Peter's Mad Thoughts

[bennett]

I keep thinking how easy it would be to push people in front of me on the station platform under a train...

[23 Daves]

I had the mad thought today of belching incredibly loudly and openly in the middle of an important meeting, then declaring with the confidence of Brian Blessed: "It's terrible I know, but I made my own pasta sauce last night and thoroughly overdid it with the onions".

I suppressed the burp in the end.  It was probably for the best. 

[turnstyle]

I was walking down the road earlier, and I heard someone say to their friend 'Great shirt, Paul!'.

Whenever I over hear someones name I'm really tempted to yell it at them in a patronising voice.

Paaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuullllllllllllllll.

[SetToStun]

I had the mad thought today of belching incredibly loudly and openly in the middle of an important meeting, then declaring with the confidence of Brian Blessed: "It's terrible I know, but I made my own pasta sauce last night and thoroughly overdid it with the onions".

I suppressed the burp in the end.  It was probably for the best.

That is absolutely fantastic - you really, really should have just gone for it and finished with the full Blessed laugh, as in the Old Speckled Hen ads (I think it's OSH, you know the ones). I'm going to imagine you doing that so many times now that I'll convince myself you really did and then you can be my new hero.

[dr_christian_troy]

When I was at school, we had to sit cross-legged on the floor and listen to our headmistress tell some Bible story. At one point, she said, 'Jesus, watch out -'
To which I shouted, 'Beadle's About!'

Trouble is, this was before I could limit the thought to just a thought, and in shouting that, the old cunt whacked my hands with a metre stick in her office an hour later.

[biggytitbo]

I'm still feeling the urge to lean over and inappropriately kiss people I shouldn't.

If only we could all be like Brian Blessed the world would be a more liberated place.

[Cerys]

Liberated, yes.  Also scary.

[presta didwicks]

I remember once watching a TV thing about some crazy artist who thought it would be a good idea to bend over and spray arse gravy onto a white wall in the name art.
Fair enough(?), but it`s stuck in my head and when i'm in a meeting at work , and they've got the projector out, well, you now what my Tourette-like compulsion is.

[purlieu]

If only we could all be like Brian Blessed the world would be a more liberated place.

You're only saying that so you get to shack up with Peri.

[biggytitbo]

I'd prefer Sally Sparrow but a completely bald Peri would be a very acceptable second choice.

[rudi]

I'm still feeling the urge to lean over and inappropriately kiss people I shouldn't.

If only we could all be like Brian Blessed the world would be a more liberated place.

If we started acting like Blessed he'd just up the pace and start randomly fucking wild animals and, well, anyone who made eye contact.

[Blue Jam]

This reminds me of shopping earlier today. I was putting my food on the conveyor belt and the arab guy in front of me paying for his shopping made a point of staring at every single item i placed on the belt. Ive really no idea why people do this, there's really nothing atall interesting in my shopping - if anything its just an abridged selection of what youve already seen on the shelves. Still, they do insist on staring don't they. My mad thought was to tell him to fuck off.

I had one of these today, an old man staring at all of my shopping. He was wearing very thick reading glasses and leaning in pretty close. I briefly considered arranging all the items in the shape of the word "cunt" but there wasn't enough room I thought better of it.

[purlieu]

On a worryingly elaborate note, I was just checking some old emails and noticed some requests to send demos to me for potential release on a label I used to run.  I then fantasised about winning the lottery, accepting loads of demos, buying the rights to the music and then never releasing any of it, ever.  I don't know why.

[Wix]

I spent the majority of my time at my previous job in finance having mad thoughts.

In meetings - by the end, every single meeting -  I was on the verge of standing up and flipping the table over, sending laptops crashing around the room and otherwise alarming the participants. I also fantasised about punching the person in front of me in the back of the head whenever there was someone in front of me. Didn't matter if I knew them or not.

I also regularly had conversations with my flatmate who worked in HR as to which vulgar actions would get me fired. "What about doing a shit in the atrium? Right in the middle, would that get me fire? What about walking around naked?" If I hadn't left when I did I'm reasonably sure I'd have done at least the latter, probably factoring in the former while I was at it.

[vrailaine]

I stumbled onto a former bullies facebook page a few days ago and was incredibly tempted to send him a death threat. We resolved our problems and everything ages ago, the only reason I wanted to do it was cos I found it hilarious that he might take it seriously if I phrased it correctly.

[jaydee81]

I also regularly had conversations with my flatmate who worked in HR as to which vulgar actions would get me fired. "What about doing a shit in the atrium? Right in the middle, would that get me fire? What about walking around naked?" If I hadn't left when I did I'm reasonably sure I'd have done at least the latter, probably factoring in the former while I was at it.

We have a game at work based around which order you'd be prepared to do the following three actions, punching someone in the face, getting your cock out (possibly wiggling it about and shouting wooooo) and screaming viciously racist abuse.
The way I see it, a punch would get you fired, racism would stick to you for life (remember jaydee81? what a racist) and getting your cock out would probably get you the rest of the week off with illl health.

[Meesta Bump]

bump

[Still Not George]

You're, like, such a subversive rebel.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I have an urge to scream-sing 'Looks Like We Made It' across the office, probably alarming around 30 people.

[purlieu]

My girlfriend cooked us a really, really nice stir-fry last night.  Just.  I was so close to throwing the frying pan and its contents across the room I had to leave the kitchen.

[23 Daves]

Earlier I had the mad thought of writing to a television production company to suggest that they make a new kind of Soap Opera - one in which characters wouldn't get "written out" in the conventional way, they'd just be suddenly approached by three darkly clothed men who would hold them down and suffocate them with a pillow, mid-sentence if needs be.  The rest of the programme would then carry on as if nothing had happened, with the other characters shrugging the incident off as if it were just something that always went on in their world.

I thought it would be a handy time-saving device for script writers everywhere who were tired of their actors pissing off to Hollywood, or sodding off to join a band or do panto.  I can see that a lot of viewers would be very frustrated by the unresolved plots, mind you (but then again, what's new?)

[Still Not George]

A distant acquaintance of mine (friend would be way too strong, we've barely exchanged 2 words since we ceased house-sharing 10 years ago) just mentioned in a Facebook comment that he has stomach cancer.

My immediate reaction? A strong desire to update my own Facebook status to "I have cancer of the penis. This is not a joke."

I'm a bad man.

[Custard]

My girlfriend cooked us a really, really nice stir-fry last night.  Just.  I was so close to throwing the frying pan and its contents across the room I had to leave the kitchen.

Heheh, I had a (sorta) similar one this weekend.

My 10 year old nephew brought me an easter egg, and asked whether i liked it or not. I did, but i had this massive urge to scream "NO I FUCKING DON'T! I PREFER THE FUCKING FLAKE ONE, AND WHATS THIS SHIT, MARS?! FUCK OFF!" into his face, then throw it to the floor, stamp the outer-box open, before kicking the egg out the window like a rugby ball.

Didn't, though.

[The Boston Crab]

I've got an easter egg sitting on the desk beside me and now I want to call my girlfriend in, pick up the box with my left hand, punch straight through it with my right and obliterate the fragile filling. The only thing stopping me is that I can't think of a showstopping closer to this chaotic crescendo of crushed confectionery.

[Erasmus Cunk]

At school I used to fantasise about having a magic gun which had a button on it that could rewind time. I could brutally murder the people who deserved it (e.g. teachers who gave me a bollocking for not doing my homework, or girls who didn't want to go out with me) and then rewind time to before it happened.

It would be brilliant; all of the satisfaction, none of the consequences.

But then, of course, the self-hating part of my subconsious would kick in, and I'd start thinking about going on a killing spree, only for the magic button not to work, meaning I would first be overcome by guilt and remorse for what I'd done, then I'd be sent to a young offenders' institute, where Ray Winstone would repeatedly ask me who the daddy is.

I'm more normal and well-adjusted than this post may suggest...

[neveragain]

While visiting someone's shared uni accommodation and pottering about with them in their bedroom, I went to grab something from the kitchen downstairs only to find a large old-fashioned stereo blocking the top of the staircase. 'Mind that, I'm just moving things about!' came a weary female voice from an unspecified room. Needless to say, for reasons of elf and etc alone, I really wanted to give the bulky thing a great firm bloody kick forwards.

[neveragain]

Here's one I acted on, which didn't make me feel any better - lying on the settee through three hours of BBC3's 'Greatest Movie Mistakes' presented by Robert Webb. Three frigging hours of 'Look at Daniel Craig's scarf, red eh? Now it's purple, gah, I hope he's got a licence to kill the production designer!' ...It didn't improve, and Webb didn't even say goodbye at the end.

Actually one moment that was quite amusing. At the end of Bruce Almighty as the 'hobo' morphs into Morgan Freeman, there's a cafe behind him named Frankies' Diner which - after the morph - ends up reading Nkinkies' Diner... oh, and in North By Northwest, a little boy in the background of one scene puts his fingers into his ears a good minute before anyone even pulls out the gun which later goes off. There. Was that worth three hours which could have been spent sleeping?

[An tSaoi]

They made a few slip ups themselves; they showed a clip from Terminator 3, but said it was from The Terminator. I thought Webb was funny though, in an endearingly crap sort of way.

[Green and Peasant Land]

Punch a baby in the face. It's strapped down in a pushchair. Make sure the brakes are on, mind. Don't want a mad thought to be, yer know, quite THAT mad, with a punched face baby in pushchair hurtling backwards through a provincial High Street...

[TIAL]

I work in an open-plan office. In another corner of the office a group of ladies were getting ready to go on a work night out. They don't know me (I've been here a week). I had the sudden urge to just go over there and force my way in to their night out, making them say I can come out of sheer politeness.
I'd have had a rubbish night out with some people I don't know or (from what I know) like, and I'm sure they feel the same to me, but for some reason I had to suppress the urge to ruin the evening for them and me.