Desert Golfing (iPhone, Android etc)

[alan nagsworth]

I ain't much of a gamer, no sir. I like board games, not computer games. The last console I owned was a Wii, which is now gathering dust under my bed. I play games on my iPhone out of a base interest for phone gaming as a medium, mainly for the innovative and beautiful games like "Monument Valley" and "Badland", and for the totally absurd and hilarious games like "Realistic Summer Sports Simulator" and "McPixel". It's hard to find a game nowadays that is wondrous in its simplicity, springing forth waves of imaginary depth that constantly have you asking the same questions about basically nothing but absolutely everything at the same time. Some have come close: the game developing company Poppy have knocked out some belters like "King of Tennis" and "Brave Man", but as great as they are, they're lacking something that keeps me coming back for more.

This week, I discovered "Desert Golfing".

The object of the game is simple: imagine the mechanics of chucking grenades in "Worms", but with a golf ball on sand, driving and putting for the next hole, FOREVER. There is no menu, no reset button, no music... just you and your ball, a shot counter and a flag on each hole tallying your progress. The levels don't get progressively harder. They were randomly generated and some are harder than others. This will be a little grating at first, but eventually you learn to breeze through it, again and again and again. You live with your mistakes and you only move forward. You will never remember any particularly memorable holes. You just keep going.

There are some very occasional further obstacles and scenery you'll encounter, but when I say very occasional, what I mean is that I'm 800 holes in and so far I've had two levels with a water pit thrown in[nb]my god, I almost wept at that pristine blue square, and I deliberately putted into it just to see if there was any cool animation or a splash sound... I won't spoil that for you, though[/nb], one with a cactus, one with a cloud in the sky (both of which were background scenery that my ball rolled straight past) and one with a little grey rock.

According to the developer, there's one in the late 2000s which is extremely hard. I can't fucking wait. Because it's so simplistic (the whole thing is like 500kb) it boots up in one second and you find yourself playing three or four holes in every spare moment you have standing at the bus stop or in the queue at the post office or in between speeches at your wedding. I cannot stop playing it.

Best £1.50 you'll ever spend.

[kittens]

mate that sounds so boring

[alan nagsworth]

Maybe it's time to admit you have a drinking problem. Go and dry yourself out in the desert with a few hundred holes.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

mate that sounds so boring

Fuck you and everything in your vicinity

[The Boston Crab]

You live with your mistakes and you only move forward. You will never remember any particularly memorable holes. You just keep going.

Sounds like my love life.

[Eight Taiwanese Teenagers]

Sounds like my love life.

Any smartphone game sounds like my love life: a solitary affair, spent hunched over a screen

[Eight Taiwanese Teenagers]

Nagsworth you nit. I paid for and downloaded this and it is quite boring. Thanks a lot!

[alan nagsworth]

Yeah, how many holes have you done?

[Eight Taiwanese Teenagers]

Erm, think it might be 195...

[alan nagsworth]

Wait til you see the cactus. Total game changer.

[Paaaaul]

This is a bit better than that game where you drive a bus across the desert.

[Eight Taiwanese Teenagers]

I was mixed up, haven't done 195 holes, only 75.

[alan nagsworth]

I'm over 1,200 holes deep into this bitch now. My average is 2.5 shots per hole. Let me tell you that it does not get any harder or easier, but psychologically, it really does become a fucking strain. I've been getting cocky on the easy holes and over-aiming or putting in too much power. I'm more frustrated with it, and it is more embedded into my mind now than ever before. It's killing me. I can't stop playing it. The last thing I saw that wasn't endless sand was that one fucking cloud, and I'm certain that that was about 500 holes ago.

Still gunning for that one particularly hard hole in the late 2,000s...

[Paaaaul]

I've seen a cloud,a cactus,a rock and a face on the side of a hill. Don't remember seeing any water.

[Onken]

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