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Stupid Question - Stupid Answer (archive thread)

Started by Dr David V, February 02, 2004, 09:35:41 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Dr David V

I just found this on my hard drive. Enjoy the nostalgia.

Quote- Where do babies come from? (Me)
- A baby has the same genatalia as an adult, albiet less formed. If they could come, they'd come from the same nozzle as adults. (Benny Schnitzelchomp)

- Who is the 'Washington Sniper'? (Benny Schnitzelchomp)
- Michael Barrymore, he wants payback for getting chucked off tv just cause he fisted a bloke. (Tickle Those Tastebuds)
- Hmmm an interesting topical question that I would say is far from stupid. Some friends and I were pondering the very same thing over a beer yesterday. We have come to the conclusion that he is a very bitter and twisted ex-navy seal/marine who led team of elite soldiers into the Cambodian jungle and ( un beknown to him ) certain death ensued as some hardcore murdering locals lay in wait. As he fought in vain to save his platoon, he was badly injured and left by the american goverment to die. Now, 10 years later, he has finally made his way home and he exacts his revenge in the nations capital. Methodical and risk taking, the sniper wants Washington to know he has no fear of the law or anything it stands for. Not anymore... Lest we forget the copper in charge...who has yet to figure out that the sniper seems to be homing in on his every word. When he said "well at least he hasnt shot anyone in the head yet", the fact that the next victim was then shot in the head still hasnt hit home. As my mate pointed out, the copper seems more concerned about who will be playing him in the movie, rather than intelligent public broadcoasts...for example "He hasnt shot anyone in the foot yet, has he " Now theres a challenge. So who will be playing him in the movie? Im pretty certain Dennis Hopper will land the role as the Sniper. The black cop...there can be only one...Danny Glover. Oh and the police have released a photo-fit of the white van believed to be used in the shootings. That'll be a picture of a white van then. I wonder if it has any distinguishing features...such as a big moustache or ginger hair? That doesnt really help does it... sorry. Just felt like adding my 10 pence worth. (mistressabbie)
- The truth about all this Swank is that the washington sniper is actually a member of staff from MARVEL comics. HE is setting up a real life scenario of terror which spider-man will deal with in a future issue of his long running comic. This same technique was used this time last year, when MARVEL flew two planes into the twin towers in NEW YORK, providing the web-slinging hero a long running mini-series (work that one out) in which he saves countless helplesses from the rubble. Brilliant in terms of marketing strategies; deeply worrying regarding human greed. Sample pages are available from the MARVEL website. (I love organs I do)

- Why can't all people fly? (Benny Schnitzelchomp)
- Because some people are too fat, like Rik Waller. (Little Girl In Bloom)

- Why does it hurt when I eat glass? (Little Girl In Bloom)
- What you might think is "hurt" is not, its really pleasure. The blood that comes out is good blood which is there to show how cool you are for eating glass. Go on, snack on some glass now and you will love the taste. (Tickle Those Tastebuds)

- Did Michael Jackson really beat up bubbles? (Tickle Those Tastebuds)
- No. This story came from a magazine interview Jackson gave where he was asked why he had a pet monkey and for a joke he replied "So I can kick the fuck out of it." the magazine printed the quote out of context next to a photograph of a bloody lump of monkey meat. (Munday's Chylde)
- Don't you mean "Did Michael Jackson really beat off bubbles??"? (The Late Pantheon Lincoln)

- For apple what reason is the second word in this question there for? (Munday's Chylde)
- Because you are trying to confuse us with your fruit logic. (@ssmaster)

- Why do birds suddenly appear? (@ssmaster)
- It's because i'm near,covered in birdseed, in Trafalgar Square with an old woman singing "feed the birds, tuppence a bag." (Little Girl In Bloom)

- Why the fuck is the show not over til the fat lady sings? (Lady Bean)
- Are you going to argue with her? She's mean with her plates of meat! (Benny Schnitzelchomp)

- Who let the dogs out? (Benny Schnitzelchomp)
- I quote Burns from 'The Simpsons'... 'SMITHERS, RELEASE THE HOUNDS' Twas him... (Lady Bean)

- Why does it always rain on me? (Lady Bean)
- Because you're Fran Healy, and you deserve it. (Benny Schnitzelchomp)
- Because you are a tree in the Amazonian jungle you fool. (Little Girl In Bloom)
- Because you live in a shower or rain forest. (@ssmaster)

- Why are we here, What's life all about, Is god really real? Or is there some doubt? (Benny Schnitzelchomp)
- Because you've been trapped in a shower cubicle since you were nine. (International Scotsman)

- What's the point? (International Scotsman)
- NO ANSWER.

- Where is my mind? (Little Girl In Bloom)
- Your mind is a gas. Not an important gas like oxygen, that's God. You're argon or something. (International Scotsman)
- Fart gas? (Little Girl In Bloom)

- Why were we put on this earth? (@ssmaster)
- Gravity. (airtightcontainerboy)

- Why do we never see white dogshit anymore? (airtightcontainerboy)
- Because I got bored of bleaching it all. (Little Girl In Bloom)

- Who's the daddy? (Benny Schnitzelchomp)
- I'M THE DADDY Ask Rosie, she'll confirm it. (International Scotsman)
- Steve Bing, it was proved with science. (airtightcontainerboy)

- Why don't the chocolate chips in chocolate chips cookies, melt and run out when they bake them? (Pink Fluid)
- The biscuit doesnt melt so it holds in. If you bite carefully around a choc chip you can see where the chocolate has melted and seeped a little. (Benny Schnitzelchomp)
- They aren't chocolate chips they are cheap as chips and David Dickinson puts them in with his antique chip putter-iner. So there bargain hunter. (@ssmaster)
- They do melt, but they're prevented from dripping out by the dough surrounding them. Then they harden again by the time you shovel them into your face. (International Scotsman)
- I think that the chocolate chips in cookies do actually melt - but actually, believe it or not, it's the dough that keeps it in. Here's a diagram because clearly nobody understands: <INSERT stupidquestion-cookiediagram.jpg> (gazzyk1ns)
- To all intents and purposes, the chocolate does melt, but is held in place by the biscuit dough around it. The chocolate doesn't melt as much as ordinary chocolate would however because it has been tempered. Tempering is where chocolate is repeatedly heated and cooled until a crystal-like structure appears within it. This makes the chocolate more stable and gives it a glossy shine and crispy surface so that it cracks when you break it. This stops it melting as much as ordinary chocolate would. (International Scotsman)
- Soooo, the fact that the melted chocolate is relatively viscous stops it permeating into the surrounding matrix of the cooking dough... (Pink Fluid)
- COOKIE MONSTER KNOW. Chocolate in biscuits melts, but cookie dough hold in! Then harden again! COOKIE!!!!!! (The Cookie Monster from The Muppets)
- Clearly magic is involved somewhere. How else do they taste so nice? (hands cold, liver warm)

- Which is the odd one out? (Me)
- That one there. (mistressabbie)
- No, it's this one here. (International Scotsman)

- If a cat always land on its feet, and piece of buttered toast always lands butter-side down, if you tie a piece of toast butter-side up to a cat's back, and pick up the cat and drop it. which way up will the feline/toast ensemble land? (Blue Jam)
- Butter/back side up. (Me)
- This couldn't happen though, as a cat ALWAYS lands on its feet. It's abit like one of those immoveable object/unstoppable force things. Would the cat/toast just hover in mid-air, unable to land? (Blue Jam)
- My toast always lands butter side up. I genuinely can't ever remember it landing butter side down. (International Scotsman)
- OK. Butter side up toast is attatched to cat's back. Cat weighs more than toast and will therefore be below toast. Cats land on feet. Feet down, back up. Back has butter side up toast attatched. If you don't understand, then try it yourself. Make sure you have a camera. (Me)
- This wouldn't happen, as the speed at which a body falls is independent of its weight- all objects have the same terminal velocity when falling through the same medium (air, water, etc) so the cat and toast would fall at the same speed! (Blue Jam)
- True, at terminal velocity both the cat and the toast will fall at the same speed. However, drag and friction will prevent this from happening. The shape of the toast will cause drag, and as it is lighter it will be more easily affected by wind currents and air thermals. The fall of the cat will not suffer to such an extent and so it will hit the ground first. (hands cold, liver warm)
- If the cat is dead it would land toast side down surely? (blue jammer)
- But if the cat is dropped with it's back up, then gravity will pull it downwards, and it will not turn around at all. It makes no difference. (Me)
- If the cat's dropped with its back up why would it try to turn? The only thing to force it to turn is the law of butter. (International Scotsman)
- It doesn't. It hovers in mid-air, and reliable sources (for example, this page at <URL http://www.physics.leeds.ac.uk/pages/PerpetualMotion>Leeds University</URL>) indicate that this can be used as the basis of a perpetual motion machine. (Ambient Sheep)
- If the cat is dead, the toast will dominate the situation and the dead cat will land on its back. A live cat will land on its feet, because the toast thing is dubious and the cat thing isn't. Whether the cat is alive or dead is a matter of quantum mechanics. As a matter of preference, I'd prefer dead, on toast. (Almost Yearly)

- How long will it before Jamie "Tosser" Oliver gets another series? Not on the Beeb, cos he did those supermarkets ads. But one of the commercial or cable channels maybe? (Pink Fluid)
- NO ANSWER.

- Why the fuck did the chicken cross the road? (hands cold, liver warm)
- To get away from the pervert (@ssmaster)
- Because it was there. (Tokyo Sexwhale)

- If Goofy is a dog and Pluto is a dog, why is Goofy treated as an equal by Mickey and Donald, whilst Pluto is treated as a pet?
- They are in fact brothers. Goofy sold Pluto into slavery in exchange for the power of human speech. (And evidently he was robbed too, given the unsatisfactory results.) Why else the hat than to hide the surgical scars? (@ssmaster)

- Why is one nipple more responsive than the other? (Almost Yearly)
- NO ANSWER.

- How come Donald Duck wraps a towel around his midriff when he gets out of the shower or bath, despite the fact that he is quite comfortable walking around with no pants or trousers on the rest of the time? (Tony Peanuts)
- Because he's WET. (International Scotsman)
- But surely water falls off him like water off a duck's back? (Almost Yearly)
- But it's not on his back, is it? It's wrapped around his arse. There's no expression "water off a duck's arse", and that's because all ducks constantly have soaking wet arses. That's why they only live till they're about 12: arserot. Donald has avoided this and is now well over two thousand years old. (International Scotsman)

- What do the French say when they get deja vu? (Partridge's Love Child)
- What do the French say when they get deja vu? (Gash Fandango)
- "Jesus Christ, did you just see that? That garlic clove looks exactly the same as that other one I saw the other day! Hawhehawhehaw!" (Me)
- "I sink I 'ave been 'ere before." (Tokyo Sexwhale)

- Who put the ram in the ramma-lamma ding dong? (Tokyo Sexwhale)
- Noddy Holder. (International Scotsman)

- We hear about somebody being disgruntled. But how come we never hear of somebody being gruntled? (Pink Fluid)
- 'Gruntled' is an old word that means 'grumbling'. I don't know how I know this, but it would seem to imply that a disgruntled person is one who is happy... "dis" here meaning "entirely" rather than "not". PG Wodehouse used "gruntled" for "happy" in some book or other. So clearly he didn't know that it actually meant unhappy. What a big Tory arsehole. (International Scotsman)
- I've never been gruntled, mayed or tressed. People never parage me. I've no lusions, I never become jected, I don't like to be praved, and nothing in this country is funct. (Almost Yearly)

- If man is 5, The devil 6, and GOOODDDDDD 7, what's 8? (And for that matter 1-4) (Benny Schnitzelchomp)
- The answer was in last week's Look Around You. 1 = hello. 2 = how are you. 3 and 4 = something or other... and 8 and 9 were classified. (International Scotsman)

- How come I can tickle myself when I'm in the bath, but when out I cannot? (smoker)
- Ummm coz water conducts tickle-ivity.... (Lady Bean)

- Why does it always feel better when someone else is washing your hair... or for that matter wanking/flicking you off? (Lady Bean)
- Well, I've often heard it said that the mind is the biggest erogenous zone - this is clearly what they meant. It feels better when someone else does it 'cos of genetics. (airtightcontainerboy)

- If dogs had opposable thumbs, could they be trained to use cutlery? (airtightcontainerboy)
- No, they only like chopsticks. (Bill Carr)

- Why can't fruit talk? (Bill Carr)
- They can talk, but they just don't have anything to say. Fruit are very shy and like to keep to themselves. (hands cold, liver warm)
- Because the Poddington Peas stole their vocal chords and went on to make a BBC kid's programme.. the bastards. (Lady Bean)

- Where is the lost city of gold? How much gold is there? (hands cold, liver warm)
- It's on the same junction of the M4 as Southall, and is likewise not mentioned on the signposts. You can only see it on Wednesdays, and then only if you have clean thumbs and it's raining. There is no gold there; the legend actually derives from the many catering packs of Korma sauce lying around in the streets or sheltering in disfunctional dark blue transit vans. (Almost Yearly)

- Why is Bombay Duck, a fish? (Lady Bean)
- It's not a fish, it just likes to think it is. (smoker)
- His codename is Bombay Duck. He is a specialist in marine espionage. (Almost Yearly)

- If you shut down all the applications running, would Connie the AOL girl be naked? (smoker)
- Yes, but she has no vagina or nipples. (Almost Yearly)

- What's in a name? (Mr. Regal Jelly)
- La la-la. (Almost Yearly)

- Whats grey and smells of Curry? (Mr. Regal Jelly)
- Don't know. (Almost Yearly)

- Who wins if a coin lands on its third side, the IN-side? (prolation)
- Who Dares Wins (smoker)
- The Devil Itself.... (Mr. Regal Jelly)

- What colour would oranges be, if they weren't orange? (prolation)
- Kiwi. (smoker)
- They would be like a bubble of air with pips and still be unrhymable. (Mr. Regal Jelly)

- Why can't we just be friends? (prolation)
- Because I have a semi automatic and you're too good a chance to miss. (smoker)
- Because of that clandestine affair with my Grandfather in the 1980's - it was all over the local papers you complete bastard. (Mr. Regal Jelly)

- Why do puns such as gAyOL and shitcoms exist? (Me)
- The fact that people and trees and elephants and cars all have trunks just proves that there are more things than there are words.' And consequently, language is always doubling up: hence puns. See http://english.fsu.edu/jobs/num04/Redfern.htm (International Scotsman)

- Did Noel Edmunds really shoot Clive Anderson? (Me)
- Looks like it. Watch the Moral Decline episode of Brass Eye (International Scotsman)

- What is the second word of this question? (Me)
- What is? (International Scotsman)

- Will the Blackhole be shown this Christmas as an alternative to a Star Wars movie? (splattermac)
- My money is on Battlestar Galactica (@ssmaster)

I have no idea why I did this, but it seems to have proved useful. I might even have that cookie picture somewhere too, if you're lucky.

Vermschneid Mehearties

Holymoley. Websites have been started on less.

Quote- Why is one nipple more responsive than the other? (Almost Yearly)
- NO ANSWER.

That made me grin out loud, and wake up the neighbours dog. Ha.

@ssmaster

QuoteBecause you are trying to confuse us with your fruit logic.

I think this could be my next signature.