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MATTER OF FACT GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF

Started by Quincey, August 06, 2015, 03:17:47 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Quincey

TENT:

MEL (leaning over contestant): Alex, how are you feeling?

ALEX: Not too bad, but I do only have an hour to slice this bap...

SUE: Ooh, baps!

ALEX: Can I just...

PAUL AND MARY WANDER UP

PAUL: Are you using 300ml of castor treacle?

ALEX: Yes, I am Paul, is that wrong

PAUL: Hmm...interesting choice, Alex.

PAUL AND MARY WALK AWAY

ALEX: Is it wrong Paul! Tell me!

MEL: Oh Alex, shall we have a look at your castor treacle and offer some useless advice?

ALEX: I've only got fifty minutes now!

SUE: It's just a cake Alex, just a cake (She hugs Alex)

MEL: Alex, do you reckon you'll have time to slice the bap and make you cake?

ALEX: If you two go away!

DangledTeeth

Mel: I have no idea who I am.

Alex: Dunno if we're blokes.

Sue: My name's Sue. It's not a unisex name.

Paul: And my surname's Myecocke

Mel: Good point. Let's eat these baked delicacies and judge them for texture and sweetness.

Alex: Don't eat anything under that gazebo over there. Gave me half an hours' worth of wind, mate.

Mel indicates a nearby table of Victoria sponges

Mel: Is this the offending food?

Alex: No.

Mel gestures to the adjoining table

Mel: So it's all this lot that's the questionable, guff-churning food?

Alex nods

Alex: That shit is, Mel. That shit is.

Glebe

EXT.TENT.DAY.

SUE: Welcome to the Great British Bake Off! Marm marm!

MEL: Ooh what a lovely day look at this lot, heh!

SUE: Marm marm!

IAN BOTHAM: S'what are we waiting for! Let's bake!

MARY: Tops and fingers, you first!

MEL: Cheeky!

SUE: Marm marm!

INT.TENT.DAY.

MEL: So Ken Dodd, what have you baked?

BOTHAM: Yes, givvus a look at y'bake!

KEN: What a fabulous day, what a tittifabulous day to bake a fruit flan!

MARY: Mmmm... the crust is a little soft for my liking, but what a fabulous cream!

BOTHAN: Not impressed at all, mate. Not impressed at all.

SUE: Marm marm!

Quincey

Aerial shot of Sue and Mel standing in a field

SUE: Hello!

MEL: Hello!

SUE: In order to pad out the programme, we're going to include a bit on the history of jam sponge.

MEL: But before we do that, it's time to see who made the best Traybake.

PAUL and MARY walk up:

PAUL: Ooh, Mary, tell us what makes a good traybake.

MARY: Well, you need to put your biscuits on a tray and bake them in the oven. However, while you do this, Mel and Sue walk around talking crap and you need to remember to take your biscuits out in them. Charred biscuit don't impressed the Berry, Hollywood. It's alright for your hoi polloi, but this is a classy eatery.

SUE: I think it's time to look at who invented the jam sponge...

MARY: I could be cooking for Royalty, you know.

SUE: The jam sponge.


checkoutgirl

Person A - "These assorted cakes and desserts type treats are absolutely delicious"

Person B - "I agree, they are delicious, particularly that one.......over there"

Person C - "If anything these things are too delicious"

Person D - "Yeah I know"

Person E - "That one is delicious too"

Person F - "I know"

Person G - "Join us next week for yet more deliciousness, goodbye"

Person D - "Yeah I know"

checkoutgirl

In case you are wondering, no, I have not seen this show before.

Glebe

Quote from: checkoutgirl on August 10, 2015, 12:02:51 PMIn case you are wondering, no, I have not seen this show before.

You're missing out on a treat!

DangledTeeth

Sue: And what's that you have?

Contestant: Sausage, bean and cheese melt from Greggs. It's not my entry, it's my lu-

Sue: Judge's decision

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Mary Berry: Everything seems to be in order.

Lady of Lorien: That it is,  Frodo of The Shire, that it is.

madhair60

man:i done a cake

woman: thats a good cake

man: thank you

Quincey

MEL: Hello! How's it going, Alex

ALEX: I don't know what to do, I've managed to dip my sleeve in the mixing bowl

SUE: Half an hour to go, Alex. How do you think your pals in the RAF would feel now about the flight leader making a cake.

ALEX: No-one gets off the ground without tasting my icing, Sue.

MARY and PAUL come over

PAUL: You've dipped your sleeve in the mixing bowl. An interesting choice. Do you think that will add to the flavour?

MARY: It's so important, when dipping your sleeve in the mixing bowl, to make sure you're wearing a top that will make it taste nice. I recommend sprinkling flour on your sleeve beforehand. Make sure you tell people that's its not cocaine.

SUE: Now, let's look at how Pangbourne became the centre of the Genoa cake.

Glebe

SUE: Marm marm, into the tent, everybody!

BERRY: Oh good, I do so love a crust on my bake!

BOTHAM: I'm a bit of a hunk, me! Lemon curd, mind y'bake!

SUE: Marm marm!

Quincey

SUE: Bakers! Today's baking challenge is to bake a EU Meringue.

MEL: Bakers! The EU Meringue should be made mainly of French and German Meringue, with a hint of burnt British Meringue and some grease about to escape from the side.

SUE: Ho ho! Satire bakers!

MEL: We don't want you to make an EU Meringue!

SUE: We want to bake four and twenty blackbirds in a pie!

MEL: Each of the blackbirds must be fit for a king!

SUE: On

MEL: Your

SUE: Marks

MEL: Get Set

SUE: Bake!

MEL: No history segment this week.

SUE: I know Melanaise. Hug time.

madhair60

man: those are a fine pair of buns

woman: saucy

man: ha ha no ha ha i meant the choux ha ha buns ha ha ha

woman: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Quincey

Mel: Bakers! Five minuites remaining! Fivvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeee miiiiiiiiiiiinnuiiiiiiiiiitttttttteesss! Or as they say in Finnish, viisi minuuttia

Sue: Bakers! Time is up, step away from your bakes. Or, as they say in Denmark, aika on ohi , askel pois leipoo.

Paul: Your jam sponge tastes very dry. How long did you stick your jam sponge in the oven for.

Contestant: Half an hour. Or, as they say in...

Mel: No, no, contestant, you don't get to do that.

Sue: We do that.

Paul: Very dry.

MoonDust

Mary: TELL ME about your lemon drizzle cake.

Contestant: Well I'm going to go with something a bit untraditional, and put orange, lime and banana in it as well as lemon.

Paul: .....Are you sure that will work?

Paul's face: You fucking WHAT, pal?

Glebe

IAN BOTHAM: There's a real crust to y'bake!

MATT BERRY: Yes, I agree... this is just the sort of pudding we're after!

MEL: Heho, let's be movin' on, then!

SUE: Marm marm!