Real To Me

[Johnny Yesno]

Why do I do it? Watch Top Of The Pops, I mean. Perhaps it's because I think that a society's pop music is a window on what that society is like. And if you can control pop you can influence peoples' thinking. And that's why I get riled so often by what's on the show.

The latest offender, for me, is that Real To Me single by recently reinvented, stubble-chinned, ex-boy band member Brian McFadden. The lyrics, from here:

Artist: Brian McFadden
Album:
Song: Real To Me

Lyrics:

** (Clean / Radio version is in brackets) **


Bullshit ((Showbiz)) dinners and the free champagne,
men in suits who think they know it all,
no-one knows me but they know my name
that's not real to me,
Hotel lobby to the aeroplane,
another country but they start to look the same
watch the world behind a window pane
that's not real to me,

when i see my babies run,
when all the madness has been and gone,
I'll raise my family and live in peace
now that's what's real to me
real to me

Dying flowers in a dressing room
a dangerous time to let your head make up it's own mind
got me thinking that the spirits flown
that's not real to me,

when i see my babies run,
when all the madness has been and gone,
I'll raise my family and live in peace
now that's what's real to me

Picnics in the garden
and the children they can play
the first day of the summer
and i laze here all the day
then we'll invite the family round
and drink some english tea
then i raise up my finger
and watch football on tv

yeah..ohh..

now that's what's real to me

when i see my babies run,
when all the madness has been and gone,
I'll raise my family and live in peace
now that's what's real to me
that's what's real to me
real to me

wake up you might be dreaming
wake up you might be dreaming, now

What irks me is that we're now supposed to believe that Brian the rocker is the real Brian and that this is real emotion and, take it from him, he knows how life is. Even though we know that behind the scenes there's an army of professionals taking charge of every detail of the manufacture of Brian's product.

In fact, that reminds me of another real emotion claimant - Macy Gray. "On How Life Is". How pompous do you have to be to release an album with a name like that? Not "On How My Life Is" but "On How Life Is".

They're not the only examples. There seems to be a tendency for artists these days to implicitly claim they know real emotion and they're going to tell you about it so you can experience it too. That's one thing that made me originally warm to Morrissey - the lyric "And if the day came when I felt an actual emotion I'd get such a shock I'd probably jump in the ocean".

Artists I greatly admire seem to have the ability to undermine the idea of real. Most recently, Plus-tech Squeeze Box and their album of "imitation music" Cartooom!; further back, Coil and their landmark albums Love's Secret Domain and Stolen and Contaminated Songs; and further back still, Captain Beefheart and his incredibly bizzarre but self-aware blues talking about leaving his woman for a mermaid and stuff. All music that leaves me simultaneously moved but wondering why I'm sitting listening to patterns of sound coming out of two boxes in front of me. What is the point of that?

That's what's real to me. Am I making any sense?

A bit of a tangent but, one Dr. Who episode that made a huge impression on me as a child was the  one where someone was going back in time and getting Leonardo Da Vinci to paint more Mona Lisas for sale in the present. I only really remember the Doctor scrawling "This is a fake" on the back of them. But they were real, y'see?

[Mr Colossal]

I don't watch top of the pops anymore, but this type of wank is everywhere...

I think hes going for the sympathy vote after splitting up from Kerry McBig Tits, lines such as 'when i see my babies run' reenforce this. But every 12 your old knows you've got  to go through a highly publicised battle with drink or drugs before anybody takes you seriously.

Most of its fantasy anyway...Other pap i've whitnessed is Duncan from Blues cheesey 50's esque song , whcih reminds me of Rick Astley, also i hate Usher and his stupid nose whipping his top off at every given opportunity with his 'confessions' .

' Oh im so thenthitive, look im telling you im having a baby with another women, i hope you rethpect that'

Its very similar to R 'fiddy kiddler' Kelly's Ignition as well.

The majority of it is all fantasy, they have vocal coaches, song writers, dance teachers and make up artists. Fuck, any of us here could be a popular music start with the correct backing?

 Which reminds me, who were those aging rockers who released a song into the charts under a younger boy band guise quite recently to show how shallow the industry was? Kind of Milli Vanilli for the year 2000.

[non capisco]

The Alarm, I think. Never heard the song though.

[Pilf]

I keep hearing that bloody McFadden song everywhere and everytime I hear him whining I think - "If you hate the music industry that much, and what's 'real' to you is your family, then piss off out the limelight and take care of them. Don't write a song about it, that you will then have to promote and do everything you're whining about. Prick".

Or sometimes I just turn it off.

[Garfield And Friends]

Tish and pish. McFadden is a lyrical gen-eee-ous.

[Ciarán2]

I'm a bit bemused by your irritation at this.

Now, if only Bryan McFadden had payed more attention to Coil....

What!?

[chand]

I keep hearing that bloody McFadden song everywhere and everytime I hear him whining I think - "If you hate the music industry that much, and what's 'real' to you is your family, then piss off out the limelight and take care of them. Don't write a song about it, that you will then have to promote and do everything you're whining about. Prick".

That was pretty much mt view of it. I mean, surely the guy has enough money now not to force himself to go through the music industry 'bullshit' any more. How about you take 5 years off and 'raise [your] family and live in peace', as you claim your desire is, Brian? Eh?

The worst bit of that song is the 'then I raise up my finger and watch football on TV' bit, it seems like it's been inserted by a record exec saying 'Now come on Bri, sing this, it says that even though you're a family man you still like FOOTBALL! And SWEARING! And probably BEER! And men will be able to buy your records without shame!'

[BetaKarraTene]

In fact, that reminds me of another real emotion claimant - Macy Gray. "On How Life Is". How pompous do you have to be to release an album with a name like that?

I always read that she was saying how life is for her. The songs on the album all have personal titles/themes (as well as the songs themselves), so I don't think you can read too much from the album name.

[Goldentony]

"then we'll invite the family round
and drink some english tea
then i raise up my finger
and watch football on tv"

that has to be the worst thing ever written ever.

[chand]

It's even worse sung than written.

[falafel]

In fact, that reminds me of another real emotion claimant - Macy Gray. "On How Life Is". How pompous do you have to be to release an album with a name like that? Not "On How My Life Is" but "On How Life Is".

Naah.  The thing is, It's called "Macy Gray On How Life Is", not just "How Life Is". It's clearly designed to say that it's her take on things in general. Your semantics are all wrong. She's not claiming a monopoloy on human existence, for fuck's sake.

I quite like Macy Gray, by the way. She's better than Bryan Mcfannyface, anyway.

Are you talking about authenticity being an impossible ideal, a construct of the human mind? Nothing is really real, and all that?

Well, it's all well and good if you like to sit there and deconstruct reality when  you're listening to your music, but I sometimes like to sit down and have a little listen to Bjork as well. Engage in some fantasy. Dive into the illusion. Because, really, it's the only thing there is.

Ahem.

[chand]

Well, McFadden seems to be of the Kelly Jones mindset that only pedestrian, meat-and-potatoes guitar music is 'real'. Westlife wasn't real, but now he's got a parka and a beard and an acoustic guitar he can be like, really 4 REAL.

[Johnny Yesno]

It's called "Macy Gray On How Life Is", not just "How Life Is". It's clearly designed to say that it's her take on things in general. Your semantics are all wrong. She's not claiming a monopoloy on human existence, for fuck's sake.

Well, why couldn't she call it "Macy Gray On How Life Is IHHO", eh? ;-)

Are you talking about authenticity being an impossible ideal, a construct of the human mind? Nothing is really real, and all that?

Well, it's all well and good if you like to sit there and deconstruct reality when  you're listening to your music, but I sometimes like to sit down and have a little listen to Bjork as well. Engage in some fantasy. Dive into the illusion. Because, really, it's the only thing there is.

I think authenticity is a pointless pursuit in which many artists are engaged to the detriment of actual creativity. The street they come from is more streety than anyone else's street. Their emotions are more emotiony. I agree with your assertion about diving into the illusion - the thing about Björk is that she's up front about selling you a fantasy. She doesn't pretend to know how your life is, so her efforts are more real to me than these desperate bids for authenticity.

[rjd2]

il give somebody a big box of cornflakes if they were to kidnap brian and kerry and send them to sudan as food.

[Johnny Yesno]

I'm a bit bemused by your irritation at this.

Now, if only Bryan McFadden had payed more attention to Coil....

What!?

Hmm! Coil possibly weren't the best example I could have picked seeing as they've found other ways to be pretentious. However, those two albums are good examples what I'd call "artificial" music.

On Stolen and Contaminated Songs the second track is an orchestral piece that halfway through starts running backwards, but the piece is composed in such a way that it still makes musical sense. When I first heard it I thought I was listening to a recording of an orchestra but soon realised I was listening to a recording of a recording of an orchestra. This, coupled with the fact that it is beautifully recorded, gave me a funny feeling that anything could happen on the album.

I guess while many artists are striving for a sound that reflects their live performances, I prefer recordings where it sounds as if during the performance the artist was drunk. In The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy sense.

Or something. Er... shit... of fuck, like.