All time classic CaB posts

[blue jammer]

Moral Conundrum (like on countdown)

Opening post by Marwood

Ok, lets say someone presented you with a magic button, and said that if you pressed it, you would be paid 1 Million Pounds, but, someone you didn't know would be killed.

What would you do?

-

Munday's Chylde replies:

I'd cover the button slightly with my hand and make a convincing 'click' noise with my mouth. Then on reciept of my million smackers I would run into the night laughing and shouting over my shoulder
"I never pressed the button you big sicko!"

...Then to celebrate, I'd bludgeon a whore.

Do you have any classics?

Look them up here: http://chilled.cream.org/vw/index.php (READ ONLY CaB)

Edit: bonus points to anyone who can find Hencole's nightmare in Wales post (pikey hell) the search function doesn't work, so you'll have to rummage through the pages, best advice is where it says

"http://chilled.cream.org/vw/viewforum.php?f=1&topicdays=0&start=3000"

the number 3000, refers to the number of posts, and they increment in 50's so page 1 is 0, page 2 is 50, page 3 is 100, page 4 is 150 etc etc, just manually type in the number you want and it'll go to that page :-)

That post above was on page 61 so that's 3000.

Hope that helps a bit!

[AlanFarty]

I loved that made up Jacko interview which ends in Martin calling him "you cunt". Can't remember who came up with that one, but it made me laugh like a monkey.

Also I loved that Chris Reeve caption cartoon thingy that someone posted once.

But none of the stuff I like turns up when I search that chuffing archive.

[Smackhead Kangaroo]

Coo it's another "I [heart] CaB 19XX" programme on ITV. It's going to be shit but there's nothing else on.....
It's presented by that tart Blue Jammer, I hate that gimp masked hook handed bastard. trendy northern accented cunt. why can't they employ someone who speaks clean english on TV anymore?
Bastards.

[blue jammer]

a load of guff

Back in your box, feh, meh & gah.

[easytarget]

Edit: bonus points to anyone who can find Hencole's nightmare in Wales post (pikey hell) the search function doesn't work, so you'll have to rummage through the pages, best advice is where it says

"http://chilled.cream.org/vw/viewforum.php?f=1&topicdays=0&start=3000"

the number 3000, refers to the number of posts, and they increment in 50's so page 1 is 0, page 2 is 50, page 3 is 100, page 4 is 150 etc etc, just manually type in the number you want and it'll go to that page :-)

That post above was on page 61 so that's 3000.

Hope that helps a bit!

I think that was in the travelling folk thread. If so, it is gorn. The archive only seems to have kept half of it.

ah well.

[mook]

I think you'll find more than a few gems here;-)

The post I would love to read again is our man in Peru's Spider wanking story, I think his usernames were Caxton's Handlebar and DogonTour, I'm not 100% certain though and of course Hencole's highly improbable indestructable pikey epic. Fine old read both of those were.

[Purple Tentacle]

Edit: bonus points to anyone who can find Hencole's nightmare in Wales post (pikey hell) the search function doesn't work, so you'll have to rummage through the pages...

You will sadly never find that post as it was in one of my threads, and everythiing I've ever done or said has been wiped from history, along with other VW young 'uns.

[hencole]

Strangely enough I have a new Pikey story to divuldge.

I went to a pub near to my new gaff that i had been meaning to check out, but hadn't as a friend had said it was a bit rough. He phones me up yesterday and assures me it probably wasn't as dodgy as it used, so I decide to meet him there for a game of pool. Had a pleasant hour playing pool before a bunch 12+ of pikey
traveller kids of about 12-17 start trying to start afight with this couple
of kids outside. The two rush into the pub as there dads in there and the
barman locks all the doors. The kids then spend the next 2 hours outside hasseling everyone who walks past occasionally robbing the One-Stop opposite, or mock fighting each other like crazy wild animals. No police bother to turn up in three hours! The One-Stop then locks all its doors. Just as we think the whole thing has died down they smash there way in through one of the doors to the pub
and a huge ruck starts, with all the locals fighting of these kids and
glasses and stools going flying! Me and my mate were at the other end of the
pub guarding the other, and we rush over to defend the pub, but by that time they've been
beaten off. Very surreal indeed and made a change to a boring Sunday down
my usual local.

[hencole]

Just found the welsh story saved as a word document on my work PC.

Welcome to Wales

Last time I was in a fight I was fighting literally for my life and had I not won I would probably not be here to type, or if I was I would be using a wand stuck to my forehead.
Went to an outdoor party a friend had arranged on the top of a valley in Wales near Cwmbran (sp). Quite a small affair, but with a huge sound system and loads of laser etc. Anyway had one of the best nights of my life with most people still awake the next morning. During the night a few of the locals had joined us from the village, but by the morning all, but a handful had gone. Anyway one of them, who were still there at about midday on the hottest day of the year, got rather irate when we stopped the music (generator had run out of petrol). He started asking people whether they wanted a fight. No one did, as most were normal people and half of them were recovering from too many beans the night before. He also started telling us about being in prison for manslaughter. Then he kept saying he was going to rape us with his favourite line being this;
'I'm going to rape you, I'm going to stick my fingers up your arse and scrape my nails on the inside'
Nice!
Any way this went on for about quarter of an hour after that he just started attacking people at random urged on my his crazy pikey of a wife and his to 12 year old kids. Every time he attacked one of us a group of us would get up and beat him off. This happened to many times to remember. Every time he would get a nasty, but he wouldn't stop and if anything became even more determined. He managed to smash out all of one of my mates front teeth and did some damage to others. This whole situation was confounded by his wife who kept shouting us to allow one on one gladiatorial style fighting. We told her to fuck off and that no one wanted to fight him anyway. Things started to go wrong when she started to join in along with the kids who picked up a machete and a knife and started swinging them randomly in the air. A couple of us managed to knock the kids to the ground and disarm them. This whole thing went on for well over an hour before the psychopath had had enough and lay down. The problem with the situation is that we knew we shouldn't be having an illegal rave up on the side of a mountain so were reluctant to call the police. Anyway he refused to piss of so we called the police and started to pack up are stuff and take it to a mates cottage nearby. A police helicopter arrived and we attracted its attention to show it was us who had contacted them. At this point the crazy bloke was nursing his wounds in one of our tents. The police flew by for 15 minutes before pissing off. No one arrived on foot. Great we thought. 15 minutes later crazy man gets up again and starts attacking people. Process continues for a bit and he eventually leaves. Few we thought thinking this was all over. Still no sign of the police though. We continue packing up and there are about a handful of us left at the site when who should turn up, but Mr Psycho carrying a rusty metal bar and in tow are 16 scally children ranging in age from 10-16 carrying sticks. We  see him from quite a distance as we are on the top of a valley. I start to panic as the only people I am with are either asleep or having severe come downs and are no use for anything let alone fighting of an army of pikeys. I call the police again and have a massive go at them asking why they haven't sent anyone on foot. We had already explained to them the seriousness of the situation and the fact that this bloke was claiming to have done time for manslaughter. Anyway I had to break of my conversation with the lady on the phone as Psycho boy had just reached the cleft of this steep slope that led up to our tents. 'Send someone quick theres a small army coming up the hill and a bloke with an iron bar, I fear for my life'
Anyway only two of us were compus mentus when he arrived. He charged at me with the metal bar swinging it towards my head. Through a bit of skilful luck I manage to block the attack with my arm and grab the end of the bar. I throw it one side and get the bloke in headlock and trip him up. I then jump on top of him and started punching him in the face maybe 20 times as hard as I have ever hit anything in my life, even a punch bag. But this psycho just starts laughing and spitting blood and teeth at me. The kids then move in and start trying to pull me back and hit me with sticks. I leap up enraged and gave out a primeval roar, which took them aback. Psycho then gets up starts reaching for his metal bar. I grab him and push him to the edge of a cliff. With my last remaining strength I managed to land a kick that pushes him off balance and he falls 50 feet plus down a near vertical drop hitting rocks along the way. I shout at the kids whether they they want some as well. They didn't and backed off and dropped their sticks. Few I thought. By this time everyone else starts gathering round having sobered up very quickly. I look over the edge of the cliff to see what state the bloke is in. Like some horrible horror movie I see this blood soaked body crawling up the cliff by one arm the other arm hanging lose by his side. Fuck, this bloke does not feel pain. He makes it back up the top this time there are more of us and the kids seem fucking petrified and keep back. He picks up the bar again and throws it at a mates head missing him by inches. After about 10 minutes he starts to realise how badly injured he is and leaves. 30 minutes later a 21 year old police man turns up collapses at the top of the hill and and begs us for water. Fucking useless. Go to the police station to give a statement by the time I get there they've found him wandering the village covered in blood. Doctor's report finds he has lost half a dozen teeth, has a broken wrist, multiple cracked ribs and a handful of other injuries. I was already to press charges, but was told that he would press charges against me for hurting his kids (the ones with the machetes). Apparently one of them had a couple of bruises after being thrown to the ground. I was advised it was probably best not to pursue the case as a jury could well side with the children. Great. I asked whether they knew this bloke. They did and he had a previous conviction for murder. British justice don't you just love it.

Anyway the most scary time I have ever had, like a bad dream mixed with the end of a thriller movie with a non-dying evil bloke, but real.  I really thought I was going to be killed.
My other interests our flower pressing.

[smoker]

Me and my mate were at the other end of the
pub guarding the other

what is this, assault on precinct 13? that sounds like scary fun, and that's my favourite kind of fun!

[Abbie]

Also I loved that Chris Reeve caption cartoon thingy that someone posted once.

Looks in MM under "Your bestest most favouritest mongs" for that Christopher Reeve one, its in there.

[Purple Tentacle]

and we rush over to defend the pub...

Lord of the Rings? Fuck off!

Now THAT'S a fight worth fighting!



hencole, are you some sort of superhero with an evil gypsy nemesis?

Were you ever cursed by a bug-eyed old woman as a child?

[Rats]

hehe, that's what I said first time round. Something about bilbo baglegs and that lot swaggering about cos they've bashed a few orks, hordes of pikeys is the real trouser tester.

[blue jammer]

hencole, you're a star :)

If we're ever at a meet, I'll buy you several pints (then run and hide in case a load of pikey's turn up, heh)

[sproggy]

Fucking hell Hencole, where's your new gaff?  Beirut?

The Welsh pikey story was fabulous, you are now a man, go forth and procreate.

[Lt Plonker]

Bloody tremendous tale, hencole. I shamelessly missed this first time around. Thumbs right up.

[hencole]

Fucking hell Hencole, where's your new gaff?  Beirut?

That poshest of poshest places, Hampton, Richmond Upon Thames, home of the lowest crime rate in the Capital. The pikeys in question have been around the area for years and have finally been given a permananent site (due to good behaviour or something daft like that probably).