MATTER OF FACT BROOKSIDE.

[Glebe]

Opening theme!

SINBAD: I can onee remembeh me bein' in ih... or wait, wasn't der a bleuk called Terry?

TERRY: Yeh, la! And der was a black fella in it, too!

SUE JOHNSTON: And me and Jim was in it, too!

RICKY TOMLINSON: Pass deh remote, Barbara... in Manchester?!

BRIAN MURRAY: Der was also me, the Irish one who goh buried under a flamin' patio. I survived, and now aim bach in Dublin's Fair City!

TERRY: Ah yoo lookin' ah me, la?

GARY: Aim noh lookin' ah you, la! Are yeh startin'?

TERRY: Are yoo startin'?

BARRY: Calm dahwn lads, calm dawhn! Now let's go to deh match!

TERRY (singing): Livah-peool, Livah-peool, Liver-peooool!

GARY: Nah, Evahten, mate!

JOE MCGANN: Calm dahwn, mate!

Closing theme!

[DangledTeeth]

Brookside - THE LOST WEEKEND (Rated PG)

Theme: paaaa-paaarp-daaarp etc.

Int. Corkhill House

Jackie: We donnoh where our LEENZEE has got to.

Barry: Bazza Grant - Maverick Action Hero, has more dan an idea of
wer she's got toOooOoeh.

Jimmy: I can't stay com-poun-ded. Confrounded. Keep it secret. KeeEeeEep it
SeEeeEecrrllet!

Barry: Eh? Ya wha'?

Jimmy: The Moooon...

Jackie: What about the moon?

Jimmy (Manic whisper): it's a balloooooooon.

Barry: Rlrlight, I'm gowen ahfter LEENZEE. Save her from tha' Callum Finnegan.

Jimmy: You shouldn't be taking orders. Maaiines a PEPERLRLONIIIII! NEEDLES! TING-A-LING!

LEENZEE is trapped in a shipment container and Callum attempts to rape her with his cohort

Lindsey: Nooo! Get off, you Scottish bahstad!

Callum jabs her in the face. Cut to Barry hopping off of a set of containers to an insipid rock track

Callum forces himself on LEENZEE and Barry sneaks up

Callum: WEKKY WEEKEEEEY! EGGS AND BEEEKEEEY!

A Furious Barry bats the cohort and shoves his gun up CALLUM'S BUM'OLE

Barry: Eat the gun!

Callum: Farkooooooorf!

Barry: Dowit! DO IT, YEH FHOCKHKING GOBSHITE JOCK CUNT!

LEENZEE goes mental with a wooden plank and wallops CALLUM

Lindsey: YOU SCOTTISH BAHSTAD! *WHACK WHACK*

Callum: Fucking groan.

Barry: leave him, Linds, he only tried to rape yer. Two wooden knocks to den
face is sofficient!

Lindsey: BOHT I WAN' THE BAAAAHSTAD. FHOKIN SCOTTESH BAAAHSTAD! FHOKHKHKN CUNNNNT!

BAZZA and LEENZEE shag in a hotel. Unexpectedly, a stool is thrust through the wall until a bloke from Hollyoaks appears with a psychotic rictus.

Hollyoaks Bloke: COO-EE! ONLY ME! CAN I BORROW A CUP OF PPPPOWDER?

End theme: PA DA DAAAA WAAA WOH etc.

Me: Fuck typing this on my phone again.

[Glebe]

Opening theme!

SINNED BAD: Alraigh, Tehrry, la? Another luvley day in Br-ook-saihd, eh?

TERRY: Noh bad, fellah!

RINGO: Let's have a party, with PEACE and LOVE! (does peace sign)

TARBY: I'll supply the chip butties!

GEORGE: They loom large in 'is legend.

MACCA: Wooooooo!! Look at me granddad, he's very clean!

MACCA'S GRANDDAD: 'ARRROOOLLLLDD?!

JOHN (singing): Imagine all the scousers... living in Liverpool!

ROONEY: Wehr's Steven Gherrad wen ya need 'im?

GERRARD: Accrington Stanley? 'Ooo are they?

IAN RUSH: EXACTLY!

KEEGAN: Cyalm dahwn, lads!

STAN BOARDMAN: The jurmans bombed me local chip shop!

PAUL O' GRADY: Cheeky gits!

DODDY: What a wonderful day, what a wonderful day, to tickle a Diddy man down a jam buttie mine!

CRAIG CHARLES: Smeggin' 'eck!

JOHN BISHOP: Duz anybody want t'bai a cheap carpat off me?

CILLA: T'ra, chuck!

Closing theme!

[DangledTeeth]

Hello folks,

My name is DJ Premier - hip-hop producer extraordinaire. And welcome to Scripts That Collected Dust. The following thrilling episode of the charming Liverpool-based soap was drafted up some months ago; it was originally going to be posted on Horse Head's Slovenian Grandad with An Emperor Under His Hat's MoF Films and TV thread, but he thought it was shit an' didn't bother posting it. Well here it is in all its glory, soap fans:

Brookside - The Missing Episode, 1992


(End of Part theme) *DAA-NEEH-NIIIIH-NEH-NEH-NEH-NEH-NAH-NEH-NOO-DOOFT-DOOFT-BLIH-NIIIIIIIIIIYIII(carries on for ten minutes)IHHHHH*

Brookside Close

Sinbad approaches Mick Johnson's garage

Mick: Ahlright, Sin?

Sinbad: Ahlright, Mick. Have yer bin takin' steroids, like?

Mick: Yes, mate. And I'm so angry I feel like bench-pressing 5kg.

Sinbad: Five kay gee. That's feh shoft lahds, tha', Mick. A fohckin' daddy longlegs could lift tha' with its knob.

Mick: Are ya sayin' I'm a weak geht?

Sinbad: Nah, mate. I'm sayin' a flying insect belonging to the Tipuloidea family can demonstrehte its weight-lifting prowess better than yous.

Bing Crosby: I say, BBC English and all that testicles, what the copulate is going on here?

Mick: Leave out of it, Bing. Your dialogue is a shameless rip-off of Raffles out of the Viz comic.

Sinbad: Yeah, Bing. Go an' develop your own search engine or sohmfin'. We'll talk with yez later, like.

Bing Crosby: Righty-ho. I'll be fornicated if I know what a search engine iiiiis. As tiiiime goes byyyyyy.

Mick: What 'ave ya got there, Sin?

Sinbad: Eehm, I bought this stereo-radio, right, an' I can't get it to wehk.

Mick: Let's have a fiddle with it, Sin.

Sinbad: What about the stereo-radio?

Mick: I'm alloOoOdin' to the stereo-radio, yeh silly twat.

Sinbad: Oh... good, like.

Mick: Then after I've fixed it I'll give yeh a quick wankhkhk.

Sinbad: Vehry fohnny, Mick.

Mick's face twitches with disappointment due to being serious. Jimmy Corkhill passes

Jimmy: How's it goin', lahds?

Sinbad: Ah, souuuund!

Jimmy: Oh, good.

Sinbad: Ya wha'? No, Jimmy, I meant I can hear sound cohming out of tha stereo-radio, it's wehking again. Mick's just fixed it.

Jimmy: Right. I understand. So, how's things with youuus?

Sinbad: Ah, ya knoeh, souuuund.

Mick: Do you wanna buy some dehrohgs, Jimmy?

Jimmy: No, mate. I'm off that crrrrahp now. But even so, look... (Stares into the near distance, alarmed) IT'S THE BIZZIIEEEESSSS!

THE BIZZIES

Jimmy: AHLRIGHT, AHLRIGHT, BOYS. LEAVE OS ALONE, EH.

Sinbad: THEY'RE APPROACHING OS!

Mick: COHME 'EAD. LET'S PISS OFF TO THAT AREA WITH THA POHB, SHOPS AND PETROL STATION.

Ext. Area with tha pohb, shops and petrol station

Ron Dixon Duh-duh-Dixon: Aye-aye, boys. You're lookin' a bit flustered, lihghkghghhgke.

Sinbad: We were rohnnin' from the BizZzZIiIiiiies, Ron.

Ron Dixon: Why? What did you dick'eads do to invoke their wrath?

Mick: Well nohfin', Ron. They juhst came at os, rappin' to a sampled instrumental of Aretha Franklin's 'Baby, I love You'.

Jimmy: And bits of some brass instrument, don't forget.

Sinbad: Yeah. That too, like.

Ron: I see, lahds. Well they won't bother yous. They've gone now. So... I've been meanin' to ask yez somefing.

Jimmy: Go on, Ron.

Ron: How d'ya pronounce the surname of that family, the one with tha' woman who killed her osband and the neighbours found theh bodeeee wrapped up in bin liner onder the concrhrete tiles in the gaahden? I can't do it.

Mick: Dyoordash. Juh-jordack?

Jimmy: Jordatch.

Sinbad: 'ang about, lahds. I'll give it a whehrl. Jor-dash.

Ron: Sinbad's got it.

Mick: Well dohne, Sin.

Jimmy: Eehm, whadda we do now, like?

Ron: Dohnno.

They look distinctly desperate to think of an activity, then they all spring to life and spout incoherent bollocks and Liverpudlian references in a senseless frenzy

Ron: Eh, eh, cyalm down, cyalm down. Sof' laah. Juhst get an A4 bit of paper and spit on it - that is an ART ATTACHGHCHCHGHCHHCK

Sinbad: We're bigger than Jesus, like. Ovurr thurrrrrre. I'll give alllll my lovin' to youuuuuu. CRIMBO PREHZEEEEEE!

Jimmy: Dohrohgs! Dohrohgs! LECCY BILL! We're going dooowwwn to Livehpoooohwlllll.

Mick: DON'T YOU DARE BACKCHAT ME. I WILL SLAY YOU NOW WHERE YOU STAND, YOU FHOCKHKING PAHKEE COHNT!

An excrutiating windy atmosphere follows

*PAAARP-PAAAH-DARP-WAAH-WOOOH-WAAH-WAAH-WAAAAAAAAH etc.*

[Glebe]

The open theme!

TERRY: Whatsup, la?

SINBAD THE SAILOR MAN: Eh? Y'startin', ah yeh?

PAUL O' GRADY: Y'scally get!

KING THEODEN: Giz a job!

JOHN BISHOP: Dey doo doh, don't deh?

FREDDY STARR: Dey doo!

The closer's theme!

[DangledTeeth]

Commencement Music

THE BIG FUCKING BEROOKHKSIIIIDE HEIST, Y'FHOCKHKIN SCALLY SOVVERN CUNTS, EHYEHYEHYEHYEH, SHOF' LA' Certificate 18

Int. Corkhill House

Doorbell rings, Jimmy answers

Jimmy: He- Fhockhkin' 'ell, likhke! It's a group of masked robbers.

Masked Robber: GET THE FOCK IN THE 'OUSE. NOW! MOVE IT!

Jimmy, Lindsey, Jerome and Nikki are forced to sit on the settee

Another group burst into the adjoining house of the Murray family

Masked Robber 2: GET DA FUCK OVER THERE. IMMEDIATELY! NOW! NOT SHORTLY! DO IT! NOW!

Ray Quinn: I've wet meself for remembering I killed a girl bully. WEEPY CRY! By that I mean a bully who is female, not a bully who primarily targets girls. FUCKIN' TEARS!

Masked Robber 3: Never mind that! (Looks in a cupboard, reads a letter out aloud) 'Dear Mr Cunt...'? This bloke is a Cunt

Marty Murray: No you don't understand. I'm merely an arsehole.

Masked Robber 3: But it doesn't say that here, does it. It's addressed to Mr Cunt.

Marty Murray: Before you duct tape me gob and leave me in the cohbboard, I'd like to say that if you look 'ard enoff I look like a cross between the Inflatable Pilot from Airplane and Ricky Gervais.

Masked Robber 2: Fuck me, mate. So you do.

Int. Corkhill House

Hollyoaks Bloke: Mozzer's not coming for us. I 'ate scousers. I WANNA KILL THEM AAAALLLLL! (Aims gun and pretends to shoot hostages) BBBBANG! BANG! BANG! (Manic giggle) Ah-hf-vef-hf-heh! I wish I was in that snooker final!

Jimmy: You can't expect to smother your knob with pebbledashed chipppsssss. The whimsical brigadier won't stand for abacinated haddock flaps

Unmasked Long-haired Robber: Eh?

Unmasked Black Robber: What's up wi' 'im?

Nikki: He's pretending to be mental in order to be freed.

Jimmy: IF YEZ POHSH DEH BOTTON 48 TIIIIMES YOU GET A NIIICE SAVOURY TRRRREAT IN YOUR LAPEL. HUMBER BRIDGE! HUMBER BRIDGE! WHO WANTS MY SPLENDIDLY REFULGENT OHNDERPANTS?

Long-haired Robber: Get him the fuck out of here.

A stall is thrust through a plaster wall until a hole is formed through the other side. Hollyoaks Bloke emerges to the fixed-stare bewilderment of Tin-minge, LINDTZEE and the rest of 'em

Hollyoaks Bloke: COO-EE! AAHNLEEE MEeEeEeEeeeeEe! CAN I BORRA A COHP OF DREFT?

Jerome: Nah, mate! Why don't yez fhokhking doOOooOOo one?

Black Robber (Peers out of a window): What's that careering towards us in the sky!

They all step outside and see a large bin bag-wrapped corpse and a few astronomical-sized patio slabs rapidly approaching

*BOOOOOM* THE CLOSE IS FUCKED

Fade to next day

Jimmy, Jackie and Lindtzee walk away from the rubble

Jimmy produces a red marker pen and adds a letter after the 'E' in 'Close' that's displayed on the road sign. And that letter, soap fans,
is the letter T. Jimmy was not only a former drug addict who loved heroin; he's currently addicted to dyslexia. THA' SCALLY BAHSTAD!

End Theme

[Glebe]

Opening theme!

INT.BROOKSIDE.DAY.

TERRY: Grivus a loahn a yeh schreeeewdraver, mete!

SINDBAD: Y'stahtin', a yeh? Fooking pooof!

LILY SAVAGE: Kyalm dawhn, lads! Kyalm dawhn!

Brookside Closing theme!

[DangledTeeth]

Theme Music

Ext. That Close

Mick Johnson: Ahlright, Ron?

Ron: Aye aye, Mickhk. How's thengs with yous, likhke?

Mick: Ah ya knoeh, sound.

Jimmy: Ahlright, Boys?

Mick: Sound mehte, Jimmy.

Ron: Couldn't complain. Well I could boht I've got noh'un to complain about, likhke.

End of Part Ditty: TAOWN-DE-NAAAH-NUHNUHNEHNUH-NOO-NEH-DOOVFDOOVF-BLIHNIYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiihhhhhhhhhh!

Advert: Good old Yellow fuckin' Pages.

End of Part Ditty: TAOWN-DE-NAAAH-NUHNUHNEHNUH-NOO-NEH-DOOVFDOOVF-BLIHNIYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiihhhhhhhhhh!

Mick: Crimbo prezzy!

Jimmy: It's a bit earlih for thaa'

Ron: I wholeheartedly concur, Mr Corkhill. (Camera pans in) Concur. Wholeheartedly

Mick: Not motch has happened in tehms of adventure.

(Sinbad comes jogging up to the trio)

Sinbad: Lads! Cohme 'ead quickhk!

Jimmy: What's the trouble, hamster countenance?

Sinbad: The Banks... they're digging up their gaahden and dey thenk dey might have found somfen curious, likhke.

Ron: Let's have a lookhkhkhkhkhk

The Banks' Back Gaahden

Mick: Any idea what it is yet, Eddie?

Eddie: No Mickhhhhk. We'll find out soOoOOon enoff.

Eddie digs away and he and Sinbad pull back a large patio slab and are repulsed by what they've uncovered

Eddie: FHOCKIN SHITETWAT!

Sinbad: What d'fhock is thaa'?!

Ron: It's a... helicopter crash.

They all glance respectively at each other in bewilderment and unease

End Music


Here's Jimmy, ya shoft cunt!


Mick Johnson smiles


Sinbad doehs a pic for d'camera likhke


Ron looks at a melting gun with Tin-minge


YA WHA'

[Glebe]

Open!

TERRY: Giz dah fooking jam buttie, willyah?

SINBAAAAD: Eh... eh, kyalm dahwn, mete, kyalm dahwn.

ANOTHER ONE: Dahzt faightin' talk, dahr iz!

WAYNE ROONEY: Stahtin', ah yeh, stahtin?

THE GUY FROM THE LAS AND CAST: Cummon, ladz, fooking give ovah, willyah, la?

Shut!

[DangledTeeth]

Start Theme

Ollie Simpson: Right, you two incest kids of mine. Separate rooms!

The bed sheets are pulled off to reveal Jimmy in bed with Bing

Bing: Tally-ho!

Jimmy: Fhockhn Derrrrrrrrrrrrrohgs! SMAAHKGHK!

End Theme

[Glebe]

Opening theme!

INT.SUBURBAN BANNISTERS.DAY.

TERRY: Me wife left me... or ah ost all me money... or sumting else happened dah woz tragic, la!

SINBAD: Kyalm dahwn, mate! Kyalm dahwn!

Closing theme!

[DangledTeeth]

Start Theme

Ext. School Playground

Danny Simpson's first day at a Livehpoohwl skeool

Mick Johnson's Son: Ahlright, what's your name?

Danny: Danny Simpson. Call me Dan

MJS: Do y'wanna play foo-tball?

Danny: No thanks. I'm into rugby.

MJS: Come on, it's a laugh.

Danny: Okay.

MJS (Indicating two boys): This is Jed and Tin-minge.

Tin-minge: I'm not having a new kid on my team!

A throw-in occurs with Tin-minge alongside Danny. Tin-minge elbows Danny - very unconvincingly - as they jump up for a header

Tin-minge: Do ya knoeh whaiy they call me Tin-minge?

Danny: No.

Tin-minge: It's because I've got a minge made of tin. I'm the hardest kehd in skeoowl!

Danny: Tin isn't that hard. I mean, look at those baked bean and soup containers; I could squash that shit with my foot.

Tin-minge: Good point, mehte. Boht I'm still gonna beat you ohp on a high stuhreet. I may kinda resemble one of those Corinthian footballer bobblehead figurines, boht I'm dead 'ard, likhke.

End Theme

''That's maah ball, ya soft sovvern fhokhkn cohnt!''



''Do yez knoeh waahy dey call me Tin-minge?''



''Tin-minge - remember tha' name! Ya rich dick'ead!

[Glebe]

Opener!

TERRY: Bloomin' 'eck, la, derz loadsa dem we fooking fogorahbawt in deh Broookshaide!

APPARENTLY DEAN WILLIAMS: Yes, me for instance, you'll know my face!

ANNA FRIEL: And me of course, first lesbian kiss!

CLAIRE SWEENEY: An' how couldya forgeh little me, chuck!

JENNIFER ELLISON: An' me, la, tits out for dah lads!

Closer!

[DangledTeeth]

''Eh-eh, Ste'. I've got a coppla bah-looooons. Perhaps that prozzy in my limo will make good yoose of them''


''This is an atrocious sex scene. FHOCKNN LECCY BILL! CRIMBO PUHREHZEE! UMPH! UMPH!''


''Jammy fhoknkn scally geht! Oh well, lihghke, I yoost to shag Katrina''


''Okay, Mr Mancunian, I will stop by the abandoned farm to fuck you''


''Cohmed, Steve. Let's pick op that bird who wants a lift. You can wait here for me while I get 'er from this dilapidated farm''


''Hello there. I'm Tim, your driver''


[In the background] ''CooOoOo-eeEEEEeEeee''




''ONLY ME!''


''I got that cohp of ppppowdeh, you scouse cunt! I want you to eat it!''


''No, you fhokhn Manc scally bahsted!''


''FOCKIN' GNNNGH!''


''I won't eat tha' powder shit, boht I will bite into your hand. Mhmmm, suitably efficacious.''


''ARRRRRRGH! ME FOCKIN' IRRESISTABLE  'AND''


''AAAAAOGGGGGH! YOU SHOT ME IN THE FHOKHN LEG, YA MANC CUNT!


''Don't mind me, I love to disrupt altercations by driving a pick-axe into an army boot''


''See! I told you!''


''WAAAAAOOORGH! FOCKIN' PICK-AXE IN ME FOOT! NOW ME EYES HAVE PROTRUDED AND ME MOUTH HAS GONE ALL CURVY''


''I think we lost 'im. Let's sleep in that barn over there. COME ONNNN, TIM! You're in the semi-final!


''Goodnight''


''Oh, what a good sleep that was! Y'ahlright, Tim? TIM! TIM!?


''GASSSSP! Oh it was just a dream''


''That Manc dick'ead is after os. Cohmed, let's go back to tha' derelict farm''


''I'm right be'ind yer, yer scouse wankers!''


''FHOK ME! HE'S GOT A SHOTGUN!''


''Tim, it sounds like he's breakin' the kitchen window


''EHYEHYEHYEHYEH! WHAT DO YEZ THINK Y'DOOOOIN' COHMIN' THROW DOH WINDOW?''




''It's a plan I've bee coo-king op! Sorry to be in-yer-face about it!''


''DAAARRGH! BOILING-HOT QUAVERS AND STRAWBERRY SHOELACES!''


''MY FACE IS BURNING! I CAN'T SEE WHERE I'M SHOOTING THESE ENTHRALLING BUBBLES''


''GRRAAGH! It's lucky that horses' trough was there to wash it off''


''Me and Steve have struggled to beat you op. Boht I wanna have a go on the bubble blaster before yez kill os''


''The bubble gohn is mine, Tin-minge! I can hear the audience shouting 'look out behind you!'. Do excuse me, lahds, while
I look be'ind me''


''What?! I-I-it's a Dildo Tractor''


''You're gonna get fucked by a dick'ead, dick'ead! Cohm with os!''


''Here's another banal pun for you: I just don't have the fuckin' guts for this! URRRNK!''


''NOOOOO! That sex toy-impaled arsehole shot my mate. Quick! To the hospital!''


''Well boys, thanks for saving us. We've used Manc Cunt's money to invest in a hen party business, and you two are
hereby appointed our limo drivers. You can have a turn on us whenever you want. I suspect you two'll be choosing me, 'cause
that one to the left of me looks like a bull terrier's arse carved into a bust of Lindsey Davenport. So what do you think, chaps?''


''Me and Steve gratefully accept your offer. Very delighted, girls. We'll take yez for a ride you'll never forget''


End theme