Matter of Fact Fawlty Towers

[DangledTeeth]

Pilot Episode

Theme music: HHHMA-HMA-HUM-ZUM-ZUUUUM

Int. Fawlty Towers

Guest: Oh good afternoon. I'd like to book a room, please, for the weekend.

Basil (False politeness): Yes, certainly. Room 14 is available. That'll be £30 please. I would be an unashamed, grovelling servant right this moment, but I prefer to converse with refined people of the upper class.

Guest: Is that so? Well, allow me to introduce myself: I am His Royal OBE Lord Melton Mowbray Pork Pies.

Basil is of course astonished by this revelation, he contains his excitement by appearing as stoic as he possibly can

Basil: Ah, welcome to Fawlty Towers, Lord Pork Pies. I am Basil Fawlty, manager and proprietor of this splendid resort (Throws room 14 key behind him) Fuck that for a chuckle; you can have my room.

His Royal OBE Lord Melton Mowbray Pork Pies: Rehleh? Are you sure? That's incredibly kind of you, Mr Fawlty.

Basil: Anything for a peer of the realm, fair sir. Hah-hah-hah. (Firmly points a finger) Bollock massage and quall soup, 8pm?

His Royal OBE Lord Melton Mowbray Pork Pies: Oh, yes, yes. I'm very grateful (Pauses as he puts a foot on the first step) But you see, I'm not really nobility at all. I'm a conman who thoroughly enjoys conveying bricks around in my case.

Not His Royal OBE Lord Melton Mowbray Pork Pies Conman scarpers. Basil leaps up and down as he swings his forearms

Basil: ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION FLAP-LICKING GLUTECUNTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

Cockney Copper: Leave 'im Mr Fawl'y, mate. 'e's long gone now.

Basil sighs and makes an amendment in the register. He looks up at the sight of three smartly dressed male hotel inspectors

Basil: Ah, and what can I do for you three unerring lesbians? (Realises who they are) AAAARGH!

German Guest: Vot einen madchenamickeibeashleibefachrenogitztunbridgewellsen

Theme: HHHMA-HMA-HUM-ZUM-ZUUUUM

[mook]

hey women, spunk in gob no in vent, that why u fat as you am

[mook]

& all the grub

[Glebe]

BERNARD CRIBBENS: Look I just asked for a cheese salad!

FAWLTY: He's from Barcelona, don't mention the war, Sybbbbbiiiiiilllll!!

[DangledTeeth]

Bernard Crabbies: I'm not a violent man, Mr Fawlty.

Basil: I concur. You haven't beaten me up.

Bernard Crabbies: Nor have you shoved two paper plates covered in cream (or whatever it is) in my face and penile area, and I haven't 
had a jug of milk poured into my briefcase.

Basil: Yes... not that we should have expected these things to occur, mind.

Manuel: QUE?

[Bhazor]

Int Fawlty Towers restaurant, a smattering of diners, Basil is presiding at the door. Throughout the scene Polly and Manuel are seen serving. As scene opens Gary wearing a flat cap and his wife Maria enter and take a seat. Basil glares at the couple and approaches

Basil: Good morning, sir.

Gary: Oh er goo-

Basil: Well I wouldn't say good. It is a touch overcast today isn't it.

Mary: I guess.

Basil: I mean you must be expecting a real downpour at any moment. Or perhaps the opening and closing of the door will lead to gale force winds blowing through my restaurant.

Gary: What are you-?

Basil: Well we wouldn't want any inclement weather in here now would we. Let me just-

Gary: Please really theres no need

Basil: No sir I insist.

Basil spins on his heel and marches out into foyer. A beat later he comes back in with a large umbrella under his arm. He opens it theatrically almost poking Mary's eye out and jams it into the vase in the middle of table

Basil: There. Not a single rivulet of moisture can touch you now. Would you like me to get you a gortek thermal jacket just to be on the safe side? Or will you be taking your hat off?

Gary nods, Basil removes umbrella and slap/grabs the hat from his head

Basil: Now that is better. The place looks marginally less like an Arthur Scargil rally now.

With shocking suddeness both the foyer door and kitchen door are kicked open. A dozen armed Swat officers storm in, pushing guests flat to their tables. Manuel is spread eagled on the floor. Polly attempts to assist him but is knocked to the floor with the butt of a Ruger Mini-14 rifle. Sybil enters and is immediately maced. After a moment of calm. A diminutive man (George) enters wearing an expensive but ill fitting suit, leather gloves thick rimmed spectacles and a too long beige trench coat.

George: Now Manuel Jose-Feliciano, will you co-operate.

A swat officer pulls Manuel's head up, there is blood coming from his nose and side of his mouth

Manuel: Que....?

George: Now Manuel Jose-Feliciano, will you co-operate.

Manuel: Que...? One of the Swat officers moves his arm Arggh!

George: Now Manuel Jose-Feliciano, will you co-operate.

Manuel: In flawless english It was a long time coming. The fall of Franco. Ha, that was one for the history books wasn't it George? ... well I guess not. We were a great team though.

George: Well things change. You changed. We all have.

Manuel: Not all things Manuel rolls over revealing a Mac 11. I never lose track of a rat.

One of the SWAT officers tackles George behind a table. Manuel shoots Sybil through the throat. A firefight ensues. The colonel and the old girls are all shot, a still prone Polly wakes as the blood splashes across her face. Finally Manuel takes his own life. The police leave carrying the wounded. A smoke grenade dropped by an injured officer ignites the curtains which burst into flame. Basil who has stood paralysed throughout the encounter wipes his wife's blood from his forehead with the flatcap. Realising he is still holding the flatcap in his hand throws it to the ground. He then jumps up and down on it for a full three minutes in a comical way

Ext Hotel Sign, flames visible. A dozen amoured vehicles are parked.

End Caption : Gary later died from a brain hemorrhage. An official police investigation found no evidence the injury was a result of police action.

[DangledTeeth]

Int. Fawlty Towers Reception Hall

Sybil: That bloke with the open shirt and leather trousers is quite a good-looking character.

Polly: Who's that?

Sybil: Mr Johnson.

Polly and Sybil gaze as they prop their elbows on the reception counter and rest their chins on each palm

Manuel: Jou want to see heem in EastEnders. He look like Jack Wade from James Bonds!

Basil suspects Mr Johnson is fuckin' some bit of skirt in a room, so he gets a ladder (Basil, not Mr Johnson) and props it up, outside,
against the window ledge

Sybil: What are you doing, Basil?

Basil: Johnson has got a girl in there. (Peers through the window) Look! He has. He's going at it with her.

Sybil: What bollocks! Let me have a look (Basil hops off the ladder and Sybil ascends) Fuck me, he's fucking she!

Basil: I told you, Sybil.

Sybil: They're out of this hotel this instance.

Basil: Quite right, dear. Copulating bastards.

Sybil: That doesn't explain why you hid in a cupboard then groped that young Australian woman, Basil.

Basil: Well, dear, considering we've been in a loveless marriage for about 15 years, I deemed it reasonable to have a sneaky feel.

Sybil: But why her, Basil?

Basil: She has great tits, dear.

Theme music: HMA-HMA-HUM-ZUM-ZUM

[DangledTeeth]

Int... Fawlty Towers

Basil: Ah, hello there, Major.

Major Gowen: Afternoon, Fawteeh

Basil: Sorry about forgetting your newspaper this morning.

Major: Oh-boh-boh, that's quite alright.

Basil: Here it is.

Major: What, old boy?

Basil: Your newspaper.

Major: Oh yes, of course. You've found it.

Basil: Hmm?

Major: You've found my newspaper.

Basil: No, I forgot to give it to you this morning.

Major: Forgot to give me the newspaper?

Basil: Yes.

Major: Oh... why?

Basil: Because I was helping Terry in the kitchen, at breakfast.

Major: You were frying my newspaper?

Basil: Ugh, no (under breath) but I could try!

Major: Ohhh noooo, I like my full-English breakfasts, thank you. None of those sausage and Union Strike headlines in my beans.

Basil: I suppose not, Major.

Major: Thank you, Fawlty.

Basil: That's quite alright. Enjoy your paper.

Major: Paper?! Oh, that's news to me.

Basil: That's the whole fuckin' point, Major.

Manuel: QUE?

Sybil: BAHZOHL! BAHZOHL!