Football 2015/16

[Eis Nein]

The worst crime Luis Suarez ever committed at LFC happened during a pre-season testimonial. He, with malice aforethought, poked a slightly overhit thrrough ball for the chubby slumlord and cackled as he failed to make the required yard. Brutal pathos akin to the final moments of the cave troll in Balin's tomb.

[Van Dammage]

Brilliant stuff in the copa America. Best match so far being Panama vs Bolivia, surprisingly. Di Maria has just put Argentina into the lead against Chile.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Presumably this was shot inside one of his properties.

[Captain Z]

Presumably this was shot inside one of his properties.

Like several missing prostitutes.

[im barry bethel]

Koeman to Everton a done deal, seems a sideways move at best

[Ignatius_S]

Koeman to Everton a done deal, seems a sideways move at best

Haven't Everton been making noises about the importance of retaining talent, rather than selling? Or am I misrembering that? In any case, it's been reported that he would have access to far greater transfer funds and previously, although publicly he's been realistic about transfer funds/policy at Southampton, he's also expressed frustration. I have a few mates who are Saints fans and they've been expressing it as a step up... no idea how representative that is though!

[Van Dammage]

Everton have new owners don't they? If they give him access to decent funding I can see him making a good push next season.

[Rolf Lundgren]

Having Defoe involved seemed a bit shit to be honest. Some of the celebrities are fit but limited, then you've got the fat ex-pros wheezing from about 20 minutes in, so it unbalances it somewhat to bring in an active elite-level player who just scored 15 Premier League goals. He should've had about 5 goals last night.

Speaking of lopsided charity games, there was an England v Germany game at Upton Park a few months back. The German team had either ignored or not read the memo that said put a few celebrities in your team (presumably Henning Wehn and Boris Becker) so where the English team was a mix of old pros and celebrities, the German team was all old pros, barely retired. With Ballack, Bobic and Neuville running the play, England needed an inspired substitution to change the game so brought on Lee Mack and Russell Howard.

[Van Dammage]

Costa Rica falling apart completely now. 3-0 down to the USA. Bryan Ruiz trying his best to give them some individual flair but he seems to be the only one doing anything worthwhile.

[Van Dammage]

Man U have just signed Eric Baily and it seems Tahith Chong is on his way to Manchester too.

[finnquark]

Juve tediously ensure a sixth consecutive scudetto by buying Roma's best player Pjanic. So boring.

Buffon; Bonucci, Chiellini, Barzagli; Alves, Marchisio, Pogba, Pjanic, Sandro; Dybala, Mandzukic - should be aiming for the Champions League next year.

[Van Dammage]

https://streamable.com/d39h

Mate. Why can't setanta commentators get that excited. Cheeky goal from Rondon there.

[rjd2]

Juve tediously ensure a sixth consecutive scudetto by buying Roma's best player Pjanic. So boring.

Buffon; Bonucci, Chiellini, Barzagli; Alves, Marchisio, Pogba, Pjanic, Sandro; Dybala, Mandzukic - should be aiming for the Champions League next year.

To be fair Real Madrid and Man United are supposedly very keen on Pogba which might even it up a little!

[Van Dammage]

He also apparently bought a house in Barcelona recently. Which may be an indication of things to come.

[Deanjam]

Full list of Premier League players released.

Full list of released players:

Bournemouth: Joshua Carmicheal, Sylvain Distin, Jonathan Mukendi Muleba, Jayden Connor Stockley, Joshua Wakefield, Stephane Zubar.

Arsenal: Mikel Arteta, Mathieu Flamini. Tomas Rosicky.

Aston Villa: Charlie Bannister, Janoi Doancien, Lewis Kinsella, Kodi Lyons-Foster, Charles N'Zogbia, Kieran Richardson, Benjamin Siegrist, Joshua Webb.

Chelsea: Marco Amelia, Tika Musonda, Kevin Wright.

Crystal Palace: Emmanuel Adebayor, Reise Allassani, Andreas Breimyr, Marouane Chamakh, Connor Dymond, Spencer Forte, Matthew George, David Gregory, Brede Hangeland, William Hoare, Christopher Kettings, Adrian Mariappa, Patrick McCarthy, Oliver Pain, Christian Scales.

Everton: Aidan Graham, Tony Hibbert, Leon Osman, Steven Pienaar, Felipe Rohde, Jindrich Stanek, Jordan Thorniley.

Leicester City: Kyle Bailey, Jack Barmby, Jacob Blyth, Dean Hammond, Aaron Hassall, Michael Kelly, Keenan King, Paul Konchesky, Jonathon Maddison, Harrison Panayiotou, Mark Schwarzer, Max Smith-Varnam, Ryan Watson.

Liverpool: Tom Brewitt, Daniel Cleary, William Marsh, Ryan McLaughlin, Alex O'Hanlon,  Kristof Polgar, Jose Enrique, Kolo Toure, Samed Yesil.

Manchester City: Charlie Albinson, Martin Demichelis, Nathaniel Oseni, Sam Tattum. Richard Wright.

Manchester United: George Dorrington, Nick Powell, Victor Valdes, Oliver Rathbone.

Newcastle United: Steven Taylor.

Norwich City: Reiss Awuah, Afolabi Coker, Adel Gafaiti, Reece Hall-Johnson, Cameron King, Jamar Loza, Cameron Norman, Obasiarinse Uade.

Southampton: William Britt, Kelvin Davis, Gaston Ramirez.

Stoke City: Benjamin Barber, Edward Dryden, Bobby Moseley, Ryan O'Reilly, Peter Odemwingie, Steve Sidwell, Petros Skapetis, Mason Watkins-Clark.

Sunderland: Liam Agnew, Wes Brown, Steven Fletcher, Daniel Graham, Stephen Harper, Mikael Mandron, Martin Smith.

Swansea City: Daniel Alfei, Kyle Copp, James Demetriou, Stephen Fallon, Alexander Gogic, Raheem Hanley, Henry Jones, Lee Lucas, Gareth Owen.

Tottenham: Emmanuel Sonupe.

Watford: Goerge Byers, Josh Doherty, Lars Elkstrand, Karl Ikpeazu, Jorell James, Mahlando Martin, Bernard Mensah Jr, Luke Simpson, Alfie Young.

West Brom: Victor Anichebe, Samir Nabi, Stephane Sessegnon.

West Ham: Jordan Brown, Leo Chambers, Elliot Lee, Nathan Mavila, Amos Nasha, Joseph O'Brien.

Hibbert, Osman & Pienaar. This is how I felt when Old Yeller was shot. [nb]Horny.[/nb]

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

As if Hibbert's gone :(

Last of the Merlin Premiership sticker album crew

[Captain Z]

The Happy One has let himself go.

[chand]

Man's a dickhead but I can't lie, seeing him stating that Rooney won't be fucking around in midfield under him has given me a serious woody.

"You can tell me his pass is amazing but my pass is amazing too without pressure."

Extremely refreshing after years of supposed Proper Football Men thinking Rooney's the next Paul Scholes, as if all Scholes ever did was float diagonals out to the wing.

[imitationleather]

Really hope Manchester United get relegated this season.

Get Rashford transferred to a proper club asap.

[phes]

in 2016/17:

ronalado score first

[Beagle 2]

Is there really no 16/17 thread yet? I'm not starting it. I'm too sexy.

[doppelkorn]

How did we go all season without a limp "Football 2015/16 #2" thread this year?

[Eis Nein]

Man's a dickhead but I can't lie, seeing him stating that Rooney won't be fucking around in midfield under him has given me a serious woody.

Spare a thought for Patty Hearst here. Mourinho turned Ranieri's swashbucklers into a shower of shite scraping draws against Lokomotiv Plovdiv in 2 years. And that was before he busted his flush. It'll take weeks to hobble Chewy Louis' Tortuga. You'll be screaming for Moyes' return by October.

That said, title's nailed on. Mikhitaryan's a natural defensive winger.

[chand]

I must've blocked the fabled Chelsea draw with Lokomotiv Plovdiv out of my mind. Didn't Mourinho's band of boring 2005/06 plodders (72 league goals) put four past Rafa Benitez's Great Entertainers (57 league goals) that season?

But y'know buddy, just give us a break, we can't all play the freewheeling fantasy football the likes of Javier Mascherano and Dirk Kuyt excelled at.

[Eis Nein]

Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 6-4-0 at home to West Brom.

[chand]

Really don't think your threats of dour football carry much weight after the season we just had.

[doppelkorn]

If you keep calling him Chewy Louie it might get funny, after a couple of years, I suppose.

Bring on the new thread!

[Eis Nein]

This, all of this, is to entertain and annoy myself and others respectively. What does what you, a vegan crunk night mastermind, find funny have to do with those things?

It was a long range set up for Spodo Mourinho. They will all be saying it.