Desolation part II

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A falcon files for divorce.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

An unshaven sci-fi novelist gets a hard-on during his Hazard Perception Test.

[Hangthebuggers]

Timmy Mallet slips in some dog shit.

[QDRPHNC]

The phrase "gluten privilege" is used unironically on Facebook.

[Thomas]

A divorced primary school caretaker begins to develop an obsession with the song 'Frankie Teardrop', and it will eventually affect his work.

[Old Nehamkin]

In 1997 a 52 year-old modern studies teacher discovers a lump on his left testicle while waiting to be gunged on CBBC's Get Your Own Back.

[Mary is not amused]

No matter how He arranges the equations, Michael Gove emerges.

[buttgammon]

The staff of Lidl move the massive jars of mincemeat around week on week in the hope that putting them on a different shelf will help them sell. Nobody has bought one since 2009.

[MoonDust]

"I told you, you were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!" a drunk yells immediately after a car bomb detonates on a busy high street. No one finds it inappropriate.

[the midnight watch baboon]

A glum woman gets her right tit out.

[BlodwynPig]

A glum woman gets her right tit out.

For the flumps

[Berthas Fat Leg]

Cause of death - Werthers Original.

[MoonDust]

A grouch vividly remembers his childhood as he pisses cheap cider into a puddle behind the back of a shit night club in Swindon. He can't remember when things went wrong.

[Vodka Margarine]

A teething baby is called a "muzzie cunt" after it cries during the two minute silence.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A battered palsied lady receives a final brutal blow from her cat.

[Nice Relaxing Poo]

A man with no arms hears the opening bars to Black Lace's Do The Conga and knows that someone will try and get him to join before realising their error.

[Nice Relaxing Poo]

A cash strapped Little and Large lead a sparse crowd of pensioners through the moves to Black Lace's Superman on a windswept April night in a Haven holiday camp.


Something about Black Lace triggers my desolation feels.

[newbridge]

On the night of his first school dance, a friendless teenager stays at home by himself and plays with an action figure of Dr. Bendor Grosvenor from Fake or Fortune.

[non capisco]

One half of a Black Lace tribute act stares despairingly at a newly discovered genital wart in a pub toilet in Bexleyheath. Five minutes til showtime.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

Unable to comprehend this horrific, ironic, insincere world any more, an alienated neckbeard plays the Derp Song for 10 whole hours. It is his sanctuary, the only thing that now makes any sense.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQB4nAjZIdE

[Mijkediablo]

You are involved in a horrendous accident. As you lie dying, you become aware that someone is filming you. On the day of your funeral, the video is uploaded to the Daily Motion along with a laughter track and comedy parp noises. It gets nearly one hundred views, most of which are your mother.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

The train from ___________ to ___________ has been delayed.  This is due to ________________ . We are sorry for the delay and any inconvenience it causes.

[Vodka Margarine]

Replacement bus spotting.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

A charmless git spends a 2-minute silence thinking about tits.

[Foggy Buntwhistle]

A 13 year old herbert chokes to death trying to swallow a nutmeg seed whole after reading that it will get you high on the internet. 

Terry decides to take up mountain biking after the death of his beloved wife. He is 82.

A swarm of bright green parakeets peck an injured vole to death and devour it's corpse.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A news item about a horse being raped carries an accompanying photograph captioned 'Generic picture of a horse'.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

A pale child has a Poundland Christmas.

[MoonDust]

Trying to impress his first ever girlfriend, a 45 year old nobody suffocates to death inside a turkey whilst re-enacting the Mr Bean Christmas special.

[MoonDust]

A gutter thug finds God at the bottom of a can of Tyskie's.

Vomits on a church door.

[Charles Babbage]

Sienna Miller's personal assistant attempts to lick her own clit in the disabled toilet of the dirtiest, most decrepit asda in all of Yorkshire. Her depression upon failing causes her to forget what her bitch of a boss actually sent her out to buy in the first place, so she grabs a bottle of smartprice gin, some medicated toilet tissue, a fray bentos 'fiery' chicken curry pie and hopes for the best.