MoF Dragons' Den

[DangledTeeth]

Dragons sternly and pompously walk along some fancy intro sequence

Evan Davis: Hello. And welcome to Dragons' Den. I look like I should have alien antennae protruding from my head, for some inexplicable reason. People are going to present their inventions and such for the Dragons to evaluate, and if they have wowed the Dragons they will be made an offer. Cringeworthy puns may be squashed in somewhere.

Minimal electronic music: pzzz-ba-taa-taa-du-dok etc.

Man: Hello, my name's Peter. I'm here to offer -2% of my company for 8 gabillion Liz sheets. The product I am presenting to you - today - will revolutionise the way we eat, think and consume food. I present to you: FORK

Dunking Banner-ties: Ah'm oot! Ahm' not in this sirriz. Cohm along, Theo.

Toucan Sullivan: I am Theo Paphitis. I'm just a bit paunchy.

Peter Cunt: Hello Peter. I'm Peter. Erm... the trouble with your invention is it already exists.

Peter Inventor: Er (appears flustered) that's where you're wrong, Peter. What you're alluding to is the fork. My product is a FORK - a huge difference, mate.

Debit Meander (With a cynical sneer): What's so unique about this fork?

Peter Inventor: FORK, sir. FOO-UR-ERK.

Peter Cunt: Can I have a look at this FORK closely?

Peter Inventor: Yep. Of course.

Peter Cunt surveys the FORK and stamps on it

Peter Cunt: I'm afraid your beloved FORK has not passed the test, Peter. The engine has revved but there's no driver in the seat. The engine wasn't turned on. The driver fucked off. There's no driver in the seat. The metaphor ends because the driver wasn't sitting in the seat while the engine wasn't turned on - he fucked off! I dreadfully regret to inform you that your pitiful contraption did not withstand the astronomical might of Peter Jones' enthralling shoe.

Peter Inventor: Yeahbutyou'renotsu-

Peter Cunt: It did not withstand the astronomical might of Peter Jones' enthralling shoe. And for that reason, I shall refrain from obeying a compulsion to part with an inordinate amount of cash for a percentage of your conceit and shoddy workmanship, politely uninterested.

Politely Spoken Chap: Yar, I'll have to agree. NOT FUCKED IN THE SLIGHTEST!

I Wouldn't Kick her Out of Bed I'd Shag 'er In It: Insincere apology. I won't be investing. Your sycophancy was insipid. Collect your dignity out of your arse. Twat off!

Debit Meander: What's your turnover? Your net gross profit?

Peter Inventor: Eh? You should know. I'm a small-time individual.

Debit Meander: I'm gonna make you an offer: I'M OOT!

Toothbrush Sullenbuns: For that reason, I won't be investing. Wholeheartedly repulsed beyond Stockport!

Peter Inventor raises his head high and totters off in to the lift, hoping sorrow and dejection doesn't mercilessly mug him for his fleeting pride as he exits

Evan Davis: Well, Peter took the hint to 'FORK off' and he did. Until next time... I'm out!

End Theme

[Glebe]

PAPA LOPADUS: Show us your invention.

JOE BLOGGS: A time machine, it runs on ordinary tap water.

MEAN WOMAN: *STARE*

SCOTS MAN: I'm out.

[Captain Z]

Dragons: Remember the time we time we discovered that revolutionary product that became a hugely successful investment?

Audience: No.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Duncan Ballantynes: That is not a business investment Rodney of the Trotters so am out
Derek Boy: Fuck off then you cunt

[DangledTeeth]

Evan Davis: Here's a helpless yet inventive man who has the daunting task of pitching to the Dragons. Shit pun in my summary in a while.

Man: I have invented a text/computer-based black rectangle. I'm going to call it

Spoiler alert

The Black Rectangle

[close]

. I demand 60% of my own businesses for the equity and twat.

Debris Meeker: Utter cleft chuff, mate! OOMOOT!

Peter Tosser: Won't moot. OOMOOT!

Toupee Sunnycunt: The only issue I have is th- OOMOOT

OOMOOT: Posh bloke.

Sexy: I'm going to invest in 0% of your companys. But I am 100% OOMOOT

Evan Davis: Well, they certainly spoiled his chances.

Spoiler alert

It's a shit pun because it's not even a pun

[close]