Matter of Fact HIGNFY

[DangledTeeth]

Intro Music

SPECIAL GUEST HOST - RICHARD LITTLEJOHN

Audience: Clap clap clap clap

Richard: Urr, good evenin'. Welcome to Have I got News for You, the satirical show quiz show looking at this week's current events. Joining us tonight on Ian's panel is Jimmy Carr. And on Paul's panel is Poet Man. We'll start off with round number 2.

Paul: It would help if you read the card the right way up, or at least knew how to read.

Ian: It doesn't have to be in that order (Laughs and squints)

Paul: A bit like a gaggle of refulgent penguins in Ipswich swimming baths waving the Argentinian flag at Butch Cassidy's mum.

Ian: Yes. Ha ha ha ha.

Audience: MUH-HEH-HOH-HAH-HAH!

Richard: Okay, round number one. The censored news headline bit (I don't remember when that's supposed to come up).

MP CAUGHT DRIVING QUICKLY AND GIVEN

Spoiler alert

SPEEDING FINE

[close]

[/b]

Paul: A blowjob from Butch Cassidy's Mum?

Ian: Chocolate wafers? (Holds a pen upright)

Jimmy: HYUH-HUH-HOH-HOH-HAHW-HAHW-HOH-HAAAAAAAAAAR

Paul: Is it MP caught and given dissenting oligarch of 14,578 axioms?

Jimmy: Fat disabled wanker with nonce tuberculosis?

Richard: Hah-heh-heh-hah. NNNNoooo. It was 'speeding fine'.

Paul: Ooohf!

Ian: Fuck me, son.

Richard: Traffic wardens are a bunch of crooks.

Paul: Sorry Richard, bunch of crooks, you say?

Richard (Nervously): Erm... yeah.

Paul: Play that clip.

Clip of Littlejohn's old Sky News slot

Garth Crooks: You see, y'know, you've got the East Coast Niggas and the West Coast Niggas. Now, I have to tell you that if you're from Connecticut and you're white and you try that nonsense, they'll kill you. And this is the importa-

Clip has finished

Audience: WOOAAH! WHEEEP!

Ian: What was that all about? Why did Garth come on your Sky News slot and have a discussion with you about gangland racial etiquette?

Paul: It's good Connectiquette.

Paul suavely raises an eyebrow and stares ahead for a few seconds

Audience: WOOOOOOOO! Clap! Clap!

Jimmy: HYUH-HUH-HOH-HOH-HAH-HOH-HOH-HAAAAAAAR

Richard: I can earnestly say I haven't the cuntiest fuckin' idea what brought that up.

Poet Bloke (in woeful northern accent): Jost as wull it weren't yer lonch y'brought op!

Ian: Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!

Richard: Fingers on buzzers... it's the odd-one-out round. Peter Mandelson eating a portion of chips in Southampton. Delia Smith at a Christmas card shoot. Gordon Ramsay shaking hands with Peter Beardsley. And Desmond Tutu at Swansea fun fair.

Jimmy: The odd one out is the fun fair. Only if it got raped!

Paul: Okay, so you haven't got Butch Cassidy's Mum, right, okay. There's no harpsichord regime flange on a steadfast rabbit depicting the provinces of Eastern China.

Richard: No. Neither of those.

Ian (frowns with mouth open): Is it... errrr... three of them are men and the other one is a woman?

Richard: Ian's correct. Yes. Delia Smith is the odd one out on account of being a female.

Audience: Clap clap clap clap!

Richard: And now the round with the rotating face accompanied by the swannee whistle build-up sound.

A picture of Robert Lindsey turns around

Swannee whistle: EYYOOOOOOOOOWUUUP!

Jimmy: Overweight pedestrian likes rimjob puns?

Richard: No.

Paul: Is he, oh er.... eating a jar of decadent paddle slippers in the warmest April plus Stalin's cleft shimmying for restless mortar arousal?

Richard: Yes. Robert Lindsey. Final scores are: Paul with one and Ian with one. (To Camera) Toby Jones meets an egg.
(Picture of William Hague with the Prime Minister) Duncan Bannatyne scoffs a nondescript sandwich (Footage of Robert Downey Jnr at the Emmys) Oscar Pistorius changes occupation (Footage of bathroom section in B&Q) Ed Sheeran's new album is released (Clip of The Third Man) Goodnight.

Ending Ditty

[Glebe]

Y'starter f'ten!

GEORGE GALLOWAY: I'm yon hoost feh t'night!

IAN HISLOP: Don't fuck up, George, oohahaha!

GEORGE: English cunt, a'll deck ye.

PAUL MERTON: Iz vat a freat?

AUDIENCE: WOO-HA-HA-HAAAAAAH!!

GALLOWAY: On Ian's team toonight, Melissa Messenger, ah ye dinnae remembah her! Tits.

AUDIENCE: WOO-HOR-HOR-HOR!

HISLOP: I'm just sitting back and... (looks at audience, raises eyebrows) playing with m'pen, here.

AUDIENCE: Yuk yuk yuk!

GALLOWAY: An' on young Merton's theme is Janet Street-Porter. Teeth. Now, 'the blanks round'. MP caught having a-

MERTON: -Cappa tea?

AUDIENCE: HEURHAGHUHOOGH!!

MERTON: - Penguin?

AUDIENCE: MOHOHOHO!!

MERTON: - New-fangled fruit machine?

AUDIENCE: EH-HEURGH-HOO-HEURGH!!

GALLOWAY: A'll fookin' deck yah, yah cunt *hic*.

FLOOR MANAGER: Okay, cut. Call the medic.

End Theme-theme!

[Quincey]

Theme tune and clapping

MICHAEL HOWARD: Hello, and welcome to Have I Got Something of the Night About Me For You. (smiles slightly).

Audience laugh

MICHAEL HOWARD: In the news this week, Jerermy Corbyn talks so much crap that it needs a new sewage plant.

Shot of new sewage plant being opened by John Major in 1995.

MICHAEL HOWARD: This dog will make you ROFL!

Dog does dance. Audience ROFL.

MICHAEL HOWARD: We start with Round Two.

PAUL: Round One I think you meant to say Michael. Hehe, it's not as easy as it looks,as the dolphin said to Ken Dodd. Why can't we have someone professional doing this?

IAN: What, the same person hosting each week? That will never work! Far out, man!

PAUL: Did you just say "Far out, man?" What is this, 1980?

IAN: No, I meant Fart out, man! Let's do bottom burps that have more change of winning an election than Jeremy Corbyn. Although the Tories are rubbish as well.

[Glebe]

Opening theme!

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Welcome, I'm the astronaut Neil Armstrong, I walked on the moon. I came over to do this show I never heard of. On Ian's team tonight, Roger Daltry. And on Paul's team, Ross Noble. Now, what was the big thing everyone was talking about this week? Really, I'm genuinely asking you, I have no idea, man.

ROSS NOBLE: Wuz it the thing aboot Devid Camaroon puttin' 'is willy in a pig's moot?

MERTON: Ahahaha!

AUDIENCE: Ahahaha!

NEIL: Fuck knows, man.

HISLOP: Wait, was it about tax expenditure? (Looks at audience) I know...' fascinating subject'!

MERTON: Wait a minute, I have it. Was it about the Rick Astley song being quoted by politicians in an American senate as a joke, a few years ago? 'Rickrolling', I think it's called. You've been 'Rickrolled', or whatevah.

HISLOP: Who's Rick Astley? Is he some new, modern rap artist or something?

NEIL: Fuck, man, you're such an old fart. What a drag.

THE END.

End theme!

[Quincey]

TOWIE cast member: Welcome to Have I Got News For You!

C-LIST ACTOR: It's lovely to be here!

IAN HISLOP: It would be even more lovely if you paid your tax!

Audience clap

C-LIST ACTOR: Heh.

PAUL MERTON: Ian, are you seriously suggesting that the man who plays Ricky Spacelizard should pay his taxes? Lizards don't pay tax.

TOWIE CAST MEMBER: What is tax?

Audience laugh

IAN HISLOP: Oh dear, how embarressing! Perhaps George Osborne will appoint you as a special advisor on economics!

C-LIST ACTOR: At least you know more about economics than Jeremy Corbyn!

TOWIE CAST MEMBER: He's just so uncool

IAN HISLOP: Yes, he hasn't even had a piercing!

TOWIR CAST MEMBER: Time now for the caption competition. It's David Cameron laughing.

IAN HISLOP: Is it because the only satirical quiz on television spends more time attacking the Leader of the Opposition and showing crap Youtube clips than pointing out how bad the Government is?

C-LIST ACTOR: Is it because he's just seen that Jeremy Corybn is the new leader of the Labour Party?

[Steven]

GRAMS *THEME MUSIC*

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Incongruous Celebrity Host: Paycheque paycheque, paycheque paycheque paycheque.

Ian Hislop: Paycheque!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Incongruous Celebrity Host: Paycheque, Ian.

Paul Merton: Is it a paycheque in a paycheque?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Irrelevant MP Trying Too Hard: Ha ha, paycheque!?

AUDIENCE GROANS

Ross Noble: Badgers made of spacehoppers!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Paul Merton: Paycheque!

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND ACHIEVES COLLECTIVE MASS ORGASM

[DangledTeeth]

2004

Bernard Manning:  Helloh. Welcome to 'ave I Got News F'you. It's some satirical fockin' bollocks or sohmat. I don't know. On Ian Hislop's panel it's Diana Abbot. And on Paul Merton's panel it's Peter Tatchell. Round fockin' one - censored headline thing.

Survey Reveals Pigs Don't like

Spoiler alert

Rolling in Mud

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Paul: Cruel taunting from disaffected youth plus dirigible snorkeling badminton?

Bernard Manning: No.

Ian (Speaking firmly and tilting): David Cameron had a meeting with Theresa May to discuss austerity deficit cuts and David made a speech during last year's PMQ, and he hasn't promised what he put forth and has now caused the housing sector to plummet by 22% prior to last week's meeting with Theresa May. (Flutters his eyes and curls his bottom lip inwards, reclines and folds his arms)

Bernard: Eh? Oh erm, I'll give you that.

Peter Tatchell: You're racist, aren't you, Bernard?

Bernard: Well yes, and maybe no. I take the piss out of everyone: log-prodders, rag'eads, the Paddies, eskimo cohnts, fockin' scurrying ant bahstads.

Diana Abbot: Spoon-fed white boys in here.

Ian: Yes. (Pulls a wide smile and squints as he laughs)

Bernard: When I were a lad, I was bought op to 'ave aspirations to goh to fockin' Vegas and perform with Dean Martin. And that's what I dohne. I'll be honest wi' yer and say that there are some foreigners I like - the ones that don't cohme over here and...

Audience: OOOOOOH!

Bernard: It's all gone fockin' barmeh 'y'can't say this, it'll offend ethnic minorities' - piss off! Instead of having respect for people who appear differently to me by keeping me fockin' mouth shut, I think it'll be of no hardship for these immigrants to pack theh bags and cunting well do one! In my day, words were innocent. My dog was called Spear Chuckeh, nothing wrong back then. Fockin' PC Brigade.

Paul: I know, the PC brigade are atrocious. Using their computers to download illegal films and music, then a servant of Her Majesty upholds the law.

Audience:  HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH. Fuckin' clever!

Bernard: I wouldn't be surprised if the PC brigade say the Cub Scouts people can't have wogs for their scarves.

Peter: It's a woggle.

Bernard: You're fockin' tellin' me, sohn.

Paul: I think you ought to move on to the next round.

Bernard: Yes. Who is this?

Rotating pan-out pic of Ian McKellen

Swanee Whistle: OOOOOOWUP!

Ian: Is it out-of-this-world answer that Paul is supposed to say?

Bernard: I'll fockin' give y'that. It's Ian McKellen. Next round is the Odd One Out round. Fingers on the clits.

Four pictures - a group of elephants, a lawnmower, Jeremy Corbyn shopping, and a packet of Minstrels

Panel Clit: BZZNNZZZZ!

Paul: Oh! A lawnmower and Minstrels are something you can buy, Jeremy Corbyn is in a place where you can purchase things, the odd one out is the elephants.

Bernard: Spot on, pahl.

Paul: I bet you love Minstrels, Bernard. (Has a knowing look)

Bernard: I do. You get all y'need in one packet. Fockin lohvleh, sohn.

Ian: Are you one to call a spade and spade, Bernard?

Bernard (Loftily): Oh, I thought that would be wrongly interpreted as a racist expression, Mr Hislop. But no, no, no no. I don't call a spade a spade, I'd quite happily call a spade a fockin' co-

Sudden switch to the credits sequence

[Glebe]

Opening music!

RONNIE CORBETT: Weeeeeelcome, heh, welcome to another edition of HIGNFY, it's wooooooonderful to be here, isn't it Ian?

HISLOP: It certainly is, Ronnie, and on a packed show tonight, I've got Tanya Bryer on my team!

MERTON: An' I goh Peter Tatchell.

CORBETT: Later in tonight's show, we'll be meeting the man with three willies; he says he had a wonderful time, and his wife is well pleased! Anyway, what was the big story this week?

TANYA: Is it BT's merger with GlaxoSmithKline, which has caused itchy feet on the stock market?

CORBETT: Uh ah no, Tanya... em... let me give you a clue. MARS.

MERTON: They never tasted the same since they changed the ingredients!

AUDIENCE: WUFFHAHAHAHGUFFAW!!

HISLOP: It's... about this water on Mars thing. (looks at audience) Which is 'interesting'. Isn't it?

AUDIENCE: Wahahaha!

CORBETT: Right, that's it, bye!

End theme!

[DangledTeeth]

*NSFW Adult Core(n)l Paintered Pic*

Introductory Music

SPECIAL GUEST HOST: BRUCE FORSYTH

Bruce: Hello. My name's Daphne Fowler. I have appeared on quid shows for over a quarder of a cendury, and I have appeared on Fivdeen to One dwice.

Ian: Sorry, Brucie?

Bruce: Oh sorry. What a silly mistake. My voice doesn't quite sound like that. Higher or lower?

Audience: LOWER!

Bruce: Yessss. Oh, didn't they do well. (To camera) Hello, and welcome to Have I got News for You, News for You...

Sir OBE Brucie Forsyth stretches his arms out and raises them

Audience: NEWS!

Bruce: On Ian's panel is Victoria Coren Mitchell. Doesn't she have nice tits? And on Paul's panel we have Victoria Coren Mitchell, tremendous host of Connect Phwoar, no, erm, Only Erect. Yes. We'll start with the headline round from the Daily Mail.

375253252 BILLION CANCER-RIDDEN IMMIGRANTS TO OCCUPY SQUALID SEASIDE TOWN NOBODY

Spoiler alert

CARES ABOUT

[close]

[/b]

Ian: Has heard of before?

Victoria: Heh-hah-hoh-hah

Paul: Has a map for - all the townspeople have forgotten to produce any maps due to their brains being replaced by a peninsula
that resembles the career of Hilda Braid?

Bruce: Yes, I'll accept that. Didn't he provide a superbly delivered wacky answer well?

Swannee whistle: EUUOOOOOOP!

Ian: Is it that time already, the rotating pan-out face round?

Bruce: No. Victoria raised my drawbridge.

Ian: Oh.

Bruce: Odd one out round



Paul: Repeats of Man About the House causes the concealment of invisible table cloth?

Bruce: No.

Victoria: Oh, three of them are linked together through Nintendo. The Dolphin was the first name for the Gamecube, and the Inn has two N's and the second N represents the second and final name for the Gamecube, which is Gamecube, and if you remove one 'n' you have 'in' in Nintendo. The letter/word 'A' is a word in the English language, so is 'do' in Nintendo, except it's pronounced 'dough' as opposed to 'do'. Therefore, the odd on out is the bath. Nintendo could have a studio in Bath for all I know. Bath is my answer.

Bruce: Yes. I'll give you o- erm, I'll give you that one. And winning tonight's show is Paul and Victoria.

Victoria (Whispering): Sorry Ian, I did quite well over there.

Ian laughs lightly and pulls a 'not to worry' expression at Victoria

Bruce: We'll leave you with these captions about two photos.

Boris Johnson answers phone to Obama telling Boris that he sucks



Ian seen with a goatee beard



Goodnight

Conclusion Music

[Glebe]

Classic HIGNFY - only on Dave or Gold or somewhere!

Opening theme!

ANGUS DEAYTON: Welcome to another edition of HIGNFY, in the 90's. On Ian's team tonight we have a prozzie, and on Paul's team tonight we have a bag of coke, right lads that's me done see you in the green room!

Ending theme!

[DangledTeeth]

Special Guest Host: Gordon the Gopher

Gordon: VPP! VPP!

Ian: Urm, Tessa Jowell - in an interview on Newsnight - said that she didn't 'appear' on BBC News, she was there for a complete interview. (Flutters eyelids, curls bottom lip inwards, slowly reclines while he folds his arms in a faux-smug manner)

Paul: Aircraft hangars say no to prohibition.

Paul Kaye: Hah-heh-heh-heh!

Gordon: VPP! VPP! VPP! VPP!

Paul: Amphibious? Paradox wearing plaid socks. Furry beetle? A bugbear, and a palezoologist's nightmare. Symmetrical physique of disbelief. The platypus has the brain of a dolphin, and can be seen driving a forklift in his habitat of kelp. He is the larva of the flatworm
and has the ability to regenerate after injury No relation to the flounder. Someone shipped him to the blokes. Who said he was a hoax
So they cut him to pieces, wrote a thesis. A cranium of deceit, he's prone to lie and cheat. It's no wonder - a blunder from down under
Duckbill, watermole, duckmole! Barnacle.

Ian: Tories did something uncalled for, but it was consistent by their standards, let me tell you.

Gordon: Desist your oratory, weevil! For I am the personification of terror and all that is malevolent. I shall eviscerate the new-borns with a sweeping glare of my beguiling dark pupils. Confront me to your detriment. You shall not inhibit the future.

End Music



You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!



You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!



You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!    You shall not inhibit the future!



YOU SHALL NOT INHIBIT THE FUTURE!    YOU SHALL NOT INHIBIT THE FUTURE!    YOU SHALL NOT INHIBIT THE FUTURE!    YOU SHALL NOT INHIBIT THE FUTURE!    YOU SHALL NOT INHIBIT THE FUTURE!    YOU SHALL NOT INHIBIT THE FUTURE!    YOU SHALL NOT INHIBIT THE FUTURE!    YOU SHALL NOT INHIBIT THE FUTURE!