Oh go on then... one last MATTER OF FACT OFAH thread (or is it?).

[DangledTeeth]

David Jason: Hello, Only Fools fans. And welcome to the first part of fffooouur in a brand new show detailing the history and backstory of selected classic episodes of the saga. A lot of you viewers are familiar with the jewel in Britain's scintillating crown written by the late John Sullivan and created with the assistance of very talented production and film staff. Where do I start? Erm... I remember back in the early days of 1981, when John Sullivan approached me and asked if I would like to be one of two lead roles for his new sitcom called Only Fools and Horses. I said to John, I says, I said to 'im: 'John, who is this lead character and what is the premise of OFAH?' to which John fondly replied 'He's called Derek Trotter, an unlicensed south London market trader from Peckham, south London. London. And he involves himself - along with his brother Rodney, and his grandad Grandad - in shifty business deals, rejected merchandise and lucrative tasks which result in farcical mishaps, elements of slapstick and family-oriented chagrin dressed up as insulting yet light-hearted quips.'



Nicholas Lyndhurst: It was around the height of my Butterflies fame I received a call from Donovan, my agent. He informed me that the BBC have commissioned a new sitcom series by John Sullivan. I was familiar with Citizen Smith and thought it was cleverly written, therefore I did not hesitate to express my interest by requesting a draft script.

D Jason: The thing was, I wasn't initially selected to become Del Boy; it was Jim Broadbent, whom the dear viewers will know as 'Detective Former Roy Chief Slater Inspector/undertaker's teaboy'. See, Jim was training to become a tofu astronaut and therefore wasn't available to play Derek Trotter, and Jim had a word with John, and John said he could write him into Fools in the future, perhaps as an e-type Jaguar or Arthur's ashes in the urn. Once Slater was later arrested for diamond smuggling, John considered bringing Jim back but in a similar vein as Nick Stringer - who played Australian Man in Go West, Young Man; and Jumbo Mills in Who Want to be a Millionaire - except Jim wasn't, at that time, planned to be brought back to play a bald Antipodeon, no. It was around 1988 (not long after Dates) when John toyed with an idea to bring Jim back as Rodney's then-future love interest, Cassandra. Of course, that never happened. However, in a never-before-scene clip done as a laugh for Tony Dow's birthday, Jim did come back for Class of '62 but as 'The Undertaker' who does the wrestling in the States. I'm not sure if that's Paul Bearer or Boycie next to Trigger.





Jim Broadbent: It was an incredibly daft bit of fun. I didn't get to keep the gloves and hat, mind. If I did, I'm sure I'd be drafted to the Royal Rumble and have my septum deviated then tossed over the ropes as punishment.

Nick: I waited with anticipation for the script to arrive, and when I heard the soft impact of the jiffy bag landing on my doormat I was thrilled beyond buttons. I careful unopened the package and laid my eager hands on that glorious, rough tome of comedy. I took it to bed and I couldn't stop laughing at the dialogue between Del and Rodney; it was visceral and heart-warming material with realistic, believable scenarios. I couldn't wait to play Rodney!

D Jason: Once the first series was approved beyond the pilot, John discussed with the wardrobe department and us about the clothing we'd wear. So, John whipped Nick, the late Lennard Pearce - gawd bless 'im - and I to an Oxford in Oxfam Street. I wanted to go for a snazzy disco suit I noticed, but John reckoned I'd look like an Ipswich noofter, and he picked out a camel hair donkey jacket, personalised polo tops, 104 pairs of jeans, a red turtle neck, several thousand flat-caps, including that silky Oriental-style dressing gown. And Del Boy was officially born. Lovely Jubblers!

Nick: The wardrobe people went by John's visions of how working-class, fly-pitching mavericks would appear; they bestowed me with an army jacket, jeans, Dan Dare pyjama shirt, and a burgundy shirt with a grey suit for nights out. A Parker jacket and plaid shirts were kept for the mid 80s. And not forgetting more jeans.

John Challis: My character Boycie was based on a local salesman who tried to sound posh and regaled a pub with far-fetched stories. I fondly remember my first appearance as Boycie in episode 2 of series 1, which David perhaps mentioned earlier: Go West, Young Man. Yes. The wardrobe department furnished me with wide-awake, 70s-style suits and aviator sunglasses before I had chance to fully familiarise myself with Boycie's character via the script. With the clothing my character had been supplied, I thought I'd be brandishing a 367. revolver while sprinting after drug-dealing gang members, and conveying myself and a partner around in a Chevrolette accompanied by the sound of cinematic funk and afrobeat. Turns out, as we all know, I'd play a snobby, masonic second-hand car salesman, not a Chicago-based detective who makes audacious decisions consequently causing instances of entertaining peril and mayhem. I'll do the laugh, shall I? HAH-AGH-EGH-EGH-EGH-AGH-AGH-EGH!

D Jason: The first ever classic Fools moment of many - including Falling Through The Bar and Batman and Robin Jogging - is The Chandelier Smash. There's a tense and rather funny anecdote regarding the filming of this illustrious, gravity-defying hoot that has never been spoken about before.

Nick: Prior to when David and I filmed the chandelier scene, Ray Butt - our director and producer - approached us and gave us a firm yet eloquent and friendly warning that this scene will have to be wrapped up in one take due to the fact that the chandelier was a one-of-a-kind, absurdly expensive set piece.



Ray Butt (speaking in 2002): The chandelier cost a bomb! I know what television personalities are like for corpsing, no pun intended J**** S****e. So I wandered across to a primed David and Nick on the ladders and said ''Now oi! You listen good and you hear me now! You better not fucking cunt this shitbastarding scene up, tiddlybollocks! A young orphan with dystentry has sold his marvellous collection of kidney stones in order to pur-chase this suspended jewel above your bonces. If either of you emit a titter you'll be sacked, and this implies the programme shall continue without you... which'll prove to be difficult because Jack Nicholson will demand an astronomical fee to play Del, and Gordon Levitt is too young to play Rodney and doesn't look like him but sort of does a bit if you're clinically mental.'

Nick: After receiving such a stern yet nice instruction from Ray, David and I looked directly at each other and thought of landmines under a Christmas tree. And Ray stood opposite me, arms folded, staring into my being, a reminder of the probable outcome if we laughed our tits off, which is the kind of thing that would instigate laughter, but it did the trick no end. If you look closely you can see we each have a bog roll tube clamped in our shoutcaverns.

D Jason: I'd say the best episode in terms of plot, sequence, humorous lines, aesthetics, dramatic tension and character insight is Friday the 13th, involving the Mad Axeman prowling Boycie's country cottage, who was played by Christopher Malcolm (the Axeman, not the cottage), and he had a part in The Empire Strikes Back as Rogue Two/Zev the Snowspeeder Pilot. I think he appeared in Ab Fab, too. Bless 'im.

J Challis: It was mainly set in Boycie's country cottage yet he didn't appear in this episode, therefore he did not go 'HAH-AGH-AGH-EGH-EGH-AGH-EGH-AGH'.

Nick: It was faintly eerie on set. We had wonderful people on the effects and set design team, plenty of astonishing jobs they did that year.

D Jason: As the series progressed, poor Lennard Pearce didn't.

Nick: It was very tragic and upsetting when he died. We all got on well as friends on set. Our rapport was that solid we even called him Uncle Lennard.

D Jason: A lovely man, was Lennard. He acted so convincingly as our fictional, mildly senile, and occasionally conviving grandfather.

Nick: Some would say 'Wendy House' was his most memorable moment, but I feel the conviction and brilliant antimetabole used in The Russian's Are Coming bolstered Lennard's acting prowess and added a dramatic tone to the series. A sterling speech.

D Jason: What some people may not know is Lennard upstaged Nick and my good self, specifically in The Russian's Are Coming that Nick just mentioned (I don't know if Nick brought up TRAC seeing as he's not reminiscing alongside me) when Del and Rodney are performing a faux-nuclear war drill. The part I've alluded to is when Del and Rodney are ready to enter the van to start the '4-minute warning' test run but realise Grandad is not present, so they rush back to the flat's entrance then hurriedly drag Grandad to the van and his shoes fall off in the process. God! Me and Nick were in stitches towards the end - and so was the audience. Laughter! We used that occurrence to gauge the hilarity and audience's reception of Lennard's lines. We used to say 'Yep, that was a HIS SHOES FELL OFF!'

Nick: It was pretty tough on the cast and crew when Lennard died. Particularly his funeral.

D Jason: We completed the first quarter of Strained Relations - this was the funeral scene before Lennard's proper funeral. Production staff costs would have inflated if it was filmed two weeks later, I've no idea why. It didn't half 'urt my back respectfully hoisting Lennard's coffin in to the church again with Nick, John, Roger, and Kenneth and the chap who played cousin Stan, but it was a real privelege to do so. There was a bit of ceremonial dirt on my brogues, and we could have started filming straight after Lennard's burial seeing as it was only an exterior scene but you live an' learn.

John Challis: I had a few lines in this episode with Kenneth MacDonald, who played Nag's Head landlord, Mike Fisher. And I let out an inappropriate laugh 'HAH-AGH-AGH-EGH-AGH-EGH-AGH' in the vicinity of some mourners once Mike informed me his burglar alarm didn't work upon having his cigarette machine stolen by Trigger, it seems.

Nick: The remainder of the series - after Hole in One, which Lennard partially completed before he died - was uncertain due to Lennard's passing.

D Jason: John Sullivan, bless 'im, put his ear to the ground in order to seek out the best talent out there, someone who was a veteran thespian and is aged over 60. He quickly discovered Buster Merryfield, who used to be a bank manager at Thames Ditton and dabbled in acting within the pantomime scene... I believe he ended up doing more pantomime after retiring from the bank and few times after joining Only Fools.

Nick: Buster was such a superb addition. He was quite nervous at first, but we got on like a house on fire, as made evident in the numerous episodes.

Del: We all played a joke on Buster around 1986. We all said that there's going to be a flashback episode of Albert in his younger days on board a Navy ship, and his clothes become fire-damaged due to one of the furnaces going berserk, so he has to strip down to his string vest and boxer shorts. Of course, Buster was a little anxious about the storyline and protested against it. We knew when to end a joke, and we all laughed and knowingly pointed at him... but that was after we shaved his beard off in his sleep, which grew back very rapidly.

Buster Merryfield (Speaking in 1996): I received a call from the BBC about my audition and there was a spot of uncertainty, but I was eventually accepted for the role despite my minuscule telly experience, and once the contract was presented to me, John Sullivan said: ''You do comprehend that you're going to be famous and will become a cult legend in Britain if you sign the contract. You will be ensconced in quids and won't have to play a shitty genie or something ever again! And a plenitude of attractive groupies will want to bonk your pelvis into a nebula *winks* not a word to your wife. And we'll refilm Hole in One next week''. As I was unaware of this sudden development regarding Hole In One and that filming would start sooner than I would have liked, I nicely enquired about it and John aimed a finger then stated ''I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further!''

D Jason: It was really remarkable how natural an actor Buster was. He had impecabble timing and that laugh of his was spellbinding.

J Challis: I filmed countless scenes with Buster. Oh, shall I do the other laugh, Albert's one? Okay, yep... HUH-ERH-EAH-UH-HYUR-HEEH!

Buster Merryfield: I was distinctly worried about fluffing my lines when it came to the live studio recordings, for I was in the big league now. It wasn't until I observed David confidently playing Del when he suddenly paused, grimaced then exclaimed 'Oh, funnelling whiskycocks! What-was-I-meant-to-say?!'. At this point, I felt a meteoric rise in confidence and felt relieved that even the pros fuck it up now and again. Before I knew it, David composed himself and expertly blurted his lines, and I sharply mumbled 'Joowin thuh waw'.

Nick: I have to applaud David for the poignancy exuded in his performance when expressing his grief for Grandad. It was such an armour-shedding moment for a confident, happy-go-lucky character to state that he puts a brave face on in public, something us conceited, stubborn men can understand.

D Jason: The whole scene would have been a bit shorter. John originally thought of keeping the episode a bit subtle and more upbeat as the burial scene was dismal enough, and instead of Del saying ''GET OVER IT! I ain't commenced, brarv! I ain't finished, sweet'eart! There's Del Boy! He's got more bark than Dougal'' or words to that effect, Del was going to say 'Look Rodney, I am very much upset about Grandad, yoooou plon-nuhn-kah. Now, let me watch the telly alone, please. I... need to do a bit of thinking'

Nick: The series increased in popularity and Only Fools started to reach its peak with the classic Xmas episode 'To Hull and Back'.

D Jason: It's one of my favourites. And I must say that it was a very ambitious episode. We actually filmed it out at sea, as you can probably tell. I mean the bit with the ship, not Nag's Head private room, 'tea with Slater and Hoskins' and the Amsterdam streets with cheerful organ music.

Jim Broadbent: I remember that cafe. Lovely seats. I'm glad I didn't have to ride the waves.

Nick: Oh! The sailing scenes. Those waves were choppy at times. All of us were actually sick physically vomit sick.

D Jason: What you viewers don't know, unless you've seen this episode again, is John Sullivan makes a cameo appearance - like Stan Lee minus the comic book empire - as the Oil Rig Worker. You know the bit, when Del shouts towards an oil rig for directions - that's why he calls him 'John'. I mean, it is a general expression and the other times Del addressed an unfamiliar individual as 'John' doesn't mean it was John Sullivan in make-up or anything.

Buster Merryfield: I didn't actually sail the boat. It's not that I don't know how to, I just used my free time to paint a few paintings to perhaps earn a few Dutch pennies for our trip. Here I am in a secret studio on the ship with a Renoir reproduction to your left and er... The Metamorphosis of Defecation Untitled 9635234634.



Nick: We spent a few hours in Amsterdam after filming the police dash. We smoked a few wands and had ourselves a few prozzies. Ha ha, no, one cup of tea and a slice of battenberg filled with hashish. Buster got suitably wankered on a cafe's kush whistle. And the part about following the Zeebrugge to Hull ferry back again after it went the wrong way was true.

D Jason: The following year's Xmas special, A Royal Flush, was inadequate in places and quite average in contrast to the amazing Hull an' Back. Del was quite unbecoming and brash, not to mention the scenes were shortened because of music copyright. And John didn't oversee some of the filming due to a project in France, I think. And erm, yeah, John dissected the thorough embarrassment inflicted on Rodney by Del due to 'being a noisy wanker'. It was implied by Rodney's horrified, eyelid-lowering expression and a few gasps from the dining guests that Del got his nuts out in the original, uncut transmission which hardly anyone remembers since it was updated in the mid noughties.

Nick: I did a surpressed burst of laughter at the mansion grounds we filmed on. David attempted to juggle a couple of prop tomatoes out of view from the camera and one of them landed in the hood of the duffle coat Buster wore.

D Jason: Tea for Three is a classic episode from the series that finished before Royal Flush. The rivalry between the brothers was very gripping and comical when they vied for the affection of Lisa. Rodney getting a tan was hysterical.

Nick: A mixture of food colouring and lipstick was applied to my face to give the tanned effect. It was quite an inconvenience to wash away each time, because we couldn't film the entire episode in one go, and I didn't want to wander home looking like an embarrassed savaloy.

D Jason: There was that outrageously hilarious hang-gliding scene. I didn't use the hang-glider despite being an experienced hang-glider, but because of potential insurance troubles I couldn't do it, so they got Buster to do it instead.

Buster Merryfield: If you have a telly with a good sound system and turn the volume up to its highest setting, you can hear me rip a nervous cleft burp as I swooped off the hill and in to the horizon.

D Jason: Having mentioned Ray Butt earlier, I've been reminded that before his retirement from Only Fools he shared his concerns with John Sullivan that the entire series is becoming stale and reminded John that A Royal Flush wasn't much of a success. Ray insisted The Frog's Legacy ought to be the last episode...

END OF PART ONE

[Glebe]

Carn't wait foh vis!

[JoeyBananaduck]

Excellent stuff, DT.

[DangledTeeth]

Thank you for your enthusiasm and appreciation, Glebe and JoeyBananaduck. And I shall continue with... PART TWO.





David Jason: John continued with Only Fools, needless to say. He changed his mind once the acceptable viewing figures for Frog's Legacy encouraged him to continue, although John took Ray's words into consideration and decided it was time the Trotters settled down. And this of course led to the next Xmas special 'Dates', when Tessa Peake-Jones made her debut.






Tessa Peake-Jones: I was honoured to be a part of Only Fools and Horses. I expected it to be a one-off opportunity because of how Dates ended. But fortunately, this became a regular part for me. Around that time one of the things I did was get my baps out while in a bath or shower. No, I'm not lying. It was on Dailymotion a few years ago.

David Jason: It was gigglesome for Del Boy to make another stab at romance. The 'under the Waterloo station clock' scene was quite a spontaneous bit to film, what with real-life commuters bounding along. We had no aggravation and very few people knew what we were filming... I suppose the enormous bouquet of flowers and yuppy attire wasn't as recognisable as Del Boy's usual clobber and suitcase.

Lyndhurst: I think I still have the James Dean biker jacket somewhere. As for the scenes of speeding, I didn't do the driving whatsoever. If you observe carefully when the three-wheeler manoeuvres past that small roadworks, you'll notice the driver not only doesn't resemble me, he also has voluminous yet receding hair.

David Jason: Series six followed with a time extension, which further revealed the full genius of Sullivan 'cause he was known to pen long-winded material. Gone were the days of the faintly drab studio-film effect of the previous series (the clarity was enhanced from Frog's Legacy), and I formed a balding comb-back and dressed in suits with braces, and Nick didn't appear so boyish anymore, nor was his hair as thickly layered and scruffy as before - oh, and the Mistral font done a runner. I'm quite a fan of series 6. Granted it probably wasn't as charming and cartoon-like in its escapades to most viewers as previous series, but series 6 ushered in a more mature, down-to-earth era and maintained the hilarity with high-risk schemes and situations, such as the explosive dolls; a fraudulent holiday; tricked by a conman etc., and it was interesting to see Del Boy scared by an unknown illness as a result of his hedonistic lifestyle, not forgetting Rodney 'leaving the nest'; it was the most consistent and memorable series of the bunch, in my opinion. And it's the series that depicted The Most Overrated Marvellous Performance in Comedic History and an Undeniable Milestone in British Culture, and yes, that is a somewhat highfalutin way of referring to Del Falls Through the Bar. Well... what can I say?! Rigid clonk. Rotating dope. Tremendous comedy.

John Challis: Boycie didn't fall through the bar, but if he did he wouldn't be doing his trademark rapid-fire cackle. He'd probably hurt his arm and cry out 'agh-agh-agh-agh'.

David Jason: Now, originally, Del was going to have a new swig on his lonesome once Rodney heads off to a club, but Roger-Lloyd Pack, bless 'im, stopped by the studio and ad-libbed the whole scene, oh... and the blue suit wasn't Trigger's get-up, either. And Roger did this gormless twirl as I statued onto a crash mat, talk about buttering your comedy sandwich and devouring it.

Lyndhurst: It never ceases to be funny. I was in tears the last time I watched it... but that might have been because I stubbed my toe into my coffee table thereby making my eyes water.

David Jason: Ridley Scott loved it and wanted an exclusive re-shoot for private viewing, where a chestburster pops out of my rib-cage as I fall over, and Trigger's head hangs off and yellowish cumspunk spurts out of his open neck. [David gazes away from the camera at a producer] Oh, you've only gone an' obtained a still from it? Hah-hah-hah-hah! I thought the reel disappeared for good.




David Jason: And according to a 'rumour' that went around the canteen which turned out to be fictionally true, George Lucas contacted John Sullivan to arrange a CGI update involving some fucking silly alien flangehead with a weird sort of elongated snout with large lips, prancing around and squeaking a song in front of Del and Trigger.






David Jason: All of a sudden, Greedo takes a shot at me and my head is digitally jerked as I fall through the bar as I blast a shot at him, quite inexplicably.





Lyndhurst: Rodney and Cassandra had their ups and downs - just like the poxy lift, heh-hah-hah.

David Jason: The wedding day was such a delicately crafted slice of television. Despite it being fictional I felt distinctly moved. It goes without saying how brilliant it is when Del is grasping the wedding cake model, yearning for a better future once he realises Rodney's achieved more than himself, then the camera smoothly pans upwards and Simply Red's chart-hit cements him to the ground.

John Challis: Ahh'll kee-eeep hoo-oolding onnnnn. Sorry, I've not said anything for a few minutes. I'll carry on singing: Holding. Holding. HOLDING. AAAAAGH-EEEGH-AGH-AGH-EEEGH-AAAGH-AGH-AGH!

David Jason: And then there was the Jolly Boys' Outing.

N Lyndhurst: The Jolly Boys' Outing! What a stupendous weekend of mirth that was. One of my cherished memories.

David Jason: Us lads had a whale of a time down at Margate. It was like a holiday weekend.

John Challis: Yes, I featured in this episode. I don't think I said much. But we had a great time while filming. Here's a photo of Kenneth, myself and Roger. If Roger were alive today he'd be king of the hipsters.



David Jason: Oh! That's riiiight! (Slaps his knee) I just remembered something: when we were filming Miami Twice: Oh to be In England - which I'll prattle about soon enough - we got chatting to the special effects and CGI crew that worked on Terminator 2: Judgement Day, an' a couple of the chaps there were over from Blighty, and they were huge fans of Only Fools; they had a copy of Jolly Boys' Outing on Beeb Video and they said they can work the old computer magic and play about with one of the scenes. A few days later, they rang us up in our hotel and invited us to see a short they worked on.

Lyndhurst: It was so enthralling and quite special to see that these talented chaps lovingly incorporated a menacing character from a Hollywood blockbuster into Jolly Boys' Outing.

David Jason: Wha' they done was they changed it so that the T-1000 was now the Boyce-1000, and when everyone disperses off the bus believing it'll explode, the dodgy radio starts churning out liquid nitrogen and Boycie plods across the puddle and his legs shatter with each footstep and so on.

Lyndhurst: No stills of it exist. I believe it's been put in the National Archives.

David Jason: There were more highlights than a Stabilo-drawn illustration. Such as the funfair wheel and Paul Barber saying 'Oh fuccccck' albeit with that wistful tune playing over it



Paul Barber: When Iy woz in the spinny thenngggg, I said 'bolloooocksoooooocks!'. We had sohm right laffs. Eh-eh, cohm 'ead! Sof' laah! Chreembo Prhrhezzih! Duh bizzies! Woht sortov gohnge?

David Jason: That huge ice cream I mockingly ate in front of the lads went through my ringpiece, I can tell you. I budged my fudge without any straining. I felt sorry for the poor hotel cleaner who spruced the whoosh bowl the yonder morn'.

Lyndhurst: I whistled The Good, The Bad and the Ugly theme music. Good fun. But I didn't really wallop a ponce in his double-barrelled snotgun. Nope. I'm part of a union. I merely thrust my arm and clenched fist in violently traditional fashion.

David Jason: Series 7.

Lyndhurst: The final series.

David Jason: Stage Fright - what an episode. And in my objective opinion, Tony Angelino Cwying is furlongs better than that the good-but-not-great Bar Fall, and is by far the greatest moment of the entire series. So many levels of funnifuns.

Lyndhurst: Phillip Pope is a remarkable talent. He was off that Channel 4 thing during the 80s. Then he became a composer for telly programmes.

David Jason: Am I the only one who thinks Eric the 'former' club owner appears to be more of a villain than Eugene McCarthy, who looks like a bored betting office manager? Well I do.

Tessa Peake-Jones: I did all the singing myself, it's quite feasible as I'm not a particularly good singer in the first place.

David Jason: And then... Damien.

Lyndhurst: DDDDaymeyon!

David Jason: I recall Rodney's clip-on follicle flap. Annnnnd the midwife's wig. It was a real wig, too. Hairy.

TPJ: I did all the labour screaming myself, which is believable because I'm not that adept a singer.

David Jason: I held the actor baby in my arms, looked up at a passing plane in the night sky, and I reeled in a comely end to the series. Or so we thought...




                                                                                          END OF PART TWO

[Glebe]

David Jason: I recall Rodney's clip-on follicle flap. Annnnnd the midwife's wig. It was a real wig, too. Hairy.

[JoeyBananaduck]

Part 2 did not disappoint. After this the actual Gold documentary can only be a massive letdown.

[DangledTeeth]

Lyndhurst: John wasn't too sure about Fools' future. I mean, seven series is more than satisfactory and there's only so much you can write until it loses its sparkle.



David: Sullivan still had the comical penmanship coursing through his veins and pressed on with Xmas specials. Before I speak in detail about the post-1990 Xmas specials, I'd like to give mention to Rodney Come Home.

Lyndhurst: It was brilliant on set. We had a few re-takes for the part where Albert feigns shock at Rodney's idea to take a tart to the pikchoz. David and I couldn't help but laugh at Buster's over-the-top gasp.

David: Tony Dow walked up to us and gave us a warning: 'We've spent a lot of time mixing apple juice and sunflower oil to make the chair seem like it's been authentically drenched in piss, and Buster's corduroy trousers won't be washable if he's seated for too long - and they cost us 25 pounds sterling. If you laugh again it'll be the end of the Xmas specials.'

Lyndhurst: We aced the scene, of course.

David: In the same year, 1990, there was a short special called The Robin Flies at Dawn, this was a goodwill message to the lads serving in the Gulf War. The original has never been broadcast, and is safely stored in the Imperial War Museum. Or it might be at the back of my wardrobe, same thing.

Lyndhurst: The Reliant Robin was modified. One of the set designers balanced a tripod on the roof to look like a mounted M60.

David: And as a surprise for you loyal viewers, here is the clip for your viewing delectation...








































David: The Xmas special that shadowed the end of series 7 was the bold yet sketchy Miami Twice. It was the biggest piece of filmography since To Hull and Back, and while it wasn't as thrilling or as funny as THAB, it was satisfactory and the comedy was there.

Lyndhurst: I thought David's portrayal of a mafia don in the style of Marlon Brandon, I believe, was largely accurate and mostly convincing. I say that as someone who's never watched The Godfather. But I suppose the tan helped - I would know.

David: When we arrived in the States we were on relatively tight budget, and we had to hire these idle truck-driving types known as 'teamsters'. One of our guides urged us to pay for a group of these blokes to follow us about because they're quite territorial and are like 'the mafia' - now that's quite ironic. They came with us to shooting locations and slouched against heavy-duty travel chests and ate sandwiches with their glute slice riding above their jeans' waist.

John Challis: I appeared inside a plane in the middle of the episode, and towards the end I was on a hovercraft. There wasn't a 'HA-EGH-AGH-AGH-AGH-EGH-AGH', therefore you won't get a catchphrase out of me.

David: The Miami nightclub, where we bumped into Rico and his mates, was actually filmed in a disused carpark in Bulkworthy. And Rico's house was filmed in the Godshill Model Village on the Isle of Wight.

END OF PA- oh, wait a second...

Lyndhurst: At Christmas in 1992, Mother Nature's Son was broadcast for the first time. Who could forget the diving suit?

David: Core parts of John's scripts were based on real-life experiences. John bought one of those gaming consoles called a Sega Mega Drive for his son; it included a cartridge of Sonic the Hedgehog 2 as part of a bundle released that year. This game introduced Miles 'Tails' Prower, and that's how supermarket owner Miles was developed. It was just the name, though. I mean, he wasn't a two-tailed anthropomorphic fox, only a friend-of-the-earth capitalist.

Lyndhurst: The special effects used on Denzil's and Trigger's hands are timeless - the part when Del, Trigger and Denzil attempt to drop nuclear waste off at the council depot, and Denzil and Trigger raise a palm to signal goodbye thereby displaying a luminous glow. 'Neon piss splodge' is what the crew called it.

David: The diving suit was a bastard to slip into. It was so humid and had a faintly sick smell, bit like a cabbage fart in a greenhouse.

Paul Barber: I drove the van, no stunt driver. You can tell by the sweeping shot and because I face the camera as I acknowledged Del and Rodney. Quiet road. No traffic.

David: The final scene where the Trotters unwind at a hotel in Brighton wasn't filmed at the famous shingle city. In fact, it was filmed at the Tropical Coconuts Club in Miami, even though you can see a shot of Brighton pier before it became charcoal bones. Then again, perhaps not. I've not watched it in a while.

Lyndhurst: This episode was adequate but by no means outstanding. Rodney's environmental yuppy acquaintance seemed like a plain representation of Del and Rodney's values. And the dubious, incredibly illegal nature - heh-hah 'nature' - of their tap water purveyance seemed very high risk to the degree of there be a likelihood they'd be inevitably caught, surely Trading Standards or similar would have to approve the facilities they were using before mass-production. And a reference to the conclusion of their venture in the next Xmas special, Fatal Extraction, would have been welcome.

David: I enjoyed the dentist scenes in Fatal Extraction. Plenty of laughs were had on set. The actor who played Beverly the receptionist messed up her line when Trigger enters, she wrongly said 'What's wrong with you?! You mango!' to which Roger retorted 'Pearhaps you can mend my incisors'. Hah-hah-hah-heh. What a witty bloke Roger was. Bless 'im.

Lyndhurst: We didn't stay all night in a casino. We had permission to film the swinging doors inside of the entrance when they opened in the morning. Have you ever noticed that when Rodney goes home to find Raquel's staying there because Del's all-nighter was the last straw, Cassandra doesn't question where Rodney had been.

David: The riot scene was well organised. What you may not know is some of the rioters are playing the dramatic music - Mars, the Bringer of War - with planks of wood, fence wire and the cage section of shopping trolleys. And that Russian camcorder was fucking heavy.

Lyndhurst: The Xmas specials came to a halt.

David: I was busy with Inspector Frost and finished The Darling Buds of May. Nick started Goodnight Sweetheart.

Lyndhurst: John wanted to give the Trotters an ending they and the audience wanted.

David: 1996 was the year of the Xmas trilogy.

Tessa Peake-Jones: My ex-husband played adult Damien in Rodney's nightmare.

David: John injected a lot of warmth, poignancy and inventive gags that kept us watching and laughing equally. It was a proud yet gloomy moment for all the cast and crew for Only Fools coming to an end. If I recall correctly, Time on our Hands was even produced in the early hours of the morning and Gareth Gwenlan and team napped on the floor of the editing room.

Lyndhurst: The Batman and Robin sequence is easily one of my most favourite televisual pieces. It is a staggeringly accomplished work of art. Oh-and-the-dream-scene-is-nice.



Gwyneth Strong: I finally get to speak. Hello.

David: Heroes and Villains was the first episode of three in the three-part trilogy of triple episodes in threes. Now the premise of this applotment is based on John's real-life experiences with fancy dress parties and he is a fan of Batman and Robin - put the two together and whaddyer ge'? Comedy! I must emphasise that John has never deliberately nor inadvertently scared off a group of muggers, and I don't think his local councillor is a black woman. As for the council grant, I believe that's loosely based on the time he won £65 on a scratch card.

Lyndhurst: The Robin tights made my legs itch with sudden waves of friction.

David: We had a few takes for Batman and Robin as we bowed our heads in an attempt to disguise our giggling during our spurt of jogging.

Lyndhurst: Sheree 'Dawn' Murphy, who approaches Councillor Murray and says 'Sorry, miss, have you seen a policeman around here?', was close to fuming.

David: She marched across to Nick and I, and she wagged a finger and said 'There's only one shot at this. If you mess this up next time they'll be no more to the trilogy. It'll be a oneilogy. I need to star in this scene in order to progress on to Emmerdale and as a panelist on Loose Women. I may end up doing much more, but I can't consult Winkapedia because it doesn't yet exist, whatever it is. I'm beginning to lose my rag with you, sweethearts. I'm gonna count to ten and if you don't heartily jog towards the camera without laughing, I'm going shove this velvet hat right up your...'. And I cannot complete the quote because 'arse' is a very offensive word.

Lyndhurst: John added an arc to the story, that Rodney was to become a father (or not, depending on how you look at it).

David: We had to film an additional version of the double good news, as Rodney and Del sing the bridge to the Three Lions 'Euro 1996' anthem by Baddiel and Skinner and The Lighting Seeds, which coulda been questionable to the sensitive ears of the copyright holders. So, in the alternate version we still do out little drink-chugging motion and imitated the sound of smooth jazz brush-drumming.

Lyndhurst: Modern Men was afterwards.

David: The following episode was Modern Men.

Tessa Peake-Jones: Modern Men.

Gwyneth Strong: Modern Men was next in the specials.

David: From triumph to tragedy. It was like giving a fiver to a simpering Salvation Army fundraiser then slamming the door in your face... but with a miscarriage.

Lyndhurst: Gwyneth's performance was very strong [pauses with a brief grin]. Her acting must be lauded whenever this scene is brought up as a subject.

Gwyneth: I'd never cried on set before, apart from the time I heard news that Eldorado would come to an end. I adored that poorly acted splash of piss.

David: John was a masterful writer who could inject nuanced pathos among the guffaw-inducing scenes with the utmost thoughtfulness. And this was an Xmas special, a time when you're lounging on a settee with your family trombing out some gassy notes. I mean, you don't expect to watch a comedy with a distraught, hospitalised woman crying about her expired twat baggage while you're eating a Turkish Delight. [Slants head, raised eyebrows, slow nod]

Lyndhurst: This turn of devastating events led to the last in the trilogy.

David: There's the heart-to-heart exchange in a graffiti-covered lift. Gravyfee across the lamb. Faints at Sotheby's. Rockin' Robin. Millionaire montage. Empty abode. Sunset ending. Lumley's jubblies!

Lyndhurst: John aimed to think of a lucrative scheme that could provide the Trotters with the millions of pounds.

David: At first, John bounced a few ideas with myself and I suggested an anniversary get-together sequence for Lisa and Andy from Tea for Three and The Frog's Legacy. But a 10th anniversary wouldn't be significant and it'd have to be done the following year. My idea wassss the Trotters attend their anniversary hosted on a boat. And the events of Frog's Legacy and the location encourage Del to hire a boat and use the diving suit from Mother Nature's Son in order to search for the hidden bullion left by Frederick Robdall. There would have been a laughter scene where I whack a shark in his gum daggers. Unfortunately, John politely disregarded the idea because it would be costly and would require permission from a seaside council to film; we'd need to hire a trainer for a loaned shark (I doubt Sea Life would lend us one of theirs), and have a rescue/medical team available, and the insurance would be huge. In other words, John thought it was 'an inventive notion, but a bit overboard and twatty'.

Lyndhurst: John began to consider another way of acquiring the money instead of earning it through a shifty task.

David: John eventually read about antiques and noticed a timepiece at the Greenwich Maritime Museum, and John was a real watchmaker. Erm, John Harrison, not Sullivan. John (Sullivan, of course) wanted to ensure that the Trotters auctioned an item that has genuine, credible history. The vital receipt used to prove ownership of the watch was a subtle tip of the hat to the first episode where Rodney organises and stores the receipts.

Lyndhurst: The auction was filmed at Sotheby's. But to cover expenses the Beeb requested to film at the back of a real auction with a couple of out-of-view crash mats to cushion our fainting. But that's what they were initially meant to supply us; the production crew placed a big trampoline behind us by mistake. Here's a test shot when David realised this.



David: The item that was genuinely sold was a bike chain that used to belong to Ernest Hemingway.

Lyndhurst: The Rolls Royce was hired. We couldn't buy it from Boycie on account of him being fictional.

John Challis: I changed Boycie's laughter when Rodney vengefully presents the Sotheby's letter signifiying the sale. I'll do a little demonstration, okay... ready... 'HHHHAH-AGH-EGH-AGH-AGH-EGH-AGH-AGH... AGH.. HEGH... AHEH!'

Paul Barber: I was first to clap. Mesmerised expression. Feeehrlreh ehcruss duh meehzee.

Buster Merryfield: I sailed the boat Albert bought with his winnings, which is believable as their wasn't much river traffic and it was only for a few seconds.

David: The flat/set was empty and all that was left for us to do was shoe it across to the sunset for a takeaway. John considered adding a cartoon-style effect, but he decided against it as it wouldn't make any sense for Del, Rodney and Albert to become animated caricatures... but it doesn't make much sense for the estate to gradually disappear in a fading green screen effect to then be met by the ginormous presence of a magnified sunset. That was the leftfield genius of John Sullivan, bless 'im. And so... Del reached the pinnacle of his mountain and drove the TIT flag firmly into the peak. He became a millionaire, along with Rodney and Albert. But their days were not truly set in the sun. Oh no-no-no-no, not on your telly!

END OF PART THREE

[JoeyBananaduck]

I mean, you don't expect to watch a comedy with a distraught, hospitalised woman crying about her expired twat baggage while you're eating a Turkish Delight. [Slants head, raised eyebrows, slow nod]

So wrong but so perfect. I dun a lol.

[DangledTeeth]

Thanks again for the acknowledgement, chaps. And here is the final part.




David: Half a decade after the supposed conclusion to Only Fools, it was broadcast again with three - count 'em - three new episodes for Xmas in 2001, '02, and '03 AND a Sport Relief special in 2014. Lively jumble!

Nick: It was around the time I began filming for the Geordie WH Smith Xmas advert I was contacted by John and he conveyed by phone: 'Hey Nick, get ready to be happy'.

David: There was a stretch three-wheeler that was used for promotional photos. Well, I also flew a yellow helicopter in order to raise awareness. I'm not sure if anyone thought of Only Fools when they saw an airborne lemon zipping overhead without the trademark company name and locations emblazoned on the side, and the theme music wasn't blasting out like in Metal Gear Solid V. But I did my bit.

Nick: We came back to Miamico, which was new to Tessa and Gwyneth, to shoot the 'Living la Vida Loca' sequence.

Tessa: Never been before.

Gwyneth: Good weather.

David: We knew the music could be stripped because of the license running out for future releases, so we redid the same scene again without any music. It wasn't until the stage director and gaffer approached us and remembered the whole second take was redundant because the music track is added over the scene. Did we feel a right bunch of idiots that day. Hah-hah-hah-hah.

Tessa: It took me a while to get back into character. [Shifty, uncertain expression] but I eased myself into things again.

Nick: The Trotters were millionaires, emphasis on were. There needed to be a solid reason as to how a chunk of the wealth went walkies. And when I say 'a chunk of the wealth', I mean the entire fucking lot.

David: Sullivan the genius swished his forearm and blurted out 'stock market crash'. That's how imagine it happened, I wasn't there.

Nick: The Trotters were up Hookey Creek with a second-hand paddle held together by masking tape.

David: Del was caught out for trading without a license; he owed inland revenue a substantial amount of regal tokens. And he couldn't be the director of the company, but Rodney could!

Nick: Damien was of course older.

David: Ben Smith was a joyous lad to work alongside; he was always putting marbles outside my changing room door and putting itching powder down Nick's back. And er, blasting peas from a plastic tube at Gwyneth's head, and grasping a Y-shaped thick branch of wood with an elasticated strip affixed in between each bit, using it to launch tomatoes at Tony Dow.

Nick: While there was an update to the cast with an older actor, older actor Buster Merryfield passed away in 1999. And I became trapped in 1945. Hah-heh. And Kenneth MacDonald, best known as Mike, died in 2001.

David: John noted that Buster was a huge success as Uncle Albert who filled the empty place where Grandad was, as you know. John thought of bringing in Uncle Jack the tobacco baron. Ian McKellen, Clive Swift and Burt Kwuok were mooted for the role, but I helpfully pointed out that a second replacement would be flagrant and disrespectful to Buster's longer run as a third character. As for Kenneth, bless 'im, John bestowed the pub duties to Sid who was played by the late Roy Heather, bless 'im.

Nick: John Sullivan had to write Albert's passing into the episode. We thought the church organ music might be copyrighted, even though it's not exactly a modern hit owned by some witless heathen. Therefore, I ran along with an anchor wreath and plodded to a bewildered halt to a music track by the Avalanches Flight Tonight as a back-up. But that was heavily copyrighted, so we went along with 'Sexy Motherfucker' covered by Les Dawson.

Del: Buster Merryfield, what a sorely missed friend and actor. Bless 'im.

Nick: John wanted to provide a money-earning opportunity but with a twist. He didn't want it to be a far-fetched business deal gone awry, or a situation where Rodney is exploited yet again. So he came up with an idea for Del to appear on a game show in order to win a big cash prize.

David: Now, John's decision for Del to appear on a game show was originally meant to occur on Who Wants to be a Millionaire, which would have been a knowing thumbs-up to the past episode of the same name. Due to a problem with the programme rights it never transpired. John had a contact at Countdown, who had a word with the production manager and agreed to let us film a test shoot to see how convincing and humorous Del could appear in this setting. For your ocular orgasm, here is a never-before-seen clip of this test shoot.

-

Richard Whiteley: We come to the letters game, Derek to select.

Del: Can I have a constantnant please, Carol.

Carol: T.

Del: Two sugars for me, darlin'. With a vowel

Carol: A.

Del: I said two sugars for me with a vowel.

Carol: O

Del: Don't sound so surprised. And a composternant, please.

Carol: B

Del: Where?! We'd best roll up a magazine and whack the buzzy cunt. Another one, please.

Carol: Y.

Del: It's how the game's played. And a vowel please, Rachel.

Albert*: Oo's Rachel?!

Carol, Richard Whiteley, Dictionary Corner, Del, Contestant 2, and Audience: SHUT UP, ALBERT!


*Played by Ian Lindsay

-

Nick: Jonathan Ross caught wind that John was writing three new episodes and had difficultly developing the game show element. He's a massive fan of Only Fools so Jonathan asserted himself to assist John Sullivan.

Jonathan Ross: I weally adowah Only Fools and Hawses. John gave me a stwaightfowawd wequest foh me to scwutinise the scwipt and make suwe that I wecognised my vocabulawy and style stwoke appwoach was pwesent in the pawagwaphs. It was cwucial foh me to shawe sevewal ideas no matteh how widiculously outwageous or twitely ohwdinawy they weh. He could wely on me to wead the dwaft vehsion. Afteh all, with my wudimentawy expewience and pwofound dextewity with numewous pwogwammes, I cehtainly am the wight kind of pehson to ohwganise a piss-up in a bwewewy.

David: Jonathan and Sullivan overcame this proverbial hiccup in the script by developing a fictional game show - Goldrush - in the realm of Only Fools, and with Jonathan's experience as a panelist for game shows and as a host of his chat-show programme he was a valuable asset. Sullivan was going to call the game show 'Top Rank', but Jonathan wasn't enthusiastic about the title, for some inexplicable reason.

Jonathan Ross: Oh yeah, the owiginal title foh the game show... let's just say it was considewably twicky to pwonounce.

Nick: John thought it was paramount for Rodney to fulfill his uniform fantasy, therefore John penned an implied yet mild piece of 70s-style lasciviousness with an open bedroom door and audible grunting.

David: OOooofFfFF! Oooh, Rodney! Hah-hah-heh-heh-hah!

Jimmy Carr: HYAH-HAH-HOH-HOH-HOH-HOH-HAR-HAR-HaAaAaAAaAW!

Gwyneth: We didn't really have [nudges head sideways, coyly smirks] you know... a fuck.

Nick: RhRussowl Cwowe! The armour was pretty light.

Gwyneth: Does dressing-up constitute impersonating a policewoman?! [Circles the chair a few times and nibbles her nails] I-did-an-illegal-thing-I-did-an-illegal-thing.

David: The bit where an exasperated Rodney leaves his spamming session to answer Jonathan Ross's call is priceless.

Nick: We did an alternative reshoot of this part as a leaving present for one of the light-riggers. It had no significance whatsoever, but the heart was there.

-

Rodney storms out of the bedroom to answer the phone

Rodney (On Phone): HAHLAOH!

Jonathan Ross (on TV): Hello Wodney, it's Jonathan Woss on Goldwush. Dewek is heyah with me and he needs yaw help

Rodney (On Phone): Oh, cunt this bollocks for a game of hide an' seek with a redundant pillowcase! I know it's you with that stupid fucking voice. Pack your arse and shit off!

Jonathan Ross (On TV): No, Wodney, it's weally Jonathan Woss.

Rodney (On phone): Yeah, I'm aware of that.

Jonathan Ross (On TV): Hauh-hauh-hauh-hauh. The Cowwect answah is Wavel. Twat musket.

-

David: 'Kick yaw arse into shredded dahk.' is what Del said once he believed Mickey Pearce did another prank call when it was Mr Not Bob Ross informing the Trotters the answer was in fact correct etc.

Nick: They're the Trotters.

David: And they were back. YUUAAS!

Nick: And then there was the event of Albert Gladstone Trotter's send-off (urn-wise I mean) in France.

David: Filming did not occur in France, which isn't quite believable considering it isn't far, there's the Eurostar and OFAH is a big enough sitcom to be granted a large budget for production and filming costs. I suppose it saves money.

Nick: It was filmed in Greenwich Park and the Crystal Palace TV mast was in the background to give the impression it was the Eiffel Tower, the one in France. France in Europe.

David: There was a little problem with the Crystal Palace aerial tower being in shot: it used to have a light blue, er, light which flashed intermittently, which the Eiffel Tower doesn't have or do.

Nick: The whole scene was redone with expensive-looking CGI effects.



James Ellis (Speaking in 2012): Oohwh, I sturred in this wee upisode as George Parker who wuz Onkol Owbot's fraiend in the Nihvy. Ohh God, it was mad craic altogether. But sure, I wanted tuh go tuh France instead of Ehngland, but I dadn't have motch choice in thah motter. Weeehlll, the weather wusn't tooeuh guhd. Ohhwhh, the mountain's brehve an' close, right enoff. Oh god, ye wudn't be long gettin' frustbut. Those old sherks I baought as wehll, I had to torn the heeh... the hem, I had ta torn the hem up to me foot there. Ohhhh, Lohndon's a fah plehce feh mey tuh have gone. Derrih tah Kaddermenster woulda been faine. Wehll, there was a wee bihla snow when the falming tuk plehce, right enoff, it was a day for the house, right enoff. Ach no, it wus ahraight after a wy-yul.  Wehll thank yehz anyweh. Goohd lohck, ahraight. Bye-bye. (I have no idea why I sound like a drunk Glaswegian.)

David: There was a mildly funny, visual implication about Albert's prolific porking. This was done by providing several 60-year-old men with a false beard each, but this was quite costly on the wallet and time-consuming to an unbelievable proportion, which meant the beards were all digitally yet laboriously added.

Nick: I enjoyed the mundane conversation between Denzil and Trigger. The packet of Jelly Babies was about £1.20, which was a lot of money in those days, I can tell you. We never bought any beer or wine. Prop boxes.

David: The plate of Chicken Trotter wasn't cooked.

Nick: Apart from 'during the war', lines weren't repeated frequently in an episode. The repetition of 'Gary' was very funny the first time - if you were/are a teenager - but quickly became tedious on repeat viewings and it's the kind of line you'd expect as an 'ace up the sleeve' from a light sitcom with an Friday evening slot on BBC One or Two. Such as My Family, Citizen Khan [Scratches near his upper lip] and, erm, After You've Gone.

Danny Baker: Onion Brylcreem. Wasn't that just great.

Nick: The ending of Del, Rodney and Boycie in a police van going past a concrete French landmark (at least that's how I remember it) was a reference to my painting 'Marble de Triomphe at Dawn', which was called 'Marble Dawn at Dusk' in A Royal Flush.

David: And then... [appears sickened and does a tight-lipped heave] Sleepless in Peckham.

Nick: The last Xmas special.

David: No disrespect to John, bless 'im, I wasn't much of a fan of this one. I thought the previous two Xmas specials were quite good; they each had a 'Triggerism' and the original gameshow aspect added a bit of dimension for If They Could See Us Now - the general formula was there. There was a dip in quality and pace with Strangers on the Shore, but I thought it was fairly good (and you can't expect flawlessness 20 years later), therefore I cannot understand why Sleepless in Peckham was... well... how-can-I-put-it... an insubordinate deposit from a termite's arse.

Nick: John may have been driving the metaphorical vehicle on a near-empty tank of petrol, but he cruised respectably along with the previous two Xmas specials. I... can't comprehend why Sleepless in Peckham is largely devoid of humour and vigour.

David: We all know by now that John based some of the classic instances of comedy on elements of his experiences. John told me about this bloke in the pub who had imbibed a few sherberts, and the drunk bloke gazed out the window at a traffic light and said 'Oh, it's there. Now it's changed colour. Must be an airplane'. I thought it was absurdly funny, so I said 'John, that is a very side-splitting occurence. It has the potential to be uproarious. You've got to include it into the episode'. I expected him to sculpt his experience into something far funnier, but instead we got Trigger being incredibly dopey with his observation - which is poor enough on its own yet his character tried to be more brighter and inventive in that last one, and it doesn't add up in any way. I can understand that it's nice for Trigger to evolve through a clever and fulfilling activity, i.e. that back-scratching invention he was working on. But he wasn't aware of his stupidity, and the characters weren't unpleasant towards him, therefore there was no need to add more to him.

Nick: And Marlene had her chesticles enhanced. The speculation of her disappearance wasn't absorbing in the faintest.

David: Roy Heather, bless 'im, delivered the only funny line 'and take your foster tits with you'. Saying that, I thought the whole sequence was good yet distinctly average, when Boycie remembers - once he's been barred - that the occasion is for him and Marlene and that he's paying for the drinks, resulting in people piling up to the bar. But it wasn't enough to salvage the plain inadequacy of the final addition to the entire series.

Nick: Closure on the identity of Rodney's father was neutral. It made no difference either way. Rodney and Cassandra finally becoming and mum and dad was lovely, and the gravesite part was nice but not up to the same standards as other more serious instances.

David: John tragically passed away in 2011. He was planning to make a special for Del's 65th birthday and retirement according to a few webpages, but as I perhaps said in 'David Jason: My Life on Screen' it was Del's 60th. The idea could never have been developed. And the last scrap of current Only Fools we've seen, aside from the 'The Favourites', the aforementioned 'David Jason: My Life on Screen' and this documentary, is the Sport Relief special in 2014 with David Beckham.

Nick: It was humbling to work with a respected ex-footballer and fashion icon. He's such a fun guy on and off camera. The tip of the hat to Del Falls Through the Bar is marvellous.

David: And to conclude the last part of this documentary, here is an alternate 'director's cut' version of Sport Relief 2014 'Beckham in Peckham'.












































































-





David: The legacy of Only Fools and Horses lives on for generations to come. And we have the late, great John Sullivan to thank. And Ray Butt, Tony Dow, Gareth Gwenlan, the production, film and wardrobe departments to thank, too. Not forgetting all the tremendous actors who've made significant contributions to the sitcom. This time next year there'll still be daily repeats of OFAH. Until the next documentary... Bonjour, you plonkersticks.

[JoeyBananaduck]

These were great. Thanks for doing them!

[DangledTeeth]

Trey Parker: Welcome back, Fools Parkateers. You've waited a long time to find out who the fathah of Rahdneh Trahtaw is. Here is a recap of...

Rodney: Aow, bbbllahddy hahyol! Just tell mey who my cosmiccing dad is.

Trey Parker: Ah, sorreh buddeh. Just hold on a few seconds.

----

Mephesto: I can discover the identity of your father.

Rodney: How?

Mephesto: Through state-of-the-science DNA testing

Del: Wow. You look like David Attenborough with a wankerchief under yer hat.

Mephesto: Yes, thanks. I'll need the denizens of this fair town to come upstairs to a make-shift laboratory.

Int. Nag's Head Hire Room

Several regulars have gathered

Mephesto: The father of Rodney Trotter is indeed somebody in this room. The father or Rodney Trotter is...

Trey Parker (V/O): Whoooo is Rahdneh Trahttah's fahthah? Is is Mike, the pub landlord of the Nag's Head?



Mike: Eh!?

Trey Parker (V/O): Or is it... Boycie?



Boycie: HAH-AGH-EGH-AGH-AGH-EGH-AGH!

Trey Parker (V/O): Could it be Trigger?



Trigger: Most probably. Awroight, Dadve.

Trey Parker (V/O): The answer is coming on an all-new Fools Park in just a few days.

Rodney: Wha'?! Oh cosmic! Son of a cosmic bitch!


----



Trey Parker: And a few days turned into 2 and a 1/2 months. And now, the conclusion to The Frog's Legarsey is finally here.





Int. Nag's Head Hire Room

Mephesto: The father of Rodney Trotter is indeed somebody in this room.

Del: We know thaa-aaeeght.

Mephesto: the father is...

The room becomes completely darkened

Boycie: Who turned off the lights?!

Trey Parker: Who turned off the lights?! Was it Uncle Albert?



Albert: It's goh naink ta do wi' me, sahn. (Albert throws Mr Hat aside) GGGGERRRCHAH!

Trey Parker Or is it the 1990 squad of Charlton Athletic?

A figure coolly steps into the room and turns the dimmer light on

All: Sla'er!?!?

Trigger: ...Roy.

Slater: Surprise! I had you going, didn't I? Be honest, I had you this time! Of all your old classmates you never guessed Roy Slater would be here!

Boycie: We weren't expecting anyone. If we were, I'd say it woulda been our old headmaster Bend-over Boscombe.

Slater: Oh. Well I'm here now. I mean you no harm; I can't do you any harm. I'm an undertaker's teaboy.

Denzil: Yeah, and you're still puttin' bohdeez uhway.

Del: Speakin' of bodies... where the flamin' cunt has that Meccano bloke gone?

Rodney: Mephesto.

Del: This ain't the time to talk about your tootsies, Rodney!

Boycie: You mean to say that scientist chap has done a runner?

Rodney: Ohhhh cosmic! Cosmickeypearce!

Del: Where the dipsticking fuck can he be?

Albert: I'm gonna put a modicum of tabacca in my pipe.

Del's face develops a 'eureka!' expression. He slaps a half-eaten burger into a beefeater's Trigger's hands and zooms out of the room

Rodney follows in pursuit

Int. Nag's Head Bar

Rodney: Del! Del! Wai'!

Del: I know where Mephesto's 'iding.

Del nudges his head to indicate the exterior

Rodney: I'll take the lemon rustbucket, you take the Twatpri Qhia.

Del (Exasperated, to himself): Wha' did you say?!

Del and Rodney exit to the car park

Int. Hire Room

The lads are sipping a few pints, and Mephesto waltzes in

Mephesto: Where's Rodney and that, er, brother of his?

Boycie: They wen' ou' looking faw yaou.

Mephesto: Ah. I went to the toilet. These momentous occasions play havoc with my bladder.

Slater: Well, why don't we all have a drink until they come back.

Mephesto: Make it a non-alcoholic orange juice, whoever you are.

Albert: Ar'll 'ave a lahge rahm, just tah woam me cockles.

Denzil: I'll have a pint of Carling. Trigger?

Trigger: I'll have the same as you, Denzil. Pint of Fosters, please.

Boycie: Aw yaou orf yaw trolleay!? That's the same bloke who put you away in a young offenders' 'ome for those stolen tins of Jolly Green Giant.

Trigger: Allll weeee heeaaar iiiisss Radio Blanket.

Trigger does a suave wink

Denzil: Large cognac?

Boycie: Preferably now... AND QUICK!

Ext. Tahbacca Raoad

Del and Rodney alight from the Capri Ghia and three-wheeler then they approach an installation/sculpture of a pair of boots

Del: 'e's not here, Rodders.

Rodney: Where do you think he's gone?

Del: I don't know. (Del admires the view) Moikal Caine. Sell a currant bahn to a rich Arab. Jubbly Jubbly!

Rodney: Let's go back to the Nag's 'ead. I'll take the Cuntmobile; you'll drive the Unreliant Oblong.

Del: Flamin' taaht!

Int. Journalist Office - Canteen

Top film critic Mark Kermode is seated at a table

A styrofoam box of chips inexplicably opens by itself

Chip 1: You must hurry!

Chip 2: He almost has one of them!

Mark: Not a copy of I, Frankenstein?!

Chip 2: No, no, much worse than that.

Mark: My God! You mean...

Chip 1: You must travel to Peckham, a shithole located in south London. There you'll search for the bearded sailor.

Mark: Great.

Ext. Street - Van

Rodney: Gone poachin'. Bom-bom-bom.

Del: Oi, enough of zat!

Mark Kermode approaches the driver's side of the van in a minor traffic jam

Mark: Excuse me, sir...

Del: Now if it's about that plugless toaster I s- 'old ahp, you're that panelist bloke on the telly.

Mark: Well, I have appeared on Newsnight Review a few times.

Del: Get on board, son. No room at the front, though. You'll have to squeeze in at the back, mate.



Del: So, are they gonna make any more Shoo'ing Stars?

Mark: I'm not Mark Lamarr. I'm Mark Kermode.

Del: A bit like them Japanese dragon things or those undercover khazis?

Rodney: No, that's komodo and commode.

Del: You're tellin' me, brarv.

Rodney: Where do you need a lift to?

Mark: Have you seen Roy Slater lately?

Del: Oh, 'im. Nah. Not since he got sen' down for smuggling diamonds.

Mark: He's been released from prison.

Del: No?! Gaw, don't time flies.

Rodney: It's fly.

Del: Nah, it's just a wasp, Rodney.

Del flicks his hand to fan away a flying insect

Mark: He's looking for the aforementioned diamonds - the Diamonds of Van Cleef to be precise.

Rodney: What's he wan' them for?

Mark: I'll explain soon. Did you ever notice the grandeur of Slater?

Del: Well, I always thought he was kind of a cunt, but...

Mark: More than a cunt, Mr...

Del: Trotter. Derek Trotter. But you can call me Del.

Mark: He's a calculating, self-centred, egotistical cunt. He was born in a small town. His mother was a salesman and his father was an insurance jackal. When he was five, he knew he wanted to join the Met. He enrolled in a training program and moved up the ranks of the police force. Then he was assigned to investigate a diamond-smuggling racket, which led him to a dodgy merchant called Hendrik van Cleef, who had held a couple of haunted diamonds originating from a pagan tribe. It's been said the diamonds of Van Cleef were all accounted for except for four diamonds. Two diamonds - the Diamonds of Van Cleef in particular - were stored inside an old man's pipe.

Del: That's Uncah Lahbert and his tobacco tube!

Mark: Yes, Del. You must take me to your great-uncle immediately. Do you know where he is?

Del: Yeah. He's down at the Nag's Head.

Mark: Then we must hurry. If Slater manages to obtain the pipe-hidden diamonds he'll fulfill his prophecy, and become the most threatening thing to mankind. Mecha-Slater!

Del: Mega-Slater. Dunno wha' that is, pal, but it doesn't sound cushty.

Int. Trotters' Flat

The lads and Albert are continuing the festivities

Albert: I bet it was 'ard, what with you bein' an ex-coppah.

Slater: Oh yeah. The warders used to say 'Put all hope out of your mind, and masturbate as little as possible. It drains the strength. Snide! Snide! We're gonna get you, snide! I hope Rachel can sew, Slater!'

Albert: Oo's Rachel?

Trey Parker: Whoooo is Rachel?

Is it Gwyneth Strong?


Joan Sims?


Tessa Peake Jones?


Slater: My ex-wife.

Denzil: What did the prisoners say?

Slater: The warders were the prisoners. You'd be surprised by what they'll trade for a 1985 copy of Playboy and a snooker ball inside a sock.

Boycie: I heard there are some bandidos in there

Slater: I had no trouble. Rape in prison is widely uncommon and almost mythical.

Denzil grasps a photo

Denzil: Look at this photo. There's Paul Gascoigne; he played liked Bambi.

Trigger: There's that Italian bloke. Good player. What was his name? Who is he?

Trey Parker: Who is that Italian bloke?

Is it Super Mario?



John Singer Sargent?



Sabrina Salerno?



A car beeps

Boycie: That'll be Marloiine, even though I didn't ring 'er to come.

Trigger: I suppose she's done enough of that in the past.

Boycie: HA-AGH-EGH-EGH-AGH-AGH...

Boycie pulls a face

Denzil: I'll have a lift.

Trigger: Me too, Boycie.

Boycie: Yes, Oi'm runnin' a fuckin' mini cab service.

Trigger stares at the football photo

Boycie: Cahmmalong, Triggaw.

Trigger: Was that the name of the Italian bloke?

Denzil: Yes. Vat was him, Trig.

Int. Nag's Head Hire Room

Del, Rodney and Mark burst in to the room

Del: Where's the others?!

Mark: Presumably in the horror section. It's a very good 12-rated film as it goes.

Mephesto: They left with your Uncle after a mysterious man called Roy Slater turned up. I sense he's a very pernicious figure.

Mark (In cod scouse): Very! Albert's got a tickhkin' time bomb on his hands. If we don't reach them suuoon they're gonna have to reduuooeh the A-Z.

Mephesto: Wow, that's quite a predicament. Rodney...

Rodney: Yes, Mephesto?

Mephesto: The whole room is devoid of those whom I took DNA samples from. You ought to regroup here once you've defeated this Slater guy.

Rodney: We will.

Del: Tooooo the Mandela House.

Ext. Estate

Mark: I'll wait in the van. I fear Slater will become furiously defensive if he spots me.

Del: Right you are, poal.

Mark: Stay strong.

Int. Trotters' Flat

Del and Rodney storm in to the living room

Del attempts to wake up Albert who's drunkenly slumped at the dining table

Del (Urgent whisper): Albert! Wake ahp!

Albert (Dreamily): Joowin the waw. Wha'?!

Del: Slater is after those diamonds.

Albert contemplates then smiles and makes his head wobble

Rodney: Naaoh, it's not a joke. That film critic bloke told us.

Albert: Christopher Tookey?

Rodney: No, the other one. Mark Kermode.

Albert: Oo's Mark Kermode?

Trey Parker: Who is Mark Kermode, is it Mark Kermode?

Rodney: That's really starting to piss me off.

Del: Let's get him out before he finds the diamonds and Raquel comes back.

Rodney: Nah, she's having a coffee evening with Cassandra.

Del: Oh yeah. Well 'e mustn't find the diamonds.

Rodney: No.

Del softly shoves a snoozing, setee-sprawled Slater

Del: It's time you were off, Roy me boy. It's 11 o'clock.

Slater: Is that the time?!

Del: Yes. Tell me, Slater, you didn't come 'ere to find out who Rodney's dad is.

Slater: No. I thought I'd find those diamonds. I cant be tried for the same crime twice.

Slater squints at the table

Slater: That's the diamonds next to that pipe.

Del: Naoh, they're Kelloggs Frosties.

Slater: No they're not.

Slater snatches the diamonds

Slater: A couple of boiled eggs will be nice.

Del: Roight! you're aht of this fleht!

Slater: Sweet Football Association Cup, Del!

Del pinches the football photo

Del: No, it ain't there.

Ext. Mandela Estate

Del, Rodney and Albert bundle Slater onto the precinct

Del: You take the diamonds, put 'em in a display case and never combine them, and we'll stay away from cylindrical installations. 'Roy'al Mail.

Rodney: The police don't know about the other missing diamonds.

Slater: Well, those terms seem acceptable. Will you excuse me, I've got a catch to life. Have a nice train, Del Boy.

Del: Oh I will, Slater. I will.

Albert steps forward with gusto

Albert: Hooh-her-uh-hyur!

Albert plods one foot back

Albert: Fawt I'd say sammink.

Slater: Thanks for the drinks. It was nice seeing you all again.

Slater sadly slinks away

Del: YYUUUUUAS! What a team, Rodney. What a teee-eeeam!

Slater rotates to face the Trotters

Slater: Oh, by the way, you'll all under amecht. Mecha-arrest!

Del: Do what, Slater!?

Mark Kermode stumbles out of the van after sensing Slater's rise in confidence

Mark: Oh noooo!

Slater fuses the two diamonds together and makes a startling transformation

Slater: CHIEFA INSPECTAYAMI MECHA-SLATERRRRRRRRRU!



Cornelius: MECHA-SLATERU! MECHAAAA-SLATERU! FUKIMI CUNTARO.

Mark: I'm going after Mecha Slater. Albert, I need you to call Rob Halford on this number.

Del: The singer aht of Judas Priest?! Faberge negligee.

Albert: Leave it ter me, sahn.

Int. Recording Studio

A phone rings

Rob Halford: Hello.

Albert: I'm calling on be'alf of Mark Kamode, sahn. (Away from receiver) Who is 'e?

Rodney: The fucking cheek! Tell 'im, he's.. he's a top film critic with the BBC and plays double bass.

Albert: HEEEE'S... he's a tawp fihym cri'ic wiv the BBC and plays dahble bass... HEH-UEH! That's 'im. 'e want's me to let you knah that he's mech-bound

Rob Halford: Oh dear, so Slater has the diamonds minus the rust. I'll have to put my latest touring date on hold. I'll be there soon. Sit tight.

Ext. Estate

Mark: SLATER!

Slateru: TUBBED 'ER!

Mark morphs marvellously

Mark: PROMETHEUS GOODIYUNE MARKURU KERMODI



Cornelius: MECHA-MARK. MECHA-MAA-AARK. MEMBURO-OF-A-SKIFFLE-BANDIYOTO

Del: Is that really necessary?!

A huge battle ensues between Slater and Mark. Slater punches Mark in his rockabilly comb-back, causing Mark to topple to the ground

Rob Halford zooms in to view on his Harley

Rob: Am I too late?

Del: Wow, Rob Halfords. With a surname like that I can see where you got the bike from.

Rob: Here, take this walkie talkie, you can help me fight him.

Rob transforms into The Painkiller



Cornelius: PAINKILLERU! PAINKILLERU! BRIGHTURA THAN A TAISAN SUNJI!

Slateru screeches at Rob

Several windows shatter on the estate

Painkilleru uses his falsetto in retaliation

Mark wanders across to the Trotters and appears dishevelled

Mark: The weak point is his sloped nose.

Rodney (In WT): Rob, hit his sloped nose. Use Turbo Lover

Suddenly Painkilleru's chest projects a horrid music video

Slater becomes enraged and throws Rob faster than a laser bullet in to Bermondsey.

Mark: Oh no! He's gone!

Albert: Can't you do sammink? Release the prehshagh!

Mark: There is Sidney Potter

Rodney: It's Pwut-tee-ay!

Mark: No-no, I mean my cleaner. He can do that far-fetched mechwarrior shit.

Del: Oh, leave it aht! Call yourself a super'ero. Are you ready Rodney? Albert?

Rodney: I suppose. We ain't gonna do Batman and Robin?!

Del: Naoh, naaaoh. We're gonna do the other thing.

Albert: you know me, sahn. Ar'm sayin' naffin'.

Del, Rodney and Albert clasp a pouch from their belt buckle and raise it at chest height


Del: PINA COLADA!




Rodney: RAINFOREST!




Albert: CONCORDE!






Billy Squier: GO GO, POWER PLONKERS!






The Caprobinzord destroys Slater and the Trotters individually revert to their normal form

Del: That was very 90s, wonnit?

Rodney: Cosmic!

Albert: Yah!

Mark: My work here is done. Thank you, dear Plonkers.

Mark walks away from the estate

Del: Goodbye, Mark Commando. Thanks for your help, son.

Rodney: THE DEER HUNTER IS THE GREATEST FILM EVER!

Del: And now, back to the Nag's Head for the finale.

Int. Nag's Head Hire Room

Most of the characters have gathered in the room

Mephesto: Now that we're all here again, I can finally reveal who the father of Rodney Trotter is. Oh, who read that The Story of Only Fools and Horses? Wasn't that the most funniest thing you've seen? He was right about the mafia-style 'teamsters' before the proper programme was broadca-

Rodney: Look just get on with it, alright!

Mephesto: Very well.

Rodney: Thank you.

Denzil: The suspense is tuuoo much for me.

The Nag's Head gang turn in unison to face Denzil

Denzil: Wellll... for yooz loht.

Mike: I've got to go back to the bar. Tell us now, mate.

Boycie: AND QUICK!

Mephesto: The father or Rodney Trotter is.....

The Nag's Head bunch glance sheepishly at each other

Mephesto: Derek Trotter.

Boycie: Del Boy?!?!

Rodney: No... that can't be.

Trigger: Del's Dave's Dad?!

Del smiles with embarrassment and bobs his head in an attempt to compose himself

Del: 's'true, Rodney... my son.

Boycie: HA-AGH-EGH-AGH-AGH-EGH-AGH-AGH. Sorry.

Denzil: Boht how?

Del: Wooell... I'm a lad. I've put it about more times than Stephen King's publisher. (To Boycie and Denzil) Do you remember the girls around the Shaka Zulu estate?

Boycie: Yeah. That's where I met Mahlayne.

Rodney: Are you sayin' my mum was a monarch?

Del: No, Rodney... just an heir to the Zulu estatedom.

Rodney: No this ain't 'appening to mey.

Del: Rodney! Calm down, you Prittstick.

Rodney: My brother is my dad!?

Del: Rodneeeey! Don't be like thaa-aaat. Nothing's changed... except for the fact I'm your father.

Trigger: Is this place fitted with a father distinguisher?

Rodney: No, Del! I can't get me 'ead around it.

Del: Rodney! Rodney! Ruuuuodneeey

A wavy effect envelops the screen

Int. Rodney's Bedroom

Del: RRRROOdneey. RRRRodney. Rodney, wake ahp, you stickdip!

Rodney: GUAAGH! It was all a dream.

Del: Wha' are you on about, soppy?

Rodney (Relieved): Nothin'. Heh-hah. My nightmare's over.

Del: Yeah, well, get some breakfast dahn yer and help me shift this consignment of explosive cigarettes and papier mache welders masks.

Rodney: Then again, maybe not.

Rodney rises and stretches

Rodney: Del, who is my father?

Del: Frebby the Fuck.

Rodney: Why didn't you hesitate to tell me.

Del: Do you want to find out the identity of your father in an abysmal Xmas special in 2003?

Rodney: Fuck off.

Del: Would you like The Beatles for breakfast?

Del whips out a couple of filled bowls

Rodney: Yes, please. Mhmm. CRUNCH CRUNCH.

Del: The Beatles taste good with pina colada-flavoured ice cream and marmalade skies.

Rodney: Wait?! This doesn't make sense. This doesn't make any sense.

Int. Del & Raquel's bedroom

Raquel is asleep next to Del

Del: WAARGH!

Del picks up a cordless phone and gives Rodney a call

Rodney (On phone): Hello?

Del: Rodders, I just had this horrible dream. I dreamt that you dreamt you wanted to know who your father was, and Slater turned up and found those sparklers in Albert's pipe, and a film critic and a heavy-metal singer turned into these creatures to fight a giant, metallic version of Slater. Then we ate Paul, John, George, and Ringo for breakfast with pina coloda-flavoured ice cream and marmalade skies.

Rodney: Mate, that's a pretty fucked-up dream.

Del: I must be having some emotional problems.

Rodney: Oh, the lads are going down to Sid's cafe, wanna come?

Del: Yeah, sure. I guess I don't wanna sleep anymore. See you la'er.

Picturesque Lake

Ms. Crabtree: I want to thank you for making me feel alive again, Marcus.

Marcus: Ms. Crabtree?

Ms. Crabtree: What is it? What's wrong?

Marcus: You realise I can't stay. None of this is real. It's all been a 32-year-old's gradually developed, stupid fucking slice of procrastination that hardly anyone's going to read.

Ms. Crabtree: Oh I know. I know, Marcus. But let me just pretend as long as I can.

Marcus: Sure... didn't you call me 'Mitch' at one stage?

Sullivan: LEFT HOOOME LOOKIN' FOR SOMETHING NEEEEW. BUT ALL YOU NEED IS RIGHT HERE WAITING FOR YOOOUU. RODNEY, COOME HOOOOME. WE LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. RODNEY, COOOOME HOOOOOME. WE'RE SORRY THINGS WENT THIS FAAAAR. BUSH-BESH-BURSH-BURSH-BESH-BUSH-BURSH-BUSH.

Trey Parker: DA DERP DEE DERP DA TEETLEY DERPEE DERPEE DUMB. RAYTED PEE-GEE THURDTEEN.