Peter's Mad Thoughts

[InfiniteFury]

I have the teeth-cracking one mentioned on page 1 which, although I'm relieved to hear I'm not alone, bothers me slightly because it means someone out there has probably done it, thus making the possibility I could do it more likely.
Best not to think about that too much probably

Similar to Jemble, I get the urge to buy something I don't need just to upset myself at having no money. I also have an almost irresistible urge to break things I really care about (like music equipment) just to pour misery on myself. I have a similar feeling about instigating a break-up with my girlfriend of 7 years who I love dearly. Probably because I feel in some way I don't deserve it but I suspect there's an aspect of wanting to inflict pain on someone. Terrible aspect of human personaility this thing isn't it?

This whole thread has been a most therapeutic read actually - nice to know that if I'm falling apart, I'm in good company :-)

[butnut]

You raise an interesting point there. I wonder how much of this has to do with power? You have the power to suddenly break up with your girlfriend, you have the possibilty of really upsetting her. Maybe that's what all these thoughts are about. Sudden fantasies of the power that we all have, but social conventions mean that we will never (unless in exceptional circumstances) make us act them out.

[InfiniteFury]

Possibly an instinctive thing. Although we're a social animal at the end of the day a part of us has to be capable of self-survival if circumstances require.

Most of the time, our solo instincts are subjugated by social requirements - perhaps this is a way (in it's everyday way, not OCD where it's taken to an extreme) of mentally vocalising our suppressed requirements to be in ultimate control. Flexing the muscles as it were.

Bollocks? Probably, I failed me A Levels.

[burpmitosis]

I think you may have hit some form of nail on it's head region there, with the social requirements thing.  Peter's Thoughts were probably a sly satire on someone who is basically an outcast reacting to the society that has helped make him such a fuckup by imagining all these things he could do that are complete taboos.
It's actually quite beautiful. I think I may cry.

[Purple Tentacle]

Oh, and having read about it in Viz, I keep on thinking about how much it would hurt if I deliberately gave myself a paper cut on my bell-end.

Good night.

[slim]

I think someone already did one on mine... There's certainly something that looks like a cut anyway.

[Beagle 2]

Oh, and having read about it in Viz, I keep on thinking about how much it would hurt if I deliberately gave myself a paper cut on my bell-end.

Good night.

Oh bloody hell, I never saw that but my mate always goes on about it, the massive wanker. Wasn't it the thing identified by scientists as "the worst thing in the world" or something? Well if it wasn't it should have been.

[burpmitosis]

Slim,  get a needle and thread and sew it up. Quick.

[Rumpelwilskin]

*irresistible fisting of topic*

Peter's [Baynham's] Mad Thoughts...

I always wondered whose idea it was to give Alan Partridge fantasies as a stripper and all those bizarre encounters with Tony Hayers like when he's talking to his coffin. It's also evident in lots of Morris's work, a scene that comes to mind is one in Jam where the two guys make out at the bar after their wives leave.

These thoughts, wonder if they're a Western phenomenon. It's like we're experiencing evolution through our thoughts (well some of us are), eventually we'll be walking in rotational cycles. As someone mentioned, we're in an age where we're constantly "multitasking." Complicated minds, complex thoughts...

Could the fact that I've read every one of the messages on this thread be me carrying out compulsions - or is it just the fact that this topic is one I have some experience in and close to my heart. Tricky.

I'm off to wash my hands from typing this load of bollocks...

PS Did any of you lot find that link to Peter's Mad Thoughts? I'd be most interested in reading it...

[Baxter]

Peter's Baynham's daddy arse fingering article is at  http://www.guardian.co.uk/arts/features/story/0,11710,1186728,00.html by the way.

[burpmitosis]

The snogging blokes snogged before their wives arrived I think.  That's why it was so heartbreaking.  Or I thought so anyway. Ehem.

[Baxter]

if it is avaliable what would be your best guess at a google-unque quote from the page?

[gazzyk1ns]

People talking about the "power" aspect of all this is interesting, I think I disagree... it sounds right until you think that the important thing in all of these is solely the repercussions for you. I think I might have said it way back when the thread was initially started but although I do get the "Buy a CD I already own and wallow in the waste" ones, the definitive example of this for me is the one where you're experiencing feelings as close to perfect happiness as you're ever going to get, but instead of simply enjoying the satisfaction, you start to think just how badly you could ruin it right there and then. I remember laying in bed with my then girlfriend, who I was really in love with, watching the first series of Popstars. She was asleep and resting her head against mine and I was completely content watching the telly and thinking how happy I was to be with her, knowing also that she was really happy to be with me. But then it happened. The thought popped up, and for a while I could do nothing apart from contemplate the exact consequences of me waking her up with a sharp dig in the ribs, and then loudly hissing "I've always hated you, you ugly, NASTY BITCH!" at her with utter vitiol.

The most important part of the last sentence was:

contemplate the exact consequences of me...

I just couldn't get the thought out of my head, it was like me and that part of my imagination were separated - I kept thinking "No, don't ignore the thought, what would ACTUALLY happen?" and the only way I could stop thinking about it was to stage a detailed enactment in my head of what would actually happen. It's exactly the same thing at PT's thread-starting post, where he contemplates throwing the soup his girlfriend has kindly bought and prepared for him all over her:

If I had done that, there would have been a few seconds of shocked silence, then she would have started screaming, and afterwards there would have been crying, and she may well have left me, and I would have had to have cleaned all the kind, wasted soup up. It would have been horrible.

...and so that's why I don't really think it's about your power, at least not your power over anyone else.

[Purple Tentacle]

Peter's Mad Thoughts and the Fist of Fun book is available from www.fistoffun.net , along with pretty much every audio thing L&H have ever done.

[butnut]

That's a good point, gazzy. But I think these feelings remind you of the possible power you do have. You could do those things - your brain reminds you there's nothing to stop you doing these things. But as you say, when you stop and think about the consequences, and your sensible part of your brain kicks in, you don't act out the 'mad thoughts'. I suppose this part of your brain is reminding you of the (emotional) power they have over you.

[gazzyk1ns]

Yeah, I think you're right about that. When I get the "Buying a CD I already own" type-ones a large aspect of the mysery is, again, the personal nature of it - Nobody around me knows I already own it, the person at the till will be pleased to serve me bacause they think I'm buying something that'll make me happy and so do any onlookers. I think a lot of it is about how our happiness is on such a tightrope, we could be very miserable very easily.

[Ambient Sheep]

BUMP - found this while looking for something else, and I have to add one I had a couple of months back.

Torty and I had just come out of the supermarket.  We'd opened the car boot (an old-fashioned one, not a tailgate) and put our shopping in it.  Just then she recognised some old friends of hers getting out of the next car.  She said hello, and the friends came over for a chat.

Throughout the whole conversation, the male half of the couple just stood by our car, leaning on the back of it with his hand, with his fingers curled round the door-jamb of the boot - i.e. with his palm on the horizontal rear surface of the car, just above the right-hand tail lights, and his fingertips just inside the boot.

Well obviously you can guess.  My brain just would NOT stop going "What would happen if I slammed the boot down now, really really hard?  Would he just scream, or would he lose his fingers too, and would blood come spurting out Monty Python style? etc. etc."

First really strong Peter's Mad Thought I'd had in a long time, and I had real trouble with it.


While I'm here, I think butnut's power theory is spot on.  Also whoever said about "buying something twice to make yourself miserable".  I've done that myself.

[slim]

Oooh, I had one of these today. There's what looks suspiciously like a river in my town. Most of it has a bariier to stop you falling in, but today, taking a detour from my usual route home to take in some scenery, I found a large section with no protection at all.

It took a strong will to stop me following through the thought, 'What if I were to just turn right and keep walking?'

[Little Tommy Titter]

Er, sometime last year, I stood up in the middle of my office and shouted "I love cock!" at the top of my voice.
Then giggled and cringed for the rest of the afternoon.
My defence mechanism must've had a day off.....

[hands cold, liver warm]

I had this thought about how I could aleviate my boredom by recording the time of each pee I have for about a month, also noting the time of day every pee occurs at, then analysing the data to bring further insight into my urinationary habits. Then I thought that I should post the results in detail on cookdandbombd using figures and graphs to elucidate my findings, Then I thought that thread should be called "urination: a temporal analysis"................

[lankinpark]

I'm often struck by these urges to contrive soap opera-style storylines to make my life more interesting. Leave me alone in a room with someone's girlfriend and I'll usually wonder what would happen if I tried to seduce her. Especially my brother's girlfriend. What would happen? Well, I'd cause a huge rift in my family which might never heal. That'd stop me getting axed.

That's not something I can really pull off in the minute when my brother's gone to the loo though, so I guess it's not really a proper mad thought.

The problem with me is that I don't have a realistic view of what would happen, just a view of what would happen if I was a Neighbours character. So when a bus goes past, and I'm tempted to step in front of it, I genuinely believe that I'd end up in a wheelchair for a few months, then miraculously recover.

[butnut]

Wow. Just had a verbwhore induced one:

Still seems barbaric to starve her to death though, hope they give her some morphine or something to remove any cravings or pain that she may still residually feel

And I had to stop myself just replying something like:

She deserves it the stupid bitch, make her suffer as she dies. I hope it's a slow painful death ha ha ha

I don't know where that came from. I certainly don't think anyone should have a painful death, let alone someone in those circumstances. I think that thread was getting too serious for me or something!

[Suttonpubcrawl]

And I had to stop myself just replying something like:

She deserves it the stupid bitch, make her suffer as she dies. I hope it's a slow painful death ha ha ha

I had something very similar while replying to someone on a newsgroup on the subject of Terri Schiavo. This woman had asked me how I'd feel about someone making the decision to remove my feeding tube and in the middle of a serious reply I had to fight the urge to say "If I were brain dead and quadraspazzed on a life glug, I'd want it turned off."

[Banana Woofwoof]

That's shocked me from you, butnut!  You're such a sweetie!

[Suttonpubcrawl]

That's shocked me from you, Suttonpubcrawl!  You're such a sweetie!

That's very kind of you!

edit: To explain, that post popped up in the second or two between me making my post and then going back to this page, and if BWW hadn't put his name in it then it would have looked like she was talking about me. A bit obscure, eh? I probably shouldn't have bothered, let's start a thread: jokes you thought better of but by that time it was too late.

[gazzyk1ns]

I've had to refrain from quickly clicking into the "General Election" thread simply to shout "General ERECTION more like!" for a couple of days now.

[Huzzie]

Why the fuck have I not read this thread before?

It is the funniest thread I have ever seen on the internet. Right from Poips soup problems through "Shove your fucking fingers up my arse!" to, well, whatever is still yet to come.


Maybe I will add my own mad thoughts later on, the only problem is my mad thought's are normally realised shortly after being processed.

[Goldentony]

i had one yesterday, my mum handed me this foot spa thing full of water, she knelt down, turned away from me to fix some manner of newspapers and i had a strange urge to just tip the contents of it onto her, couldnt help mesen from laughing over and over again for the next few minutes at the thought of her going 'waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh' because of it.

[Robot Devil]

You should have done that!

[Huzzie]

There are a few things football genius and wife beater, Paul Gascoigne have done that seem to be very similar to these stories, the only differance being Gazza acted on his mad thoughts. Actually, if I remember correctly, didn't Gazza admit to suffering from a form of Tourettes recently?

Anyway, a few of Gazza's mad thoughts put into action.

Took a documentary team to a beautiful Scottish cottage which he informed them was his new place, Pretended he'd forgotten his key and knocked instead. When the door opened, told the befuddled housewife that he was doing a telly advert and wanted to know if she preferred Daz or Omo.


Walked into the Middlesbrough canteen and ordered lunch wearing nothing but his training socks.


On a trip to London, jumped out of his car to demand "a go" on a workman's pneumatic drill. After getting the go-ahead, happily pounded the pavement to the amusement of shoppers.


Booked a series of sun-bed sessions for then-Newcastle team-mate Tony Cunningham, Who of course, is black!!


When asked for a footballing comment while at Lazio, he belched into a TV microphone - he was fined £9000.


Has taken the mickey out of refs constantly during his career. On one occasion he sniffed a hapless ref's armpit while he was holding his hand high to signal a free kick.


Undeterred by their frosty reactions, Gazza again tried to prove that refs have a sense of humour by yellow-carding the referee after the official had dropped his card during a Rangers v Hibs game. He was booked for his troubles.



Ever the practical joker, Gazza once replaced best pal Jimmy 'five bellies' Gardiner's hair gel with hair removing cream.


Pulled England teammate Paul Ince's shorts down during an open training session. Ince's backside ended up all over the papers!




Actually that site doesn't have the examples I wanted, such as when playing in Italy he was subbed and responded by going round all 11 opposing players and shaking their hands.

Another one was when he was interviewed on TV by a Danish reporter for Danish news. England were planned to play Denmark shortly after. The reporterasks Gazza "Do you have anything you would like to say to the Daniosh nation?"
Gazza's reply, "yeah, fuck off Denmark!".


Maybe he is just a mad Geordie who likes to make people laugh and pull tricks, maybe it runs a little deeper than that.


Something else I have just remembered, although not entirely the same as you have been talking about, was when Cantona was in a meeting with the managers and chairmen etc of the club. Something had angered Eric and he responded by going round the table, person to person, offering them  his thought of "Idiot...idiot...idiot...idiot...idiot...idiot...idiot" and then walking out of ther room. Great man!