Poll

You walk up to the, uh, young woman of colour. She is enjoying the music of E-40 and other various chart rappers on an mp3 player. Upon seeing you she's all like: "Whatchu whant?" in charming broken English common to this part of town. You Reply

"Give me my mp3 player back"
4 (10%)
"let's go on a date, we can get fizzy drinks after"
7 (17.5%)
"let me tap dat my fine queen of sheeba ass pinzses"
6 (15%)
"i would like to purchase barbiturates to use on a hot white bitch later this week"
5 (12.5%)
Compliment her on how much cotton KEEP READING percentage makes up her hoodie, as it clearly indicates that she is environmentally aware enough to chose clothing that can be washed at 30C.
3 (7.5%)
what are options for level 7 confidence? can we do whatever we want?
0 (0%)
"What's your favourite easy stereotype?"
2 (5%)
"I want unlimited boys to rape"
3 (7.5%)
"F.W. de Klerk, MC Hammer, J.R. Hartley and other classic verbwhores poll memes."
6 (15%)
"HAHA RAPE"
4 (10%)

Total Members Voted: 40

Author Topic: Peter's Mad Thoughts  (Read 86043 times)

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #30 on: September 27, 2004, 04:44:35 PM »
Of course he is.


I certainly relate to butnut's neck kissing one. Years ago I was in a queue in 7-11 behind the tenderest, slenderest ladyneck ever. How I didn't sink my teeth in I'll never know. Presumably that's the corner of the psyche where all the bitey mythical beasts live.

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #31 on: September 27, 2004, 04:47:26 PM »
Quote from: "Partridge's Love Child"
I imagine its all to do with sex anyway, even though I'm a Freud-naysayer, but surely the sexual imagery should be disguised in some way, with some subtle 3-2-1 type clue.


I wanted to throw soup, the SOUP Dragon was in the Clangers, taking crack is known as "chasing the dragon", Robbie Coltrane was in CRACKer where he starred as Fitz, if the glove FITZ you must AQUITZ, AQUITZ rhymes with TITS, I wanted to spunk on her tits.

Now over to Roy Hudd dressed as Robin Hood......

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #32 on: September 27, 2004, 04:48:57 PM »
Don't forget the Brian Rogers Connection.

terminallyrelaxed

  • да младенца!
Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #33 on: September 27, 2004, 04:49:37 PM »
Yeah bollocks to Freud, don't believe a word of it myself either....

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #34 on: September 27, 2004, 04:50:08 PM »
The "real" name for Peter's Mad Thoughts is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I know because I've suffered from it already. The thoughts are the "obsessive bit", what one does to avoid the thoughts is the "compulsive" bit. If you start washing your hands because it keeps you occupied enough to divert your thoughts away from doing something absurd or dangerous, you're on a slippery slope. I remember as a child I was told the following piece of cod-psychology/fib by someone....

"Did you know that even if you really wanted to throw yourself in that lake, something in your brain would kick in and prevent you from doing it? Oh yes, it's a proven fact..."

I think deep down I began from that moment to put this theory to the test. I ended up thinking something really really awful and then wondering if I was actually capable of doing it. Some of the thoughts were funny, like shouting out something silly during a quiet bit at mass. But eventually they became unbearable. I was walking with my 4 year old nephew by the harbour and had to take him home because I felt this compulsion to drown him, just to imagine what the consequences for my life would be. I was tempted to push people in front of traffic for the same reasons. Things like that, very scary. In the end the fears built up to such a degree that I couldn't bear to leave the house and spent most of my time imagining my own suicide. I was eventually diagnosed with Depression/OCD and Agoraphobia - it was the most horrible time of my life.

I'm (mostly) better now. To overcome it I had to go through a year of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and lots of medication including Prozac, Valium and several other anti-depressants. The result of these thoughts is that I am now officially considered "disabled" by the State and am entitled to social welfare, but effectively not allowed to work .  

That's a bit of a downer of a post, but there it is - the flipside, I suppose. Peter Baynham's mad thoughts and most of yours have been funny. But having thoughts like those can become something very debilitating.

Overly personal post over with, carry on... ;-)

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #35 on: September 27, 2004, 04:53:43 PM »
Lordy.  So are all my sexual ones an obsessive compulsion?  Or have I just got the horn?

That looks flippant, but I pose the question genuinely, if with a smile in my fingers.

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #36 on: September 27, 2004, 04:55:07 PM »
Quote from: "Almost Yearly"
Of course he is.


I certainly relate to butnut's neck kissing one. Years ago I was in a queue in 7-11 behind the tenderest, slenderest ladyneck ever. How I didn't sink my teeth in I'll never know. Presumably that's the corner of the psyche where all the bitey mythical beasts live.


I have this urge , but more with haveing to stop my hands wandering with shapely legs...

I did watch that ITV tourettes/OC thing last night, mainly as i have a few slight OC habits myself. It was alright, something wans't quite right about it... First i thought they'd messed up, as the main character clearly looked as if he had tourettes, and i didn't know the two were associated. Whether it was the token OC characteristics for hilarious results, or the fact that nobody else in the program seemed to notice that he was OC, or what it was i don't know.


 I think these 'crazy ideas' take place when you have the sudden realisation at the power you possess. Like when your in a car, you usually take it for granted. If you were suddently to go off the rails, you could 'play god'. Maybe like the non OC person dismissing random paranoia as white noise, this is what prevents us into becoming serial killers. I mean how many of you have 'lost it' on hearing bad news and smashed something up?

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #37 on: September 27, 2004, 04:58:44 PM »
I remember a Baynham article (doubtless kicking around on the site somewhere) where he wrote, defending Nighty-Shite, about his dad's debilitating illness that eventually killed him.

His dad was apparently softly spoken and very gentle, but as his mind eroded with the illness he would shout out obscenities and generally act erratically and very upsettingly.

Baynham described how one could still find the blackest of black humour in terrible situations, as in when his family were around his deathbed, Baynham's dad shouted "Shove your fucking fingers up my arse!"..... a terrible, debilitating illness that still throws in perverse humour...

Damn, I wish I had that article to hand as I'm sure I'm paraphrasing badly, but it was rather moving (despite the fact that he was using it to defend the rubbish Nighty-Night) and surprisingly honest.... I'm finding myself still grinning at that despite my efforts to suppress it.

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #38 on: September 27, 2004, 05:02:47 PM »
Quote from: "Partridge's Love Child"
Lordy.  So are all my sexual ones an obsessive compulsion?  Or have I just got the horn?

That looks flippant, but I pose the question genuinely, if with a smile in my fingers.


In a sense, yes. Not that they're necessarily anything to worry about, of course. Actually it's hard to get data on the occurrence of OCD. Studies in America put the instances of OCD cases at between 2% and 50% of the population. The 2% figure refers to people who, like myself, need medication for the disorder and whose lives are badly disrupted by it. The 50% figure refers to the amount of people who were able to say that at some silly ideas popped into their heads occasionally, but who were not bothered or troubled by the thoughts at all.

You could just as easily flip it over and think about the "Compulsive" aspect of OCD. I mean how many people are superstitious in some way? How many times have you thought "if I throw this piece of paper into the bin from here at the first attempt, things will work out with my girlfriend". It's all silly and irrational but surprisingly common. I used to have to get to the bottom of the stairs before the toilet stopped flushing or else something terrible would happen.

Jemble Fred

  • ... And I ain't ashamed.
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Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #39 on: September 27, 2004, 05:03:44 PM »
Funnily enough, there was a very good drama all about this on ITV last...

Sorry, I'll shut up now. I didn't write it or anything.

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #40 on: September 27, 2004, 05:06:41 PM »
Mmmmm, it's amazing what your mouth throws out when your defences are down.  I apparently used to say some awful things to people when absolutley paggered.  Before my missus was my missus, I once gave her a fearsome drunken rant which was apparently very hurtful.  All these years on she's still not revealed what I said, and I think I'd rather not know.  They say you speak the truth when you're pissed, but I know from past experience that that isn't true.  However, there must've been something small that niggled within which became magnified by drink and the unconscious mind being let out for a few sentences.  I'm sure Baynham's dad no sooner wanted someone's fingers up his arse than I wanted whatever I yelled at The Breadknife.  However, I guess the release of a suppressed annoyance manifests itself in a peculiar form of anger.

Then again, he might just have had an itch.

gazzyk1ns

  • "I don't give a shit if your dad's dead or anything else"
Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #41 on: September 27, 2004, 05:15:04 PM »
EDIT: I started writing this before Ciarán replied to Partridge up there...

Quote from: "Ciarán"
The "real" name for Peter's Mad Thoughts is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder...


Well... not meaning to patronise you or undermine the seriousness of OCD, but surely a perfectly healthy can have these thoughts? I assume you would be deemed as having a problem only if, as it sounds like was the case for you, you started having them a bit too often. The other thing is that it sounds like you genuinely thought you might actually carry them out, I don't really think that's true of me, I just imagine what the conseqences would be (sometimes in a fair bit of detail!), as PT described in his initial post.

As someone has already said, I think it's just down to a kind of "morbid curiosity", thinking "This situation is really pleasant, hehe imagine how bizarre, uncalled for, and degrading to your reputation it would be to ruin it.". Another one I've thought about is when a mate/girlfriend says something like "Just go inthere and get yourself [whatever]" - clearly telling you that they trust you completely to wander about unsupervised in their house and go into cupboards, etc. without doing anything inappropriate - but then going into the kitchen or wherever and kicking cupboards in, smashing glasses, etc.

It's also interesting to think about exactly how they would react, isn't it, bearing in mind they wouldn't have thought you'd have done that in a million years... if you carried out the above actions, the person would probably come running in thinking people had broken in and beaten me up, but then they'd see just me there doing it and think "Wha.... is he.... why....". That's part of the curiosity of thinking about it, they "know" you'd never do it, and you "know" you'd never do it.

Jemble Fred

  • ... And I ain't ashamed.
    • 100% BALLS
Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #42 on: September 27, 2004, 05:18:38 PM »
Quote from: "gazzyk1ns"
That's part of the curiosity of thinking about it, they "know" you'd never do it, and you "know" you'd never do it.


Like sexually assaulting your boss during an appraisal.

I can't get the childish image of a bearded, bandaged Rob Newman shadow-boxing out of my head now.

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #43 on: September 27, 2004, 05:31:54 PM »
Quote from: "terminallyrelaxed"
bollocks to Freud

Heheh.

Lt Plonker

  • Never forget.
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Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #44 on: September 27, 2004, 06:27:49 PM »
Quote from: "gazzyk1ns"
It's also interesting to think about exactly how they would react, isn't it, bearing in mind they wouldn't have thought you'd have done that in a million years... if you carried out the above actions, the person would probably come running in thinking people had broken in and beaten me up, but then they'd see just me there doing it and think "Wha.... is he.... why....". That's part of the curiosity of thinking about it, they "know" you'd never do it, and you "know" you'd never do it.


I think there was something in Douglas Adams' book Long Dark Teatime of the Soul. Dirk swipes the coffee of a women he's sitting next to, under the impression that she'd never confront him because it'd be too far fetched to believe that he had actually had the gall to do it right in front of her.

She does though.


Most of my 'mad thoughts' involve customers and what would happen if I were to push them off the balcony at work or throwing food in their fat fucking faces. I have a lot of sex related ones too PLC, but most usually descend into a sub-channel 5 soft-porn adventure, complete with a diegetic, generic jazz score.

Regarding the drama last night, I couldn't help wonder whether the actor in the main role would develop ghost symptoms from acting like that over an extended periond of time.

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #45 on: September 27, 2004, 07:31:52 PM »
Yep, I get these all the time. I was talking about it to a friend ages ago and then later they told me that they had accidentally started doing it after I told them about it. I normally just think about things like if I am given a present wondering what would happen if I started destroying it and yelling about how shit it was. Thinking about how I could ruin things in the most easy way, for example just punching someone in the face as hard as you can at the most innapropriate time possible, someone who completely doesn't deserve it and is probably doing something either especially nice or something completely normal.

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #46 on: September 27, 2004, 07:44:10 PM »
I wonder how many of these suicides without any history of depression or mental illness are related to this sort of thing?  What about fatal car crashes with no sign of car trouble.  Something that we'll probably never know though.

Personally I think Bush probably had this weird idea pop into his head about invading Iraq.  He mentioned it in innocence to Rumsfeld, who took it as an order.  By the time everyone realised, the wheels were in motion.  God, please don't turn into an Iraq thread.

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #47 on: September 27, 2004, 07:54:31 PM »
I'm pretty sure I do this too, but it is largely sexual. The one that someone said that I could associate with was the whole "a train's coming, what would happen to me if I jumped in front of it?".

While very "out of it" one time in a club I started verbalising these thoughts which I would never actually go through with, very loudly to a friend. A young lady was wearing a short skirt sitting next to me and I was telling him how much I just wanted to crawl up in between her thighs (literally). Needless to say she heard every word.

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #48 on: September 27, 2004, 08:01:26 PM »
Quote from: "Jemble Fred"
Well who else was watching 'Dirty Filthy Love' (I think it was called) last night then? Michael Kitchen developing Tourettes was experiencing this problem exactly, not being able to keep it all in.


Michael Sheen. Sorry to be a nit-picking twat.

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #49 on: September 27, 2004, 08:23:02 PM »
I get thoughts like this all the time. The only worrying ones are those where I might hurt myself, like standing on the edge of a cliff and having the urge to jump off, or where I think about ways I could get killed, but in excessive detail, often til I get quite upset by it.

The mad thoughts are funny though, I get them loads on the bus to and from work. Sometimes they're so ridiculous I have to stiffle giggles and stare into my lap to avoid looking like a mental. This morning I was wondering what would happen if I got out the  shower and brushed my teeth, but somehow forgot to dress or do my hair. So I'd get on the bus, soaking wet, my bathrobes hanging open with my pods on display, rabies-infection like foaming toothpaste running down my chin and ridiculous fluffy hair. I'd just suddenly realise once i'd sat down. Its kinda like I want to experience that extreme embarassment, you know, just to see what it's like.

I get the kissing girls on the back of the neck one too, but its kinda scary because that doesn't seem quite as mental as all the others. I'd never do it though, I'd be too busy masturbating.

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #50 on: September 27, 2004, 09:34:28 PM »
Oh heavens, not you lot as well.

I second the "pornography of morbid curiosity" paradigm. In one sense you could argue that the exercise of deliberately not actualising these fantasies, while engaged in their vivid mental articulation, tautens the faculties and helps cultivate efficient multi-tasking skills.

That's how I reassure myself afterwards, at least.
The chief culprits for me seem to be triggered by the boring situations I find myself in:

- Suddenly throwing a cup of coffee in the other person's face during one-to-one meetings... the fantasy would be complete if my interlocutor merely carried on talking without a break; calmly taking out a handkerchief and casually dabbing at their face and spectacles

- The urge to abruptly leap up during general office meetings; pull open my clothes and wiggle my exposed "gentlemanly components" vigorously while running around in circles on top of the boardroom table, yelling "The giraffes! The giraffes!" in a tortured howl infused with thespian melodrama.
Whilst a large portion of my mind is enrapt with this horrible, intense vision, the autopilot bit's simultaneously making my head nod emphatically at each new sales figures projection; trying not to let the glazed expression of fake interest I use on these occasions mutate into a crazed leer, while unconsciously snapping the odd pencil in my fist with the effort of not actually doing... it  

- At the supermarket checkout, I invariably find myself consciously struggling not to reach out and squeeze the pimples of the anaemic teenage girl behind the counter as she runs her bar-code scanner over my frozen vegetables.
"Hold on... there, got it - whoa, that last one was a beaut" (wiping the residue discreetly down the flank of a Pringles tube)
"Thankyou sir - and do you have a loyalty card?"

Thank god I've not succumbed to these urges yet.
Yet.
Having said that...

Some years back I attended a party held for an acquaintance who was getting married the next day. I'd always quite admired the geometry of the bride-to-be's cleavage and the warm, dark canyon it formed; which on this occasion disappeared tantalisingly below the low cut of a rather fetching dress. During the evening I kept repeatedly speculating on the likely effect if I was to simply march up to her, seize her by the waist, plunge my face deep into that inviting region and go "wubble, wubble, wubble".
So I actually did it.
Screams, shouts, recriminations, a swift exit.

They're divorced now.

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #51 on: September 27, 2004, 09:44:46 PM »
Quote from: "Disco Dalek"
- At the supermarket checkout, I invariably find myself consciously struggling not to reach out and squeeze the pimples of the anaemic teenage girl behind the counter as she runs her bar-code scanner over my frozen vegetables.
"Hold on... there, got it - whoa, that last one was a beaut" (wiping the residue discreetly down the flank of a Pringles tube)
"Thankyou sir - and do you have a loyalty card?"


never come to my store.

weekender

  • Member
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Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #52 on: September 27, 2004, 09:55:25 PM »
Whilst we're on the subject of supermarkets, does anyone else find it really funny to put items of shopping in temporarily abandoned baskets/trolleys, and then hiding at the end of the aisle to watch the confused shopper come back to shopping they're now slightly less convinced was theirs?

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #53 on: September 27, 2004, 10:00:29 PM »
Quote from: "weekender"
Whilst we're on the subject of supermarkets, does anyone else find it really funny to put items of shopping in temporarily abandoned baskets/trolleys, and then hiding at the end of the aisle to watch the confused shopper come back to shopping they're now slightly less convinced was theirs?

Whoever stuck Vagisil in my trolley probably did

Johnny Yesno

  • Perfume of a critic's burning flesh
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Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #54 on: September 28, 2004, 01:01:51 PM »
Quote from: "Disco Dalek"
- At the supermarket checkout, I invariably find myself consciously struggling not to reach out and squeeze the pimples of the anaemic teenage girl behind the counter as she runs her bar-code scanner over my frozen vegetables.
"Hold on... there, got it - whoa, that last one was a beaut" (wiping the residue discreetly down the flank of a Pringles tube)
"Thankyou sir - and do you have a loyalty card?"


Definitely one for Freud... or Finbarr Saunders.

I took part in a couple of psychology studies where they were asking loads of questions about irrational thoughts, how likely the thinker felt they were to carry them out and if this affected their confidence, etc. Of course, I answered them all negatively because a positive response means you're as mad as a busload of nutters.

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #55 on: September 28, 2004, 05:52:55 PM »
It's a theory I've proffered on here before, but here it is again: perhaps we develop acne after puberty to encourage intimacy between the sexes. So you're supposed to want to pick her spots.


I occasionally respond to these urges we're talking about. Most recently I leant off my bike to crack an old lady pedestrian on the arse as I whipped by. I could have killed her, if not from the shock then from the sudden and long forgotten rush of blood to her nether regions. Booing the newlyweds at the London meet was similar. ^^^ Whoever suggested it's the Tourettes was right I think. That Annie Lennox has a lot to answer for.

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #56 on: September 29, 2004, 11:20:25 AM »
Last night I watched an episode of Seinfeld where this happens (The Hamptons, S5 E21 if anyone's interested). George is being driven to this place they're going for a weekend with a woman he hasn't slept with yet - but fully expects to over the weekend, and he thinks something like:

"Amazing isn'y it? If I reached out now and touched her breast, she'd probably slap me and kick me out of the car. But in 24 hours time I'll have full license to do it"

Obviously he never gets to sleep with her, but I won't reveal why.

imitationleather

  • "The French... are famous... for their kissing"
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Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #57 on: November 14, 2004, 01:51:26 AM »
*Irresistible bump*

Sorry, but I had to, this thread is too good to miss.

Like everyone, I get these all the time and had wondered if anyone else did. One of the reasons I'm nervous about learning to drive is because I'm not sure if I could resist the temptation to drive on the wrong side of the road or reverse down the motorway.

When I'm in the living room I get such a strong urge to throw my laptop over my balcony that it actually makes me quite nervous. Also, when I'm on the tube and the doors are just about to close I wonder what it'd be like if I threw my mobile phone through them. It's like that bit in Reggie Perrin where he throws his suitcase out of the window.

I did sort of act on them a few times. I was over at my girlfriend's house and she asked me to help tidy her room. For no reason, I started throwing everything everywhere and walked into a wall. I wasn't throwing stuff in a violent way, and I kept saying things like, "Am I making it tidier?!" while I was doing it. She didn't seem to mind.

Worrying ones are things like wondering what would happen if I pushed someone infront of a Tube train or off a bridge. I also wonder if I could get away with murdering someone, but that's not really much to do with this. Obviously, I couldn't and I wouldn't ever do it, officer.

If I was dying of cancer I might just think, "Ah, fuck it!" and start acting on my impulses. Maybe. They wouldn't gaol a dying man, would they?

Still Not George

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Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #58 on: November 14, 2004, 02:40:03 AM »
Quote from: "imitationleather"
Like everyone, I get these all the time and had wondered if anyone else did. One of the reasons I'm nervous about learning to drive is because I'm not sure if I could resist the temptation to drive on the wrong side of the road or reverse down the motorway.


This is the entire reason I still don't have a driving license. Well, that and the Catch-22 surrounding my owning a car - can't get a job that pays well without a car, can't maintain a car without a decent paying job.

I get these all the damned time, and they've made me do some incredibly stupid things, and some very rewarding things. Thankfully I have Cerys around most of the time to stop me doing anything like switching off my bank manager's computer terminal while he's helping us with an overdraft extension...

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #59 on: November 14, 2004, 02:53:00 AM »
I'm never ever going to learn to drive and i just realised why after reading this thread.  When i was 11, I went to a school in a lovely old building that had a really nice original twisty staircase.  In normal moments i wanted to slide down the banister, and did, just down the last couple of yards. If i stood at the top, however, it had a beautifully inviting round human-sized gap that looked straight down to the polished chequered floor at the bottom.  I was scared that it would be too tempting and stopped myself from looking when i got up there.