved in a couple of minor fringe productions. However, years later I looked up his name on imdb, and it would seem that he did have something of a career, having worked with Laurence Olivier, and also (of more likely interest to Cabbers) having appeared in the "Innes Book of Records". http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0745346/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1

A troubled man whose career was either unfortunately derailed and he never got over it, or was sabotaged by his fondness for alcohol, I do kind of miss him. The most extreme case of the "confrontational middle-aged man" stereotype I can think of - from playing Roderigo in "Othello" to living in a council flat and being barred from surrounding shops and pubs for being the local pain-in-the-arse. Luck can seriously turn sour for even the most favoured of people.

[mook]

if it's the same chap it seems he appeared in "rentadick" in '72. apt? maybe.

[steve98]

In Glasgow, in my 20s, I seemed to come across a spate of these types of men who, wierdly, all claimed they fought in Vietnam. It was a few years after the Platoon/Full Metal Jacket phase (where every idiot I knew started wearing chinos and listening to Motown) but I guess it had a lasting effect, even on men 20 years my senior. Anyway, they couldn't wait to share their experiences in 'Nam until (I just can't help myself) I pointed out Britain wasn't involved in the war. Some would make something up about having an American dad, some would claim to be mercenaries, and some would just slam their drink down and storm off in a cream puff.

I never really worked out the reasoning behind their absolute, bare-faced lying[nb]and pub liars are another fine sociological phenomenon, one that we've covered before, and very entertainingly[/nb], but I suppose, in the often hyper-macho atmosphere of Glasgow pubs, this was an attempt to ascend to a higher level of masculinity. Funnily enough, my father-in-law was a Marine in Vietnam. He doesn't half talk some shite (and no doubt bends the ears of many a poor bastard in his local) but he never, ever talks about his experiences in the war.

Funny enough I've met two different Glaswegians who both claimed to have fought in Vietnam, one claimed that he'd smuggled himself over on a plane and somehow just joined up with the Yanks (met him in the Allison Arms, southside, if that rings a bell)
I also seperatly met two guys who'd sneaked into Rommel's tent in the desert. I've forgotten the few details they supplied, the way you do when you're listening to gobshite, but it was something to do with assasinating him, which they failed to do.

[23 Daves]

if it's the same chap it seems he appeared in "rentadick" in '72. apt? maybe.

99.99% sure that it is him. All of his regular brags are covered on that imdb database (he'd have impressed me more by saying that he'd worked with Neil Innes, but obviously he never got on to that one, the dolt) and the people I worked for took him to court for breaking the glass in their door on one occasion, and his name was definitely given there as Michael Rothwell.

Like a lot of posh thesps and artists, though, he had bugger-all idea about the "real world", thinking that anyone on a shit wage sat behind any glass counter or desk was in some way an authority figure who was too stupid to be there. He had no idea what jobs actually involved. You often get the same ideas at the complete opposite end of the social spectrum as well.

[DrunkCountry]

There's this guy[nb]I won't name him but if you're familiar with the city you've likely heard of or been confronted by him during one of his day release benders[/nb] in Cardiff who is the most unsufferable cunt imaginable.

There's a tiny handful of people in this city who consider him to be a guru or a mentor or a teacher of life choices & spirituality[nb]those who know of him by word of mouth, or have only seen or interacted with him during low key episodes, refer to him as 'harmless' or 'entertaining' or 'part of what makes Cardiff culturally diverse & great'. They are wrong.[/nb].  Truth is, he's an aggressive, confrontational, self-aggrandising bin-drumming squat-transient prick masquerading as a PEOPLE's CHAMPION of GOD's TRUTH[nb]depending on which 'God'/religion suits his self-medication that week[/nb] & USURPER of THE MAN & the CONSPIRACY to stop him becoming famous[nb]if you dig through all the shit that comes out of his mouth the common thread is I WANT TO BE FAMOUS[/nb].

Total fucking menace & bore. Last week he spent 10minutes screaming at a musician, that me & the missus were having a quiet smoke & chat with outside Clwb Ifor Bach, that the musician didn't know what REAL MUSIC was because he hadn't heard GOD's BAND play[nb]"HAVE YOU EVER HEARD GOD's BAND PLAY? NO! YOU HAVEN'T! HIS BAND ISN'T REVEALED TO YOU UNLESS YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS TO BE ONE WITH TRUE MUSIC & TRUE MUSIC IS GOD's MUSIC. DO YOU HEAR THAT? SILENCE! THAT'S AS CLOSE AS YOU WILL GET TO GOD's MUSIC. UNLESS YOU BELIEVE & SEE THROUGH MY EYES, GOD's EYES, & HEAR THROUGH MY EARS, GOD's EARS, THEN YOU KNOW NOTHING. GIVE UP YOUR WORTHLESS MUSIC. YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT GOD UNTIL YOU HEAR HIS MUSIC & I CAN TELL YOU HIS MUSIC FLOWS THROUGH ME & IT IS MY ROLE ON THIS EARTH TO GIVE HIS MUSIC TO EVERYONE — FUCK THE CRIMINALS IN THE FALSE DRAGON GOVERNMENT WHO REFUSE TO HEAR GOD's MUSIC IN ME..." etc. etc. etfuckingcetra[/nb].

Typical Facebook posts, which accurately mirror the way he scream-preaches at random people he corners:

WE CYMRUIANS[nb]Unsurprisingly, he's not Welsh but considers himself TRUE WELSH, in the same way as he considers himself Apache or a descendent of the Court of Pendragon etc. & identifies with every militant faction of Welsh politics IF they happen to neatly jigsaw with his rant-logic. The reality is he's a photocopy of a photograph of a child's crayon drawing of Benjamin Zephaniah.[/nb] COULD HAVE THE GREATIST AN RICHIEST COUNTRY ON DA PLANET .THIS INVISABLE WEAPONARY DAT JAH HAS GIVEN ME IS DA MOST POWERFUL WEAPON SYSEM KNOWN TO ANGELS NEVER MIND MAN AN ITS BEEN GIVEN TO ME BY GOD HIMSELF JAH WHO CAME IN DA FORM AS DA BURNING BUSH TO MOSES JAH WHO DROWNED PHAHROES ARMY BY MAKING A PASSAGE FOR DA ISRAILITES AN THEN A SOONARMY FOR PHAHROES ARMY LEAVING MARK OF EVIDENCE THAT IS STILL THERE TODAY THE DEAD SEA DA ISRAELITE ARE STILL BREAKING BREAD AN DRINKING WINE TO DAY IN REMEMBERANCE. ITS CALLED DA PASS OVER. AN THE PLAGUES BEFORE IT,WE WOULD HAVE TO BE UNITED BEFORE I DROPPED DIS SPRITUAL WEAPON SYSTEM ITS EASIER THAN SAYING ABRACADBRA AN ALL OPERSITION WOULD BE OBLITERATED NOTHING ON THIS PLANET EARTH COULD STOP IT ONLY MY JAH WHO GIVE WALES BREAD OF HEAVEN OVER DA PAST 21 YEARS SINCE I AS HIS INSTRUMENT STEP IN TO THIS BEAUTIFUL AN MAJESTIC COUNTRY. WE CAN NOT BE PUSSIES ON DIS OR DIVIDED OR JUST BERRY OUR HEADS IN DA SAND SHALL I DROP IT OR WAHHHH I WOULD LIKE TO NOW YOUR VEIWS CAUSE DIS IS NO JOKE BUSINESS BUT THE REAL BIG DADDY FATHER OF ALL FATHER FROM DIS LAND RUNNING TINGS MY CYMRUIANS PLUS DE ENERGY O F DA UNIVERSE WOULD LIVE HERE AN THE LAY LINES IN OUR MAJESTIC WALES WOULD BE ACTIVATED. LET N PENDRAGON KNOW NA OR YA

ONE DRAGON TO RULE ALL OTHER POWER SYSTEMS WILL BE DESTROYED THE WEATHER AN SEAS TO DEMOLISH BIG PARTS OF THE UK BRITAIN NOTHING THE POWERS THAT BE CAN DO ABOUT IT UNTIL I PEN DRAGON HAS FULL POWER AS WRITTEN IN PROPHECY AN BIBLICAL TEXT OF JOHN REVERLATIONS CHECK OUT DA FLOODING THROUGH THE UK ON YOUTUBE AN YOU WILL NO MY WORDS ARE FACTS '

STATS CITERZENS OF CARDIFF WELL DONE 90 PERCENT DOWN BETWEEN 17 TOO 65 YEAR OLDS OVER THE LAST 6 MONTHS . 6 MONTHS A GO ON AVERAGE 35 TO 40 SHINNERS WOULD BE SEEN FROM BANK MANAGERS, TILL OPERATORS DA OLD BILL SHOP ASSISTANCE CO WORKERS JUDGES, ALL DIFFERANT SECTOR OF THEE EMEGENCY SERVICES; BLACK EYES WOULD BE SEE WEDER BOTH EYE CASEINGS OR THE LEFT AN RIGHT WONDERING AROUND CARDIFF AFTER THE WEEK END BANANZA OF COCKTAIL BARS 411 RMB AN SOUL PUB CRAWLS PEPERMINTS WID A SAMURI LAUNGE ARERA FROM A MIXTURE MUSIC OF ALL JONERAZ TO A MIXTUR ALQAOL AN FOOD . WHEN TOLD TO WALK EGOS OF JOB DESCRIPTIONS BEING SHOUTED AN SCREEMED OUT IN PUBLIC AREREAS DO YOU NO YOU ARE TALKIN TO I AM A OR YOU ARE , WALK IS A TRADITAINAL WORD USED IN CARDIFF IT IS THE FAMOUSE WORD EVER IT DOES GIVE YOU CHANCE IF UR LUG HOLES FUNCTION DA PAIR ON BOTH SIDES OF DA HEAD DATS WRIGHT EARS OTHER WISE IF U ARE AS A OBSERVER THE SOUND YOU WILL HERE IS BOOP OR BOOP BOOP SOME ONE OR A GROUP OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SPARKED OUT WALK IS NUMBER ONE USED IN CARDIFF BY CADIFFIANS WALK IS DA KING OF DA WELSH IF YOU EAAAAAR IT BRAAAAAA DEN I ADVIZE YOU TO FOLLOW IT. IT IS A VERB OF DOING DATS DA BOSS OF ALL BUSINESES AN MORE PEOPLE ARE LISENING TO DA KINGS WORD ON THE STREET AN SHINNERS ARE DOWN BY 90 PERCENT ON AVERAGE WALK IS DA KING OF WALES AN ITS CAPITALS WORD; WORD UP DA TOP OF DA NATIONS CHART; WALK.

im not making a political statement with the recent image takin by my photographa, BUT THOUGH EARLY 60S TO THE LATE 80S ONE SAID CUDLY OBJECTS WAS FOUND IN MOST WHITE EUROPEAN HOMES IN BED OR AS A CUDLY TOYS OR AS SOME FORM OF ORNIMENTATION, IF WE GO BY THE FREUDEUN FACINATOIN WITH DA PHALIC SYMBOL THE BLACK DICK OR COCK OR BUDY WAS POPIN UP ALL OVER EUROPE SOME HAD ONE AN SOME HADNT BUT THY NEW THERE WAS SOME HUGE BODY PARTS OUT THERE KING DONG WAS A HUGE SENSATION IN EUROPEAN AN BECAME A STAR IN THE PORN INDUSTRY HE WAS A WHOOPING 18'' LONG; AN FAT BELL END SO DA GOLLY SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL JOLLY , GO TO BLACK DICK IN YOUR ARSE WWW.COM.

[Mark Steels Stockbroker]

On the "pub liars" thread, I think we talked about this and the SAS phenomenon, didn't we? Which is that these men will often claim to have been involved in special SAS missions.
"I've seen some things. I've seen some weapons you don't even know have been invented, let me tell you".

The one I knew, in Woking in the late 90s, told me that the way the SAS entrance test works is: (1) you have to avoid capture for 24 hours, and (2) there are loads of rules about what you are/aren't allowed to do, but it's ok to break them provided you don't get found out in the timespan.

I know he was a bullshitter, but that does sort-of make sense, doesn't it? Like it would actually be a sensible way to run the process, rather than the complex written exams and face-to-face interviews used in reality?

Anyway, since CaB is mainly a comedy site, let's enumerate all the comedic versions of these men. There's Paul Whitehouse's "hardest game in the world" character from The Fast Show, and also Billy Bleach, but then there's The Incredible Bullshitting Man from Smith&Jones. Or am I reading this broadly? Do you want a fight over it?

[Mark Steels Stockbroker]

I call them cheeky chicks but what I'm referring to where those novelty things you'd get outside amusement arcades and you'd put 50p in and it's make a boooorrkk boooorrkk noise and deposit a plastic egg that had a fabulous toy in. What where they called?

iPods.

[Jamesieab]

The one I knew, in Woking in the late 90s, told me that the way the SAS entrance test works is: (1) you have to avoid capture for 24 hours, and (2) there are loads of rules about what you are/aren't allowed to do, but it's ok to break them provided you don't get found out in the timespan.

I know he was a bullshitter, but that does sort-of make sense, doesn't it? Like it would actually be a sensible way to run the process, rather than the complex written exams and face-to-face interviews used in reality?

Anyway, since CaB is mainly a comedy site, let's enumerate all the comedic versions of these men. There's Paul Whitehouse's "hardest game in the world" character from The Fast Show, and also Billy Bleach, but then there's The Incredible Bullshitting Man from Smith&Jones. Or am I reading this broadly? Do you want a fight over it?

Here you go from that there wikipedia, I'm off to the pub to pretend I know what I'm talking about.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_Kingdom_Special_Forces_Selection

Survive, Evade, Resist, Extract (4 weeks)[3][edit]

Personnel undertake Survive, Evade, Resist, Extract training.
The test stage for this training phase requires the candidates to undergo an evasion exercise, dressed in greatcoats to restrict movement and operating in small groups. A Hunter Force from the Special Forces Support Group provides a capture threat.
All personnel are required to undergo a Tactical Questioning stage; should a candidate reach the objective without capture he will still be subjected to this element.

[Wet Blanket]

Sounds exactly like an old university lecturer I had - he was notorious in pubs in the Portsmouth area for getting drunk and trying to argue with scaffolding workers about James Joyce.

Scaffolder: I bet you don't even know the difference between a girder and a joist

Professor: Fool! Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses!

[Steven]

There's this guy[nb]I won't name him but if you're familiar with the city you've likely heard of or been confronted by him during one of his day release benders[/nb] in Cardiff who is the most unsufferable cunt imaginable.

There's a tiny handful of people in this city who consider him to be a guru or a mentor or a teacher of life choices & spirituality[nb]those who know of him by word of mouth, or have only seen or interacted with him during low key episodes, refer to him as 'harmless' or 'entertaining' or 'part of what makes Cardiff culturally diverse & great'. They are wrong.[/nb].  Truth is, he's an aggressive, confrontational, self-aggrandising bin-drumming squat-transient prick masquerading as a PEOPLE's CHAMPION of GOD's TRUTH[nb]depending on which 'God'/religion suits his self-medication that week[/nb] & USURPER of THE MAN & the CONSPIRACY to stop him becoming famous[nb]if you dig through all the shit that comes out of his mouth the common thread is I WANT TO BE FAMOUS.

Sounds a bit like Douglas Levison, the Trumpet Fight guy. For all his blustering vitriol, you get the feeling he's arguing into the mirror, a fun house mirror in his particular case.

[Unoriginal]

There's this bastard in my town who thinks of himself as witty, intelligent, popular, funny and well liked when he's actually a racist, misogynist, loud, abusive, intolerable arsehole who is pretty much hated by everyone I know. He's been banned from the local Wetherspoons countless times for being such a dick but sadly is always allowed back in. His idea of good music is Gary Barlow and the Killers, he supports Liverpool and likes to make jokes about Munich and so on, he's known making fun of disabled people, supports UKIP, is prone to horrible racist outbursts in public and in the past has got young girls (under 16) hideously drunk and then tried to take advantage of them despite being in his twenties.

He has that rare ability of being one of those people who looks like an arsehole when you first see him but manages to exceed your worst expectations when you get to know him. Thankfully he's morbidly obese and wants to 'live life to the fullest' so hopefully he'll be dead soon. Basically, think of James Corden but far worse and you're sort of close to how bad he is.

[Blue Jam]

Gary Barlow and the Killers

I wish this was an actual band.

[SetToStun]

I'd prefer The Gary Barlow Killers myself.

EDIT: I'm just pointing out what you're clearly implying there, aren't I? Bugger.

[Harry Badger]

There's this guy[nb]I won't name him but if you're familiar with the city you've likely heard of or been confronted by him during one of his day release benders[/nb] in Cardiff who is the most unsufferable cunt imaginable.

Ah yes, Ninjah. He was hanging around a film festival I was helping run last weekend. He's harmless (yes I know) enough in my experience, but by god you don't want to get stuck with him as it's very hard to get away and grinning for that length of time is tiring. I have some good pictures of him talking to some mates last weekend and they are clearly desperate to escape.

[shiftwork2]

Ah yes, Ninjah.

Is he a proper Ninja?  I ask because Steven Kelly did a talk in English once about his plans to become one.  He walked up to the blackboard and wrote 'PROFESIONAL NINJAH' with the misspelling there and talked for 5 minutes about how he'd be great at it.  That was 30 years ago.  Either under lock and key or driving taxis would be my guess.

[DangledTeeth]

I wouldn't say that the experience I had was one of confrontation, but it wasn't far off, I suppose... but it did involve a man in a pub so it counts.

I was sitting with a friend opposite me and a man stood nearby watching a TV, he turned around and mouthed off in a gruff cockney accent, ''I didn't vote for this New Labour. I vo'ed for the old one''. My friend and I were trying not to laugh as it was one of those 'you laugh because you know you shouldn't' situations, then the bloke turned around again and scrunched his face up and looked into the distance, briefly, and said (alluding to Kylie Minoque, I think), ''there's that singah oo's been on the news lately with that disease... wossit called? Er... tit cansaaah'' I spat some of my drink out over the table after being tickled by his crudness. Luckily, the man often turned to watch the TV and didn't notice us cracking up.

I'm sure he continued to ramble away after that, what about? I don't know, and I'm not entirely sure why Labour and cancer came up in his blabbering. Maybe he was watched the news, saw a current affairs segment about the Labour party and tried to compare them to a malignant disease. Or maybe he was quite a big fan of Kylie.

[23 Daves]

There's this bastard in my town who thinks of himself as witty, intelligent, popular, funny and well liked when he's actually a racist, misogynist, loud, abusive, intolerable arsehole who is pretty much hated by everyone I know. He's been banned from the local Wetherspoons countless times for being such a dick but sadly is always allowed back in. His idea of good music is Gary Barlow and the Killers, he supports Liverpool and likes to make jokes about Munich and so on, he's known making fun of disabled people, supports UKIP, is prone to horrible racist outbursts in public and in the past has got young girls (under 16) hideously drunk and then tried to take advantage of them despite being in his twenties.

He has that rare ability of being one of those people who looks like an arsehole when you first see him but manages to exceed your worst expectations when you get to know him. Thankfully he's morbidly obese and wants to 'live life to the fullest' so hopefully he'll be dead soon. Basically, think of James Corden but far worse and you're sort of close to how bad he is.

Unless your town is Romford, he's clearly been blown off course.

Seriously, you can get 2 or 3 men like this in the pub at the same time in Romford. It's pretty normal. Which makes it yet another very good reason not to go drinking there.

[Mr Eggs]

What about chronic boring bastards? A pub I go in had an early warning system (A parping bicycle horn behind the bar) to warn patrons that THE OLD BORING CUNT with his plastic bag full of photographs of old crap that no fucker cared about had bobbed in. The poor sod thought the parping horn was some kind of welcoming gesture and started turning up with his own horn and began parping his arrival.

He cried when he found out the truth and barred himself. A harmless old man with some old photographs driven out of a pub by a set of bastards.

[Unoriginal]

Unless your town is Romford, he's clearly been blown off course.

Seriously, you can get 2 or 3 men like this in the pub at the same time in Romford. It's pretty normal. Which makes it yet another very good reason not to go drinking there.

He's not the only one but he is so bad and so fat that you tend to remember him more. The general for my area is steroid filled misogynists making incomprehensible sounds at people and getting into fights after too many alcopops. I brought an ex-girlfriend from Dorset to where I live and after two minutes in a pub, she was so horrified and upset by what see saw that I had to take her home and it wasn't even that rowdy a night by South Wales standards. For example, a bar worker got murdered in Swansea Walkabout a few weeks back and it barely registered as a significant story. There's people from war torn states that would struggle to cope with a night out in Wind Street.

[DrunkCountry]

He was hanging around a film festival I was helping run last weekend. He's harmless (yes I know) enough in my experience, but by god you don't want to get stuck with him as it's very hard to get away and grinning for that length of time is tiring.

No, you most certainly don't. Especially if he's been on the sauce or the snort. Having witnessed his more aggressive side (& knowing he is a bona fide Whitchurch Hospital season ticket holding lunatic) I try & steer very clear.