Author Topic: "i have spider of worth to say" thread  (Read 3188 times)

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« on: September 10, 2004, 03:06:23 AM »
EDIT: not an attempt to ressurect the old thread.... i just thought it a clever play on words... read the Subject fellas. posts about spiders of worth, gottit?

EDIT 2: or nasty shit like cockroaches too. of course



i saw something drop from my window (opposite my desk) in the edge of my field of vision.

FUCKAFPOIFHA


sorry.... an interruption. see below.


i *heard* it drop to the floor!.... then i look up and a spider, about the size of my fucking fist, is on the wall. it drops to the floor again... and like a no-longer-limping Kevin Spacey, it's gone.

i try to find it, pint glass and paper in hand, but no luck. i carry on surfing with the keyboard on my lap. then, as i come here to tell you all of this (and my fear of sleeping in my room tonight), i see it... on the other side of my desk, meaning of course it had to have scampered across me.

paper, pint glass... but it all goes wrong.

i knock it to the floor, try as quick as i can to get the pintglass over it... but it's in the corner of the room, and then it either (i) slips through a crack in the wall/floor join... or (ii) magically vanishes. the second option, of a magical giant spider, is one i refuse to entertain, as such a thought would frighten me half to death.

i have placed the lass over the wall/floor join... little comfort i know, but at least it's something.

on closer inspection the thing was only really the size of three of my fingers, not the whole fist. the alternative, that this was another giant spider, is one which would make me think of leaving my fabulous new house, even though it's really really lovely.

Schlippy

  • Who's that spunk?
"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2004, 03:18:30 AM »
I had one of those once. Stood up after an exceptionally rewarding dump, pulled the chain, and it dropped out from under the rim. Not one of your common-or-garden arachnids, oh no, I swear to god this was one of those dirty great Amazonian bird-eating jobs.

Wouldn't go down, even after two flushes. Had to take the bog brush to it in the end.

This house has more of the fuckers than you could shake an eight-legged stick at, tho. If there's not something crawling about the walls or the ceiling then there'll be one mooching about on the carpet, making the dog go apeshit chasing it about. He doesn't even eat them anymore, spoilsport.

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2004, 03:31:47 AM »
Amazingly as I read your post a cockroach - and it was a big bastard too - flew into the space between the lens of my glasses and my eye. Then it sat on my lap. I have crushed it now, but be thankful you don't have to deal with those bastards!!

A suicide bombing fucking cockroach!

I should be in bed of course...

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2004, 03:37:17 AM »
Quote from: "cilamc"
cockroach


bloody fucking hell.

wehn i was wailing in MSN and some chatroom as i first saw the thing i was apologising for being a faggy wimp boy, but explained that the the two things i hate are spiders and cockroaches.

i think i hate cockroaches more... they can jump.

Rev

  • A Manufacturing Concern
Re: "i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2004, 03:42:26 AM »
Quote from: "mayer"
i have placed the lass over the wall/floor join... little comfort i know, but at least it's something.


If only we all had such accomodating girlfriends.  

'Tis the season.  Spiders always want to come in for a bit of a sit down this time of year, and I can't be doing with it.  I trapped an absolute monster on Saturday (a pint glass wouldn't fit straight over it; tilting was necessary...  that's a monster in my books).  Pleased with myself at having got rid of the thing without being reduced to a gibbering wreck, I went for a celebratory piss.  This went exactly as planned, and I couldn't have been more pleased with it.  All that was left to do was to wash my hands, but on switching on the bathroom light I found an even bigger fucking spider loitering in the bath.

Are they getting bigger, or are they now working in teams?  I don't think I'd be happy with either answer.

Re: "i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #5 on: September 10, 2004, 03:50:20 AM »
Quote from: "Rev"
Quote from: "mayer"
i have placed the lass over the wall/floor join... little comfort i know, but at least it's something.


If only we all had such accomodating girlfriends.  


heh, four edits and i'm still too shaken up to type properly.


Quote from: "Rev"
Are they getting bigger, or are they now working in teams?  I don't think I'd be happy with either answer.


i believe they're getting bigger. maybe a climate thing.

also. i hope they are working in teams. the only possible alternative to that is that you have a family on your hands. nest, bursting with hundreds of the things.... or worse still, the eggs laid in your ears in your sleep, and then they burrow through your brain and all hatch at the same time, crawling out en mass.


i may rename this thread "mayer's greatest fears thread" (next time "being buried alive")

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #6 on: September 10, 2004, 08:06:20 AM »
Although I'm scared to bits of spiders, I try to leave them alone wherever possible as I know they eat dirty little flies, which I hate about a million times more. Yeeuch.

Mind you, buddhist attitude to life or not, if a cockroach flew between my glasses and my eyes, I'd drown the little fucker in vomit. And stamp on it.

Interestingly, but not really related to spiders, there's a kind of robo-spider been developed that can eat flies and generate energy from them to eat more flies. Yay! I hope they develop one that can do the same with wasps and release thousands of them into the wild.

More information can be found here.

Quote from: "The Register and, by proxy, The New Scientist"
Scientists at the University of the West of England have designed a potentially autonomous robot which feeds on flies attracted by human excrement and uses them to generate electricity, the New Scientist reports.

EcoBot II is reckoned to be a real step towards "release and forget" autonomous robots - albeit it a small one. At present, EcoBot II has to be fed bluebottles manually by its creators and can generate enough juice to travel at about 10 centimetres an hour.

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2004, 09:03:11 AM »
Aye, 'tis the time of year for the big hairy ones alright. The new bird in my office with the cracking arse and the naughty eyes, who fancies herself a bit 'ard with her motorbikes and things, has a spider-shaped chink in her armour as it turns out. I shall exploit this with gusto like the horrible kid at school, sure in the knowledge that by the careful application of fear alternated with laughter in measured doses I shall some day get to see her own furry crevice.

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #8 on: September 10, 2004, 09:54:48 AM »
I used to be CBP.  I seen a spider yesterday, so I registered a new forum account.

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #9 on: September 10, 2004, 09:56:07 AM »
Quote from: "Concerned But Powerless"
I used to be CBP.  I seen a spider yesterday, so I registered a new forum account.


This one.

Back to the thread, my house is infested with spiders.

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #10 on: September 10, 2004, 10:08:08 AM »
...but you're not going to kill yourself about it?


Then you must return to being CBP, please.

Ambient Sheep

  • A boy who was tangled in his life forever
"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #11 on: September 10, 2004, 10:55:51 AM »
Quote from: "Almost Yearly"
Then you must return to being CBP, please.

You're a fine one to talk.  <lots of illegal smiley things>

Shame that "Amazing Loft Discovery" may not be sticking around as a name though, I thought it was brilliant.

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #12 on: September 10, 2004, 11:03:38 AM »
I used to be absolutely petrified of spiders, even those teeny tiny ones that couldn't hurt a fly, until I was told to handle a tarantula on a school trip to the local butterfly farm (Stratford, if anyone's been there). This was when I was about 10, I think. It was more like holding a little furry animal than anything else, very pleasant, and since then no spider has ever put the scares into me - they all just seem a bit pointless in comparison to the big one.

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #13 on: September 10, 2004, 11:05:14 AM »
EURRRRCHHH!

Spiders are Satan incarnate make no mistake.I nuked one with a vacuum cleaner the other day 'cos it was the closest i could get to it spindly legs whithout having a seizure, and i was STILL terrified it would somehow jump on the sucker hose and run toward me.Now i just can't stop imagining it's still scuttling around the bag *shivers*

My biggest fear in life is probably being locked in a dark room filled with spiders......AND BATS!

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #14 on: September 10, 2004, 11:06:24 AM »
Quote from: "slim"
Although I'm scared to bits of spiders, I try to leave them alone wherever possible as I know they eat dirty little flies, which I hate about a million times more. Yeeuch.



Weirdo

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #15 on: September 10, 2004, 11:12:41 AM »
Quote from: "Ambient Sheep"
Quote from: "Almost Yearly"
Then you must return to being CBP, please.

You're a fine one to talk.  <lots of illegal smiley things>

Shame that "Amazing Loft Discovery" may not be sticking around as a name though, I thought it was brilliant.


I am.  This is my new account.  Sorry I probably didn't make myself very clear; fucking spiders.

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #16 on: September 10, 2004, 11:19:07 AM »
Quote from: "Adina Loki"
Weirdo


Spiders don't puke and then dance the foxtrot all over your nicely prepared dinner, rendering it unpalatable at best, and rubbish at worst. I say my hatred of flies is justified. The disgusting, horrible things that they are.

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #17 on: September 10, 2004, 11:21:24 AM »
But...but...spiders...scuttle and their body shape is just wrong

Ambient Sheep

  • A boy who was tangled in his life forever
"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #18 on: September 10, 2004, 11:28:37 AM »
Quote from: "Amazing Loft Discovery"
I am.  This is my new account.  Sorry I probably didn't make myself very clear; fucking spiders.

What was wrong with the old one?  I liked that too.  Or was it just too 1997?  I didn't think so.

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #19 on: September 10, 2004, 11:36:08 AM »
Quote from: "Adina Loki"
But...but...spiders...scuttle and their body shape is just wrong


Hey, their body shape isn't their fault.  Ya bloody spidist!

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed. We hold these truths to be self-evident that men and spiders are created equal.

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of women and the sons of fucking big mummy spiders will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Cramlington, a state sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little spider pets will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by their spindly, scuttly legs but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #20 on: September 10, 2004, 11:39:08 AM »
Quote from: "Ambient Sheep"
Quote from: "Amazing Loft Discovery"
I am.  This is my new account.  Sorry I probably didn't make myself very clear; fucking spiders.

What was wrong with the old one?  I liked that too.  Or was it just too 1997?  I didn't think so.


I liked the old one too, but when I seen this as a headline in the Cramlington Times (aka The News Post Leader) it was too good to resist.

SetToStun

  • Golden Member
  • *****
  • That's me, that is.
"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #21 on: September 10, 2004, 11:53:04 AM »
On the subject of spiders, a brief(ish) story.

Driving to work one day, many years ago, I became stuck on the circular car park that is the M25. I wasn't bothered - it was a bright early spring day, blue skies and crisp air all over the place. I wound down my window and turned the radio up. A minute or so later, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a spider trying to build a web in the open window. I though "no thanks son" and grabbed the thread it was depending from, intending to drop it out the window. It, of course, severed the thread and dropped into the car, vanishing under my seat. To cut what could be a tediously long story somewhat shorter, the little bastard somehow managed to get inside my shirt whilst I was still in the car and proceded to bite the living crap out of me over the course of the day. The bites were more, well, "scratchy" than "holy Jesus fuck - somthing's broken my skin!" and I put them down to the shirt being new and having that spiky cotton you sometimes get. Because I can be amazingly dense at times.

Anyway, it all tailed off at about 16:00 and I just thought I'd worn the shirt in. I got home, took my shirt off to change it and found something like 50 bites on my chest and back.

The most worrying thing about the spider in question (which fell lifeless from my shirt as I undressed) was not that it managed to break my skin so easily and often, but that it was bright, bright yellow. And the Tilda Rice boats from India and Thailand dock about a mile from where I live. I nearly shat myself on the spot but then realised that since the first bite had been about 12 hours previously, if anything dire was going to happen, it would have happened by then. It was still bleeding unnerving though.

Anyway, spiders, yes: don't trust the scuttery little cunts. They'll do you as soon as look at you with all those dozens of little eyes. Oh, and jumping hunter spiders - use a very, very thick piece of cardboard under the pint glass. Those things have fangs like park railings.

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #22 on: September 10, 2004, 11:56:10 AM »
Quote from: "SetToStun"
jumping hunter spiders


you're fucking with me... spiders which fucking jump?!??!?!


oh boy.....

fanny splendid

  • Chaos Reigns
"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #23 on: September 10, 2004, 12:02:10 PM »
Quote from: "mayer"
Quote from: "SetToStun"
jumping hunter spiders


you're fucking with me... spiders which fucking jump?!??!?!


oh boy.....


Have you not seen them? They're the grey ones you find on old walls.

When the electrical signal leaves the brain of the spider to tell it's legs to jump, that signal is so strong that it can interfere with human brain impulses, and make you jump, too.

SetToStun

  • Golden Member
  • *****
  • That's me, that is.
"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #24 on: September 10, 2004, 12:03:36 PM »
Quote from: "mayer"
Quote from: "SetToStun"
jumping hunter spiders


you're fucking with me... spiders which fucking jump?!??!?!


oh boy.....


'Fraid so. Where I live they're called hunter spiders - I assume they have a real name. They don't spin webs but actually hunt and jump on insects. The fuckers can take a fly on the wing - I've seen it happen. In my living room. Seeing one of them rear up on its hind legs and chase a low-flying insect can right chill the blood. Put a pint glass over one on the wall and feel the glass shake as the rock-hard little bastard jumps off the wall and smashes into the base of the glass. Repeatedly. We, sadly, get hundreds of them. Perhaps Lt. Plonker can confirm whether they've spread from the marshes to Chav Central...

Edited: the "its"/"it's" fuckup strikes again.

Frinky

  • Enormous chip on shoulder stemming from insurmountable superiority complex
"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #25 on: September 10, 2004, 12:42:19 PM »
Also, when they run, they make high-pitched screaming noises.

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #26 on: September 10, 2004, 01:09:28 PM »
Because they're wearing tiny little eight-legged corduroy trousers.

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #27 on: September 10, 2004, 07:59:41 PM »
I can't kill spiders at all, I just freeze when I see them, like a mexican stand-off. I always have to get my housemate to come in with a large rolled up newspaper and thwack the eight legged cunt to buggery, or failing that, spraying it with Raid. My main fear is not being bitten, but by blinking and then realising it's gone - that's the scary bit. You then either leave it and pray it stumble across you in the night; or go after it, tentatively lifting up the fringes of carpet.  

 They're just about the most alien things you'll ever see - eight legs, eight eyes, the power to inject venom and then liquidise its victims innards and suck them out (I think this is true), and then some can jump, scream, fire sharp hairs into you, and - oh fuck yes - spit venom at you. I think some spiders can survive for 72 hours underwater, and I believe they can adapt to just about any climate. A friend of mine goes all 'Ash' over them, explaining how they're 'the perfect killing machine...perfectly adapted for hunting and killing...the most incredible killers in Nature.' Great, I'll remember that the next time I realise there's a camel spider on my pillow. To be fair, the spiders we get in the UK are pissy compared to the fuckers abroad, and we should be grateful for small mercies. If I ever found a Mexican Red Knee tarantula or a camel spider in my bath, I genuinely have no idea what I'd do - call the police, promptly followed by having a heart attack, I suspect.

 Mind you, I say 'pissy' compared to this: http://www.tenby16.freeserve.co.uk/animals/spiders/regalis.jpg

Where I was working over the Summer, a very old and dusty library, we found the Arachnid Queen, sitting on the wall in the staff room. This is the mother of all the saucer-sized bastards we find in the bath; it was fucking huge, with a massive leg span and you could see those little feeler-things at the front very clearly. It eminated evil; this thing was born in the most putrid bowels of Hell, of Satan himself. It was very still and only moved in the course of a week about six inches, but we were all too petrified to try and kill it. I know realise I should have been more altruistic and brought my Raid and a lighter.

My problem with spiders is that I find them inherently terrifying and a sign of evil - no matter what size, I always feel very uncomfortable with one in the room. I acknowledge the job they do, in killing flies and other insects, which is a splendid thing, but my beef is: do they have to be bigger than a tea-cup coaster? Like Phill Jupitus on Room 101, I have a deep mistrust of people who claim to like spiders and let them roam all over the house unheeded, and then mock you for locking yourself in your room until the hairy fucker in the bathroom is vanquished. Fear of spiders, wasps, cockroaches, snakes, scorpians and other home-invading creatures, is perfectly natural - I'm all for combating our fears of them, but the fear itself is grounded in reason.

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #28 on: September 10, 2004, 08:13:36 PM »
I refuse to go into one of the toilets at work because the other day there was a big  dead spider crumpled up on the floor in there.  Fucking huge it is, and there's always the chance that it just *might* have been asleep.  I didn't even notice it until i'd sat down, all ready for my mid-morning poo, only to catch this fucking thing in the corner of my eye on the floor.

CaB seems to to have a high proportion of people who are scared of the fuckers.  We have this same chat about it every September.

"i have spider of worth to say" thread
« Reply #29 on: September 11, 2004, 02:00:13 AM »
Quote from: "mayer"
Quote from: "cilamc"
cockroach


bloody fucking hell.

wehn i was wailing in MSN and some chatroom as i first saw the thing i was apologising for being a faggy wimp boy, but explained that the the two things i hate are spiders and cockroaches.

i think i hate cockroaches more... they can jump.

This jumped about 2ft and then ran like the Zombies in the new Dawn of the Dead.  Eventually i trapped it in a corner and did the glass and cardboard thing and put it out.  the next day, an identical spider appeared in the same place in my Mum's bathromm.  i'm going to have to tag it.