Author Topic: 'The Phonys' - TV Awards 2014: Better Late Than Never [NOTE: most likely not]  (Read 195 times)

St_Eddie

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The Phonys -  TV Awards 2014
... in mid-March 2015!

The following is a transcribe of an TV awards ceremony that I hosted a couple of days ago.  It was something of a disaster went really well and the offers for more work are sure to come flooding in...

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[The voice of the announcer comes on over the loud speaker system at the awards venue]

"WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO THE ANNUAL 2015, 2014 TV AWARDS CEREMONY - THE ONLY AWARDS SHOW, BESIDES THE OSCARS OF COURSE, TO HAVE AN ENTIRELY ULTERIOR PURPOSE FOR ITS SHEER EXISTENCE.  THAT'S RIGHT, EVERYBODY... IT'S THE PHONYS!"

[the audience applaud apathetically, due to a sign lighting up in front of the audience that reads 'CUE: APATHETIC APPLAUSE']

[the announcer -which is clearly the host, St_Eddie putting on a pathetically unconvincing voice - continues to blurt out his spiel]

"WE BRIBED HIM WITH A BOTTLE OF GIN; IT'S A HOMELESS MAN, ALL THE WAY FROM DOWN THE STEPS OUTSIDE OF ODDBINS.  FRESH OF THE STREET AND STINKING OF FEET.  PLEASE GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO ST_EDDIE..."

[a few scattered claps of politeness half-hardheartedly come forth from the audience]

*hurriedly walks on stage, sweating profusely, walks towards the podium on centre stage and briefly trips over himself*

[the audience titters slightly]

*spotting the opportunity to get a laugh; immediately performs a pratfall*

[the audience respond with a stoney silence, save for one single sound - a lone tut, immediately followed by a sigh]

*arrives at the podium and coughs in an unconvincing manner*

"So, um... let's talk about the year of TV that was 2014..."

"Now, I'm sure some of you had other things going on in the year 2014; other than watching TV, I mean.  You might well say..."

"Eddie, It's not technically 'the year of TV that was 2014'.  Technically it's actually 'the year of 2014.  The year that partially involved watching a bit of TV, as well as doing various other things.  Some slightly more important than others.'"

"First of all, that wouldn't make for a very snappy introduction; unlike this introduction, which I'm sure you'll agree is incredibly snappy and on point and if anything, borderline poetic. "All in all, this man's introduction is going swimmingly" is what you'd say... and I'm sure you are saying right now.  Hey, folks, it's like I always say; 'Humility' is my middle name!  Ha. Amirite?"

[the sound of a crickets emanates from the audience. There's an outside possibility that it could potentially be coming from somebody's iPhone]

*sweats nervously*

"No, actually my middle name's not 'humility'.  It's 'Huge Penis'..."

[a few members of the audience stare blankly, others shake their heads.  The majority walk out]

"... Um, sorry!  No, uh... Hugh Penis?  No, no... I'll get it... Hugh P Ness?!  Yeah, Hugh P Ness!  My middle name is Hugh P Ness!"

[the audience shuffle their feet impatiently and roll their eyes to the heavens with utter discontentment]

"...Amirite?"

[the sound of crickets emanates from the audience. It is almost certainly coming from the a person's iPhone]

"So anyway, as to why I can't use 'the year of 2014.  The year that partially involved watching a bit of TV, as well as doing various other things.  Some slightly more important than others.' as an introduction, other than it's too unwieldy and padded for an introduction (as I explained above. See above. The previous paragraph.  Even though this is supposedly a live event being done physically, so there would be no 'paragraph')."

"As I was saying, I primarily can't use the phrase 'the year of 2014.  The year that partially involved watching a bit of TV, as well as doing various other things.  Some slightly more important than others.' as an introduction is because, whilst during 2014 we all were possibly doing many different things, other than watching TV (for example, you might have been dating your loved one, or possibly having a baby, maybe you got a new job, or rescued several children and a kitten from a burning orphanage).  Ultimately, whatever you were or weren't doing really doesn't matter at all."

"It doesn't matter because all I was doing was watching TV, in my pants, whilst eating 'Cadbury's Animals Mini Snack Packs'. Okay, that's a lie; I wasn't wearing any pants. The point is that since 2014 literally was "the year of TV" for me and seeming as I'm the one in charge; that's what I'll bloody well phrase the introduction as; 'the year of TV that was 2014'."

"I mean, come on. I don't even own any pants! Let me have something at least, people!  Amirite?"

[the sound of crickets emanates from the audience. It is without a single shadow of a doubt coming from a person's iPhone.  In fact several members of the audience have caught in on the trend now. It's going viral. A chorus of viral crickets if you will, spreading from audience member to audience member, like Jiminy Cricket in desperate need of an STD clinic... Wait, hold on! Am I supposed to be making actual jokes within these asides/descriptions of what's happening in the venue?  Probably not.  No bother, I'll just strike it out.  No-one will ever know.  It's the perfect crime]

*stands at podium, shuffling cards*

"And..."

*just about manages to open the envelope, despite his hands shaking worse than a lady with Parkinson's Disease, getting her jollies off by sitting on top of a machine set to spin dry at her local laundromat; naked, during the coldest winter on record*

"...all of the awards go to... me, for being your favourite host in the whole wide world!  Well, how about that, folks?! Haha. I jest of course."

[a solitary tumbleweed slowly blows past the podium]

*looks at the tumbleweed, seriously thinking that surely somebody would have had to have brought that in especially, just to screw with him. Quickly tries to reassure himself that the venue he's currently stood in is merely hosting a cowboy fetishists convention next door*

[the crowd grow restless. Well... even more restless than they already were, which was pretty darn restless to begin with... watches are being glanced at, at any rate. Also, knives are being sharpened and guns are being loaded. There are also several corpses - people who have died of old age since the show originally started]

"So, yes. Sorry, let's get a move on, shall we?"

"And... The winner is..."

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES...

Continued in Next Post...
« Last Edit: March 17, 2015, 07:04:36 PM by St_Eddie »

St_Eddie

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Continued From Previous Post...

"Welcome back, folks to The Phonys 2015 -  TV Awards 2014   Copyright 2013.  Conceived down the pub last Friday 2012.  Sponsored by my mate's roofing business.  I forget the name of it.  Look him up in the Yellow Pages under Dave... Francisssss?!"

"Anyway..."

"As I was saying before the commercial break.  The winner of this years main award goes to..."

"NBC's Hannibal"

[98% of the audience shrug their shoulders in non-recognition. Two people, who actually bothered to watch the best program of last year, whoop, holler and applaud with gusto]

"Yes, that's right. The winner of the most coveted award in the business; the Phony award, goes to NBC's Hannibal."

*producers hurriedly speak into host's earpiece*

"Uh, I should point out that Phony award is only coveted by the types of people you see on TV's Hoarders and even then, they've been known to blow off a Phoney or two."

[the audience guffaws with the unmistakable air of genuineness]

"That... That wasn't a joke!  I was legally obliged to say that.  Still, it's nice you folks are having a good time."

[The audience immediately stops laughing - in unison and glare at St_Eddie]

"So, yes.  The winner is NBC's sublime Hannibal. The first season showed promise but was frustratingly slow at times. However last year's second season was a knock out. Absolutely captivating, with a plot full of twists and turns that are sure to do the same to your stomach!  Characters you care about and some jaw dropping photography made Hannibal: Season 2 a real jem for those who cottoned on to it's brilliance. The series has a almost Lynchian approach and represents such a wildly different take on Harris' novels, on which it's based, that it comes across as a dark fairy tale, set in a dreamlike world; as opposed to the more straight adaptation of the gritty novels - the famous film series starring Anthony Hopkins."

"Whilst season 2 is a massive improvement on the first season, it's fair to say that the series still has it's share of issues. Namely, like so many others shows of this nature; we have a token love interest for our protagonist (in this case, criminal profiler, Will Graham's girlfriend... um, whatever her name is... I think it's 'Blonde' something... or was it 'Ginger?'  No, it 'boobs', I'm sure... or at least I think), who offers nothing more than to grind proceedings to a halt whenever they show up (last year's not-very-good Batman spin-off Gotham was also guilty of this). Another problem is those aforementioned fairy tale aspects can work to the shows detriment at times; particularly when they push the credibility of events too far into the absurd."

"Yes, a MASSIVE tree sculpture made from dozens of corpses, left in a car park by a serial killer overnight does make for a strikingly beautiful and equally disturbing sight (especially when it's shot so stunningly - and it really is). However, it comes at the cost of having your audience think to themselves um... wait a minute; how did the killer build that immense and intricate structure all by himself, in a short span of time, before daylight breaks? Also, why the Hell didn't any security cameras capture him at any point? This makes no damn sense! Still, it does look amazingly cinematic!"

"However, these flaws all seem rather irrelevant when so much of the series does work. Splendidly so in fact. Mad Mikkelsen is wonderfully unstated and stoic as Dr. Hannibal Lector. He represents the very antithesis of Hopkin's cinematic take on the character (who started out as a chilling monster in The Silence of the Lambs but grew ever more pantomimesque and therefore, a hell of a lot less scary as the cinematic series went on). The scripts are never less than inventive and the show is bold in the choices that it makes. It really doesn't screw around and isn't afraid to kill off a character (though perhaps not quite as much as the HBO juggernaut that is Game of Thrones)."

"Hannibal is something very special indeed; a series that takes itself seriously and trusts its audience to be smart enough to follow its story and become captivated. The next season (the show's third) is set to be the best one yet, now that the gloves are off, so to speak (I'm trying not to get too spoliery here) and I sincerely hope that show runner, Bryan Fuller gets to take the show through to its planned season 7 conclusion. That'll only happen if enough people watch the show though.  I've done my part towards the cause.  I hope some of you will take heed and give it a shot."

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The Phony Award For Best TV Moment of the Year

And... The winner is...

NBC's Hannibal

... again.

Look, I'm gonna make a fan out of at least one of you, okay!  Why else do you think I put on this phony boloney awards ceremony for in the first place?!

The following clip(s) show the grizzly origin of Mason Verger, a character originally portrayed by Gary Oldman in Ridley Scott's film (originating from Thomas Harris' novel).  Micheal Pitt does a wonderful job in the role of Mason.  It's a tremendous shame that he won't be reprising the role for season 3 (Joe Anderson is taking over).

The editing and sound mix in the first clip is sheer brilliance.  It's my single No.1 moment from last year's TV schedule.  A great portrayal of mind altering drugs (in this case PCP)... artistic, creative, exciting and terrifying...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WvGRphqJuI

Still high as a kite, Hannibal encourages Mason to do something that "seemed like a good idea at the time"...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lI0ZoSP6P1o

...and thus 2014's best quotes were born...

"I have a taste and consistency that's similar to that of a chicken gizzard"

"I'm full of myself"
« Last Edit: March 17, 2015, 07:06:02 PM by St_Eddie »