Matter of Fact DANNY DYER AND NICK LOVE

[DangledTeeth]

Audio commentary for Mean Machine

Nick: Alrigh' Danny Boy?

Danny: Yes Nick, mar sahn. Pleasure ta 'ave you 'ere.

Nick: I didn't doirect this fuckin' film, but, y'knah, thought I'd pop in for a chatttt.

Danny: Saucy, mate. Real sawcy.  This film, raight, was fackin'... one-a the bestest prodacktions ar've evah dan.

Nick: Aah d'yer mean, like, mate?

Danny: Well, you 'ad Vinnie - fackin' Vincent, my ol' paahl. Bless ya, son - Jones, and er, fuckin', and er, Vas Blackwood. They seek 'im 'ere, they seek 'im there... those coppers seek 'im everywhere. 'is 'e in 'eaven or is 'e in 'ell? Nah, he was a midfielder on the grass you cunt!

Nick: Can't forget Jayse, can yer. Fuckin' can't forget Statham.

Danny: Oh yer, the shittin' fackin' Transpor'aah; 'e was kicking the ball abaht, wonnee. I 'ad a great time wiv 'em. Really solid dialogue.
Dyer log, nah-wha'-I-moin.

Nick: I do, mate. It was a right fuckin' good film, real mind-bending stuff.

Danny: Oh yeah,  I'll tell ya what was fackin' moind bending, raight. Fuckin'. This newspaper PONCE, yeah, 'e erm, did this lih-ol
review of Mean Machine in sahm raahg. Think it was the Telegwaph or sammink, yeah. I've got a snippet 'ere, 'ang orn... 'Jones fits the role perfectly, as can be expected of a bad-tempered, former professional footballer. Danny, however, exacerbates the mediocrity of the plot by sporadically demonstrating his limp acting'

Nick: Fuckin' 'ell, mate. Spiteful bi' ov wri'ing, eh.

Danny: I knar. Ha ha, fack me! Limp acting?! Is he havin' a Barney or cunt? Fuck! If he tried to act with Vinnie arahnd he'd be doin' some limp acting, let me tell ya.

Nick: What?! Why are you 'aving a pop at Jones for, son?

Danny: Nah, nah, I fuckin' meant the broadcunt paper twat would be limping after Vinnie shows him a good tackle.

Nick: Eh? You sayin' Jones is a bit of a fairy? Likes a bit of deaf and dumb?

Danny: No. I mea-

Nick: Ahnly jokin', Danny.

Danny: Fackin' sawcy cant, you are. Ha ha.

Nick: I mean, this film is utterly misunderstood, mate. It's an esoteric film...

Danny: Fackin' esoteric!

Nick: It's an 'arrowing satire about the rudiments of football in a fuckin' prison environment. And these newspaper cunts just don't knar a classic when it first comes out.

Danny: Cuntin' classic!

Nick: It's like, erm, The Magic Rahndabaht, yeah... at first, no wankbag knew what the 'ell was goin' on there. Fuckin' speaking caow. 'oo's this Super Mario cunt on a spring, eh? A snail that moves quickly. Leave it aht, Mavis! An' then it was a cult 'it, eh. In time, peo'le are gonna lav you fer this, mate.

Danny: I think they might, Nick. Except for maybe that bloke in the Evening Staahndard.

Nick: Which bloke is that, Dan?

Danny: That posh slag 'oo writes abaht the pain'ings and what 'ave ya. Brian thingycunt.

Nick: Oh, 'im. Wos he say?

Danny: Erm (sound of ruffled paper) where is it? It's a quick mention an' that. Yep, I've got it nah:
'The Sensation Exhibition was an impudent travesty for its viewers, more so than the dilapidated pulverulence of a statue of Antinous. Which brings to mind a viewing of the egregious piece of cinema starring Daniel Dyer - an appalling, tasteless film about a group of incarcerated fopdoodles putting their lower appendages at risk of injury as they partake in a round of football. But at least in my contumelious estimation it wasn't as lamentable as a selection of photographs depicting Tracey Emin's flange.'

Nick: What a load of wank, mate.

Danny: Yeah. Where'd do they get these review arseholes from?

Nick: I ain't got a piss and pooh, mate.

Danny: Cants!

Nick: Farewell, listeners.

[DangledTeeth]

Audio Commentary for Bambi

Nick: We're back 'ere again, Dan.

Danny: Fackin' back 'ere, bravva!

Nick: Let's discuss Bambi, mate.

Danny: Aorrr - Bambi. I ffffuckin' loved that when I was a slipper. Still do, mind.

Nick: Fuckin' classic film for soppy cunts, eh.

Danny: Yeah, bat it's one of them things that stays with yer, d'ya-knar-wot-I-moin. Fuckin'. Animals an' all that game, it's perfect
when you're growin' ahp.

Nick: Yerrrr, I can remember watching it before DOY VEE DOYZ existed, on the old video tape. They were such fuckin' cuntssss
to rewoind when it finished, weren't they?

Danny: SAWCY CANTS!

Nick: I remember all that snow

Danny: It's called a sta'ic line.

Nick: Oh naoh. Na-no-no-no, Danboy. Nort on your Nelly. I'm not still on about the rewindin', I meant the scene an' all that BALLERKS.

Danny: Of cawse, yeah. Snow cant. All them animals... what was the rabbit's name?

Nick: Big foot, weren't it?

Danny: Oh yer, producin' all that noise wiv 'is large chimney and soot.

Nick: That's the wanker. Then poor Bambi's Mum got shot, didn't she. Tragic, eh?

Danny: Yeah. Fackin' 'unter cant!

Nick: And that concludes this recording session.

[Glebe]

D'YER MAK'ER: I closing the Queen Vic... for an hour, yoo slaaaaaag!!

NICKY LOVER: Who am I again?

[DangledTeeth]

NICKY LOVER: Who am I again?

I should have included this bit of context to commence the thread:

http://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,48866.0.html

[DangledTeeth]

Alien 3 Commentary

Nick: I didn't direct this film.

Danny: Yeah, it was fuckin', erm, David Cameron. A very good film. Very bollocky!

Nick: Nah, that was the second film that was directed by 'im. I quite loiked the second one. 'Game over, cunt!' or summink.

Danny: Yeah. 'Get away from 'er, you mappit.' Classic fackin' quotes, d'ya-kna-wot-I-moin.

Nick: Sahm peo'le didn't like this one.

Danny: Na, I knah. I dan't understand it, mate. It's an unsettling film. Yeah, it may be quite industrial and bleak an' all that ballerks. But it manages to bring back that element from Alien.

Nick: D'ya mean that robot thing?

Danny: Eh? Oh, nah, but there is that an' all. I was thinkin' about the threat of jast one alien again, but this time arahnd ol', er, Ripley is stuck in a prison colony filled with dangerous inmates, some of them are rapist cants.

Nick: Oh yerrrr, adds more to the threat, dunnit.

Danny: I tell ya wot, son, it fackin' does. I mean, those who dislike this film cry about it bein' unlike Aliens, 'cause they fuckin' wan' another action sequel.

Nick: But if it was more 'bang bang', sprintin' all over the fuckin' shop, shooting those spider cunts up, all the film cri'ics will complain about it being unimagina'ive and the same old shit over and over with 'ardly any variation.

Danny: Yeah. Critic cants, d'ya-knah-wot-I-moin

Nick: 'ow does that alien twat get abaht? It's got an eloga'ed jelly bean for an 'ead and doesn't have any eyes.

Danny: And it's got a chompin' cock in it's north and south.

Nick: It 'as. Ha ha.

Danny: Alien bell-end!

Nick: We have enjoyed expatiating this overlooked classic. Thank you for listening.