MATTER OF FACT YOU RANG, M'LORD?

[Glebe]

Opening theme!

INT.MAYFAIR.1920'S.

TED BOVIS: You rang, m'lord?

LORD MELDREW: It's like Hi-de-Hi! in the Roaring Twenties!

TEDDY RUXPIN: Guffaw! Where's Su Pollard? I fancy getting her pregnant!

TED: She's my daughter in this, m'lord.

LESBIAN WITH MONOCLE: I fancy a slice of Pollard, meself.

SU POLLARD: Oh 'eck, she winked at me!

MRS. MOPP: Eeee by gum!

BLOKE OUT OF THIS IS ENGLAND: I'm like a chubby Barry from Summer Wine, Wolfie!

CHIEF CONSTABLE ARP WARDEN WILLIAM WILSON: May I be of any assistance?

SPIKE TWELVETREES: Ted is trying out a dirty scheme, morals, ethics!

TED: You rang, m'lord?

THE END!

Ending theme!

[DangledTeeth]

A Theme

Lyrics: I'm talking affectedly through a tube of card. Life in the 1920s isn't so haaaard. A plate of gammon and cricket fixtuuuuuures.
Art Deco walls adorned with Tamara de Lempicka pictuuuuuures. It's really lovely now and I don't caaaare. All the woman have greased-up haaaaaiiir.

Bell: TDHNLING!

Voice: You rarng, m'lord?

Int. You Rarng M'Lord!

Man: You rarng, M'lord?

M'lord: Yes I did, cuntskiffle. I request a sizable portion of foie gras on a silk-lined bowl, or whatever it is the upper-class gentry consume.

End Theme

[Glebe]

Opening theme!

BOB MONKHOUSE (singing): From Maypark to Fairlane, they're doing the Charleston again and again, the rich are poor the poor are plain-

BOVIS: You rang, my sweet lord?

INT.STUDY.DAY.

LURCH: YOU RAAAAAAAAANG?

LORD HEE-HAW: Yes, please would you fetch my copy of the Necronomicon from the library, kind serf?

INT.STUDY.LATER.

LORD HOO-HAH: *euoroghoyglllllllllghhhhkkkkkk*

TEDDY KENNEDY: I say, what's happening to Old Lordie?

TED: He's being turned inside out by some unnameable horror from beyond space and time.

PEGGY: Oh 'eck!

THE END!

Goodbye, theme!