Peter's Mad Thoughts

[Steve Lampkins]

I wonder if Mark Watson was genuinely struggling not to shout 'cunt' at the Comedy Gala at the O2.

[turnstyle]

I wonder if Mark Watson was genuinely struggling not to shout 'cunt' at the Comedy Gala at the O2.

Sadly, I wasn't quite as restrained during his performance.

[SJJames]

I just had a meeting with one of the most senior people in a large pharmceutical company. I spent a significant amount of time wondering what his reaction would be if I was sick on him, curled up in a corner and went to sleep or pulled a gun and placed it in front of me.

I didn't reach a conclusion.

Hello, by the way.

SJJ

[Cerys]

Welcome aboard.  You could probably have managed all three.  Produce the gun first.  Then when you're sick on him he won't dare to complain.  Curl up and sleep last, safe in the knowledge that the vom-drenched bigwig will be reluctant to wake you up.  Everybody wins.

[SJJames]

The people I sit next to are talking excitedly about the validity of the winner of MasterChef. It makes me want to take of my trousers and underwear, leaving my shoes and shirt on, and run across and goose-step up and down their desk shouting, "Schnell, schnell, work harder Tommies or I will set the sexy dwarves on you."

SJJ

[The Boston Crab]

Extremely tempted at this moment, pre-summative review to torch all of my PGCE files and folders and kick the shit out of my computer and then take a shit, chill it in the fridge, slice it up and send a sliver to everyone who's asked me to tick a box.

[amnesiac]

Peter's Mad Thoughts 2015 bitches!!!!

I don't recognise anyone in here apart from Cerys.

Since this thread was pre-internet, I'll add "the nagging urge to txt a pic of your penis to a family member" and before you say it I thought of this BEFORE Louis CK.

[AzureSky]

Richard Herring does a brilliant section on the mad thoughts that he has with his new born daughter in his latest show, Happy Now?

Keep the thread alive.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Richard Herring does a brilliant section on the mad thoughts that he has with his new born daughter in his latest show, Happy Now?

Keep the thread alive.

And the other four or five threads too.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A partner of a Facebook friend's post on a dog behaviour advice group popped up. She was asking for help to stop one dog attacking their other dog.

The only natural thing I was screaming to post was

BIN THE CUNT

FUCK IT - GONE

Kane if you're reading- bin the cunt - fuck it - gone

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Saw a squirrel video on YouTube involving it being petted and stroked, dressed up, even kissed.

Only one thing to respond with:

Gas the cunt

Edit, oh nice, consistent!

Gas animals

[non capisco]

I keep having this thing where I want to book a room for the night in the Travelodge on Croydon Road, less than a five minute walk from where my flat is. Just imagining lying on the bed in the room looking out of the window and being able to see the building where I pay monthly rent to dwell within, absolutely laughing my arse off and screaming "Why have I done this?!!!"

[buttgammon]

I keep having this thing where I want to book a room for the night in the Travelodge on Croydon Road, less than a five minute walk from where my flat is. Just imagining lying on the bed in the room looking out of the window and being able to see the building where I pay monthly rent to dwell within, absolutely laughing my arse off and screaming "Why have I done this?!!!"

There's a hotel in my block that is literally about 30 seconds walk from my building, and I've considered doing this there. Apparently, the previous occupant spent the night there once because she locked herself out and didn't want to disturb her flatmate.

[Drop Dead Fred]

When I was at school, our biology teacher was giving a series of lessons on first aid. He was demonstrating CPR and such on the lifelike Resuci Annie dummy while the class gathered around and took notes. That was when the little demon and the little angel that were sitting on my shoulders, gave my Mad Thought department the nod and WHAM! I gave the Resusci Annie a bloody hard kick just as the teacher was halfway through a mouth-to-mouth excersise. I've never seen a teacher move so fast. I got a rather stern telling off. He was a good teacher. One of a few that I actually liked and I felt somewhat upset as a result.

My whole journal is a study in the Mad Thoughts that pop into my mind on a daily basis. The most common one of late is to get the urge to puke up all over the floor-to-ceiling windows of the very smug looking 24 hour gym I pass every morning on my way to work. 

[Sebastian Cobb]

Often, when I'm sitting in the passenger seat of a car, I get an urge to punch the driver square in the face to see what'd happen. Of course, I never do, but I've been thinking nasty thoughts like these since I was a nipper & getting lifts home from my mate's dad, who was a bit of a tosser, but didn't quite deserve to die in a flaming wreck.

I also sometimes can be sitting with somebody in a bar or elsewhere & I'll briefly feel the need to insult or injure this person, even if I have no reason whatsoever to do such a thing.

I can't explain it, but I reckon there's a little element of our brain that always encourages you to do foolish or nasty things. You're not meant to listen to him, and most of us don't, but I think this may explain why serial killers and the like claim to be following the orders of some voice or other in their head. I call 'em splinters, some call 'em demons, and they are out to fuck us.

I once did a guff so pungent it caused the driver to swerve when they caught a wiff of it.

[BlodwynPig]

I keep having this thing where I want to book a room for the night in the Travelodge on Croydon Road, less than a five minute walk from where my flat is. Just imagining lying on the bed in the room looking out of the window and being able to see the building where I pay monthly rent to dwell within, absolutely laughing my arse off and screaming "Why have I done this?!!!"

*shudder*

[Twit 2]

I keep having this thing where I want to book a room for the night in the Travelodge on Croydon Road, less than a five minute walk from where my flat is. Just imagining lying on the bed in the room looking out of the window and being able to see the building where I pay monthly rent to dwell within, absolutely laughing my arse off and screaming "Why have I done this?!!!"

I did this for sex reasons in my youth. Ended up in a pickle with the receptionist. Full story available on request.

[RedRevolver]

Doing a wheelchair race with only able-bodied competitors, but only with wheelchairs "confiscated" from users who look like, on balance, their arms are strong enough to propel them for the remainder of the day/whenever I can be bothered to return them.

I don't know if that's just a cunty thought, but w/e.

[madhair60]

I did this for sex reasons in my youth. Ended up in a pickle with the receptionist. Full story available on request.

Please!

[Cuellar]

I want to stand right up close to the door on an occupied toilet cubicle and make a series of mad faces at it. Imagine: you'd be so close to someone and they'd have no idea. No idea at all.

[Twit 2]

Please!

Met up for a threesome in a Permier Inn, stayed the night on my own when they'd gone, when I booked it I put my local address in so when I checked out the receptionist asked awkward questions about why I was booking into a hotel in the place I live.

[Thomas]

I want to stand right up close to the door on an occupied toilet cubicle and make a series of mad faces at it. Imagine: you'd be so close to someone and they'd have no idea. No idea at all.

I'm always tempted to say something loud and silly when I see that a cubicle is occupied. 'Is somebody doing a poo-poo?' and then running away, something like that. Or just a screech.

Once a man followed me out of the toilets in a library and confronted me, accusing me of having thrown a paper ball over the cubicle door while he was in there, but it wasn't me.

[Alberon]

I did this for sex reasons in my youth. Ended up with my pickle in the receptionist. Full story available on request.

[Dr Syntax Head]

I get a major urge to post the most hardcore pornography I can find and post it on all of my Facebook friend's pages, family included. I'd write 'You are going to LOVE this LOL!

[Twed]

Met up for a threesome in a Permier Inn, stayed the night on my own when they'd gone, when I booked it I put my local address in so when I checked out the receptionist asked awkward questions about why I was booking into a hotel in the place I live.

Gas leak

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I get a major urge to post the most hardcore pornography I can find and post it on all of my Facebook friend's pages, family included. I'd write 'You are going to LOVE this LOL!

Going to do this now cheers
Hope everybody likes anal

[itsfredtitmus]

I get a major urge to post the most hardcore pornography I can find and post it on all of my Facebook friend's pages, family included. I'd write 'You are going to LOVE this LOL!

that way you could easily say someone got into your account

[imitationleather]

Met up for a threesome in a Permier Inn, stayed the night on my own when they'd gone, when I booked it I put my local address in so when I checked out the receptionist asked awkward questions about why I was booking into a hotel in the place I live.

Really? Surely so, so many people use hotels for affairs, shooting pornography and general sex stuff. The staff know the score.

[itsfredtitmus]

Squeeze cat to death
It's so soft why not

[Dr Syntax Head]

that way you could easily say someone got into your account

Yeah that old excuse.

Wife "I found those flirty messages to that woman on Facebook, I'm gonna cut your cock off with a rusty hacksaw"
Husband "Someone hacked my Facebook love, honest"