Matter of Fact EXTRAS

[DangledTeeth]

Andy: Hello Jackie.

Jackie Chan: Hi.

Andy: Erm, listen, I'm a grovelling extra, and I'd love to contribute more to this film, have more input. I'm a big fan of Enter the Dragon, by the way, I thought you were brilliant in that.

Jackie: Yes, thank you. It was only a cameo, but it was good fun.

Andy (Appears puzzled): I thou- doesn't matter. Erm, any boost in my non-existent career would be great. I'd be happy to do one line.

Jackie: Hey, no problem. The director wants someone to do a line for the next scene.

Andy: Y-you... you mean that? Great! (Exits to the set)

The set is of a New York club. Jackie bursts in and confronts a group of men, then a captivating fight occurs while Andy snorts cocaine in the background

Quentin Tarantino: CUUUUT! Sorry guys, we're gonna have to do that again. That fat cunt over there dropped the rolled-up dollar.

Andy appears crestfallen

End Theme: FOR THAT HAPPY DAAAAAAY! FOOORRR THAT HAPPPPY DAAAAAAY!

[Old Nehamkin]

RICKY GERVAIS THE CHARACTER: Ashley Jensen the Character, I think I've just had an epiphany. Being a mid-level TV celebrity in the UK is actually a fairly depressing and hollow experience because you have to go on Big Brother and have plebs try to talk to you in pubs. I think I am going to get some integrity and start being a good celebrity who tells people that religion is bad and hangs out with cool American stand-ups and that.

ASHLEY JENSEN THE CHARACTER: Aw hoots mon.

FIVE YEARS LATER

DEREK THE CHARACTER: Sometimes it is crumble what is 'ot.

[DangledTeeth]

Andy: I'm not really acting as this 'Andy Millman', it's all me.

Maggie: How d'ye meeeannnn? Hoose youeh?

Andy: I'm Ricky Gervais, yeah, the much-loved, stand-up comedian; superb actor in The Office and I wrote it (mumbles) wi' Ste' Mershnt. Yeah. I'm essentially using this to wank my ego by invi'ing loads of Hollywood actors to have a good ol' laugh with me - Ricky Gervais - as they taste a modicum of my glory, and I'll also give a few washed-up soap actors and former gameshow hosts a chance to reignite the extinguished flame that is their career. Shaun Williamson - Borry frum 'stenders - get him to deprecate himself. Les Dennis, yeah, he can make a comical allusion to his real-life marriage to Amanda Holden. The underlying point I'm making is I am Hollywood and these fellow Brit TV actors are fuckin' scum who'll amount to nothing. ''Are y'havin' a laff''? Yeah, I am, actually. See, it's genius to have a sitcom within a sitcom - mind-bending shit, yeah. Take the piss out of Carry On-style sitcoms while I'm there, which acts as a reminder that I've done the complete opposite of such trite bollocks, to reiterate: I created The Office (Mumbles) an' suh di' Steve Merrfrf (Normal tone) annnnnd I had a lead role in the cunt! Yeah! I'm Ricky Gervais!

Stephen: Please just act in the sitcom that we created together, Ricky.

Andy: Alright... (To world-renowned actor) Hi, erm, can I get a line? I'm a proper actor who's an extra.

Gary Oldman: Fuck off!

End Theme: Teeeaaa for the Andy Millman. OH, FOR THAT HAPPY DAAAAAAAAAAY!

[Glebe]

DISABLED WOMEN: Hello, Ricky.

BRENT: I don't believe in anyfing, therefore, life is meaningless.

MAGGIE: Y'can't say thaaaaaught!

KATE WINSLET: Gotta do a spazzer flick, they always bag an Oscar. *lights smoke*

INT.OSCARS IN REAL LIFE.COUPLE OF YEARS LATER.

ALEC BALDWIN: And the nominees are... Kate Winslet for The Spazzer in the Closet...

[Pit-Pat]

ANDY: I'm going to write a sitcom, it's going to be set in a workplace and be a masterpiece of the form.

BBC MAN: I'm afraid I'm going to need you to compromise on... Well, just about everything.

ANDY: Oh, I suppose I will:

ASHLEY JENSEN: It's not your fault Andy. Face it, the only way you could have.a workplace comedy, masterpiece of the form, made was if you were an uncompromising genius. And you're not.

ANDY: My best friend there - "you're not a genius". And here's Patsy Palmer in a gratuitous cameo. I wonder if she could tell us what an actual genius who could make a multi-award-winning workplace sitcom without compromising would look like.

PATSY PALMER: RICKAYYYY!

[ANDY rolls his eyes knowingly]

[DangledTeeth]

Andy: I've made this film about a bloke who sneaks his atheistic belief into everything he does. It's been accepted by Channel 4.

Maggie: What aboot ye ITV2-level sitcom? (I don't know if ITV2 was around in 2005, can't be bothered to look.)

Andy: AH Y'HAVIN' A LAFF? No! That smug actor rival, who does a great impression of Charlie Brooker, needs to have his face rubbed in it. I'm gonna crack on with this film

ANDYS MILMLAN'S SUPERB ATHEIST ACTOR FILM

Andy Gervais: If God exists, why'd he make me an atheist?

James Lipton: Freewill or summink?

Andy Gervais: Yeah... good point!

-

Unwell Hospitalised Kid: Does God exist?

Andy Liar (Reluctant, sympathetic): Of course he does, yer silly sausage cunt. Yeah... Clouds and funfair shit - amazing!

-

Andy Autism: I don't believes in Gods, Hannah. Not enough kindness in the world. Wrestle old people. Cry at the vets.

-

Priest: Are you really a Catholic? Did you eat a communion wafer?

Andy Milmlan: Wellll, no. I only acted like I'm religious to get in her twat. (Nods at woman with cerebral palsy) not 'er. Heeeeh! Who wants to shag a reflection from those hall of mirrors? Yeah... (squirms and exits)


-

END OF ANDY MILMLAN'S FILM

Smug Actor Rival: I got a blowjob off Eva Mendes at the Oscars party, yeah. Oh and, shitting yourself in the shower on CBB - your highlight of the year, mate. Sorry, must be off. Dinner with Charlton Heston.

Andy: Cunt!

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Millman: Oh no an socially concious yet emotionally manipulative spackmong
Disabled: That it is Millman of the Shire. That it is.

[madhair60]

ricky gervais' character: here comes ian mckellen he's a famous gay

ian mckellen: i fucking hate fagssssssss

rick gervais' character: oop!  wasn't expecting that.  bit subversive!

[DangledTeeth]

Int. Agency Office

Andy: What did you call me in for? Any emails or phone calls?

Darren: Eh? Oh, phone call... yes. I got a call from one of the comedy programme commissioners for Channel 4, loved your script, mate.
They're expecting you at their London office tomorrow at 11am.

Andy: Oh... amazing. I-I'm thrilled. What's their address?

Darren (Typing on computer): One sec... yep... Channel 4 dot com.

Andy: No, no, I mean the road address. Look, doesn't matter, I'll look it up when I get in. And thanks, Darren.

Int. Channel 4 Offices

Commissioner: Mr Millman, thank you so much for being here. (Exhales) Wow, what can I say. Really, really sterling material.

Andy (Modestly): Oh, why, thank you. Much appreciated. It was an idea that's being zooming about in my head for a while.

Commissioner: Well, it's good it's all down on paper, heh-heh. Erm, just a couple of little wrinkles to iron out first, though...

Andy (Defensive, concerned): Yeah?

Commissioner: The characters are great, original setting, the set-ups are good. But (sighs) I feel this could be a couple of notches more realistic annnnd, welllll, less irreverent in certain areas. Turn down the pathos a smidgen, too.

Andy: In your view, what are the problems?

Commissioner: The alcoholic, perverted vagrant who uses the nursing home as a bedsit. He is funny, don't get me wrong, but it undermines the dramatic aspect of your comedy-drama. Spoils the realism of that setting.

Andy (Astonished whining): But that's realistic! Come on. Characterisation, yeah. He stands out.

Commissioner: I think he's a character that's best suited to another show of some kind - maybe you can create a separate sitcom based on him. As for other concerns: in numerous sections of your script (Andy nods) there's often a cue for 'melancholic piano track' and several synonyms of that adjective used throughout for each one.

Andy: It's saaaad, yeah. It's hard to build up a sense of sorrow without it. The audience has to know somehow.

Commissioner: It's completely fine to have poignant audio in specific scenes; it certainly can bolster the tragedy yet I feel it ought to be used sparingly. Also, I'm not too sure about the manager.

Andy: She's hard-working and caring.

Commissioner: Oh yes, sure, that's conveyed throughout the script, but it's just that (squints)... later on in the script she finds herself a boyfriend, who's a relative of one of the home's residents, and, erm, she neglects her duties to have sexual intercourse in a caravan in order to conceive a baby.

Andy: Okay, fine, understood. Get rid of the caravan and put in a bed and breakfast across the road, yeah.

Commissioner: N-n-no, that wasn't wh-

Andy: I respect your views an' that. I don't mean to be pompous, but it is my sitcom. I feel I should decide on the direction I want it to go.

Commissioner: Yep, of course, Andy. You're quite right. So... we'll begin casting next week, I'll contact you by Tuesday to invite you along, see what you think of the auditions.

ANDY'S SITCOM

[Melancholic piano track]

Kev: This can of Tennents is going down very well. And so is old Hilda. (Pulls a rictus at the camera as a head bobs up and down in and out of view near his waist)

Hannah: Derek, I'm helping George with his weekly wash, could you bring a towel, please.

Derek: is 'e havings a baff? IS 'E HAVINGS A BAFF?

12 BAFTA nominations and a one-off voiceover role for a stairlift advert later, Andy finds the true meaning of friendship and stops being a hard-to-please actor cunt

[Glebe]

AL PACINO: So, ah, you got this sitcom called - When the Whistle Stops?

GERVAIS: No, no, sorry, it's When the Whistle Blows!

PACINO: Ha! Sorry, sorry.

BRENT: Hoo-haa!

PACINO: Ah, what?

MILLS&BOON: You know, 'Hoo-haa!' That, em, thing you do.

PACINO: Ah... no, sorry, I don't understand you.

MILLS&SOMERSET: Oh! What a faux pas!

MAGGIE: Weren't you in that film about the taxi driver.

THEMILLONTHEFLOSS: No.

PACINO: Ah, no, I think you got me confused with Bobby De Niro!

MAGGIE: I prefer him, to be honest.

MILL: No.

PACINO (breaking character): There seems to be a formula here.

[DangledTeeth]

Int. Darren's Office

Andy: What have you called me in for?

Darren: Uhm? Oh, yes... Big news, mate! The BBC have been on the phone to me and they are very excited about your script. And when I say BBC I don't mean Big Black Cock. Hmf-heh-heh-hoh. ([Andy appears unimpressed) So, they've said to attend a meeting tomorrow at 9am.

ANDY'S SITCOM

Training Bloke: I'm going to play the role of the disinterested manager, you'll act as the customer, so that I can demonstrate poor customer service.

David: Someone's let off a fire extinguisher in the corridor.

TB: Nope, sorry, don't care at all.

David: The ashtrays have got phlegm in them, mate. Sort it out when you have time.

TB: Maybe you ought to clean them yourse-

David: I'VE RAPED YOUR MUM UPSTAIRS!

All-round shocked expressions

End Music: NOBODY KNOWS IT BUT YOU'VVVVE GOT A SECRET SMILE AND YOU USE IT ONLY FOR MEEEE.