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star wars the force awakens

Started by madhair60, July 27, 2015, 10:56:44 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

madhair60

star wars the force awakens directed by j.j. abrahams

opening caption: a long time ago in a galaxy far far away

audience: wow!  that's the same as the others, i love that, when things are the same

STAR WARS LOGO, STAR WARS MUSIC PLAYS

lyrics: staaaar waaaars, it's time for staaaaar waaaars, you're watching staaaar waaaars, cos you're a nerrrrd

text crawl begins -

A SERIES OF DISAPPOINTING PREQUELS TO, LET'S FACE IT, CHILDREN'S FILMS, SOMEHOW FAIL TO SULLY THE STAR WARS FRANCHISE IN THE EYES OF ITS DEEPLY UNDISCERNING FANBASE.  CONSEQUENTLY, THE WALT DISNEY COMPANY PURCHASE THE RIGHTS TO STAR WARS AND ENDEAVOUR TO "ANNUALISE" THE SERIES TO ACCRUE THE MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF PROFIT, LARGELY CAPITALISING ON LONG-DESIRED FANWANK LIKE A HAN SOLO MOVIE AND A BOBA FETT MOVIE - I MEAN, BOBA FETT, WHO DOESN'T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING EVER.  THEY'RE SERIOUSLY MAKING A MOVIE OF HIM.

ANYWAY, MOSES OUT OF "ATTACK THE BLOCK" IS A STORMTROOPER NOW, AND THIS HAS GOT HARRISON FORD EMBARRASSING HIMSELF IN IT, SO CHOW THE FUCK DOWN ON SOME OF THAT FUCKING STAR WARS, CUNTS.

SOMETHING ABOUT THE EMPIRE AND THE REBELS.  OOH HE'S GOT A CLAYMORE LIGHTSABRE!  I HOPE YODA'S IN IT, HE'S QUITE FUNNY

ext. tatooine or something, a desert

long pan across to reveal crashed Star Destroyer.  this is instantly the most evocative and visually interesting shot that has ever been in a star wars movie.

george lucas: i was a fucking appalling director.

suddenly, a lens flare shimmers from the reflective surface of the downed aircraft.  the lens flare never subsides throughout the duration of the film, but it occasionally shifts its screen position.  suddenly, a shit rolling version of R2-D2 comes careening across the screen.

shit rolling robot: bleepy bleep a bloop bloop bloop

audience of grown men: how endearing

a stormtrooper with the sweating head of a black man appears and panics

stormtrooper: i've presumably betrayed my ranks or i've discovered that i want to be on the light side or something, i don't know yet, this is almost all speculation based on the trailers

female character: hullo, i can see that you have the light side in you and i think you should join our quest to kill darth fuckface or whoever is the villain in this one.  darth nasty.  darth wrongun.  whatever.

stormtrooper (moses): yeah ok

they go to the rebel base or, i don't know.  whereever.

old as fuck princess leia: ever since i saw aldebaran get blaw up i decided i would fight for the light side because when that happened i made some pretty rash decisions like fucking my own brother IN A SPACE STATION LIFT

moses: i am well inspired by this old ass bitch blud i am going to fuckin deck the empire innit

luke skywalker: hello, i am luke skywalker the hero of the original trilogy, the films you love so much, the films that defined your childhood

(close in on his tremulous face)

luke (cont.): look at me now, do you not see yourself?  just this and the joker in cartoons.  that's it.  that's my whole life.  a space cunt and a clown.

kevin smith: don't forget you were also cockknocker and whatnot in my movie jay and silent bob strike back and whatnot.  and whatnot.

jason mewes who is inexplicably here: snoogans to the noogans!  buy mattresses with coupon code "SMODCAST", snoochie bootchie nootchies!  i'm nearly fifty for christ's sake.

han solo walks on with chewbacca

han: chewie... we're home

chewie: arrglglgglglglgglgl

me: fucking cringe of the year, my head is INSIDE my tum now

a series of uninteresting space battles occur using sound effects from the 70s that trigger a pavlovian response in manchildren, causing them to believe that what they are watching is actually good.  moses faces down darth cunto.

moses: oi bruv i is gonna fuck you up

darth cunto: no moses, i AM your mother

moses: i didn't mention my mother

darth cunto: i just, we have to hit all the notes but there was a slight subversion there as it was your mother instead of your father.

harry knowles: (SOUND OF DROWNING IN OWN CUM)

TO BE CONTINUED IN STAR WARS EPISODE VIII: PLEASE PAY TO SEE THIS MOVIE

mickey mouse: HAHAHA C'MON PLUTO

Glebe

INT.MILLENIUM FALCON.DAY.

LEIA: Can this heapa junk still fly?

HAN: Nice, sister!

LEIA: Watch it buster!

HAN: Cool it, baby!

LEIA: Jeez Louis, man!

Chewbacca: AAAAAAAHHHHGGGHH!!

KYLO REN OR WHATEVER: The dark side is back.

NIEN NUNB: Yubyubyub!!

DangledTeeth

Stars Wars Unreleased Concept Short

Boba Fett: Richard Kimble...

Han Solo: Yes?

Boba Fett: You are wanted for the murder of your wife

Han Solo: My nehm iz Detective Jarn Kimble.

Boba Fett: Uh?!

Han Solo: I'M A CAHP, YOU EDEEYURT!

Boba: Apologies for the mistake.

Han Solo jumps off a dam

Music: Onomatopoeia

greenman

Boba Fett Jnr: Corrrr struth you carked me papy

Han Solo: excuse me?

Boba Fett Jnr: Blind slog decked him into Sarlacc chunder you did.

Han Solo *Shoots Boba Fett Jnr in the face without warning*

Garam

That was great, better than any of the films. More of this, please.

madhair60

Quote from: Garam on July 31, 2015, 03:59:38 PM
That was great, better than any of the films. More of this, please.

what should i do next though

Garam

I nominate Back to the Future, razz on that


Then maybe Edgar Wright movies, you could razz on those

madhair60

yessss i could do scott pilgrim hahaha

madhair60

next thread: scott pilgrim vs the world

greenman

Rejected evil ex's....

Capa Chino - A barista who can roll his eyes and flip his hair back with such speed it creates a shockwave

The Blister Sisters - A pair of lesbian conjoined twins who play one double necked bass