Local Newspaper Stupidity and other observations...

[Jimmy]

Well I'm prepared for this thread to drop like a stone, but I thought it might be interesting to see what things the posters on here have found interesting, funny or unusual in their local papers, particuarly in the "letters" section...

There's been some real gems in The Sheffield Star over the last couple of  months, such as...

This week a man wrote a letter opposing abortion, and an important part of his argument was the rhetorical question  "what other species apart from humans kills its own young?"

There was also a letter recently which was saying that it was about time the internet was banned because of all the harm it causes a statement along the lines of  "at least then our kids would be safe". Because as we all know, paedophiles only exist in cyberspace don't they?

Theres always LOADS of letters from elderly people whining about the youth of today, no respect etc and I giot so sick of this "tar-them-all-with-one-brush" approach that I wrote in to redress the balance a bit, and even to suggest that old people are quilty of ill manners too- pushing on buses anyone??

There were also quite a few letters defending Mr Kilroy-Silk, I expect that this was the case elsewhere too?

I also had another letter printed recently too, but thats for another time...

Finally funniest headline I've seen was "Yob stole electricity" which just made me picture a burberry attired supervillain, cackling as the whole of South Yorkshire is plunged into darkness...

[king mob]

Finally funniest headline I've seen was "Yob stole electricity" which just made me picture a burberry attired supervillain, cackling as the whole of South Yorkshire is plunged into darkness...

I have this vision of a pikey in Bedminster swallowing electricity for their brood of Chantel's

[Hairy Chin]

Perhaps he kept it in a box at a lock-up garage somewhere.

You should write back saying that the state of the world currently isn't due to the 'yoof of  today' - they're the ones who've left the world in the state it is, and we have to put up with it.

Cantankerous old codgers.

[Evil Knevil]

I don't read local newspapers, but I've worked for them. Trust me, you should see the letters the editor rejects :) It also ties into the whole graphology debate; you could easily tell who the old duffers were from their parkinsonian handwriting.

Oh, and try "Write On" p346 on ITV Teletext. Hilarious! All about brigades and Guardian readers :)

[Santa's Boyfriend]

"You corner me, I might become a scallywag!"

[Gazeuse]

Finally funniest headline I've seen was "Yob stole electricity" which just made me picture a burberry attired supervillain, cackling as the whole of South Yorkshire is plunged into darkness...

I have this vision of a pikey in Bedminster swallowing electricity for their brood of Chantel's

That reminds me of a story in out local rag about our ex-town drunk, Ernie. One of his nastier junky mates had a flat next to Ernie's and he ran an extension lead out of Ernie's window and into his flat and then ran all his own electrical gear from it. Ernie was too daft to notice for some time and the nasty bloke was eventually discovered and taken to court over it.

He's now dead through an overdose and Ernie too has passed on. I think his liver shot out of his arse and clubbed him to death one night.

The best story though was one about a bloke who was discovered one night in a field of sheep armed with a tub of Nivea and some rags. He said something about being very fond of sheep when he was arrested.

[king mob]

Anyone who lives in Bristol will be aware of the Evening Post & its "Devil Advocate" column.
Its hard to describe but it has to be read to be believed at times.

Heres a recent example

Morecambe is a horrible, horrible place. I've spent many a wet, winter Sunday there for various reasons and the miserable experience has left an indelible mental scar. There's no sea, nothing to do and no one to do it with. The smell of donkey droppings, damp whippets and greasy chips hangs over the place like a sickly shroud. There's a constant soaking drizzle, pram-faced Scousers lurk outside the bingo halls smoking Lambert and Butlers and even the seagulls seem depressed. I hate the place.

Given the moribund nature of my visits there, I think I might have noticed the somewhat exotic sight of 30 Chinese cockle-pickers wandering down the prom. Or if I didn't, someone should have done.

Think about it. We are talking wet, flat, dreary Lancashire here - a place less cosmopolitan than a Ku Klux Klan picnic. Yet we now know that scores of Chinese have been descending on the town to strip shellfish from the mudflats. And nobody thought to question why?

This is Morecambe Bay, not the Yangtze Delta.

Even the dimmest policeman, or coastguard, or social security investigator or even the bloody lollipop man must have recognised that something wasn't quite right and could have taken the appropriate action.

Instead everyone turned a blind eye and got on with their daily grind of catching motorists doing 3mph over the limit, or arresting grannies with too many fags in their suitcases, or persecuting desperate people trying to feed their kids.

And now, of course, the Leftie hand-wringing is immense. Illegal immigrants banged up ten to a room in Liverpool hovels and paid a pound a day by evil criminals? Outrageous.

How did we let this happen? Double guilt complexes all round.

Well that's simple. We let this happen because our borders are so open that every Tom, Dick and Mao can seemingly wander in at their will. And once here they are dreadfully vulnerable to exploitation by the criminal gangs who provide cheap labour to unscrupulous employers.

(One might also ask why it was necessary for Chinese coolies to have to pick the cockles in the first place, given that they're worth about £20 a bucket. Where were the hard-working, young locals ready to get their hands dirty to make a few bob? Too busy chewing gum on street corners in their Burberry caps and shell suits, that's where. Why graft when Blah provides? ) If we had a sensible and properly enforced immigration policy, with work permits and national insurance numbers issued to those who have entered this country legally (and let no one argue that we don't need immigrant labour), there would be a level of protection for our new citizens.

Mr Blunkett wants immigrants to learn about Admiral Nelson and the words to the National Anthem.

These poor buggers never got the chance.

Instead, our witless, feckless government wobbles from crisis to crisis with no cohesive policy, no regard for public opinion, and no idea how to stem the constant flow of ready victims.

"Never mind 19 dead Chinese, let's ban Happy Hour. Never mind saving other people's skins. Let's just worry about trying to save our own." It's enough to make you puke.

(Incidentally, is there any tragedy that the sleazy opportunists of NuLabour won't try to exploit for their own ends? The announcement of a new, national police unit suddenly includes gang-masters as one of its targets - a phrase half the population had never heard until the weekend - while Mr Blunkett blindly asserts that if we'd had identity cards, this terrible thing would.

ISN'T THE case of Maxine Carr's release from jail a complete and utter scandal?

True, she may have been involved in one of the most infamous murder cases of recent years, but she's been tried, found guilty, been sentenced, and will very soon have served her time. She has every right to leave prison, undergo plastic surgery and then live out the rest of her days watching Bad Girls in a comfy safe house paid for by us, The Great British Mugs.

It really isn't her fault. Her case is being handled according to the rules, which state that because she had already spent 17 months in custody before her trial, and was then only sentenced to three and a half years in chokey, she became eligible for parole on January 4. Let's face it, she could already be out and you wouldn't know a thing about it. That woman at the Pic 'n Mix counter in Woolworth's might well look familiar - But again, it's not her fault.

Minor criminals, and she is one by the nature of her offence, are allowed to apply to be released under a curfew scheme (which means wearing an electronic tag) if they have been sentenced to less than four years in prison, are not dangerous and have not been convicted of a sex crime.

None of the above applies to Ms Carr. She is therefore free to go as soon as the governor of her nick says so.

And under European Human Rights legislation, we won't even be allowed to burn her as a witch once The Sun tracks her down. She'll be protected for the rest of her life.

You might think this is wrong. I would agree. But when you think how many serious criminals (and I don't mean speeding motorists or people who get drunk at football matches) must be walking out of our prisons after serving a fraction of their sentences, you might question why NuLabour and their Guardian -reading, tree-hugging apparatchiks introduced such a scheme in the first place.

MORE ON the Huntley case.

Predictable wailing in the Press when it's discovered that the parents of Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman are to receive "only" £11,000 apiece in compensation for the tragic loss of their daughters.

Well, you might think me a trifle hard, but since when did having your child murdered become a money-raising opportunity? It was a terrible, terrible Act of God, but it's surely not a case for Claims Direct.

REMEMBER WHEN we were told by the Powers That Be that one in ten of us was gay?

Remember looking around your office trying to spot those with Shirley Bassey records in their collection?

Remember glancing nervously around the changing rooms at Sunday morning football, trying to spot the man with the conditioner in his soap bag?

Remember scratching "Nancy Boy" on the bonnet of the Volkswagen convertible parked outside that wine bar?

It was nonsense, as are most government statistics. The lie is exposed by politically correct ministers who argued that we needed a new law granting marriage rights to gay couples because at least 425,000 of them were panting at the altar.

Sheer tosh. As the recently released 2001 Census results show, there are only 40,000 gay couples in a same-sex partnership in the entire country - and that includes the Welsh. So where are the other 385,000? Down at IKEA arguing about the colour of the curtains?

Quite why this government insists on promoting the rights of supposed minorities over the needs of the rest of us is beyond me. As someone smarter than me said this week, if there were no homosexuals in Britain, NuLabour would have to invent them.

I WAS distressed to read that Cherie Blah was upset because she and her family couldn't sleep properly because of all the fuss about the Hutton Report.

One wonders how much sleep the mother of a soldier serving in Iraq is getting at the moment.

The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this web site, of anyone not amused by the news that the inventor of the Atkins Diet weighed 18 stone when he turned up his toes, of anyone not amazed that 250,000 Yanks rang up to complain about Janet Jackson's floppy right boob while less then a hundred Brits had a moan about Johnny Rotten's bad language, or of anyone who didn't enjoy Jordan's bravado performance on IACGMOOH.

She pouted, she preened, she pulled.

[dan dirty ape]

I saw an advert for a village fete boasting 'The sixth best guitar player in the world'.  If he'd have claimed to be the best guitar player in the world there probably would have been widespread scorn and disbelief, but to advertise yourself as SIXTH best....maybe he was, I don't know.

This was the fete that also had the star attraction 'the car from Only Fools and Horses..plus one of the country's best Del Boy lookalikes...and the actual Mickey Pearce.'

[fbb bastard]

a little off the beat..national not local but i couldnt resist it....

http://news.independent.co.uk/world/science_medical/story.jsp?story=491472

Mr Choudhury, 57, is quite blunt about his decision to go after those teachers he believes are infringing his copyright. He told Business 2.0 magazine: "I have balls like atom bombs, two of them, 100 megatons each. Nobody fucks with me."

the "two of them" in that bit is particularly funny

[Hairy Chin]

Well it's good to know he's not greedy or owt by having three or more atom-bomb-like balls.