Time Derek.

[madhair60]

Hannah: "Derek, we need to kill Stalin."

Derek: "What? No, I loves starlings."

[BlodwynPig]

Tim from the Office: "Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!"

Robot Grief Dog: ""

Derek: Tears

[DangledTeeth]

Poignant piano track

Derek: I'd loves to travel through times, but quantums physics has proven countless times that traversing through a warpholes is completely impossible. If you consider Sir Professor Datsun's Mechanic Theory you'll realise that 45b x 56c squared to Euclidean geometry doesn't equate to a substantial, functioning reality of zillions of ever-changing atoms and neurons. To wit: A times machine didn't exist in the past and neithers does me. What do you think, Kevs?

Kev: I've pissed myself and fucked some OAP!

End theme sung by Chris Martin from Coldplay

Chris Martin: HOW DOOOO YOU MEEEHKE A DEER SMILE AGAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIN?

[DrunkCountry]

Kev: Would.  You.  Let me.  Travel back in time. To watch you have puberty? I'd like to see that thatch & them mound. Then I'd show you what a real man is capable of. In both holes.

Hannah: If you touch me the consequences will be absent from the script.

Derek: Herbaceous.

Fade to black. Travis.

[Pit-Pat]

DEREK:
Hannah! Hannah! Kev's mades our caravan into a times machine!

HANNAH:
Is that right Derek? I'm surprised he had the time between all his perving and drinking.

KEV:
Yeah, and all the fucking and... [leers at camera] wanking

DEREK:
Kev is my best friend, he's all right isn't he, we're going to see the dinosaurs! I'm going to see a Lego-saurus! Lego-sauruses are nice - they don't eat the other dinosaurs. [gradually breaking character] My mum used to say the world would be a better place if dinosaurs wasn'ts eating each others.

[HANNAH looks reverently at him]

DEREK:
Call your mum now - let her know you've not been eating any dinosaurs. Cause if you waits it will be too late

KEV'S DEGENERATE BROTHER:
[Wheezing into shot] I've got a mega sore arse and no mistake because of all the cocks that have been in it

[KEV winces theatrically to the camera]

KEV:
Well Derek [indicates HANNAH and leers at the camera] I'd like to Tri-her-on-tops

HANNAH:
You be careful not to change anything and cause a time paradox. And Kev, if Derek gets eaten by a dinosaur I'll put you in a fucking wheelchair.

KEV:
Then you'll probably ask me for a good time on my para-cock [leers at camera dribbling]

[Cut to tinkly piano music and some old people sitting around. KEV, wearing a plate armour gauntlet, is masturbating in the corner and wincing at the camera]

[DangledTeeth]

Hannah: The microwave, namely the Time Machine - fuelled by a canteen of Vimto with a wire-attached colander on Derek's head - is ready for instigation.

Derek: Are yous readys to travels back to Kings Henrys the Eighth times, Kev?

Kev: You know me, Derek. I'm pissed up enough to go anywhere, provided there's a plenitude of archaic mingefanny. (Does a gritted teeth smile at the camera) I 'eard King Henry had loads of wives (Rapidly thrusts his hips and splashes Kestrel across the floor)

Derek: Yes, some of thems was executeds.

Kev: Oh well, I'll get in on the action and might get a load of head. (Self-satisfied rictus)

Derek: Oh fors fuck's sake, Kev! It's heads - more than one was killeds. You fails to grasp the essential tenets of Englishs grammars. Massives cunt!

Kev: Sorry, Derek, you cardigan-wearing bumblespaz.

Beth Gibbons: But iiiiit's beeeen a lifetime sinnnnce ah saw that shimmerrrr of hope

--

Outtake - Ricky Gervais laughs like a crazed chimpanzee

Ricky: Fuck me! Say it again! I wrote this script. 'Cawdgan ah-fh-hzk-hff-hff wurring bomblespAHAHAHAHAzzzz'. Say it again!

[Glebe]

HANNA: Derek... I'm sorry... but Hitler is dead. We went back and killed him.

DEREK (interviewed later to camera, crying): I... I loved him... and... and he's gone!