MATTER OF FACT - THE SIMPSONS

[DangledTeeth]

Int. Post Office

Homer: Hehlooooo, My name isn't Mr Burns. I buhlieve you have a ledder for meeee?

Clerk: Okay, isn't Mr Burns, what's your first name?

Homer: HOMER!

Music: BAAAA-DAAA-DAAA-DA-DUM etc.

[madhair60]

bart: don't have a cow man

(nelson beats bart into a coma.  death follows.)

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Homer Simspon: Everything appears to be in order.

Margerant Simspon: That it is Derek. That it is.

[Quincey]

MOE's BAR

MOE is polishing a glass with his wig.

MOE: Which unlikely guest celebrity do you reckon will come in today?

DEL BOY enteres with TRIGGER

DEL: Allo allo! Two glasses of your famous Duff and Coke, please, bar-man.

LENNY: Ooh, Spanglish!

MOE opens up the flap of his bar and looks at himself in the reflection of a car of pickles.

MOE: That day when I married Ms Krabappel, Princeple Skinner and Comic Book Guy was great, huh? Bring on Season 34.

DEL BOY notices Miss Hoover and Ms Krabappel over by the cigarette machine.

DEL BOY: Play it cool Trig, I think we might be on to a winner.

DEL BOY FALLS THROUGH MOE's BAR

NELSON: HAW HAW

HOMER ENTERS

HOMER: Custee!

[Glebe]

HOMER: Okay, I admit it - I'm responsible for Springfield's pork chop drought!

An angry mob approaches with torches and pitchforks.

MOE (spotting Maggie): Aw, wouldya look at dat!

SIDESHOW MEL: WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?!

CHIEF WIGGUM: Ok folks, go to your homes, no fresh gags to see here...

[DangledTeeth]

Principal and the Pauper

Principal Skinner?: My real name is ARSENAL TENMEDALLIONS.

Mrs Krabappel: No it isn't. HAH!

Bart: Judge Snyder...

Judge Snyder: I hereby declare that Principal Skinner's real name is Principal Skinner, not ALMOND TANTALUM. And if any denizen
of Springfield mentions it again they will be punished (dramatic pause) through penalty of bumming!

Springfield: YAAAAAY!

A train drives away with a shit Leslie Nielson lookalike tied to a chair

Music: BA-DA-DA-DA-DUM etc.

[Quincey]

KENT BROCKMAN: Hello, scum. Instead of actual news, I'm going to report on a non-story created just for this episode. Today, the Simpsons won tickets to Tajikistan after entering the Duff "Name the Duffman's Hat" contest."

THE SIMPSONS ARE WATCHING THIS.

BART: Ay carumba! Why Tajikistan? We can't think of any stereotypes of Tajikistan people to meet. Why can't we go to France again and met people wearing berets and drinking wine? Or Candians riding moose?

LISA: I can't wait to have plov!

HOMER burps.

[DangledTeeth]

Homer Gets Arse-punched By a Panda

Int. Toilets

Homer rolls out of a cubicle, wearing a nappy

Homer: Baby made shit in diaper.

Mrs. Vanderbilt: Why, I never! How frightfully rude! I hope someone stabs him in the brown eye.

Mr Burns: Prescient!

Ext. Zoo

Homer, wearing a panda costume, jigs inside a panda pen

Mr Burns: 29 ska-doo. Lindy-hop 56. He he he he.

A panda wanders into view

Zoo Guide: Oh-hoh-hoo, folks. It looks like that panda is gonna bang the other one. Let's leave them to get acquainted, shall we.

A curtain swishes shut with 'SHH! THE PANDAS ARE FUCKING!' emblazoned on it

Homer: MR BURNS! Help! (Homer is dragged out of sight by the panda)

Yello/Duffman Theme: OoOoOooOH YYyyYEeEEeEEeAaaH!

Lisa: Oooooh, Daaaad. (Shakes her head)

Bart: AY CARAMMEDBUM!

Dr Hibbert: EGH-HEH-HUR-HUR-HEH!

Cleetus: Tha' parnda bar done violated his asspipe.

Music: BAAAA-DA-DA-DADAAAAAA-DUM etc.

[DangledTeeth]

Saddlesore Galactica

Elf Jockey: Your horse must lose!

Homer (singing): My horse must loo-oose!

Discerning Simpsons Fan: To paraphrase Comic Book Guy: This uhpisode is BBBBOLLOCKS!

Homer: Mhmm!? How come?

DSF: Jockey elves - completely absurd, even if it is an animated sitcom.

Homer: So you have no problem whatsoever with my winning a horse at a funfair then forcing it to wear a James Dean-style biker jacket, a baggy 70s-era hat, dying its tail into a rainbow and whacking a door knocker-ring through its nose?

DSF: No, mate. That I can overlook.

Homer: Er... fucking d'oh?

Music: BAAAA-DA-DA-DADAAA-DUM etc.

[Buttress]

The Spromwpnss

BARGJT: Aye how about a cow, man?

MAJ: Mow Mow Mow, beer, couch.

HUMOR: (constipated grunt) Dough!

MAGAGY: (suckling)

LEASER: Whole foods are good for joint-rheumatisms.

HUMOR: Take that, Take That. Food.

[DangledTeeth]

Little Big Mom

Memory of Ned: Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all. Nothing at all! NOTHING AT ALL!

Homer: Agh! Unintelligent next door neighbour sporting an all-in-one spandex suit and a helmet, proudly shaking his glutes as he stands on snow in a pair of skis. Cunt!

[Quincey]

Episode 341: The New Character

New Character: Wowee! It's great to be in Springfield!

Sea Captain: Arrr! Another cringe-worthy new character who will never appear in any following episode, says I.

Townspeople come up to the new character.

New Character: Isn't the Fox network rubbish? Better not criticise it too much though, as they show the Simpsons. I hate Fox! Although it does show the Simpsons. Look at us! A Fox show criticizing Fox. What next? A new Bart catchphrase?

BART RIDES PAST ON A DIRT BIKE

BART: Short my eats!

SKINNER: That's "Lessen my rations, solider!"

HOMER: Why you little...thought-out plotline.

MARGE: Time to read another WH Smith catalogue.

LISA: Time to read the complete works of Charles Dickens.

VIEWER: Time to see what's on another channel.

[Phil_A]

MR BORNS: what Ho sonny, is this the way to the diskoturk

SIDEBOB SHOW: beautiful day in Sprongfilled::execution halted
NIELSON: hwah hwah, have you got the new Siltrox 68 cartridge, multi-purpose, the Feds cant block it, the eyes can't watch it

BA_RT: whats with all these leaders man is it christmas in alberta 28:28: ready ready

[Phil_A]

MOEDGE: it's not right can we offer alternatives?

HOMERE: affirmative, but not on St Peltrex morn.

HOMERE: how is it holding? Examples provided~~

KRASTY: Hey hey how is that working out, your ideas of freedom! Play again?

[DangledTeeth]

Cape Feare

Int. Office

FBI Man: Tell you what, Mr Simpson, from now on your name is Homer Thompson, at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit. So when I say 'hello Mr. Thompson', you say 'hi'.

Homer: Gotcha.

FBI Man: Hello Mr Thompson.

Homer: Hello.

FBI Man 2: Good, good. That went smoothly

Mr Burns: Who is this Homer Simpson fellow anyway?

Homer: Me, sir.

FBI Men: GUANGH!

[Phil_A]

Addendum to previous post:

[DangledTeeth]

Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Abe: The seventh Hellfish has died! That means the fortune is almost mine.

Mr Burns: Pinched the keys!

Bart: Double yoink! Come on, Grampa, let's get to that column thing before Mr Burns does.

Abe: FUCKIN' ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

[Glebe]

RALPH WIGGUM: My iPhone loves me!

HOMER: Snore... Marge, change the channel!

LENNY: That's our Homer!