Zut alors! Ze nouveau MATTER OF FACT 'ALLO 'ALLO!

[Glebe]

Opening theme.

INT.CAFE RENE.DAY.

RENE ARTOIS (to camera): Oh, 'allo! Things have been very stressful round 'ere lately, my friends. I 'ave once again failed - comically! - to 'elp zee bumbling Germans to successfully 'ide the Fallen Madonna with zee Big Boobies from snatching 'ands! Wait! Someone iz coming! I had better get back behind the Fourth Wall!

LT. GRUBER: Hallo mein Rene, my you are looking very handsome today!

RENE: Er, thank you lieutenant.

GRUBER: By zeh vay, hav you managed to secure zeh Fallen Madonna with zeh Big Boobies? Sorry to hav caused you any trouble, my dear friend (touches Rene's hand), but orders are orders...

RENE: Rather predictably, lieutenant, I 'ave not!

GRUBER: Oh. Oh well. There have been rumblings in high places of late. I am afraid this is going right to the top, this time, Rene. Please forgive me, it is out of mein hands!

RENE: Oh! I 'ope it will not cause too much trouble!

INT.WAR ROOM, HITLER'S BUNKER.SOME HOUR OF THE NIGHT OR DAY.

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN: The enemy has made a breakthrough along a wide front. In the south, they have taken Zossen and is advancing towards Stahnsdorf. They are at the northern city border between Frohnau and Pankow ...and in the east, they have reached Lichtenberg, Mahlsdorf and Karlshorst.

HITLER: Gruber's attainment of The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies will bring everything under control.

VON KLINKERHOFFEN: Mein Führer... Gruber...

HERR OTTO FLICK: Gruber could not mobilize Rene and the gang to secure the painting. He was unable to keep it hidden... again.

MR. HITLER: These will stay here: Von Klinkerhoffen, Herr Flick, Von Strohm, Geering.

Everyone else leaves.

BRUNO GANZ: THAT WAS AN ORDER! HOW DARE YOU DISOBEY ME! YOU'VE ALL BEEN LYING TO ME! COWARDS!

COLONEL KURT VON STROHM: Mein Führer, I cannot permit you to insult the cast like that. It's outrageous!

MR. HILTER: Cowards, traitors, failures! You've put every kind of obstacle in my way! Writers David Croft & Jeremy Lloyd probably spent years at a writing academy just to learn to hold this! (throws pencil across room). I should have had you all liquidated, like comedy Italian Bertorelli did with his lot! And that degenerate painter... what was his name? Van something...

CAPTAIN HANS GEERING: KLOMP!

BRUNO GLANZ: That's it... you were put to better use in Porridge, Sam Kelly! What a monstrous betrayal of the English viewing public! I've been betrayed and deceived from the very beginning! By the way, what's up with the English airmen not being understood, but the French and Germans speak to each other no prob - are they all speaking French or all speaking German? You will drown in your own blood! Do you hear me, Herr Flick?

INT.CORRIDOR, HITLER'S BUNKER.DAY FOR NIGHT.

PRIVATE HELGA GEERHART: Sob!

HERR ENGELBERT VON SMALLHAUSEN: Frau Geerhart, please calm yourself!

INT.WAR ROOM, HITLER' BUNKER.WHENEVER.

BRUNO: The series ran for ten years, from 1982 to 1992, though there was no series broadcast in 1990! It attracted millions of viewers around the world, proving popular in both France and Germany! It was classic saucy English postcard humour! In addition to the original run, 2007's one-off special The Return of 'Allo 'Allo! reunited many of the original surviving cast, who all seemed like extremely nice people and reminisced about the classic series in humble fashion! Famous fans like late controversial auteur Ken Russell even contributed!

And what do they get in return? NOTHING! The show is dismissed as populist, bawdy nonsense, despite reruns on the Beeb and GOLD! But what a cast! It even included a recurring role for Carry On legend Kenneth Connor! Guy Siner later popped up in David Lynch's Lost Highway, would you believe! Of course the whole ensemble had a great lead in wonderful overweight, gay actor Gorden Kaye!

But what was Kaye thinking when, on 25 January 1990, he went out driving in gale-force winds, sustaining serious head injuries from a advertising hoarding that crashed through the windshield, and delaying filming of the seventh series? He needed emergency brain surgery and it left him with a noticeable scar on his head! And he already had a wonky eye as it is! And in addition to keeping us entertained with his deadpan reactions throughout the series run, he also found time to record a version of Serge Gainsbourg's 'Je t'aime... moi non plus' with Vicki Michelle, who plays Yvette, which only managed No. 57 in the UK charts, but still! And the terrible Rene waxwork that featured at Louis Tussauds House of Wax in Great Yarmouth has become a popular, long running in-joke on Chris Morris/Peter Cook fan website for mentally-ill, unemployed men, Cook'd and Bomb'd!

(quieting down) My orders have fallen on deaf ears. It is over. The war... is lost. But if you, my gentlemen, believe I am leaving Berlin because of it... you are seriously mistaken. I'd rather shoot a bullet through the head.

Do what you want. 

YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING.

Closing theme.

[DangledTeeth]

Commoincemont Veem

Int. Cafe Croissant (or sammink). WAR

Rene Magritte: Done a painting of an orange coloured yellow on top of a doll's house which is actually a normal house viewed from afar.

Gruber: As I was going to St. Ives / I met a man with seven wives. / Every wife had seven sacks / Every sack had seven cats / Every cat had seven kittens / Kittens, cats, sacks, wives / How many were going to St. Ives?

Rene Magritte: I, eyr, nyurt zpeak so good Engleesh.

Gruber: "Simon Says". Simon's going to tell Lt. McClane what to do, and Lt. McClane is going to do it. Noncompliance will result in a penalty.

Rene Magritte: Nah, only jokin', mate. Dunno what the cunt you're goin' on about, though.

Gruber: Simon says, McClane and the Samaritan will go to the subway station at 72nd and Broadway. I will call you in 15 minutes on the payphone outside the station. No Police. Failure to answer will constitute noncompliance. Do you understand me, John?

Rene: John? My name ain't John, son. I am a Belgian surrealist painter called Rene. Welcome to Maplins

Gruber: Zis is not Hi-de-Hi! But I wouldn't object to purchasing a MHL 5 to 11 pin adapter.

Rene: It's Maplins not Maplin.

Gruber: Ah.

Hitler: You vill bowen döwnenageizeiteschlöppeißefahreschezen to der might of der Nazis. Resistance is fuckin' useless!

Gruber: The rules applied to both of you. I'm afraid this is noncompliance. Goodbye.

Manhattan is wiped out. Rene and Hitler are shot to killed dead. Simon Gruber's 736-year rule is in effect, but he won't live long enough to see it through. Swathes of gun-brandishing Germans march through the French countryside and seize the French capital. No one is safe. Nuet ern zyour Nauellaise

Enden themeishevoteinameschibleinigafachen

[Glebe]

Opening theme.

INT.CAFE RENE.DAY.

VON STROHM is holding court at the bar.

VON STROHM: Ah... zis life. You are born, you live, you die.

GRUBER: Hm, indeed. What's it all about, eh Rene?

RENE shrugs Frenchly.

VON STROHM: Come on Rene, you're the smart one! You must have a bedder answer then that!

RENE: I do not know, herr colonel... Comme ci, comme ça.

VON STROHM: Ho ho ho... you French are famous for your philosophers, but I'll stick with Nietzsche, if you don't mind.

GRUBER: He's kind of a 'ni(etzs)che' philosopher, haha!

Two beautiful mademoiselles smile over.

VON STROHM: Cor, look at that!

GRUBER: Eh? Oh, zey are not my er... type, colonel.

RENE opens the bar hatch.

VON STROHM: Play it cool, mein son, play it cool...

VON STROHM leans over an FALLS THROUGH THE BAR - JUST LIKE DEL IN OFAH.

After a moment, GRUBER turns back, and looks around confused for VONS STROHM, who picks himself up, all dishevelled.

VON STROHM (straightening himself out): Drink up, Hans, we're leaving!

GRUBER: But what about the two French ladies?

VON STROHM: Nah, nah, y'cramping m'style, mate! Plus you are obviously gay.

VON KLINKERHOFFEN: HALT! You are not going anywhere! That ''ni(etzs)che' joke is bad enough to warrant execution! Men, take this man outside!

To everyone's bemusement, HANS is forcibly marched outside.

EXT.MARKET SQUARE.DAY.

VON KLINKERHOFFEN: For you, Lieutenant Gruber, zeh war iz oveh! Ready, aim, fire!

GRUBER: No! NO!

GUNS: BANG!

RENE: Sigh... war is such a dreadful waste of human life, eh colonel?

VON STROHM: Sigh... indeed, Rene. Time for another brandy, methinks.

YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING.

End theme.

[DrunkCountry]

Denise: hoo-hoor, Rrrene!

Rene: ohhh! Denise!

Denise: Now wash your fingers before you 'andle food.

Rene: & you brush your teeth before you go breathing me all over ze resistance.

[DangledTeeth]

French Accordion: AH-HENNUUURG-HYUWWWW-EEEHARNGHURNNNNGGN etc.

Not Int. Street

Le Policeman: 'Allo, 'allo, 'allo! Wut iz all thiz, then?

Rene: Sitcom! No fuckin' idea what goes on. I'm not going to familiarise myself with it in order to make a near-convincing
mock-script of the narrative and characterisation.

Int. Ress-tah-rawn

Le(e) Mack: Can I have le creme DOUVE.

Waiterre: Iz nut le creme douve, it's la creme douve - iz feminine.

Le(e) Mack: It's not feminine, is it! It's an egg custard. What do I need to know the sex of an egg custard for? I want
to fuck it! Do as the Romans did. Fuck it!

Madame Quntau le Qunte (Singing like Andi Peters): We'd rather have a bowl of Rococo Pops.

French Accordion: AH-HENNUUURG-HYUWWWW-EEEHARNGHURNNNNGGN etc.

[Glebe]

La Theme Tune!

INT.CAFE RENE'S BACKROOM.DAY.

YVETTE: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRENE!

RENE: Yvette!

YVETTE runs to RENE, they hug and embrace. This continues passim up until EDITH.

MARIA: Rene!

RENE: Maria!

MIMI: Rene!

RENE: Mimi!

MICHELLE OF THE RESISTANCE: Rene!

RENE: Michelle!

HANS: Rene!

RENE: Hans!

MADAME FANNY: Rene!

RENE: Madame Fanny!

This continues with the entire cast, even GENERAL KLINKERHOFFEN, except EDITH. Then...

EDITH: Rene!

RENE: You stupid woman! Go and entertain out front!

INT.CAFE RENE.DAY.

HANS: Frau Edith, did you ever consider that marrying Rene was a bad mistake?

EDITH (singing badly): No... I've no regrets... no... I HAVE NO REGRETS!

[DangledTeeth]

Thoime Musique

Int. 'Allo 'Allo

Rene:  Yves Saint Laurent the aristocats.

Le fauxkin ond, monsieur

DangledMe: I ought to watch at least one episode in order to get an idea of what it's about.

[Glebe]

Theme.

INT.CAFE RENE BACKROOM.DAY.

LE CLERC (outside window): Psst! 'The Red Owl flies at dawn'!

RENE: Eh?

LECLERC: It is I, LeClerc!

Suddenly SAM KELLY falls out of a wardrobe.

GERRING: KLOP! Damn, mein cover izt blown! I am going to frickin' leg it!

INT.HITLER'S BUNKER.EVENING.

VON KLINKERHOFFEN: We can't find Sam Kelly. He is not on the BBC set.

BRUNO GANZ: What do you mean 'can't find him'? The former Porridge actor is a professional, he wouldn't just run off like that! Look for him! I want to see Kelly at once! If he's gone AWOL, it's desertion! Treason! BRING ME KELLY! KELLY! KELLY!

[Glebe]

Opening theme!

INT.MADAME FANNY LE FAN'S BEDROOM.DAY.

MADAME FANNY is listening with her ear trumpet, and begins to bang on the floor with her stick.

MADAME FANNY: It iz ze flashing knobs!

LECLERC: Shhh! Do not alert zem to my presence!

EDITH: Madder, wot iz it?

RENE: It is la Résistance's radio, you stupid wo-man!

AUDIENCE: Hahaha!!

MICHELLE OF THE RESISTANCE (on phone): 'allo? Tres bien! Viva la  Résistance!

EDITH: What is it, Michelle?

MICHELLE: Ze comedy balloon is all set to take ze British airman on another hilarious failed attempt, 'You have been watching' etc! I will talk to the airman, en anglais... come out from under the bed, chaps, what?

FAIRFAX: Oh, top hole! It was really getting rather stuffy under there, wasn't it Carstairs, old thing?

CARSTAIRS: It certainly was, Fairfax, old chum! Now how about a spot of tea before the cricket? This really is a rum old adventure we're on, what?

RENE: 'old on, 'oo is it in zee bed with your mother, Edith?

LECLERC: It iz I, LeClerc!

KENNETH CONNOR: May I be of any assistance, Madame Fanny?

THE END!

Closing theme!

In an important deleted scene, the British airmen help LeClerc escape from the clutches of Carry On legend Connors.